Sleeping in on family vacation: what is reasonable?

[Anonymous]

Most Americans have given up on the idea of the Family Matriarch or Patriarch having power over the rest of the adults. But add the elder's money (now or future money) into the equation, and it's harder for all adults to treat each other as equal peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most Americans have given up on the idea of the Family Matriarch or Patriarch having power over the rest of the adults. But add the elder's money (now or future money) into the equation, and it's harder for all adults to treat each other as equal peers.

I make my own money, as does my husband. The idea that my homemaker MIL wields financial power over me is laughable. She’s nice, and we get along, but when she tries to be controlling, I just reply with a bemused smile. Oh, I’m not going to inherit her Tupperware? M’kay.

[Anonymous]

ok not you, but others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand that even if you get what you want, you won’t get what you want.

Say they get up when you want. What happens if the kids spend breakfast whining and complaining because they wanted to sleep in? Will you be happy or annoyed? What if the lengthy breakfast means early bedtimes for everyone, so no playing games or watching sunsets with the grandkids. What if getting up early means your DIL needs a break (from her kids and likely from you guys) by lunchtime, right when you want to go out on a boat or head out for a hike?

You think “this would be perfect if they just got up an hour earlier.” But (1) it will never be perfect, and (2) it might already be as good as it’s going to get. Be careful with your meddling. Don’t rely on others to make your happiness out of their misery. It never ends well.

Wise and true.

My mother is like you, OP. For decades she's woken up her husband at the crack of dawn, just because SHE's an early riser. When we visit, she gets anxious and huffy when we wake up at 9am (jet lag - for us it's 3am!). EVERYTHING has to be done her way, otherwise we're selfish and imposing and weird. It's not a question of money or who pays for what. She just cannot comprehend that others may seek something different out of life. Or that if they do, they're normal, instead of being strange and embarrassing. She has so many hang-ups and issues.

So try to relax and enjoy the time you have with your family, OP. It won't get any better than this, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of when DH, I and our then 3 yr DC drove 4 hours to a family wedding where no kids were allowed- not only did I have to hole up in the hotel room alone with DC, the next morning we were expected at breakfast to toast the bride and groom (again) while DHs family harassed me about not leaving DC with “a volunteer from church” back home, 4 hours drive away. Last time we vacation with grandparents who think they still run the show. OP sounds like the type of mother to insist her children celebrate her on Mother’s Day and not their wives. Poor DL- the contempt from OP
Is so clear in her writing.

You didn’t “have to” do anything, dipshyt. That’s what the REGRETS box is for. Tick it next time, stay home. Stop whining about your own damn choice to go.

Or go but hire a nanny. Stop being cheap.

Hard to send regrets and hire a nanny when you are not told it’s no kids allowed until you arrive but thanks for the double insult! My post was to highlight how often MILs/FILs don’t give expectations or the whole truth until arrival- as in OPs DILs case- I’m sure she didn’t know grandma expected them all to wake up prior to 8 am breakfast and that she would talk badly about her on public forum!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of when DH, I and our then 3 yr DC drove 4 hours to a family wedding where no kids were allowed- not only did I have to hole up in the hotel room alone with DC, the next morning we were expected at breakfast to toast the bride and groom (again) while DHs family harassed me about not leaving DC with “a volunteer from church” back home, 4 hours drive away. Last time we vacation with grandparents who think they still run the show. OP sounds like the type of mother to insist her children celebrate her on Mother’s Day and not their wives. Poor DL- the contempt from OP
Is so clear in her writing.

You didn’t “have to” do anything, dipshyt. That’s what the REGRETS box is for. Tick it next time, stay home. Stop whining about your own damn choice to go.

Or go but hire a nanny. Stop being cheap.

Hard to send regrets and hire a nanny when you are not told it’s no kids allowed until you arrive but thanks for the double insult! My post was to highlight how often MILs/FILs don’t give expectations or the whole truth until arrival- as in OPs DILs case- I’m sure she didn’t know grandma expected them all to wake up prior to 8 am breakfast and that she would talk badly about her on public forum!

So you received a paper invitation not from the bride and the groom themselves, but rather were just told about the event through your MIL/FIL? How very odd. Because if you had received a paper invite, it would either have been addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Tad Smith,” or “The Smith Family.” THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW if kids are invited, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can eat breakfast whenever you like! Then sit and have another cup of coffee with them.

