Skeletons in the Closet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:21:11 here.

Speaking for myself, I think many women would consider it a deal breaker because homosexuality is so stigmatized for men that for a man to cross that boundary suggests that he must have a BIG reason to do so. That might be bisexuality, but it might be a closeted gay man.

Also, men who have sex with men - it's a much riskier profile group (for lots of things including diseases) especially men who have sex with men but present as straight and don't tell anyone. You already have a sexual identity which is illicit and you are already practiced at lying to your female partner, maybe you even get some thrill from that. It's not a big leap to cheating. I would consider cheating with a man worse than cheating with a woman btw. A lot worse. I also think that I would also be nervous because we wouldn't expect a straight man to share a bed with a female friend once he's married, but a man who wants to have sex with men can do so without raising suspicion. I think there is just too much temptation. What about saunas or showers in the gym? Gay/bisexual men can always be looking and then if there's one crack in the relationship, one problem, one issue, they can run out and cheat. I think straight men (truly straight men) are less likely to cheat.

I also think gay culture is more promiscuous, more likely to have non monogamous relationships and accept illicit relationships. I think that while straight women can't expect to cut off sex and their husbands not cheat, gay male relationships don't have pregnancy, female orgasm difficulties, childbirth, birth control or periods, or any other hormonal problems that women go through and so can afford to be less respectful of physical difficulties which might result in reduced libido or sexual problems. But men know they can get sex any time from other men, that is different to a straight man who knows that male-female relationships are often more complicated and may be more likely to compromise in a marriage.

Also, I think that people who are less mainstream in their sexual preferences are probably the same in other ways. So maybe a bisexual husband is also hiding a foot fetish or cross dresses. I'm not saying that is always the case, just that I'd be concerned that once married, my husband would reveal all of these other things I now "have to do" for the health of my marriage which would be a sexual turn off to me. Adult babies, furries, extreme domination etc.

It's not that I don't believe that bisexual men don't exist or are closet gay, I just believe strongly that they are more likely to cheat.

So, I'm interested. If your wife had said "I think bisexuality is wrong", what would your response have been? Would you have disagreed?

Also, do you still look at gay porn and things? Just trying to see if this goes dormant or not?

I will answer all your questions. Your first paragraph reflects a view that a lot of people have. That is, the belief that men with men is a much bigger cross over a barrier than women with women. I blame society for that one. The reality is, there are much more men who do this than anyone would think. Nobody would ever think that I have and I am sure that on my street, other guys have done the same.

Much riskier profile for men who have sex with men? Can't question that one. But I always have practiced safe sex (both with women and men) and had myself checked regularly when single. Also, I was very careful with who I got involved with. Gyms/saunas? You may find this hard to believe, but I never check out men in public. Again, I do not consider myself gay and I am sure that these places do attract men who are bi/gay who want to meet partners.

Also agree that a bi man is more likely to be able to cheat because men are more promiscuous in general. That is, not very difficult to find a male sex partner for a quick session. And agree with your point that men getting sex from men is so much different than a straight man finding a woman for an affair from the perspective that women are much more complicated. When in bed with a woman, I was always concerned with reading into what she liked and making sure that her sexual and emotional needs were met, but with men, everything is purely physical.

Being mainstream in my sexual preferences? Don't agree with your point that it is more likely that I have foot fetishes or cross-dress. I don't like any of those things. My fantasies revolve around things you read about at DCUM-threesomes, swapping, light bondage, sex in a hotel window, etc. Do I watch gay porn? Really doesn't turn me on. Again, fairly mainstream. I like amateur heterosexual and sometimes lesbian porn. Not interested in porn sluts with dyed blond hair, fake body parts, and tattoos.

Are bisexual or closet gay men more likely to cheat? I would say in most cases, yes although I am monogamous. It's a number's game as the attraction is potentially close to the entire population.

What is my wife said bisexuality is wrong? Would be surprised if she said this but I would have said something to the effect that people are what they are.

Does "this" go dormant? I'll put it this way, if my marriage ended (divorce, death of spouse), I would still be attracted to women and might fantasize about doing something with a guy, but probably would not make the effort because I am basically a sensitive person and a loving relationship with a woman is the best situation for me to be able to express myself.

