leading a double life

[Anonymous]

For almost a year now I go once a month to see my boyfriend who lives 6 hours away. I am married with a child and he doesnt know I am married. My relationship with my husband is almost just like a friendship. I have obligatory sex with him maybe once a week and I really truly have to force myself to do it. When I am with my boyfriend the sex is perfect. I know I don't love my husband anymore but I am also financially dependant on him and wouldnt want to divorce him because of our child. I realize I am a horrible person but somehow can't stop myself from what Im doing. Sometimes I feel so horrible that I think about killing myself but if it weren't for my child, I would have done it months ago.

[Anonymous]

Rather than killing yourself why not stop cheating on your husband. You can stop yourself form what you are doing. It might be hard but you can stop. It sounds like your affair is adding to your emotional distress. I have no idea if your relationship with your husband is really like a friendship (does he know that?) or if that is you rewriting your marital life to rationalize your affair. You are being dishonest with everyone - including yourself. It is hard to feel good about yourself when you are acting horribly.

Stop the affair. Tell the boyfriend you are married and that it is over.

Get individual counseling started.

Tell your husband about the affair (he should get tested for STDs - as should you).

If you don't want to be in the marriage and aren't' willing to commit to it then talk to lawyers, family, friends and make a plan for divorcing.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are feeling very conflicted and confused about the direction of your life. We can all go through phases, and have the capacity to take charge of our own lives and think about the consequences of the actions.

My advice --
(1) stop the relationship/affair - you don't need to explain the man that you are married - just end it.
(2) see a therapist about this.
(3) don't tell your husband. why would you tell him? to alleviate your own sense of guilt? no. if you want to make this work, do not tell him. but you SHOULD get tested for STDs, and if you have something then you will need to tell....
(4) go to couple's counseling, and if it does not work out then instead of "telling" him -- i would just divorce.......................... you may need to find work, get more education, but you can do it....

Hang in there!

[TheManWithAUsername]

I'll third what's been said and add:

Beating yourself up and contemplating suicide for acting immorally is not a substitute for changing your behavior. Wallowing in guilt and self-pity doesn't help the people you're hurting, and no one is going to pity you for feeling bad because you're acting poorly.

Either end the affair or start divorce planning today.

In addition to that - whichever option - do something nice for your husband every day without looking for anything, even gratitude, in return. (I'm assuming he isn't abusive or otherwise toxic; you didn't indicate that.)

If you do those things and you don't feel a lot better, I'll be shocked - won't you?

[Anonymous]

Beating yourself up and contemplating suicide for acting immorally is not a substitute for changing your behavior. Wallowing in guilt and self-pity doesn't help the people you're hurting, and no one is going to pity you for feeling bad because you're acting poorly.

Either end the affair or start divorce planning today.

You feel bad precisely because you know that what you are doing is wrong. No sympathy here.

[Anonymous]

OP, the thing about doing what is wrong is that it looks enticing and even gives you a lot of pleasure...but then it leaves you empty and unsatisfied and despairing. Always. This is true for everything that is wrong, from abusing drugs and alcohol to lying and cheating.

So know this: when you STOP doing what is wrong and START doing what is right, YOU PERSONALLY will feel better. Not that there won't be consequences, but you won't be self-destructing anymore.

Do you have faith? Is there a priest or a rabbi you could speak to? If not, I can give you the personal contact information of a very wise, compassionate, and gifted priest. I think, if you could get everything out there, say it all out loud, you would realize you are sorry for hurting so many people...yourself first...and you would find the strength to do better than what you are doing right now.

You can do better. You can change course. You can find redemption. Where there is life, there is hope. Don't give up on this life. There can be forgiveness and healing and love again.

I know. I was doing really bad things for a really long time. I almost gave into the feeling that I was beyond hope. Don't go there, OP. If I made it back, you most definitely can, too.

This I know to be true: you WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN if you stay on the course you have set for yourself right now. Stop doing what you are doing today, and start living well again NOW.

[Anonymous]

I've lived a double life for over 7 years. It's a perfect balance for me. The difference in my case is that I have older children, and my lover certainly knows I'm married (he is also). I don't wish to marry him, or divorce DH. It can be sustainable long term, you just have to know what you really want.

