Wedding offenses: rank according to badness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guilty of destination wedding (hours away) but gave +1, +2, accommodated friends of family with champagne toast but cash bar.
we had to budget but splurged with everything else big time.

So you splurged on everything except the one thing guests actually look forward to at weddings? What in the world were you thinking?

+1

SMH

In what world is "free alcohol" the one thing guests look forward to at weddings? You do realize you can get drunk for a pretty low price quite literally any time you want, correct?

alcoholics central around here

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Worst: No +1, destination wedding. Couples will often say they don’t want random people at their wedding but offer plus ones for spouses and significant others they’ve never met. Just give all adults a plus one.

Also bad: No open bar — don’t host a party you can’t afford. Along those lines I would add an expectation that gifts cover the per person cost for the wedding.

Neutral: No kids, dry wedding, asking for cash gifts

Isn't a dry wedding worse than no open bar? At least there's alcohol!

No way! I don’t care if I drink or not. I’d prefer it, but if the couple doesnt drink or can’t afford to pay for the alcohol, then a dry wedding is fine. What’s NOT fine is asking your guests to pay for things at YOUR PARTY

I agree. All this shade on dry weddings is awful. Many people don’t drink - for religious or addiction or health reasons. I am delighted to share their big day with them while also being respectful of their culture or individual preferences. Can people *really* not go one night without booze??? (And I drink a lot - so I’m not a teetotaler)

I agree that cash bar is way worse than dry wedding. You don't host a party and then have your guests pay for food/drinks!! The only thing worse is doing a potluck where guests BRING FOOD as well!

What if the people getting married are poor, but they want to share their joy and exchange of vows with friends and loved ones?
The level of snobbery and entitlement on this forum is thru the roof.

The only way to share the joy is to invite your friends to a party then ask them to pay for it? You must be the type to not provide food at kids parties. The worst.

The PP was saying that people complaining about dry weddings are the worst. She was not talking about cash bar weddings.

No she wasn't. We're both saying the guests don't pay for the food drinks. Then PP said it was snobby because poor people apparently can't pay for food/drinks (which isn't even true). It's the cheapskates who aren't even poor who do this kind of thing.

actually PP said nothing about the food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None actually.

People can have any kind of wedding and guests can choose not to attend. I also always give a check as a wedding gift and if the wedding is very tacky and cheap,I will give less money.

This makes no sense. If the couple is stopped for funds and does a quaint or small affair you give less money versus someone that does not need it you give more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worst: No +1, destination wedding. Couples will often say they don’t want random people at their wedding but offer plus ones for spouses and significant others they’ve never met. Just give all adults a plus one.

Also bad: No open bar — don’t host a party you can’t afford. Along those lines I would add an expectation that gifts cover the per person cost for the wedding.

Neutral: No kids, dry wedding, asking for cash gifts

Isn't a dry wedding worse than no open bar? At least there's alcohol!

No way! I don’t care if I drink or not. I’d prefer it, but if the couple doesnt drink or can’t afford to pay for the alcohol, then a dry wedding is fine. What’s NOT fine is asking your guests to pay for things at YOUR PARTY

I agree. All this shade on dry weddings is awful. Many people don’t drink - for religious or addiction or health reasons. I am delighted to share their big day with them while also being respectful of their culture or individual preferences. Can people *really* not go one night without booze??? (And I drink a lot - so I’m not a teetotaler)

I agree that cash bar is way worse than dry wedding. You don't host a party and then have your guests pay for food/drinks!! The only thing worse is doing a potluck where guests BRING FOOD as well!

What if the people getting married are poor, but they want to share their joy and exchange of vows with friends and loved ones?
The level of snobbery and entitlement on this forum is thru the roof.

The only way to share the joy is to invite your friends to a party then ask them to pay for it? You must be the type to not provide food at kids parties. The worst.

The PP was saying that people complaining about dry weddings are the worst. She was not talking about cash bar weddings.

No she wasn't. We're both saying the guests don't pay for the food drinks. Then PP said it was snobby because poor people apparently can't pay for food/drinks (which isn't even true). It's the cheapskates who aren't even poor who do this kind of thing.

actually PP said nothing about the food.

The post that PP was reeling to said don't have guests pay for food/drink. Then pp replied that what if they're poor! Why are you trying to split hairs? Poor people aren't tacky like this, cheap people are. There's a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the hate for no kids weddings on this site. All etiquette experts say no kid weddings are absolutely fine, while many of the other items are faux pas.

