When you didn’t “do enough” as a host

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

When I eat that kind of stuff for dinner, sure it fills me up but it causes me to feel gross. It’s not really a meal, it’s just fat- and carb-heavy snacks.

You, my friend, must be high as a kite. It's called a "buffet" and sounds like there was something for everyone. That is, in fact, dinner.

A mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie, multiple desserts.

That is “dinner”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your thread title is very misleading. You think you did a lot as a host. Your sister thinks you don't. My suggestion? Aplogize and bow out from hosting in the future. Insist on providing a tasty dish to potluck celebrations and call it a day.

+1. Best response yet. You don’t host after being criticized by a guest.

Disagree...I would host the people that can come and enjoy themselves. She would be uninvited. I want stress-free people at the holidays.

Op here… for those of you that are so decisive like this, how do you do it? I’ve mulled this situation over in my head about 1000x since Christmas and still can’t fully get to the “F you, never come over again” part and also keep questioning if maybe I did indeed do something wrong. I wish I wasn’t the way that I am. And I’m trying really hard not to be…

"I'm having people over for an all-appetizer dinner on X, but you made it clear you don't enjoy those any longer, so I'll look forward to seeing you at something you'd enjoy more."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

When I eat that kind of stuff for dinner, sure it fills me up but it causes me to feel gross. It’s not really a meal, it’s just fat- and carb-heavy snacks.

I can think of a lot of meals that are served at holidays or special occasions that are carb heavy. What would be an acceptable meal to you, so that you don’t feel gross?

Lean protein, vegetables, salad, maybe a carb or two.

For a Christmas dinner? Oh gosh that makes me so sad!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

When I eat that kind of stuff for dinner, sure it fills me up but it causes me to feel gross. It’s not really a meal, it’s just fat- and carb-heavy snacks.

You, my friend, must be high as a kite. It's called a "buffet" and sounds like there was something for everyone. That is, in fact, dinner.

A mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie, multiple desserts.

That is “dinner”?

I see salad, ham, presumably the dips had some raw vegetables, cheese, and sandwiches. A lot like the lean protein, salad, veg and maybe a carb poster would serve. With other options. What's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

When I eat that kind of stuff for dinner, sure it fills me up but it causes me to feel gross. It’s not really a meal, it’s just fat- and carb-heavy snacks.

I can think of a lot of meals that are served at holidays or special occasions that are carb heavy. What would be an acceptable meal to you, so that you don’t feel gross?

Lean protein, vegetables, salad, maybe a carb or two.

Oh god, this is so boring—it’s just an everyday meal. Holidays are the time to live it up a little!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

When I eat that kind of stuff for dinner, sure it fills me up but it causes me to feel gross. It’s not really a meal, it’s just fat- and carb-heavy snacks.

You, my friend, must be high as a kite. It's called a "buffet" and sounds like there was something for everyone. That is, in fact, dinner.

A mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie, multiple desserts.

That is “dinner”?

DP sounds like a delicious dinner to me. Are you always so picky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore your sisters and the posters criticizing your menu— as long as no one was hungry no one is entitled to a particular kind of meal, good grief I’ve never heard anything more gluttonous.

Had your sister been drinking heavily? If not, I would tell her if it comes up again that she is not required to accept an invitation next year.

I always leave hungry during a meal of heavy apps. I’m 50- do you think I’m going to spend the night filling up on bruschetta or something like that?

If you’re 50 I assume by now someone has told you that you eat politely at your hosts house, say thank you graciously, and depart. You can get takeout on your way home if there is something about bruschetta that a 50 year old cannot safely due to their advanced age or other dietary conditions. The 50 y/os in my life are either much healthier than you or much more polite, not sure which.

There are two issues -- as a guest whether you say anything (obviously no) and now whether in this anon forum people can give their views on appetizer dinners (yes, of course we can, and I don't like it). "Heavy apps" is not actually a dinner. You folks must have the most disordered eating. The only people I know who actually think this is a dinner have very unhealthy eating patterns.