[Anonymous]

I feel kind of sad here. Not for you - you obviously don't care. But for your husband and your boyfriend. You obviously aren't giving 100% to either of them.

You'll need to choose.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel kind of sad here. Not for you - you obviously don't care. But for your husband and your boyfriend. You obviously aren't giving 100% to either of them.

You'll need to choose.

Best of luck.

Not necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are feeling very conflicted and confused about the direction of your life. We can all go through phases, and have the capacity to take charge of our own lives and think about the consequences of the actions.

My advice --
(1) stop the relationship/affair - you don't need to explain the man that you are married - just end it.
(2) see a therapist about this.
(3) don't tell your husband. why would you tell him? to alleviate your own sense of guilt? no. if you want to make this work, do not tell him. but you SHOULD get tested for STDs, and if you have something then you will need to tell....
(4) go to couple's counseling, and if it does not work out then instead of "telling" him -- i would just divorce.......................... you may need to find work, get more education, but you can do it....

Hang in there!

She should tell him because he has a right to know what marriage he is in and to be allowed to make decisions about that marriage. Keeping him out of the equation isn't righting any wrongs - it is just continuing the sham of a marriage that currently exists. You may wish to not know about your husband/wife's affairs but the majority of people want to know so they can make informed decisions about their own lives.

[Anonymous]

TheManWithAUsername wrote:I'll third what's been said and add:

Beating yourself up and contemplating suicide for acting immorally is not a substitute for changing your behavior. Wallowing in guilt and self-pity doesn't help the people you're hurting, and no one is going to pity you for feeling bad because you're acting poorly.

Either end the affair or start divorce planning today.

In addition to that - whichever option - do something nice for your husband every day without looking for anything, even gratitude, in return. (I'm assuming he isn't abusive or otherwise toxic; you didn't indicate that.)

If you do those things and you don't feel a lot better, I'll be shocked - won't you?

This is the best advice that anyone can give you. Second piece of advice, : RUN, DON'T WALK to a reputable therapist - one with a PhD.

You are hurting yourself and your husband and your child, and your behavior is reprehensible. Only a trained professional can help you at this point. And why do I know all of this? Because my soon-to-be-ex-husband did something similar to what you're doing and it has DESTROYED EVERYONE INVOLVED.

Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've lived a double life for over 7 years. It's a perfect balance for me. The difference in my case is that I have older children, and my lover certainly knows I'm married (he is also). I don't wish to marry him, or divorce DH. It can be sustainable long term, you just have to know what you really want.

I think that everyone ignored your post because it's just so revolting.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure your boyfriend doesn't know you are married? Doesn't he want to come to your home, meet your family, etc.? Sounds like an extremely stressful way to live.

[Anonymous]

sounds to me like you are hurting everyone--your BF, your DH, your child, and yourself. Get thee to a therapist to figure out why you are doing something that makes you even more miserable. Break up with the BF--just end it. As badly as you feel now, it will be a lot worse if he finds out another way that you're married (and whose to say he won't tell your DH--if you tell him, you better be the one to do it).

if you're desperately unhappy with your husband (but are you? or just with yourself), separation is a better option. and figure out a way to stop being financially dependent on anyone. For all you know, he could be the one having an affair and planning to dump you.

[Anonymous]

Of course, I agree with PPs that this is horribly unfair to your DH and child but its also unfair to your lover not to tell him that you are married. He is unknowingly committing adultry and he deserves to know the truth. If he is ok with it once he knows, you are both adults and can do what you want. But you need to at least tell him that you are married and have a child. If you don't feel strongly enough about him to want to share the fact that you have a child, you don't truly care about him all that much. I can't imagine keeping my child a secret--ever--from anyone. Nothing is worth that to me. I almost find that worse than the affair itself.

I'm not saying that you have to stay in a marriage if you are unhappy. Get divorced. Although it looks like you didn't set yourself up financially so now you are stuck in an unhappy marriage (ugh!). I feel sorry for your husband if you are only staying with him for money. You need to get yourself together and make a decision. Your actions are incredibly selfish and if you don't start doing the right thing (or at least one right thing), you're going to end up completely alone.