I was raised to be a mousy woman

[Anonymous]

I love my mom, but she raised me to be a pleaser. And to "turn the other cheek" and to serve my DH and make things nice for everyone. I will always be described as a nice person, but a pushover. My kids know it, my DH knows it and my friends know it. How do you become stronger and stop caring if people don't like what you say or do? I obsess over hurting someone's feelings, and if I do stand up for myself, people attack me. Usually because I have held my anger in for so long, I blow up. And it always shocks everyone. I no longer host dinners or holidays at my home, because I end up doing all the work. And I have stopped babysitting everyone's kids for free. But I still feel like a doormat, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

Be aggressive. I see that works quite well at work. It commands respect when people don't want to give it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mom, but she raised me to be a pleaser. And to "turn the other cheek" and to serve my DH and make things nice for everyone. I will always be described as a nice person, but a pushover. My kids know it, my DH knows it and my friends know it. How do you become stronger and stop caring if people don't like what you say or do? I obsess over hurting someone's feelings, and if I do stand up for myself, people attack me. Usually because I have held my anger in for so long, I blow up. And it always shocks everyone. I no longer host dinners or holidays at my home, because I end up doing all the work. And I have stopped babysitting everyone's kids for free. But I still feel like a doormat, what should I do?

You sound like me.

[Anonymous]

Me, too. Unfortunately, it is hard to change a lifetime of conditioning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be aggressive. I see that works quite well at work. It commands respect when people don't want to give it to you.

No, OP, be assertive not aggressive. There is a huge difference as aggression does not command respect, it antagonizes others. Assertive commands respect. You may need to take some classes to help you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Here are some high-rated books on Amazon:

The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, by Randy Paterson

Too Nice for Your Own Good : How to Stop Making 9 Self-Sabotaging Mistakes, by Duke Robinson

I'm sure there are others...

As an aside, when I searched for "how to be more assertive," a movie came up, too: Fried Green Tomatoes. Definitely worth watching if you haven't seen it, and it speaks to your issues quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Don't be a victim to your upbringing. You recognize your history. Now start taking charge of who you are. Say "I used to be a mousy woman, now I am going to be my own woman". And move on.

[Anonymous]

Start paying attention to the ways you sabotage yourself and practicing more assertive behaviors. Read books like the ones PP suggest.

I know exactly where you're coming from OP, I've been there and am working my way out of it. Believe me, you can change things, but it takes time, effort and determination.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you become stronger and stop caring if people don't like what you say or do?

Hit your 40th birthday. Then you just don't give a damn what people think any longer.

[Anonymous]

Some things you can do right now:

Don't smile as much. Sounds mean but overpleasers are always smiling even while the resentment is building up.

Don't say "I'm sorry" when you have no control over the situation and/or it's not your fault (as in, "I'm so sorry it's raining." WTF?).

Practice saying, "That plan/task/situation (whatever) doesn't work for me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you become stronger and stop caring if people don't like what you say or do?

Hit your 40th birthday. Then you just don't give a damn what people think any longer.

LOL. So true. I'm 41 and could give a rat's ass what anybody thinks. If they don't like it, they know what they can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you become stronger and stop caring if people don't like what you say or do?

Hit your 40th birthday. Then you just don't give a damn what people think any longer.

LOL. So true. I'm 41 and could give a rat's ass what anybody thinks. If they don't like it, they know what they can do.

Amen. At 40, I realized that I was a pretty good person, with some flaws (we all have 'em). I forgave myself the flaws, and life is a whole lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mom, but she raised me to be a pleaser. And to "turn the other cheek" and to serve my DH and make things nice for everyone. I will always be described as a nice person, but a pushover. My kids know it, my DH knows it and my friends know it. How do you become stronger and stop caring if people don't like what you say or do? I obsess over hurting someone's feelings, and if I do stand up for myself, people attack me. Usually because I have held my anger in for so long, I blow up. And it always shocks everyone. I no longer host dinners or holidays at my home, because I end up doing all the work. And I have stopped babysitting everyone's kids for free. But I still feel like a doormat, what should I do?

I don't think you sound mousy. You sound like a nice person. The next time someone asks you to do something you really don't want to do, say "no, I can't". Or if you find you do end up saying "yes" when really you want to say no, contact the person afterward and say that you thought about it, but you really can't do "x, y, or z". You can still be yourself, which sounds nice and caring, and just make sure you say no when necessary. And if you care about what they say in response, well, you'll feel bad about it a few days and they you'll forget about it. You'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, the nicest people I know are also the meanest, nastiest, go for the jugular people I know. I would not be so quick to categorize if I were you. GL.

[Anonymous]

I am a pleaser... have a gigantic difficulty to say "no, I cannot do this"... It is horrible! And then, I feel resentment.... But I am much better now than I used to be, I am learning to be more selfish. I had to go through a psychological evaluation hand to answer lots of questions, do some tests, etc. I mentioned that I was becoming more selfish lately (couple of years) and she said that is actually a good thing.

But I still have to learn to say "no!" Some people DO walk all over you once they figure out they can pretty much get away with anything... like leaving their dog/cat/whatever with me for a fu%^&&^ng whole month while they travel. This past summer, for the first time, I was able to say "no", although I had to give an excuse... ideally, I would just say "no" without having to justify myself.