+1. It is a reflection of poor diet and unhealthy food culture. I think that’s the divide

It’s one night after a couple days of heavy meals. A light meal is fine if that’s what everyone expects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone makes a good-faith attempt at hosting, the only polite response is something along the lines of “Thank you for having us.” If a relative wants things her way, she can host. Simple as. Also, I don’t do things for people who complain. Hated the meal? Then I’m not inviting you back to insult me again.

OP here, thank you! It’s not like I put bags of Doritos (!!!) out and called it good. There were hot and cold options, a mix of dips, mini sandwiches, meatballs, taquitos, cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie and I’m not even sure what else at this point. Not to mention multiple desserts. And drinks for everyone.

Personally, I hate a Turkey dinner. Despise it. But I would never, ever complain about it because I understand the effort that was put into it and someone opened their home to me.

Also, I know the food wasn’t the real issue since our family has done this before (including other people hosting that weren’t me).

When I eat that kind of stuff for dinner, sure it fills me up but it causes me to feel gross. It’s not really a meal, it’s just fat- and carb-heavy snacks.

I can think of a lot of meals that are served at holidays or special occasions that are carb heavy. What would be an acceptable meal to you, so that you don’t feel gross?

Lean protein, vegetables, salad, maybe a carb or two.

Oh god, this is so boring—it’s just an everyday meal. Holidays are the time to live it up a little!

Amen! And even in my everyday life I’m not this boring! Food should be joyful and fun. Just portion control, people!

[Anonymous]

Maybe if they were called tapas or mezze people might recognize that what OP served was perfectly “hospitable.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heavy apps is the same thing as tapas. It's a meal.

I don't know why people are so confused.

They've apparently never had dim sum, tapas, small plates, high tea, maze, heavy apps, etc. I guess they don't get out much and think everything has to be a full meal.

Dude, “cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie” are not tapas. This is not mezze (I assume that’s what you meant). And it is nothing close to dim sum (which is breakfast btw). I’ve actually lived in country that serves this type of plate, and you’ve grossly misunderstood what it actually is. It’s not cheese roll up. That’s just a grown up lunchable. OP may like adult lunchables but it doesn’t make it dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heavy apps is the same thing as tapas. It's a meal.

I don't know why people are so confused.

They've apparently never had dim sum, tapas, small plates, high tea, maze, heavy apps, etc. I guess they don't get out much and think everything has to be a full meal.

Dude, “cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie” are not tapas. This is not mezze (I assume that’s what you meant). And it is nothing close to dim sum (which is breakfast btw). I’ve actually lived in country that serves this type of plate, and you’ve grossly misunderstood what it actually is. It’s not cheese roll up. That’s just a grown up lunchable. OP may like adult lunchables but it doesn’t make it dinner

OP never invited the family to dinner. What she served is good enough for non snobs. I guess its only acceptable when the same concept is called by any other name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heavy apps is the same thing as tapas. It's a meal.

I don't know why people are so confused.

They've apparently never had dim sum, tapas, small plates, high tea, maze, heavy apps, etc. I guess they don't get out much and think everything has to be a full meal.

Dude, “cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie” are not tapas. This is not mezze (I assume that’s what you meant). And it is nothing close to dim sum (which is breakfast btw). I’ve actually lived in country that serves this type of plate, and you’ve grossly misunderstood what it actually is. It’s not cheese roll up. That’s just a grown up lunchable. OP may like adult lunchables but it doesn’t make it dinner

I completely agree. PP here who doesn’t think it’s dinner. I have lived in Spain and I have lived in Greece, and believe me, this is not tapas or mezzo. It’s just food-like filler substances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:heavy apps makes a GREAT Christmas day meal. It means there is almost certainly something everyone likes- so no one is sitting there eating turkey when they don't like turkey etc. It is timing flexible- so it makes less difference exactly what time guests arrive- if kids nap late or whatever- people aren't 'holding' dinner for you. It means kids can play, and you are not forcing them to sit at a table for a long time. It means the host is just busy in the kitchen in short bursts throughout the day rather than several hours focused in the kitchen fixing a meal. I did this yesterday- it was great. I had a nice platter of fruit, a nice platter of cut up veggies and hummus. Cheese and crackers. Cocktail meatballs in the crockpot in bbq sauce. Thai peanut chicken wraps in cabbage. Shrimp and cocktail sauce. stuffed mushrooms. scallops wrapped in bacon. Deviled eggs. mini hot dogs in crescent rolls (e.g. pigs in a blanket). falafel.
Most of those was homemade- I also had 'backup' apps in the freezer (e.g. trader joe's stuff like mini tacos, frozen crab cakes etc). Which I would have pulled out if the food was going faster than expected.
OP- I'm sorry your sister was a jerk to you. Shake off and ignore- I know that is easier said then done.

