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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.[/quote]

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities.  And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first.  And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.  [/quote]

This.  Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids.  It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.  [/quote]

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.[/quote]

Divorce doesn't make that happen.   It can happen in a marriage.  Try it![/quote]

Divorce can change behaviors for the better.  I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE.  After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise.  It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.
[/quote]

So your kids will be on their own to deal with him for the rest of their lives? Sounds super fun.[/quote]

Boy, you're sure moving the goalposts of divorce shaming, aren't you?  [/quote]

No.  Divorce has lifelong consequences and dealing with a parent on your own is one of them.  Parents divorcing should be cognizant of this and weigh the pros and cons of the change they are imposing on their children.[/quote]

Not being able to divorce because you fear the other parent will endanger or abuse the children is a real thing, and truly horrific, and you should feel sympathetic towards those parents because they CANNOT divorce, not use their terribly circumstances as a cudgel against the rest of us.  [/quote]

Yes, it's very sad.  But the fact remains dealing with a difficult parent on their own is also a hardship for children.  For the entire life of the parent, maybe especially in the elderly years.  Divorce is dumping this problem on your children.  If you decide it's still in their best interest, great.  But don't pretend it isn't going to be hard for them.  I'm sure they'll love seeing you have fun with your new boyfriend while they cope on their own with their difficult father.[/quote]

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