[Anonymous]

21:11 here. Wow, that was very informative and interesting. And actually you changed some of my preconceptions so thank you.

[Anonymous]

17:41 You seem like such a good guy. I would have been mad about some of the questions and assumptions but you answered them in such a reasonable way. I still think it's too bad you can't tell your wife the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:41 You seem like such a good guy. I would have been mad about some of the questions and assumptions but you answered them in such a reasonable way. I still think it's too bad you can't tell your wife the truth.

I somewhat disagree. Some things are best kept in the past. The idea that your spouse must know about your past is not one I agree with. My past (drug use, sex history) was only brought out when she asked and then I gave her an honest answer to all. She now knows pretty much every woman I slept with, and is still on good terms with most of them. However, after she asked me about my history, she asked if I wanted to know, and I said no. If I ever have a burning desire to learn, I would expect honesty, but I do not want to know. The woman I love now is not the woman she was then, and I don't need complications. Knowing that she slept with numerous men or just a few will not be beneficial to our relationship. If she slept with numerous men, I then feel insecure about who I meet with her. If she slept with only a few, then I wonder what they had that made her choose them. I know myself and don't see any way that this would be beneficial to our kids or our marriage. Similarly, if the PP slept with men (in a gay relationship or just experimenting), it would not be beneficial to his relationship or kids, so there's no need to tell anybody. I think the desire to tell all must reside on the second X chromosome. It is not sad he can't tell his wife. It is good he has no desire to do so. In a marriage, we learn our boundaries. They differ from marriage to marriage. I do appreciate the reasoned explaination of something many of us don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:41 You seem like such a good guy. I would have been mad about some of the questions and assumptions but you answered them in such a reasonable way. I still think it's too bad you can't tell your wife the truth.

I somewhat disagree. Some things are best kept in the past. The idea that your spouse must know about your past is not one I agree with. My past (drug use, sex history) was only brought out when she asked and then I gave her an honest answer to all. She now knows pretty much every woman I slept with, and is still on good terms with most of them. However, after she asked me about my history, she asked if I wanted to know, and I said no. If I ever have a burning desire to learn, I would expect honesty, but I do not want to know. The woman I love now is not the woman she was then, and I don't need complications. Knowing that she slept with numerous men or just a few will not be beneficial to our relationship. If she slept with numerous men, I then feel insecure about who I meet with her. If she slept with only a few, then I wonder what they had that made her choose them. I know myself and don't see any way that this would be beneficial to our kids or our marriage. Similarly, if the PP slept with men (in a gay relationship or just experimenting), it would not be beneficial to his relationship or kids, so there's no need to tell anybody. I think the desire to tell all must reside on the second X chromosome. It is not sad he can't tell his wife. It is good he has no desire to do so. In a marriage, we learn our boundaries. They differ from marriage to marriage. I do appreciate the reasoned explaination of something many of us don't understand.

Totally agree with your view. My spouse and I know nothing about ech other's past because knowing about it is not going to be of any benefit. We both had lives before we met and my concern is the life we have now and in the future. I am interested in what he sees in his eyes when he looks at me now, not all the details of what he did on some winter night years ago. And pp, you are right about complications. As DH puts it when he first learned that I went on Spring Break twice, "I would rather not know".

[Anonymous]

If t were a guy who wrote the affair posts you all would be all over him, face it the ones who had them are whores, home wreckers bot thier home and the other homes

so let's not sugar coat it and say we understand etc etc Have enough sense to tell the other perosn and face your issues

[Anonymous]

Yup. We didn't meet until our late 20s.

[Anonymous]

I used to be a phone sex operator. I did it on my own, from my own apartment. I had it set up so I could choose my phone sex partners, and a lot of times it was really fun. I once let it cross over into a physical exchange, though, which I regret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My skeleton is that I am a DH who has experimented with guys. For obvious reasons, she would freak.

You are right. If DH were to tell me this I would end the marriage because I would think he is gay and suppressing his true orientation because of social pressures and a wish to have children. Would not leave tomorrow but would within three years. I just don't believe guys can truly be bisexual.

you would THINK that he was gay? i would pretty much say that any act with a man is a confirmation of gay tendencies. no need to think about that too long

[Anonymous]

Does anyone think their dw or dh may be gay?