You want to eat? Eat. You want to take an hour? Do it. You don’t have to spend every second together.

Being together is rather the point of a family vacation. But I do like your suggestion of DH and I eating first and just having coffee with them.

My ILs expect 3 meals a day at a set table when we vacation with them. It is utterly oppressive and exhausting. Oh and at least an hour of wine and talk after dinner, if not 2 hours. Yes, I excuse myself and go to bed.

[Anonymous]

OP you have forgotten what it is like to work and have to be up early most days. Vacations are for sleeping in a little, a little bit of cuddly time for son and dil.

Why can't you tell them that you will meet them down at breakfast. You know they will be there in the last 30mins. So get there earlier enjoy a breakfast and then have some coffee while they eat. You don't need to cut things up or fetch juice.

Your comment on dil finding this place so you will be finding the next place sort of tells me that you are blaming Dil and perhaps taking issue with the fact that she is getting her way and you are not. Its not really the case, you could have your breakfast and let them rush in at the last minute, you will still spend time with them but would fully enjoy the start to your day.

If someone wanted me out of bed early on vacation I doubt I would bother going with them again, vacation is to relax for everyone. Just try to relax and enjoy yourself, not everything needs to run on a strict schedule.

[Anonymous]

Op--They are showing up for breakfast. It's a lot to shuffle 4 people through the bathroom and get dressed on vacation. And then make it to breakfast before closing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read the whole thread but I’m curious - is this Woodloch Pines? If so, breakfast is soooo good. It just might not be the right place for that family because meals are during set windows (or rent one of the houses and just do your own meals)

I had never heard of this place, but it looks like it could be a lot of fun. Breakfast there appears to end at 9:30 though, and the long-gone pouty OP said breakfast was over at 9:30 at their resort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before bed tonight, say to them, we are going to breakfast at 8 tomorrow. Would you like to join us or should we meet up after for x activity?

But the point of a family vacation is to do activities and meals together! We want to do activities with them.

Wow. You are tedious.

[Anonymous]

I have not read this whole thread, but, damn!

We take vacations like this every year with my in-laws (and about 20 other people because my husband has 4 sisters so I am the only DIL, and I do think there is a different dynamic with DIL and daughters).

My in-laws pay for EVERYTHING. The reality is, that this is their vacation. The other reality is that my FIL is actually the inflexible one, but due to gender roles and dynamics in their marriage, my MIL is the "bad guy" trying to police everyone around his annoying inflexibility. I try to remember this whenever I get annoyed with her.

After some hiccups the first year, this is how I changed things so I could have a nice vacation:

My husband is in charge of getting our kids to ALL family meals/activities with my ILs. Dinner together is the most important meal to my ILs, so I show up for that, otherwise, if I want to sleep-in, I sleep in. If I don't want to kayak, I don't kayak. As soon as we have the "schedule", I pick one thing a day, that I am going to do with my kids, and I let MIL know as early as possible by email/text. We are doing ropes course on thursday at 2p. She has been early-warned and now actually appreciates my organization (she, and others, are welcome to join us of course).

I wish we could pay our own way to end this dynamic, but we have not figured out how to do that. My husband's sisters only want a free vacation, and their husbands just go along with it, like men do. I put the onus on my husband to deal with everything, since it is his family, and things are much happier.

[Anonymous]

brunch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read the whole thread but I’m curious - is this Woodloch Pines? If so, breakfast is soooo good. It just might not be the right place for that family because meals are during set windows (or rent one of the houses and just do your own meals)

I had never heard of this place, but it looks like it could be a lot of fun. Breakfast there appears to end at 9:30 though, and the long-gone pouty OP said breakfast was over at 9:30 at their resort.

Why wouldn’t OP be long gone, dum-dum? Her vacation has been over for more than two weeks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most Americans have given up on the idea of the Family Matriarch or Patriarch having power over the rest of the adults. But add the elder's money (now or future money) into the equation, and it's harder for all adults to treat each other as equal peers.

I make my own money, as does my husband. The idea that my homemaker MIL wields financial power over me is laughable. She’s nice, and we get along, but when she tries to be controlling, I just reply with a bemused smile. Oh, I’m not going to inherit her Tupperware? M’kay.

Look, I don’t think grandparents should run the show based on money, but the tone of this post is pretty awful. It comes across as dismissive and superior based on life choices.