Skeletons in the Closet?

[Anonymous]

Do all of us have one or more things we would never want our spouse or partner to know? Something best left unsaid? A tidbit that would serve no purpose if it was disclosed? Sure, these things are part of who we are but it doesn't mean anyone else should have knowledge.

Mine is a depressive episode in college for which I was hospitalized. It happened a long time ago during a difficult transition and talking about it would only create more questions than resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do all of us have one or more things we would never want our spouse or partner to know? Something best left unsaid? A tidbit that would serve no purpose if it was disclosed? Sure, these things are part of who we are but it doesn't mean anyone else should have knowledge.

Mine is a depressive episode in college for which I was hospitalized. It happened a long time ago during a difficult transition and talking about it would only create more questions than resolution.

I'd say that is deceptive OP. I speak from experience with a DH who has had depression. If the episode warranted hospitalization there is a chance of additional episodes, esp during periods of stress. Also, your kids might inherit a predisposition.

What are you doing to make sure that it does not reoccur? Do you have a plan and do you have a doc and therapist you keep in touch with? Since this poses real risks for your spouse and children thinking you have a right to keep the knowledge to yourself to me would indicate a problem.

[Anonymous]

I had an affair. It was a horrible time in our marriage, I was vulnerable, needing tenderness and understanding...the situation presented itself. That was almost 8 years ago. We make it through and are happier and healthier. The 'other' is long gone. I think about it often, but telling him would only bring heartache and chaos into a stable, happy home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair. It was a horrible time in our marriage, I was vulnerable, needing tenderness and understanding...the situation presented itself. That was almost 8 years ago. We make it through and are happier and healthier. The 'other' is long gone. I think about it often, but telling him would only bring heartache and chaos into a stable, happy home.

You did right. Do not ever tell anybody. That is a destructive practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair. It was a horrible time in our marriage, I was vulnerable, needing tenderness and understanding...the situation presented itself. That was almost 8 years ago. We make it through and are happier and healthier. The 'other' is long gone. I think about it often, but telling him would only bring heartache and chaos into a stable, happy home.

Where did you meet the other person? Was he/she also married?

[Anonymous]

Mine is an incident that happened with a close male friend a few months before I got married. We'd been platonic friends for years and throughout this time friend was open about the fact that he'd like to fuck me. But I always made it clear that I had no sexual interest in him, and our platonic friendship continued.

A couple months before my wedding, friend and I were away together in another city for work. One night, we went out drinking and smoked a joint. He said he had a surprise for me, and took me to a spa where he'd made an appointment for a couples massage. I was hesitant but went through with it since we were already there. We were massaged in the same room, separate beds next to each other, completely naked but under a blanket. I was careful to stay covered up for the most part, but he didn't really care. Afterward, we went in the steam room and he tried to kiss me. I backed away and said we should go and we did.

I've never told DH and don't plan to. I'm still friends with the friend, and we've hung out alone many times since and everything has been totally platonic. There's nothing to be gained from telling. DH would be upset and wouldn't want me to see friend anymore. I've never been attracted to friend so I know that nothing will happen with him, but I can't prove that to DH and wouldn't expect him to trust me after hearing that story. I do feel bad that this one incident got out of hand, and I'd be really upset if DH did this with a female friend. But even if he did, it's not a marriage ending offense in my mind. The worse part would be not knowing the truth about what happened or what to believe. And since I can't prove to him that nothing happened that night or since, I don't think there's any purpose to telling.

[Anonymous]

I loaned a large sum of money (10,000) to a friend of mine who was having a rough time. Some of the money got paid back, but not all of it. I didn't need the money. I had always considered it a gift. (I've always been taught not to loan money you can't afford to lose) I didn't meet my husband until several years later. He doesn't particularly like this friend and would be royally pissed that the friend never paid me back. I've never told him because I don't care about the cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair. It was a horrible time in our marriage, I was vulnerable, needing tenderness and understanding...the situation presented itself. That was almost 8 years ago. We make it through and are happier and healthier. The 'other' is long gone. I think about it often, but telling him would only bring heartache and chaos into a stable, happy home.

And let's hope for your husband's sake that you spent lots of time in therapy to learn what made you choose an affair. People who cheat are broken in some way, and if you think that being unhappy is justification for acting selfishly, that's pretty self-destructive behavior. Not addressing those flaws in your character sets you up to repeat the affair.

Your poor spouse. Not realizing that he chose a life partner who, when the going gets tough, runs away from him and the relationship. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you are the same poster who writes all the sanctimonious responses on all these types of threads. OP, and other posters, ignore this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine is an incident that happened with a close male friend a few months before I got married. We'd been platonic friends for years and throughout this time friend was open about the fact that he'd like to fuck me. But I always made it clear that I had no sexual interest in him, and our platonic friendship continued.

A couple months before my wedding, friend and I were away together in another city for work. One night, we went out drinking and smoked a joint. He said he had a surprise for me, and took me to a spa where he'd made an appointment for a couples massage. I was hesitant but went through with it since we were already there. We were massaged in the same room, separate beds next to each other, completely naked but under a blanket. I was careful to stay covered up for the most part, but he didn't really care. Afterward, we went in the steam room and he tried to kiss me. I backed away and said we should go and we did.

I've never told DH and don't plan to. I'm still friends with the friend, and we've hung out alone many times since and everything has been totally platonic. There's nothing to be gained from telling. DH would be upset and wouldn't want me to see friend anymore. I've never been attracted to friend so I know that nothing will happen with him, but I can't prove that to DH and wouldn't expect him to trust me after hearing that story. I do feel bad that this one incident got out of hand, and I'd be really upset if DH did this with a female friend. But even if he did, it's not a marriage ending offense in my mind. The worse part would be not knowing the truth about what happened or what to believe. And since I can't prove to him that nothing happened that night or since, I don't think there's any purpose to telling.

Wow..you're a stronger woman than me. Marijuana lowers my inhibitions terribly...I definitely would've screwed the friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you are the same poster who writes all the sanctimonious responses on all these types of threads. OP, and other posters, ignore this person.

Sure. There is only one person who disapproves of affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you are the same poster who writes all the sanctimonious responses on all these types of threads. OP, and other posters, ignore this person.

Sure. There is only one person who disapproves of affairs.

I am a DH who has written once before that while I do not approve of affairs and would be devastated if my wife had one and I found out, I also realize that people stray for a variety of reasons even if they are in love with their spouse and have a satisfying sex life. Note, I do not condone them, just understand that a person having one is not automatically a bad person worthy of only contempt. Life is a little more complicated than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if you are the same poster who writes all the sanctimonious responses on all these types of threads. OP, and other posters, ignore this person.

Sure. There is only one person who disapproves of affairs.

I am a DH who has written once before that while I do not approve of affairs and would be devastated if my wife had one and I found out, I also realize that people stray for a variety of reasons even if they are in love with their spouse and have a satisfying sex life. Note, I do not condone them, just understand that a person having one is not automatically a bad person worthy of only contempt. Life is a little more complicated than that.

Actually, expressing the hope that the cheating poster got therapy is showing concern. Do you tell crack addicts that life is complicated so you don't judge them for using? Or do you suggest that they need help to deal with their addictions so that they can outgrow the behavior? You can't change bad behaviors without a little self-examination. And blaming your spouse for you having an affair is about as fas from self-examination as you can get.

[Anonymous]

My skeleton is that I am a DH who has experimented with guys. For obvious reasons, she would freak.

[Anonymous]

For the people who keep secret things they know would cause their partner to walk, two questions

1. If asked directly, would you lie?

2. What have you done to make sure it would never happen again (affairs, depression, sex with men)?