Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

What? Definitely definitely not. You want to take away her only financial security to support herself and her children? And leave her at his mercy? Wtf?

This lady sounds overloaded in life and hates her job, if she stopped working then it would be less of a load on her right

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

What? Definitely definitely not. You want to take away her only financial security to support herself and her children? And leave her at his mercy? Wtf?

This lady sounds overloaded in life and hates her job, if she stopped working then it would be less of a load on her right

Fingers not a total dunces 50/50 sounds like a vacation to her!

The kids will take it in the chin of course since they have a dunce father. But oh well. No one can help him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love all the people in this thread acting like what they are doing is radical, and then describing a spouse who has already quiet quit. My guess is that a lot of these posters gave up on being fun and attractive, probably earned less, took less good care of themselves, and then the husbands quiet quit. And they don't see the irony. Might as well just get divorced.

Well there's always 2 sides to this. I don't assume the side you mention is what everyone on the thread is describing. But, there's always 2 sides to this.

Well, DH quiet quit trying to be attractive or putting any effort into our relationship. He has mostly quiet quit parenting our SN kid. He makes a lot of money. I don’t as a result of stepping way back to take care of everything except making money. But I absolutely take care of myself and still look really good. I haven’t lost my sense of play or adventure, but I don’t get to exercise it with my spouse.

Does that mean you are cheating? There is something about the stress of having to make a lot of money that takes a toll on every provider. Eventually it becomes heavy and you do lose your desire for life because everything is expected and nothing is appreciated.

If you are giving the best of yourself to someone else then consider leaving him and carrying the burden of food, housing, saving for retirement and college etc without disrespecting the man doing his best to provide a life for you out of love. He might suck at showing it the way you desire, but I bet he wants to be the man you desire and deserve instead of the man you take advantage of and resent.

If you aren’t cheating, please forgive the rant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

What? Definitely definitely not. You want to take away her only financial security to support herself and her children? And leave her at his mercy? Wtf?

This lady sounds overloaded in life and hates her job, if she stopped working then it would be less of a load on her right

Fingers not a total dunces 50/50 sounds like a vacation to her!

The kids will take it in the chin of course since they have a dunce father. But oh well. No one can help him.

I can’t figure hire out what parts of that were wrongly autocorrected, but what I can read sounds mean and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Nope, incorrect.

If you previously used to wipe down the coffee machine at work because it was gross and you didn't want to touch it, sure it's a choice. If you choose to stop wiping down the coffee machine at work and just get coffee elsewhere, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra task.

You seem really confused about what this phrase means.

Having a career would be awesome, I had a career before I had a house and family to support, now I have a stressful way to satisfy life’s obligations.
Nope, incorrect.

If a man previously used to work hard to fund extras like international vacations, a large house, and new luxury cars, sure it's a choice. If he chooses to stop funding extras and instead moves the family to a modest house with one vacation per year at Myrtle Beach and two Honda Accords, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra.

You seem really confused about what these men are really offering, and what these wives actually offer in return.

OP here. The thing is, my income is integral to our lifestyle. And without getting into personal details, much of our spending is directly tied to DH, not me. It's not a marriage where I'm living a soft life while he provides for the family. I'm doing it all, but I don't get the basic respect and human decency I deserve. He just dumps his social and career-adjacent calendar on me like I'm always available to pick up all the slack at home. I am, because I'm not going to let the kids down, but I am just so done with the rest. Like, any part of the marriage not directly related to parenting - done.

Round numbers: how much do you make? How much does he make?

DP. How much money would someone have to make to justify not treating their spouse with respect and human decency?

Is it a specific number? Or a percentage of the HHI?

Right. I, OP, make enough money to live comfortably without any financial contribution from him, so no amount of money justifies the disrespect. Moreover, I am the saver in our family. When we separate, he will overspend, no matter how much money he makes, and I will save, no matter how much money I make.

Your silence on the actual financial facts of the case is telling. Your arguments only work with a bunch of vague hand-waving. Not with actual reality.

Another DP: It doesn't matter. OP is allowed to have a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Nope, incorrect.

If you previously used to wipe down the coffee machine at work because it was gross and you didn't want to touch it, sure it's a choice. If you choose to stop wiping down the coffee machine at work and just get coffee elsewhere, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra task.

You seem really confused about what this phrase means.

Nope, incorrect.

If a man previously used to work hard to fund extras like international vacations, a large house, and new luxury cars, sure it's a choice. If he chooses to stop funding extras and instead moves the family to a modest house with one vacation per year at Myrtle Beach and two Honda Accords, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra.

You seem really confused about what these men are really offering, and what these wives actually offer in return.

