Any other women quiet quitting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Nope, incorrect.

If you previously used to wipe down the coffee machine at work because it was gross and you didn't want to touch it, sure it's a choice. If you choose to stop wiping down the coffee machine at work and just get coffee elsewhere, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra task.

You seem really confused about what this phrase means.

Nope, incorrect.

If a man previously used to work hard to fund extras like international vacations, a large house, and new luxury cars, sure it's a choice. If he chooses to stop funding extras and instead moves the family to a modest house with one vacation per year at Myrtle Beach and two Honda Accords, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra.

You seem really confused about what these men are really offering, and what these wives actually offer in return.

OP here. The thing is, my income is integral to our lifestyle. And without getting into personal details, much of our spending is directly tied to DH, not me. It's not a marriage where I'm living a soft life while he provides for the family. I'm doing it all, but I don't get the basic respect and human decency I deserve. He just dumps his social and career-adjacent calendar on me like I'm always available to pick up all the slack at home. I am, because I'm not going to let the kids down, but I am just so done with the rest. Like, any part of the marriage not directly related to parenting - done.

Round numbers: how much do you make? How much does he make?

DP. How much money would someone have to make to justify not treating their spouse with respect and human decency?

Is it a specific number? Or a percentage of the HHI?

If one spouse works 65 hours a week and makes $600k, and the other works 40 hours a week and makes $125k, is it reasonable that one of them should do more around the house than the other? Or further, even if they both work 40 hours a week, why divide the remainder of life's work evenly? They don't divide the money-earning evenly. I don't understand why people don't just hire help. But a lot of wives refuse b/c it's power trip to bttch to their husband about his not mowing the lawn/sacking the trash/loading the dishwasher. All things that could be done by a greencard holder for $20/hr.

If, in this instance, the man making $600k said, “I’m not able to help around the house because I am working, so I am going to hire someone to do my share of the chores,” I think that would be more than fine.
Or if he said, “I make 80-85% of the income, so I will only do 15-20% of the household chores.” That would also be more or less okay.

What doesn’t work is when he says, “I make a high income, so I am going to do 0% of the housework, not even the things that I was doing when I was living on my own before we were married.”

I am the PP and I agree with you 100%. The husband should take the initiative to hire out some of the household chores to ease the burden on his wife. If he doesn't, it also seems reasonable that she hires out some of these chores if she is overworked, which she is. Hire a cleaner and a lunch packer for heaven's sake.

That can backfire as well, she might feel replaced instead of valued. Another concern might be that she wants him to be there and be present, the frustration is not about chores, just wanting him to want to be there and be engaged.

Nah. He’ll just hire the first thing he finds on his iPhone google search, overpay and not manage, tell the woman to show up, and give her zero instruction or guidance.
The house will be a $hit$how and the kids will be late and uncared for. But hey, dad hired some “help.” Throw some more money at it, give her the family credit card too.
Oh no house rules or schedule or instruction, tell her to “ask the kids”. lol.

Btdt. Fails fasts

[Anonymous]

Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

You sound passive-aggressive. That doesn’t solve any issues.

How is self-care passive-aggressive?

DP - By definition "quiet" anything is passive aggressive. Direct aggressive is confronting with: "Henceforth X is what's happening, because Y and therefore Z". Announcing to the anonymous internet you're "quitting" is passive weak sauce bullshit.

You brought children into the world with a non-parent. Take full responsibility. Now.

Nope, incorrect.

If you previously used to wipe down the coffee machine at work because it was gross and you didn't want to touch it, sure it's a choice. If you choose to stop wiping down the coffee machine at work and just get coffee elsewhere, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra task.

You seem really confused about what this phrase means.

Nope, incorrect.

If a man previously used to work hard to fund extras like international vacations, a large house, and new luxury cars, sure it's a choice. If he chooses to stop funding extras and instead moves the family to a modest house with one vacation per year at Myrtle Beach and two Honda Accords, that isn't being passive aggressive, it's just not doing the extra.

You seem really confused about what these men are really offering, and what these wives actually offer in return.

OP here. The thing is, my income is integral to our lifestyle. And without getting into personal details, much of our spending is directly tied to DH, not me. It's not a marriage where I'm living a soft life while he provides for the family. I'm doing it all, but I don't get the basic respect and human decency I deserve. He just dumps his social and career-adjacent calendar on me like I'm always available to pick up all the slack at home. I am, because I'm not going to let the kids down, but I am just so done with the rest. Like, any part of the marriage not directly related to parenting - done.

Round numbers: how much do you make? How much does he make?

DP. How much money would someone have to make to justify not treating their spouse with respect and human decency?

Is it a specific number? Or a percentage of the HHI?