This sounds terrible. I also don’t understand the “heavy apps” substitute for an actual meal. It feels more like a 2nd grade bday party. If I knew that I was going to a party like this, I’d most definitely feed the family before arriving so that we wouldn’t be hungry. If I didn’t know, it’d be annoying bc then we’d be hungry and stranded.

I do think this is just cultural though. If I ever hosted with just apps, I’d be mortified and laughed out of the family. In some parts of the US, this is totally the norm. My dad is from the Midwest and on rare occasions that we visit his family we don’t eat bc there’s never food! Or there might be a bowl of something but it’s doused in mayonnaise

I thought the dinner verses appetizer part of this thread was so interesting. At our house, we always make sure to serve plenty of food if the event is at a mealtime, and we communicate the plan to guests on the invitation so they know what to expect (buffet dinner, heavy appetizers, casual bbq, etc). If someone did not wish to eat heavy appetizers, I would expect that they would eat whatever meal is “dinner” to them prior to arrival. I would also expect that they wouldn’t share this information! That being said, I don’t think I have ever seen a guest do anything other than fill their plate and glass at any event we have ever hosted.

What cultures are you referencing when you say some of this is cultural? I’m genuinely just curious at the turn this thread took.

Mainly American Anglo culture. This would never happen in other cultures (Hispanic, Arab, S Asian, most African, etc.), and something that my DH has a hard time with in the US. When he first moved here, he thought people would take offense at the poor hospitality. It can be shocking for those not used to it. I had to tell him that it really is just an anglo thing to not be super hospitable and offer food so not to worry. The hosts thought they were being gracious but the definition of gracious is defined differently in various cultures. Americans do other things very well - better than others - but hospitality is just not one of those strong traits. And no, not even the South.

Hm. Just speculating from all the threads on here, but it seems like Americans, especially fitness conscious ones in DC are not centering lives around food and drink. Lots of threads on what to do besides that. Also in 2022 we are not scrabbling for calories like days of old, where food and sharing meant love and survival. Since food is less vital and most of us feel like you can get it easily any old where, maybe it’s how hosts are getting disconnected from an “ample table” ? Just thoughts. I’m already planning my NYE spread. Heavy Apps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe if they were called tapas or mezze people might recognize that what OP served was perfectly “hospitable.”

+1 Do these people never eat tapas or mezze? Some of my favorite meals!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heavy apps is the same thing as tapas. It's a meal.

I don't know why people are so confused.

They've apparently never had dim sum, tapas, small plates, high tea, maze, heavy apps, etc. I guess they don't get out much and think everything has to be a full meal.

Dude, “cheese balls, salad, ham and cheese roll ups, charcuterie” are not tapas. This is not mezze (I assume that’s what you meant). And it is nothing close to dim sum (which is breakfast btw). I’ve actually lived in country that serves this type of plate, and you’ve grossly misunderstood what it actually is. It’s not cheese roll up. That’s just a grown up lunchable. OP may like adult lunchables but it doesn’t make it dinner

I completely agree. PP here who doesn’t think it’s dinner. I have lived in Spain and I have lived in Greece, and believe me, this is not tapas or mezzo. It’s just food-like filler substances.

In Germany "Brotzeit" is a thing. A dinner thing. Where you have bread, cheese, coldcuts, some pickles, radishes, or veggies, hard boiled eggs, etc. It's delicious.

OP said she had hot and cold foods, including meatballs. To me, that is dinner.