OP here. The thing is, my income is integral to our lifestyle. And without getting into personal details, much of our spending is directly tied to DH, not me. It's not a marriage where I'm living a soft life while he provides for the family. I'm doing it all, but I don't get the basic respect and human decency I deserve. He just dumps his social and career-adjacent calendar on me like I'm always available to pick up all the slack at home. I am, because I'm not going to let the kids down, but I am just so done with the rest. Like, any part of the marriage not directly related to parenting - done.

Round numbers: how much do you make? How much does he make?

DP. How much money would someone have to make to justify not treating their spouse with respect and human decency?

Is it a specific number? Or a percentage of the HHI?

If one spouse works 65 hours a week and makes $600k, and the other works 40 hours a week and makes $125k, is it reasonable that one of them should do more around the house than the other? Or further, even if they both work 40 hours a week, why divide the remainder of life's work evenly? They don't divide the money-earning evenly. I don't understand why people don't just hire help. But a lot of wives refuse b/c it's power trip to bttch to their husband about his not mowing the lawn/sacking the trash/loading the dishwasher. All things that could be done by a greencard holder for $20/hr.

If, in this instance, the man making $600k said, “I’m not able to help around the house because I am working, so I am going to hire someone to do my share of the chores,” I think that would be more than fine.
Or if he said, “I make 80-85% of the income, so I will only do 15-20% of the household chores.” That would also be more or less okay.

What doesn’t work is when he says, “I make a high income, so I am going to do 0% of the housework, not even the things that I was doing when I was living on my own before we were married.”

I am the PP and I agree with you 100%. The husband should take the initiative to hire out some of the household chores to ease the burden on his wife. If he doesn't, it also seems reasonable that she hires out some of these chores if she is overworked, which she is. Hire a cleaner and a lunch packer for heaven's sake.

That can backfire as well, she might feel replaced instead of valued. Another concern might be that she wants him to be there and be present, the frustration is not about chores, just wanting him to want to be there and be engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOL at the title of the post. What is quite quitting a marriage?

This is just an example of a bad marriage - divorce or don't. OP chose a crap DH because her own dad was a crap dad. That's it.

Why aren't we blaming the dh instead of op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Nope, incorrect.

If you previously used to wipe down the coffee machine at work because it was gross and you didn't want to touch it, sure it's a choice. If you choose to stop wiping down the coffee machine at work and just get coffee elsewhere, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra task.

You seem really confused about what this phrase means.

Nope, incorrect.

If a man previously used to work hard to fund extras like international vacations, a large house, and new luxury cars, sure it's a choice. If he chooses to stop funding extras and instead moves the family to a modest house with one vacation per year at Myrtle Beach and two Honda Accords, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra.

You seem really confused about what these men are really offering, and what these wives actually offer in return.

OP here. The thing is, my income is integral to our lifestyle. And without getting into personal details, much of our spending is directly tied to DH, not me. It's not a marriage where I'm living a soft life while he provides for the family. I'm doing it all, but I don't get the basic respect and human decency I deserve. He just dumps his social and career-adjacent calendar on me like I'm always available to pick up all the slack at home. I am, because I'm not going to let the kids down, but I am just so done with the rest. Like, any part of the marriage not directly related to parenting - done.

Round numbers: how much do you make? How much does he make?

DP. How much money would someone have to make to justify not treating their spouse with respect and human decency?

Is it a specific number? Or a percentage of the HHI?

If one spouse works 65 hours a week and makes $600k, and the other works 40 hours a week and makes $125k, is it reasonable that one of them should do more around the house than the other? Or further, even if they both work 40 hours a week, why divide the remainder of life's work evenly? They don't divide the money-earning evenly. I don't understand why people don't just hire help. But a lot of wives refuse b/c it's power trip to bttch to their husband about his not mowing the lawn/sacking the trash/loading the dishwasher. All things that could be done by a greencard holder for $20/hr.

If, in this instance, the man making $600k said, “I’m not able to help around the house because I am working, so I am going to hire someone to do my share of the chores,” I think that would be more than fine.
Or if he said, “I make 80-85% of the income, so I will only do 15-20% of the household chores.” That would also be more or less okay.

What doesn’t work is when he says, “I make a high income, so I am going to do 0% of the housework, not even the things that I was doing when I was living on my own before we were married.”

I am the PP and I agree with you 100%. The husband should take the initiative to hire out some of the household chores to ease the burden on his wife. If he doesn't, it also seems reasonable that she hires out some of these chores if she is overworked, which she is. Hire a cleaner and a lunch packer for heaven's sake.

That can backfire as well, she might feel replaced instead of valued. Another concern might be that she wants him to be there and be present, the frustration is not about chores, just wanting him to want to be there and be engaged.