I’m 45 and have been to a lot of weddings, and I think only two ever invited kids. Every other wedding I’ve attended is no kids.

I understand that sometimes people can’t attend a wedding if it’s no kids, because they don’t have childcare in a different city. No judgment if you can’t attend. DH and I have done some trade off weddings where only one of us attended because getting childcare was too much drama. It’s fine. We’ve also flown in family to watch the kids while we’ve gone out of town for weddings. And we’ve also used the hotel arranged babysitter for some weddings. All of these are fine options.

But for people who are like unilaterally writing off no kids weddings…. I feel sorry for them. They often refuse to separate from their kids, have never had a babysitter, or are highly anxious. It’s one thing to decline a no kid wedding because you’re unable to make it work (or you’re not close enough to the couple to put a ton of effort into making it work). But it’s another thing to refuse to make it work.

According to the PPs, bEcAuSe wEddInGs sHoUlD bE fOr FaMiLy. Which is nonsense, of course. Weddings are for the bride and groom and should be what THEY want. If you want a family reunion or an excuse to dress your kid up, take nine million pictures and have your ego stroked by people telling you how adooooooorable they are on the dance floor, plan and pay for it.

And the hilariously aggressive repeated responses of “YOU BETTER” not complain if people with kids don’t come — dial it down, Becky. You vastly overestimate your own importance.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of projection going on in this thread, just sayin'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the hate for no kids weddings on this site. All etiquette experts say no kid weddings are absolutely fine, while many of the other items are faux pas.

I’m 45 and have been to a lot of weddings, and I think only two ever invited kids. Every other wedding I’ve attended is no kids.

I understand that sometimes people can’t attend a wedding if it’s no kids, because they don’t have childcare in a different city. No judgment if you can’t attend. DH and I have done some trade off weddings where only one of us attended because getting childcare was too much drama. It’s fine. We’ve also flown in family to watch the kids while we’ve gone out of town for weddings. And we’ve also used the hotel arranged babysitter for some weddings. All of these are fine options.

But for people who are like unilaterally writing off no kids weddings…. I feel sorry for them. They often refuse to separate from their kids, have never had a babysitter, or are highly anxious. It’s one thing to decline a no kid wedding because you’re unable to make it work (or you’re not close enough to the couple to put a ton of effort into making it work). But it’s another thing to refuse to make it work.

+1.
The weddings without kids are generally better anyways (food/alcohol/entertainment). If you can't leave your kid for a few hours do everyone else a favor and stay home

+2

+3

No one cares about your kid as much as you.

+4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explanations optional.

No-kids weddings
No +1 weddings
Destination weddings
Dry weddings
No open bar weddings
Weddings of couples who ask for cash

I had an open bar wedding (we're WASPs too). But I totally get if a young couple can't afford that. How is serving an over-oaked Chardonnay to wedding guests actually "offensive"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explanations optional.

No-kids weddings
No +1 weddings
Destination weddings
Dry weddings
No open bar weddings
Weddings of couples who ask for cash

#1 - No open bar. If you can't afford it, go dry. I went to one and my friends husband left the wedding to buy a bottle of vodka so we could make our own mixed drinks.
#2 - No +1. Who wants to dance alone?
#3 - Ask for cash. Tacky to ask, but honestly it is a much better wedding gift than registry items that you will never ever use.
#4 - Destination Wedding. It is hard to make time and pay for it, but usually it is a blast if you can make it.
#5 - Dry Weeding. No big deal if it is not in your budget or your custom.
#6 - No kid wedding. That doesn't bother me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None actually.

People can have any kind of wedding and guests can choose not to attend. I also always give a check as a wedding gift and if the wedding is very tacky and cheap,I will give less money.

This makes no sense. If the couple is stopped for funds and does a quaint or small affair you give less money versus someone that does not need it you give more?

Yes. I am not funding their future. I am giving according to what they put in their wedding cost and of course my relationship with them.

Gift giving is a complicated cultural and social phenomenon. I give only what will be appropriately reciprocated. If the person is too poor or too cheap, then I have to give what the poor person can easily reciprocate or what the cheap person has the heart to spend..


https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/what-does-sociology-teach-us-about-gift-giving-180948181/#:~:text=Mauss%20identified%20three%20obligations%20associated,which%20demonstrates%20the%20recipient's%20integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None actually.

