Tell me what divorce will be like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

AMEN

My ex and I attend every party, shower, wedding, etc together....with our new spouses. No one is angry. It doesn’t have to be a huge mess. Our kids are happy and include everyone.

You don’t really know how “happy” everyone is. You can speak only for yourself.

I do know. We’ve had very honest conversations since day 1.

No, you don't know. Kids tell you what they think you want to hear, not necessarily the truth. They'll tell therapists things they'll never tell you.

Give it a rest Dr Phil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

AMEN

My ex and I attend every party, shower, wedding, etc together....with our new spouses. No one is angry. It doesn’t have to be a huge mess. Our kids are happy and include everyone.

You don’t really know how “happy” everyone is. You can speak only for yourself.

I do know. We’ve had very honest conversations since day 1.

No, you don't know. Kids tell you what they think you want to hear, not necessarily the truth. They'll tell therapists things they'll never tell you.

Give it a rest Dr Phil.

Source: not Dr. Phil, but Dr. Judith Wallerstein (The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce) and Dr. JoAnne Pedro-Carroll (Putting Children First).

Try again, dumbass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

Divorce doesn't make that happen. It can happen in a marriage. Try it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

Divorce doesn't make that happen. It can happen in a marriage. Try it!

Divorce can change behaviors for the better. I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE. After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise. It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

Divorce doesn't make that happen. It can happen in a marriage. Try it!

Divorce can change behaviors for the better. I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE. After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise. It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.

So your kids will be on their own to deal with him for the rest of their lives? Sounds super fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

Divorce doesn't make that happen. It can happen in a marriage. Try it!

Divorce can change behaviors for the better. I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE. After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise. It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.

So your kids will be on their own to deal with him for the rest of their lives? Sounds super fun.

Boy, you're sure moving the goalposts of divorce shaming, aren't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s achingly lonely at times. Other times it’s just perfect. Sex is easy to find, some of it is great sex. That’s fun.

At the end of the day though no one is calling me a Cu*t in drunken rages in front of our three precious kids, I’m making a shit ton of money and I’ve learned that loneliness is hardly the worst fate. I’ve had given up much more to get away from the rageaholic drunk he became. My kids are happier and at peace. They’re with me most of the time- and when they’re with their dad it’s a good break for me. I travel a lot. Lots of yoga. I’ve withdrawn from my friends- losing them in the grief and horror of the divorce was just too painful and I haven’t really gone back to being the social butterfly o was. Not now.

The hardest thing is that I have lost all faith in the words of a new lover. I don’t believe in big, true love anymore- losing that is sad but okay.

Divorcing over one of the three "A's"--addiction, adultery or abuse is understandable. If your ex husband is a hard core alcoholic I'd have concern about the kids with their Dad. Does Dad drive the kids? You might consider alateen for the kids.

I’m not sure what is broken in you that you find joy from hurting the people who come on here and bravely offer their experiences.

Thank you for trying to play up my fears and insecurities. Thanks for trying to point out and grind my face in my greatest fear. When their drunk dad lived with us I also could not guarantee what state he was in- you think I can control it now? You think I haven’t woken up sweaty with fear and have had many talks with my kids- that’s after spending $200,000 on divorce and a PRE - successfully as I have physical custody. Abuse and addiction are horrible, heaping on that abuse by cutting down and planting insecurity shows me you’re no different than him - you just aren’t drunk.

No, I wasn't trying to grind your face in anything. Clearly your family is in a better place than married to an alcoholic. I just wanted to mention that there
are resources for kids out there with alcoholic parents. Professional counseling etc. The courts in most states rule that alcoholic parents
get time with their kids, even those parents with severe alcoholism.

Signed, former kid with alcoholic Dad who wishes Mom had left.

[Anonymous]

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

To avoid divorce, it is also necessary for the other person to notice, and care, when someone changes their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

Divorce doesn't make that happen. It can happen in a marriage. Try it!

Divorce can change behaviors for the better. I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE. After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise. It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.

So your kids will be on their own to deal with him for the rest of their lives? Sounds super fun.

Boy, you're sure moving the goalposts of divorce shaming, aren't you?

No. Divorce has lifelong consequences and dealing with a parent on your own is one of them. Parents divorcing should be cognizant of this and weigh the pros and cons of the change they are imposing on their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

Divorce doesn't make that happen. It can happen in a marriage. Try it!

Divorce can change behaviors for the better. I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE. After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise. It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.

So your kids will be on their own to deal with him for the rest of their lives? Sounds super fun.

Boy, you're sure moving the goalposts of divorce shaming, aren't you?

No. Divorce has lifelong consequences and dealing with a parent on your own is one of them. Parents divorcing should be cognizant of this and weigh the pros and cons of the change they are imposing on their children.

If the marriage is bad, and the parents stay married, there are lifelong consequences of poor relationship modeling. It is not ok for kids to see their parents miserable—it will teach them they have to stay no matter what and they have to suffer. If normalizes misery in relationships. That is far worse than a divorce done well. It is not the end of the world and preferably to a poor example of marriage where parents are constantly fighting and/or chronically unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

Divorce doesn't make that happen. It can happen in a marriage. Try it!

Divorce can change behaviors for the better. I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE. After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise. It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.

So your kids will be on their own to deal with him for the rest of their lives? Sounds super fun.

Boy, you're sure moving the goalposts of divorce shaming, aren't you?

No. Divorce has lifelong consequences and dealing with a parent on your own is one of them. Parents divorcing should be cognizant of this and weigh the pros and cons of the change they are imposing on their children.

Not being able to divorce because you fear the other parent will endanger or abuse the children is a real thing, and truly horrific, and you should feel sympathetic towards those parents because they CANNOT divorce, not use their terribly circumstances as a cudgel against the rest of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities. And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first. And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.

This. Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids. It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.

Divorce doesn't make that happen. It can happen in a marriage. Try it!

Divorce can change behaviors for the better. I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE. After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise. It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.

So your kids will be on their own to deal with him for the rest of their lives? Sounds super fun.

Boy, you're sure moving the goalposts of divorce shaming, aren't you?

No. Divorce has lifelong consequences and dealing with a parent on your own is one of them. Parents divorcing should be cognizant of this and weigh the pros and cons of the change they are imposing on their children.

Not being able to divorce because you fear the other parent will endanger or abuse the children is a real thing, and truly horrific, and you should feel sympathetic towards those parents because they CANNOT divorce, not use their terribly circumstances as a cudgel against the rest of us.

Yes, it's very sad. But the fact remains dealing with a difficult parent on their own is also a hardship for children. For the entire life of the parent, maybe especially in the elderly years. Divorce is dumping this problem on your children. If you decide it's still in their best interest, great. But don't pretend it isn't going to be hard for them. I'm sure they'll love seeing you have fun with your new boyfriend while they cope on their own with their difficult father.