That's a valid point. Sometimes it's the control factor. Like if she can't get him to do the chores she has listed for him, she feels like she has lost control of him in general. It's not about the chores, it's about the control dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Nope, incorrect.

If you previously used to wipe down the coffee machine at work because it was gross and you didn't want to touch it, sure it's a choice. If you choose to stop wiping down the coffee machine at work and just get coffee elsewhere, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra task.

You seem really confused about what this phrase means.

Nope, incorrect.

If a man previously used to work hard to fund extras like international vacations, a large house, and new luxury cars, sure it's a choice. If he chooses to stop funding extras and instead moves the family to a modest house with one vacation per year at Myrtle Beach and two Honda Accords, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra.

You seem really confused about what these men are really offering, and what these wives actually offer in return.

OP here. The thing is, my income is integral to our lifestyle. And without getting into personal details, much of our spending is directly tied to DH, not me. It's not a marriage where I'm living a soft life while he provides for the family. I'm doing it all, but I don't get the basic respect and human decency I deserve. He just dumps his social and career-adjacent calendar on me like I'm always available to pick up all the slack at home. I am, because I'm not going to let the kids down, but I am just so done with the rest. Like, any part of the marriage not directly related to parenting - done.

Round numbers: how much do you make? How much does he make?

DP. How much money would someone have to make to justify not treating their spouse with respect and human decency?

Is it a specific number? Or a percentage of the HHI?

If one spouse works 65 hours a week and makes $600k, and the other works 40 hours a week and makes $125k, is it reasonable that one of them should do more around the house than the other? Or further, even if they both work 40 hours a week, why divide the remainder of life's work evenly? They don't divide the money-earning evenly. I don't understand why people don't just hire help. But a lot of wives refuse b/c it's power trip to bttch to their husband about his not mowing the lawn/sacking the trash/loading the dishwasher. All things that could be done by a greencard holder for $20/hr.

If, in this instance, the man making $600k said, “I’m not able to help around the house because I am working, so I am going to hire someone to do my share of the chores,” I think that would be more than fine.
Or if he said, “I make 80-85% of the income, so I will only do 15-20% of the household chores.” That would also be more or less okay.

What doesn’t work is when he says, “I make a high income, so I am going to do 0% of the housework, not even the things that I was doing when I was living on my own before we were married.”

I am the PP and I agree with you 100%. The husband should take the initiative to hire out some of the household chores to ease the burden on his wife. If he doesn't, it also seems reasonable that she hires out some of these chores if she is overworked, which she is. Hire a cleaner and a lunch packer for heaven's sake.

High income couples headed for divorce instead of hiring household help is mind-boggling. Household help comes at a fraction of the cost of divorce! It's nuts!

DP It's almost never about the help. It's about one spouse quitting the other: quitting the family, quitting the marriage, quitting the other spouse entirely. Not caring. At all.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like OP wants out.
Divorce

Sounds like Op is stuck, and deeply regrets having children with someone that self-centered, uninvolved and incapable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Nope, incorrect.

If you previously used to wipe down the coffee machine at work because it was gross and you didn't want to touch it, sure it's a choice. If you choose to stop wiping down the coffee machine at work and just get coffee elsewhere, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra task.

You seem really confused about what this phrase means.

Nope, incorrect.

If a man previously used to work hard to fund extras like international vacations, a large house, and new luxury cars, sure it's a choice. If he chooses to stop funding extras and instead moves the family to a modest house with one vacation per year at Myrtle Beach and two Honda Accords, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra.

You seem really confused about what these men are really offering, and what these wives actually offer in return.

OP here. The thing is, my income is integral to our lifestyle. And without getting into personal details, much of our spending is directly tied to DH, not me. It's not a marriage where I'm living a soft life while he provides for the family. I'm doing it all, but I don't get the basic respect and human decency I deserve. He just dumps his social and career-adjacent calendar on me like I'm always available to pick up all the slack at home. I am, because I'm not going to let the kids down, but I am just so done with the rest. Like, any part of the marriage not directly related to parenting - done.

Round numbers: how much do you make? How much does he make?

DP. How much money would someone have to make to justify not treating their spouse with respect and human decency?

Is it a specific number? Or a percentage of the HHI?

If one spouse works 65 hours a week and makes $600k, and the other works 40 hours a week and makes $125k, is it reasonable that one of them should do more around the house than the other? Or further, even if they both work 40 hours a week, why divide the remainder of life's work evenly? They don't divide the money-earning evenly. I don't understand why people don't just hire help. But a lot of wives refuse b/c it's power trip to bttch to their husband about his not mowing the lawn/sacking the trash/loading the dishwasher. All things that could be done by a greencard holder for $20/hr.