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My skeleton is that I am a DH who has experimented with guys. For obvious reasons, she would freak.

You are right. If DH were to tell me this I would end the marriage because I would think he is gay and suppressing his true orientation because of social pressures and a wish to have children. Would not leave tomorrow but would within three years. I just don't believe guys can truly be bisexual.

you would THINK that he was gay? i would pretty much say that any act with a man is a confirmation of gay tendencies. no need to think about that too long

And unless you think the same of a woman then you are a hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:41 You seem like such a good guy. I would have been mad about some of the questions and assumptions but you answered them in such a reasonable way. I still think it's too bad you can't tell your wife the truth.

I somewhat disagree. Some things are best kept in the past. The idea that your spouse must know about your past is not one I agree with. My past (drug use, sex history) was only brought out when she asked and then I gave her an honest answer to all. She now knows pretty much every woman I slept with, and is still on good terms with most of them. However, after she asked me about my history, she asked if I wanted to know, and I said no. If I ever have a burning desire to learn, I would expect honesty, but I do not want to know. The woman I love now is not the woman she was then, and I don't need complications. Knowing that she slept with numerous men or just a few will not be beneficial to our relationship. If she slept with numerous men, I then feel insecure about who I meet with her. If she slept with only a few, then I wonder what they had that made her choose them. I know myself and don't see any way that this would be beneficial to our kids or our marriage. Similarly, if the PP slept with men (in a gay relationship or just experimenting), it would not be beneficial to his relationship or kids, so there's no need to tell anybody. I think the desire to tell all must reside on the second X chromosome. It is not sad he can't tell his wife. It is good he has no desire to do so. In a marriage, we learn our boundaries. They differ from marriage to marriage. I do appreciate the reasoned explaination of something many of us don't understand.

Totally agree with your view. My spouse and I know nothing about ech other's past because knowing about it is not going to be of any benefit. We both had lives before we met and my concern is the life we have now and in the future. I am interested in what he sees in his eyes when he looks at me now, not all the details of what he did on some winter night years ago. And pp, you are right about complications. As DH puts it when he first learned that I went on Spring Break twice, "I would rather not know".

This is so bizarre to me. When I love someone I want to know everything. I feel no jealousy or resentment about the past- only curiosity because it helps me understand who a person is in the present. I even want the details when I can get them.

[Anonymous]

I had a long affair with a married man that ended years before I met my husband. I've never told him and am positive he wouldn't want to hear about it. If he ever asked me, I'd tell him the truth.

To the DH -- I'd actually be kind of impressed if my husband told me he hooked up with guys before. It would mean he's more open minded than I thought. Although I should say that in college I had a boyfriend who eventually confessed to me that he had gay relationships in the past and it eventually ended our relationship. But that was because I was completely convinced that he was a supressed homosexual -- later found gay porn in his truck and he was this big gay basher and an alcoholic, which I thought all were signs of his struggle to accept himself. I wouldn't think that was the case in every situation and that men and women can just experiment. That ex-boyfriend and I still have mutual friends and he HATES me now because I'm the only one who knows his secret.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

Anonymous wrote:

This is so bizarre to me. When I love someone I want to know everything. I feel no jealousy or resentment about the past- only curiosity because it helps me understand who a person is in the present. I even want the details when I can get them.

Who they were is what made them who they are so why wouldn't you want to know.

[Anonymous]

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is so bizarre to me. When I love someone I want to know everything. I feel no jealousy or resentment about the past- only curiosity because it helps me understand who a person is in the present. I even want the details when I can get them.

Who they were is what made them who they are so why wouldn't you want to know.

10:11 here. Why would I want to know? My wife has said that I am the best she ever had in bed. By what measure? I really don't want to know. My wife was quite easy the first time; so I really don't want to know. I know that she viewed sex a lot differently then than now, and now is what counts. I don't know if I was #8 or #20, but what she needs to know is that I will never be #10 or #22. She has made that part clear to me as well. I appreciate her for who she is. She apparently had been treated badly by previous men and I had been royally screwed over by my first wife. That has only served to make me appreciate her more for treating me nicely and her more for my treating her with respect and dignity. That is all either of us need to know. She asked me and I told her honestly. I have not asked her and don't see how it would be helpful to our lives together.