If one spouse works 65 hours a week and makes $600k, and the other works 40 hours a week and makes $125k, is it reasonable that one of them should do more around the house than the other? Or further, even if they both work 40 hours a week, why divide the remainder of life's work evenly? They don't divide the money-earning evenly. I don't understand why people don't just hire help. But a lot of wives refuse b/c it's power trip to bttch to their husband about his not mowing the lawn/sacking the trash/loading the dishwasher. All things that could be done by a greencard holder for $20/hr.

If, in this instance, the man making $600k said, “I’m not able to help around the house because I am working, so I am going to hire someone to do my share of the chores,” I think that would be more than fine.
Or if he said, “I make 80-85% of the income, so I will only do 15-20% of the household chores.” That would also be more or less okay.

What doesn’t work is when he says, “I make a high income, so I am going to do 0% of the housework, not even the things that I was doing when I was living on my own before we were married.”

I am the PP and I agree with you 100%. The husband should take the initiative to hire out some of the household chores to ease the burden on his wife. If he doesn't, it also seems reasonable that she hires out some of these chores if she is overworked, which she is. Hire a cleaner and a lunch packer for heaven's sake.

That can backfire as well, she might feel replaced instead of valued. Another concern might be that she wants him to be there and be present, the frustration is not about chores, just wanting him to want to be there and be engaged.

That's a valid point. Sometimes it's the control factor. Like if she can't get him to do the chores she has listed for him, she feels like she has lost control of him in general. It's not about the chores, it's about the control dynamic.

Nope.

Picking up after yourself is table stakes if you live with others. Teaching your kids good manners or doing their homework is basic parenting. Not about control at all.

In fact HIM being late, him leaving messes, him needing 5 reminders, and him being unresponsive is HIS petty control and manipulation move. Really inflates a losers ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

Bro, this is everyone who stayed married longer than 5 years. What did you think was going to happen?

If you grew up somewhere more "comfortable" and "fun", your dad was just taking his licks and running interference for the kids' sake. A saint, in other words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

What they nagging about? pP?

You left your size 12 shoes in the dark hallway again?

Or you didn’t trim the orchid garden well enough?

Respect is earned

[Anonymous]

The "bro" is a woman, just to be clear. It's everything: how cleaning/organizing is done, etc., etc. Feels their way or the highway for some subjective things. Tried to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

My husband is a combo of this and OP’s husband. He has high standards and is upset if they aren’t met, but he doesn’t feel that he needs to do any of it himself.
I did hire a lot of help when the kids were little. I had a babysitter when I was working plus a husband and wife team that did all of the housework, cooking, and yard work. It saved our marriage, but I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do. It really covered up a lot of issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

There's no such thing as a nag. There's only men who refuse to listen the first 30x.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love all the people in this thread acting like what they are doing is radical, and then describing a spouse who has already quiet quit. My guess is that a lot of these posters gave up on being fun and attractive, probably earned less, took less good care of themselves, and then the husbands quiet quit. And they don't see the irony. Might as well just get divorced.

So the spouses queit quit on taking care of their children and houses because the other spouse stop being fun and attractive... This is some pathetic stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone experience marrying someone who became a real nag? (I keep hearing about women having to chase men to do chores but opposite problem here; you can't feel comfortable in your own home unless it's how they want it.) Wish they could be more laid back as I grew up in a comfortable, clean house where we had this little word called fun and it seems the opposite of what I hear.

There's no such thing as a nag. There's only men who refuse to listen the first 30x.

There are nags. I know some, and I am a woman who generally agrees that the majority of men can do much better. However, there are nags, and interestingly enough, the nags tend to have better husbands. Looks like nagging only works when it's excessively. Looks like most men will do a certain percentage of things you remind them to do. Let's say 40%. If you ask for 1 thing, they will attempt it. If you ask for 100, they will do 40. If you ask for 10, they will do 4. So women who spend all day asking get more stuff done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love all the people in this thread acting like what they are doing is radical, and then describing a spouse who has already quiet quit. My guess is that a lot of these posters gave up on being fun and attractive, probably earned less, took less good care of themselves, and then the husbands quiet quit. And they don't see the irony. Might as well just get divorced.

Most lucid analysis so far.

+1000000 their dh already quiet quit

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m talking about emotionally detaching and reducing effort in the marriage to the bare minimum. I’m burnt out from a full-time job and being the default parent. At the end of the day, my kids, clients, and husband take everything I have to give, leaving nothing for me. I’m sick of all his “work” conferences, dinners, and pleasure trips while I’m breaking my back at work and at home. I’m just done. He adds no value to my life anymore. I’m calendaring my own solo bucket-list trips this year. I’m not communicating with him outside of necessary parenting. I’m dropping the rope on anything related to his family. I’m investing my time and income in myself, my kids, and my friendships. He gets nothing from me. How long can this last? Long enough to finish raising kids? I won’t exactly be sad if it leads to divorce, so fear of divorce is not motivating me to keep trying.