If, in this instance, the man making $600k said, “I’m not able to help around the house because I am working, so I am going to hire someone to do my share of the chores,” I think that would be more than fine.
Or if he said, “I make 80-85% of the income, so I will only do 15-20% of the household chores.” That would also be more or less okay.

What doesn’t work is when he says, “I make a high income, so I am going to do 0% of the housework, not even the things that I was doing when I was living on my own before we were married.”

I am the PP and I agree with you 100%. The husband should take the initiative to hire out some of the household chores to ease the burden on his wife. If he doesn't, it also seems reasonable that she hires out some of these chores if she is overworked, which she is. Hire a cleaner and a lunch packer for heaven's sake.

That can backfire as well, she might feel replaced instead of valued. Another concern might be that she wants him to be there and be present, the frustration is not about chores, just wanting him to want to be there and be engaged.

Nah. He’ll just hire the first thing he finds on his iPhone google search, overpay and not manage, tell the woman to show up, and give her zero instruction or guidance.
The house will be a $hit$how and the kids will be late and uncared for. But hey, dad hired some “help.” Throw some more money at it, give her the family credit card too.
Oh no house rules or schedule or instruction, tell her to “ask the kids”. lol.

Btdt. Fails fasts

[Anonymous]

Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Nope, incorrect.

If you previously used to wipe down the coffee machine at work because it was gross and you didn't want to touch it, sure it's a choice. If you choose to stop wiping down the coffee machine at work and just get coffee elsewhere, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra task.

You seem really confused about what this phrase means.

Nope, incorrect.

If a man previously used to work hard to fund extras like international vacations, a large house, and new luxury cars, sure it's a choice. If he chooses to stop funding extras and instead moves the family to a modest house with one vacation per year at Myrtle Beach and two Honda Accords, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra.

You seem really confused about what these men are really offering, and what these wives actually offer in return.

OP here. The thing is, my income is integral to our lifestyle. And without getting into personal details, much of our spending is directly tied to DH, not me. It's not a marriage where I'm living a soft life while he provides for the family. I'm doing it all, but I don't get the basic respect and human decency I deserve. He just dumps his social and career-adjacent calendar on me like I'm always available to pick up all the slack at home. I am, because I'm not going to let the kids down, but I am just so done with the rest. Like, any part of the marriage not directly related to parenting - done.

Round numbers: how much do you make? How much does he make?

DP. How much money would someone have to make to justify not treating their spouse with respect and human decency?

Is it a specific number? Or a percentage of the HHI?

If one spouse works 65 hours a week and makes $600k, and the other works 40 hours a week and makes $125k, is it reasonable that one of them should do more around the house than the other? Or further, even if they both work 40 hours a week, why divide the remainder of life's work evenly? They don't divide the money-earning evenly. I don't understand why people don't just hire help. But a lot of wives refuse b/c it's power trip to bttch to their husband about his not mowing the lawn/sacking the trash/loading the dishwasher. All things that could be done by a greencard holder for $20/hr.

If, in this instance, the man making $600k said, “I’m not able to help around the house because I am working, so I am going to hire someone to do my share of the chores,” I think that would be more than fine.
Or if he said, “I make 80-85% of the income, so I will only do 15-20% of the household chores.” That would also be more or less okay.

What doesn’t work is when he says, “I make a high income, so I am going to do 0% of the housework, not even the things that I was doing when I was living on my own before we were married.”

I am the PP and I agree with you 100%. The husband should take the initiative to hire out some of the household chores to ease the burden on his wife. If he doesn't, it also seems reasonable that she hires out some of these chores if she is overworked, which she is. Hire a cleaner and a lunch packer for heaven's sake.

That can backfire as well, she might feel replaced instead of valued. Another concern might be that she wants him to be there and be present, the frustration is not about chores, just wanting him to want to be there and be engaged.

That's a valid point. Sometimes it's the control factor. Like if she can't get him to do the chores she has listed for him, she feels like she has lost control of him in general. It's not about the chores, it's about the control dynamic.

Nope.

Picking up after yourself is table stakes if you live with others. Teaching your kids good manners or doing their homework is basic parenting. Not about control at all.

In fact HIM being late, him leaving messes, him needing 5 reminders, and him being unresponsive is HIS petty control and manipulation move. Really inflates a losers ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

Bro, this is everyone who stayed married longer than 5 years. What did you think was going to happen?

If you grew up somewhere more "comfortable" and "fun", your dad was just taking his licks and running interference for the kids' sake. A saint, in other words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

What they nagging about? pP?

You left your size 12 shoes in the dark hallway again?

Or you didn’t trim the orchid garden well enough?

Respect is earned