Tell me what divorce will be like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

AMEN

My ex and I attend every party, shower, wedding, etc together....with our new spouses. No one is angry. It doesn’t have to be a huge mess. Our kids are happy and include everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

Ok thanks you condescending twat. I shudder to think of the issues your kids are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

It’s achingly lonely at times. Other times it’s just perfect. Sex is easy to find, some of it is great sex. That’s fun.

At the end of the day though no one is calling me a Cu*t in drunken rages in front of our three precious kids, I’m making a shit ton of money and I’ve learned that loneliness is hardly the worst fate. I’ve had given up much more to get away from the rageaholic drunk he became. My kids are happier and at peace. They’re with me most of the time- and when they’re with their dad it’s a good break for me. I travel a lot. Lots of yoga. I’ve withdrawn from my friends- losing them in the grief and horror of the divorce was just too painful and I haven’t really gone back to being the social butterfly o was. Not now.

The hardest thing is that I have lost all faith in the words of a new lover. I don’t believe in big, true love anymore- losing that is sad but okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

AMEN

My ex and I attend every party, shower, wedding, etc together....with our new spouses. No one is angry. It doesn’t have to be a huge mess. Our kids are happy and include everyone.

PP here. Exactly. Thank you for chiming in!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

LOL, you think you can tell in advance that they won't need therapy? What a joke. Nobody can predict that. And double LOL to the idea your DH and his new wife will agree to a prenup. New wives look out for their own children first. It is you making huge assumptions!

Neither of us is interested in remarrying ever. He would also never marry anyone with children and he does not want more children. My kids will not need therapy. Their lives will hardly change at all. Only difference is that they will spend time with us separately. We will be nesting for a few years. They have never known us to share a bedroom. Not much will change.

Oh honey. You are in denial. Do not believe what your STBX says! He is telling you what you want to hear so that you won't try to lock down money for the kids. They will definitelt need therapy, because their mother is delusional.

I’m pretty sure I know my husband a lot better than you

Bet you thought you knew him when you married him too.

I knew him...I almost cancelled the wedding. He was supposed to prove me wrong. He didn’t. Everything I said would happen, happened. We are logical people...not emotional people. We know we can divorce well even though the marriage never should have happened.

And yet- you went ahead with the wedding proving that you are not logical at all

It was all logic. That was the problem. We were not really in love. I had to make all the sacrifices in the relationship. That logically worked for him...he convinced me with logic that it would work and we would be at less risk of divorce because we were not madly in love but have similar personalities. It might have worked if kids did not enter the picture. But I got sick and stupidly succumbed to pressure to have sex even though I said I did not want to get pregnant. I was logically okay with a loveless companionate marriage without kids. I was about to leave right before the pregnancy accident. Logic could nor sustain it. But logic should be able to handle a businesslike divorce relationship. Easier without emotional attachment that marriage is supposed to have: 100% convinced it will be easier for both of us and dealing with the kids divorced. No longer pretending. We can be amicable. We can’t be married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

AMEN

My ex and I attend every party, shower, wedding, etc together....with our new spouses. No one is angry. It doesn’t have to be a huge mess. Our kids are happy and include everyone.

You don’t really know how “happy” everyone is. You can speak only for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s achingly lonely at times. Other times it’s just perfect. Sex is easy to find, some of it is great sex. That’s fun.

At the end of the day though no one is calling me a Cu*t in drunken rages in front of our three precious kids, I’m making a shit ton of money and I’ve learned that loneliness is hardly the worst fate. I’ve had given up much more to get away from the rageaholic drunk he became. My kids are happier and at peace. They’re with me most of the time- and when they’re with their dad it’s a good break for me. I travel a lot. Lots of yoga. I’ve withdrawn from my friends- losing them in the grief and horror of the divorce was just too painful and I haven’t really gone back to being the social butterfly o was. Not now.

The hardest thing is that I have lost all faith in the words of a new lover. I don’t believe in big, true love anymore- losing that is sad but okay.

Divorcing over one of the three "A's"--addiction, adultery or abuse is understandable. If your ex husband is a hard core alcoholic I'd have concern about the kids with their Dad. Does Dad drive the kids? You might consider alateen for the kids.