Would you be happier being a SAH and not having to work (despite popular culture saying girl boss, instinctively it's opposite)? That may also be an option instead of divorce.

What? Definitely definitely not. You want to take away her only financial security to support herself and her children? And leave her at his mercy? Wtf?

This lady sounds overloaded in life and hates her job, if she stopped working then it would be less of a load on her right

I hate to admit it, but it does seem like OP could be happier. Or at least have some fun. But there is a big risk and she might still be unhappy and without a paycheck

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yeah, based on talking to my friends, this is very common, especially for the ones who married American women. Otherwise, not so much.

Most of my friends make mid six-figures, financially very comfortable, but the wives have insisted on having a very busy career of their own--one that usually amounts to less than my friend's income tax. They've begged their wives to let the hobby job go, take more time with family, etc., but the women prefer the persecution complex of "having to do it all" and "a woman's work is never done" "third shift" and all that.

These are the garbage men like my exDH who pushed me out of the workforce because his salary made mine “pointless” and he didn’t want to do his share of parenting and wanted me to pick it up because he “was on track for seven figures”.

Well guess what? Two weeks before he hit seven figures, he served me divorce papers. Assets divide in divorce, income doesn’t.

Don’t let a manipulative man scheme to get you to carry his share and drop your salary. It’s a ploy that only benefits him.

Wouldn't the lower earning spouse get alimony?

I'm a DH but I'm sympathetic to women wanting to stay in the labor force. But if the husband is making high income and the wife still wants to work, hiring outside help seems like a better solution. Trying to do it all or getting mad that DH who works 60-80 hours a week and earns mid to high six figures doesn't have energy to do laundry seems pointless.

Different poster. In terms of the housework, it really isn’t about the laundry. It’s about empathy.

If the guy working 60-80 hours a week recognized that his wife was doing all of the things, told her that he didn’t want her to be exhausted because it isn’t healthy, and they got on care.com and Craigslist and worked together to hire a housekeeper 3-5 days a week, then that would help. If she just hires the housekeeper on her own and manages that person, it still feels *to her* like she’s handling everything.
I mean, you can imagine a guy who works 80 hours a week and feels bad that he isn’t home more vs a guy who feels that he has the most important job and feels that he shouldn’t have to do anything at home.


And when it comes to parenting kids it’s that kids need their other parent. The OP is one person. She has gaps in her knowledge and skills when it comes to raising kids. We all do. Ideally, the other parent would be another layer of Swiss cheese, and stacked on top of one another it would reduce the gaps. Instead, most of the time he’s not there at all, and when he is, instead of layering on top and jumping in to systems already in place, he keeps taking bites out of the other person’s cheese! wanting more for himself, and making the holes even bigger.

I get that part of what makes these guys great at their jobs is this belief that he can do anything. These are those guys that, in the movies, defy the odds and succeed despite the naysayers. But they also need to recognize reality and see where they are falling short. If you are working 80 hours a week, you are not doing things that need to be done with the house and the kids because you aren’t physically present to do them.

Going back to the housekeeper. If these guys can recognize that they are letting their family down in some way, make peace with that, and take steps to rectify the situation, and hiring a housekeeper or the wife working less is part of that, then great. If he isn’t willing to admit that he is failing at home, and the narrative is that he is doing his part but that his wife can’t hack it, then hiring help isn’t going to help the marriage.

Your post suggests you haven’t had a real job in a long time. No, someone with a 60-80 hour a week job has very little time to hire a housekeeper or read up on parenting solutions.

You also sound incredibly spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Single mom by choice and my child is doing great. I read these threads and am glad that I have no one else to answer to and my decisions are my own. Has it been hard? Yes. This is the new trend. So many SMBC in the DC area. When people used to post about it on DCUM we were treated like lepers. Now it is a growing movement.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. I regret marriage and kids. My quality of life is soooo much lower.

I resent being the primary parent and still expected to work. He mansplains to me about finding a better job as if I could travel like he can.

He’s also unkind to me and says rude things.

Same. If I could do my life over again not a chance I'd marry.

I agree, if you are a woman there are so many other ways to have kids and a family with way more legal and financial protections!

Yeah, the results are in and fatherlessness is FANTASTIC for kids.

[Anonymous]

I am a well-off woman in my 40s . My DC from exH is chronically depressed, on weed, and not social. Their father was screaming at him since early childhood and I feel I committed a crime by staying in that marriage for too long. Too much conflict left my child traumatized.

If my DC gets better, I want to adopt a 5yo girl and grow her all on my own. It would be really nice not to have coparenting obligations and logistics with a hateful, neglectful man who is only focused on his pleasures and career.