People can have any kind of wedding and guests can choose not to attend. I also always give a check as a wedding gift and if the wedding is very tacky and cheap,I will give less money.

This makes no sense. If the couple is stopped for funds and does a quaint or small affair you give less money versus someone that does not need it you give more?

Yes. I am not funding their future. I am giving according to what they put in their wedding cost and of course my relationship with them.

Gift giving is a complicated cultural and social phenomenon. I give only what will be appropriately reciprocated. If the person is too poor or too cheap, then I have to give what the poor person can easily reciprocate or what the cheap person has the heart to spend..


https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/what-does-sociology-teach-us-about-gift-giving-180948181/#:~:text=Mauss%20identified%20three%20obligations%20associated,which%20demonstrates%20the%20recipient's%20integrity.

great for you. I won't be letting Smithsonian magazine tell me how much society thinks I should give someone.

[Anonymous]

Small and simple wedding is fine. Potluck wedding, backyard wedding, dry wedding etc is fine too. Invitees can choose to be or not be guests. They can choose to give whatever gifts they want. A gift registry is a suggestion, not a command to be obeyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None actually.

People can have any kind of wedding and guests can choose not to attend. I also always give a check as a wedding gift and if the wedding is very tacky and cheap,I will give less money.

This makes no sense. If the couple is stopped for funds and does a quaint or small affair you give less money versus someone that does not need it you give more?

Yes. I am not funding their future. I am giving according to what they put in their wedding cost and of course my relationship with them.

Gift giving is a complicated cultural and social phenomenon. I give only what will be appropriately reciprocated. If the person is too poor or too cheap, then I have to give what the poor person can easily reciprocate or what the cheap person has the heart to spend..


https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/what-does-sociology-teach-us-about-gift-giving-180948181/#:~:text=Mauss%20identified%20three%20obligations%20associated,which%20demonstrates%20the%20recipient's%20integrity.

Your relationship with the couple and the amount you can afford to give should be the only calculus into the amount you give. Who gives a flip about how much the crappy chicken Chesapeake and chocolate fountain cost?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None actually.

People can have any kind of wedding and guests can choose not to attend. I also always give a check as a wedding gift and if the wedding is very tacky and cheap,I will give less money.

This makes no sense. If the couple is stopped for funds and does a quaint or small affair you give less money versus someone that does not need it you give more?

Yes. I am not funding their future. I am giving according to what they put in their wedding cost and of course my relationship with them.

Gift giving is a complicated cultural and social phenomenon. I give only what will be appropriately reciprocated. If the person is too poor or too cheap, then I have to give what the poor person can easily reciprocate or what the cheap person has the heart to spend..


https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/what-does-sociology-teach-us-about-gift-giving-180948181/#:~:text=Mauss%20identified%20three%20obligations%20associated,which%20demonstrates%20the%20recipient's%20integrity.

Your relationship with the couple and the amount you can afford to give should be the only calculus into the amount you give. Who gives a flip about how much the crappy chicken Chesapeake and chocolate fountain cost?

Thank you voice of reason. Finally, a normal person responds on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None actually.

People can have any kind of wedding and guests can choose not to attend. I also always give a check as a wedding gift and if the wedding is very tacky and cheap,I will give less money.

This makes no sense. If the couple is stopped for funds and does a quaint or small affair you give less money versus someone that does not need it you give more?

Yes. I am not funding their future. I am giving according to what they put in their wedding cost and of course my relationship with them.

Gift giving is a complicated cultural and social phenomenon. I give only what will be appropriately reciprocated. If the person is too poor or too cheap, then I have to give what the poor person can easily reciprocate or what the cheap person has the heart to spend..


https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/what-does-sociology-teach-us-about-gift-giving-180948181/#:~:text=Mauss%20identified%20three%20obligations%20associated,which%20demonstrates%20the%20recipient's%20integrity.

great for you. I won't be letting Smithsonian magazine tell me how much society thinks I should give someone.

You, I will do me.

Marcel Mauss studied gift giving in other cultures and realized the significance of it is far more than just plain old giving. You can extrapolate some of it for American society too, but, the way marriages, family, weddings work in American society…. These institutions do not have the same relevance in peoples minds. Instead of a significant social and family event, individual viewpoints and sensibilities is how the American weddings go down.

So, guests beware! Give only the amount that does not make you feel like you were duped by the bride and groom. Hospitality is a major element through which I judge a wedding.