I was raised to be a mousy woman

[Anonymous]

NP. Another small thing. Try to stop bottling up your anger. When something makes you angry, say something about that thing right then. I've had to learn to do this and it is much more effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you become stronger and stop caring if people don't like what you say or do?

Hit your 40th birthday. Then you just don't give a damn what people think any longer.

This-- only for me 35 was the magic number. BUT I've crossed too far into "agressive" a little too often. On the plus side, I hardly care about the fallout anymore.

Congratulations on your awakening.

[Anonymous]

and you are still blaming your mother for how you act at 40?

take responsibility for your choices, for one. recognize that you are taking on other people's problems (why?) and that you would rather be miserable and say yes to every request than deal with the anxiety you get when you say no. own it. say i would rather do xyz and stop blaming everything on other people.

[Anonymous]

My child is a "pleaser" by nature. Believe me - I am pretty much the opposite - and add to that she is not my biological child - and I believe the pleaser temperament is something that is innate and could probably be made worse by upbringing but maybe not as much as you think.
I wish I knew how to make a person overcome this because I would love to help my child but so far no strategy I have found really works and makes my child feels like is is not being true to herself.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you change your behavior, you will certainly get pushback from people in your life. They expect you to act one way and now you aren't. It's inevitable.

My mother was like you but much worse. She never expressed her own needs, never tried to meet them, and did everything for everyone else. Total martyr. Instead of making everyone like her, she ended up with quite a few who abused her helpfulness and who didn't respect her at all. If you don't respect yourself and your own needs, why should anyone else respect you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your post. But I disagree with a few things.

I agree with PP that a pleaser temperament is innate, and not a product of upbringing. I do think that a pleaser temperament can use circumstance to excuse a lack of backbone, and that some things exacerbate it, like low self esteem. But it is most certainly not just upbringing, because as the oldest of 10, with the same mother as my siblings, I am the only pleaser, and I drive my family insane with my stories of being endlessly put upon. None of them understand me, because that is so far from their temperaments. And my mother taught us Christian virtues, such as giving until it hurts and turning the other cheek and seeking peace--NONE of which require being a doormat.

I am 35 now, and I will share my own personal moves towards more assertiveness, which may or may not apply to you, so take what you will.

First, after a particularly egregious "used and abused" incident, my sainted mother said in loving exasperation: "you let people do these things to you because you feel like you do not deserve any better.". This hit me hard. I was a very bad person for a number of years (starting with a sexual assault that happened because of my inability to assert myself), and even though I have asked forgiveness and been forgiven by everyone, including God, I still struggle with a sense of despair that I don't deserve to walk with my head held high. I know that is an evil temptation, but it's a struggle. I'm working on it.

Second, I take charity seriously. I try to be charitable whenever situations arise. But that would often be detrimental to my own family, who would resent the fact that I had nothing left for them. Now I understand that my first obligations are to my own family, and that includes keeping myself healthy and capable of taking care of them. So I shifted my focus to seeing myself as the hero of my family before all else. And so I prioritize my exercise, my rest, my diet, my downtime, my prayer life, NOT because I am selfish, but because those things are necessary to sustain those who need me most.

Third, I don't give up as soon as I slip up. After year of entrenched routines, it is hard for me to change, and it is hard for my husband to have patience for me ("I thought we agreed you would say no to that!"). But he's making the effort to not get angry, and to gently and lovingly help me figure out how to best approach each situation. That makes me feel valued, instead of the worthless spineless screw up of the family.

It hasn't been smooth sailing. I lost a friendship when I stood up for my son, who was being bullied. I hurt someone's feelings when I said I wasn't capable of helping her at a particular time. My husband had to step into a couple situations, which would have been much more smooth if I had just had guts from the beginning. And I acknowledge this will always be a weak spot for me, because I cannot change my temperament--I can only change how I deal with the temperament I've been dealt.

Very first step, very important: stop passing the blame. Stop blaming at all. The past is the past. Accept and treasure every aspect of who you are, including your upbringing and the mistakes you have made. Without them, you wouldn't be here asking for advice. Then gather your loved ones around you and get their support. Ask them to help you break out of habitual behaviors.

This does NOT mean you have license to be rude, aggressive, and selfish! You are still obligated to be kind, generous, and giving. Your smile probably lights up the room--keep smiling. Just give yourself a foundation of knowing who to fight for, who to defend, who to support, and the rest of your obligations will automatically prioritize.

Of all the ironies, while I was typing this, a friend called asking for me to help her, and I said I had to call her back . I hope something about my experience helped you, OP.

PS. The martyr until you blow up thing--I get it. But it needs to stop, because it's lose-lose. Wish you the best!

[Anonymous]

Practice saying NO. You can add a qualifier, if you're uncomfortable, like you're just busy.

Also, tink about the example you are setting for your children. Do you want your kids to think that women should be nice doormats?

[Anonymous]

Yup born a pleaser as well, hate confrontation but eventually reach a boiling point after being taken advantage of and blow up. What changed for me? The death of a close family member. Put everything into perspective and made me realize time is too short to be living a role that is not making me happy. I've lost family and friends over my new assertiveness but I'm much happier with the outcome. Those that are no longer my friends were the worse offenders taking advantage of my need to please. Now people listen when I talk, they realize that I'm not going to feed an army for the holidays without help and that I'm no longer a floor mat for free babysitting. I'm not a jerk about stuff but I'm much more aware of my own needs and what makes me happy and I've gotten much better about making sure things are equal.

[Anonymous]

Google dependent personality disorder.

[Anonymous]

OP, a book that really helped me was "The Dance of Anger". I too was raised to be sweet, nonthreatening and infinitely approachable. My mother always told me that "it's not ladylike to show anger." Funny thing how her rage, often apropos of nothing, would boil over and manifest itself in verbal and physical abuse of her daughter.
I know that CBT might help with the assertiveness. Scripts you have memorized and keep in the back of your mind are good too with person first language...when you do X, it makes me feel y.
I will say this: in the often cold and unfriendly D.C. area I've received more than one compliment on my smiling catch-more-flies-with honey attitude. Just wish that I could stand up for myself more in personal relationships.

[Anonymous]

Who cares what people think? Color your hair green and walk down the street, the world does not end. Says "No" if you don't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Substitute "Alcoholic" for "being mousy" and see how that seems. If your mother was an alcoholic, does that mean you have to be?

what i mean is, we all learned things from our family upbringing, and now we have to unlearn some of the bad habits.

Just because your mother was mousy doesn't mean you have to be. People can change and mature.

Good luck to you OP.

[Anonymous]

Every day, I'm so glad my mother raised us to think we could do anything and not give a damn about what other people think. I think it's why all of us are so succesful today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day, I'm so glad my mother raised us to think we could do anything and not give a damn about what other people think. I think it's why all of us are so succesful today.

You sound like a peach.

[Anonymous]

I was a people pleaser too. Living in the city and going into the career I did has helped me. Now at 35, I am much more assertive and have much more confidence than I did ten years ago.

It's important to have a balance. I am still a nice person and I still bite my tongue, but I'm more assertive and I stand up for myself more. Possibly being a mom has helped too. The whole mama bear thing. And the working mom thing - I don't have time for BS anymore