[Anonymous]

If alcoholic Dad is not in recovery or working a program
and things were bad enough that you divorced I'd
have concern for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

AMEN

My ex and I attend every party, shower, wedding, etc together....with our new spouses. No one is angry. It doesn’t have to be a huge mess. Our kids are happy and include everyone.

You don’t really know how “happy” everyone is. You can speak only for yourself.

I do know. We’ve had very honest conversations since day 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorces affect kids, high school students, college students
and young adults of all ages.

Parents are in pretty major denial in thinking a divorce will
not affect kids to young adults (20 somethings).

So what are you supposed to do if behavior has emerged in your marriage that is intolerable?

What kind of behavior? You have to be more specific than that. As a PP said, divorce is for one of the 3 A's ONLY: Abuse (and I mean physical or serious, ongoing verbal abuse; not, "he said some things that hurt my feelings); Addictions; Adultery.

Anything less than that, get counseling and work it out.

what a weird rule of thumb. you can still love your spouse even in the case of an addiction or despair. and you can have a toxic, terrible marriage, that hurts your kids, without any of those three. it's evident you know nothing about why relationships fail.

[Anonymous]

Divorce = Hell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s achingly lonely at times. Other times it’s just perfect. Sex is easy to find, some of it is great sex. That’s fun.

At the end of the day though no one is calling me a Cu*t in drunken rages in front of our three precious kids, I’m making a shit ton of money and I’ve learned that loneliness is hardly the worst fate. I’ve had given up much more to get away from the rageaholic drunk he became. My kids are happier and at peace. They’re with me most of the time- and when they’re with their dad it’s a good break for me. I travel a lot. Lots of yoga. I’ve withdrawn from my friends- losing them in the grief and horror of the divorce was just too painful and I haven’t really gone back to being the social butterfly o was. Not now.

The hardest thing is that I have lost all faith in the words of a new lover. I don’t believe in big, true love anymore- losing that is sad but okay.

Divorcing over one of the three "A's"--addiction, adultery or abuse is understandable. If your ex husband is a hard core alcoholic I'd have concern about the kids with their Dad. Does Dad drive the kids? You might consider alateen for the kids.

I’m not sure what is broken in you that you find joy from hurting the people who come on here and bravely offer their experiences.

Thank you for trying to play up my fears and insecurities. Thanks for trying to point out and grind my face in my greatest fear. When their drunk dad lived with us I also could not guarantee what state he was in- you think I can control it now? You think I haven’t woken up sweaty with fear and have had many talks with my kids- that’s after spending $200,000 on divorce and a PRE - successfully as I have physical custody. Abuse and addiction are horrible, heaping on that abuse by cutting down and planting insecurity shows me you’re no different than him - you just aren’t drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

I am seriously worried for your children. Your cavalier "their life will not change that much, therefore they will be fine" attitude is horrifying.

My mother was severely mentally ill—that is absolutely no comparison and they will have a much easier time growing up regardless of a divorce or not compared to the hell that I went through. They are going to be just fine . Better off than I ever was in almost every way possible. People can be committed coparent without being married; other people do in other countries all the time.

Well, PP, with all due respect, I have to say this explains a lot. I truly hope that you have been in serious therapy yourself -- growing up with a mentally ill mother is one of the most cruel fates I can imagine. And again, with complete respect and I mean this kindly, I'm afraid that some of your comments here show how it has impacted your own emotional state and relationship with your kids.

I wish you much peace and I hope that you all get the support you need.

My relationship with my kids is just fine as is my husbands relationship with our kids. They really will be OK I’m really tired of people acting like divorce has to be this big disaster. As much as you divorce fear mongers don’t wanted minute there is such a thing as amicable divorce. People can be committed and good coparents. Just the institution of marriage does not mean that is the only way to do it when the relationship is not working at all and will never improve and when a divorce is inevitable. I’ve seen many people who has had divorced parents who turned out just fine and in fact many of them turned out better than people whose parents stayed married and miserable marriages. it’s the parents— not the divorce itselfZ

AMEN

My ex and I attend every party, shower, wedding, etc together....with our new spouses. No one is angry. It doesn’t have to be a huge mess. Our kids are happy and include everyone.

You don’t really know how “happy” everyone is. You can speak only for yourself.

I do know. We’ve had very honest conversations since day 1.

No, you don't know. Kids tell you what they think you want to hear, not necessarily the truth. They'll tell therapists things they'll never tell you.

[Anonymous]

Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.

+1
Well said