Tell me what divorce will be like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce shaming on this thread is unbelievable.
Bet these people consider themselves progressive. Ha!

You should be ashamed of it. It is about the most profound personal failure the average person can have.

The most profound personal failure the average person can have is not being true to themselves. That's personal failure. Staying in a marriage where you feel emotionally abused/drained/detached is a personal failure. Divorce is a failure of two people not communicating, but most certainly not a profound personal failure.

No.

"Staying in a marriage where you feel emotionally abused/drained/detached is a personal failure."

Back up a bit. You did not marry them because they caused you to feel that way (or if you did, that is a different kind of personal failure). That you allowed your relationship with your spouse to degenerate to the point where you feel emotionally abused/drained/detached is a personal failure.

"Divorce is a failure of two people not communicating, but most certainly not a profound personal failure."

LMAO you are making my point for my. Failing to communicate with your spouse - to the point where you decide to divorce them instead of learning to communicate - most certainly IS a profound personal failure.

I wonder what you're projecting?

Many of us tried to save our marriages, and it was not possible. So yes, it's a huge failing to have a relationship fall apart ... but to have the strength to divorce is not a failure. a failure would be to continue letting the marriage deteriorate until it explodes or you lose all will to live.

Many of us tried to save our marriages, and it was not possible. <-- which does not make it any less a personal failure

to have the strength to divorce is not a failure. <-- "doing what you want to do because it is the path of least resistance" is a "strength" now

a failure would be to continue letting the marriage deteriorate until it explodes or you lose all will to live. <-- Yes, that would be a failure. But that does not make divorce any less of a failure. Success would be correcting the problems and fixing the marriage, not getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

You should be ashamed of it. It is about the most profound personal failure the average person can have.

Really? A more profound failure than being convicted of a felony? Becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol? What do you mean by "average" person?

Your sense of profound is shocking and misguided.

This is the current president's third marriage. Is he a more profound failure than someone who has only been divorced once?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce shaming on this thread is unbelievable.
Bet these people consider themselves progressive. Ha!

You should be ashamed of it. It is about the most profound personal failure the average person can have.

The most profound personal failure the average person can have is not being true to themselves. That's personal failure. Staying in a marriage where you feel emotionally abused/drained/detached is a personal failure. Divorce is a failure of two people not communicating, but most certainly not a profound personal failure.

No.

"Staying in a marriage where you feel emotionally abused/drained/detached is a personal failure."

Back up a bit. You did not marry them because they caused you to feel that way (or if you did, that is a different kind of personal failure). That you allowed your relationship with your spouse to degenerate to the point where you feel emotionally abused/drained/detached is a personal failure.

"Divorce is a failure of two people not communicating, but most certainly not a profound personal failure."

LMAO you are making my point for my. Failing to communicate with your spouse - to the point where you decide to divorce them instead of learning to communicate - most certainly IS a profound personal failure.

I wonder what you're projecting?

Many of us tried to save our marriages, and it was not possible. So yes, it's a huge failing to have a relationship fall apart ... but to have the strength to divorce is not a failure. a failure would be to continue letting the marriage deteriorate until it explodes or you lose all will to live.

Many of us tried to save our marriages, and it was not possible. <-- which does not make it any less a personal failure

to have the strength to divorce is not a failure. <-- "doing what you want to do because it is the path of least resistance" is a "strength" now

a failure would be to continue letting the marriage deteriorate until it explodes or you lose all will to live. <-- Yes, that would be a failure. But that does not make divorce any less of a failure. Success would be correcting the problems and fixing the marriage, not getting a divorce.

Dude. All I have so say is, there's something seriously wrong with you. What happened to you?

[Anonymous]

Major trolling going on here

As if marrying someone who revealed his ADD and autism only once having more responsibilities than his personal eating, dating, and going to work is someone else’s fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Major trolling going on here

As if marrying someone who revealed his ADD and autism only once having more responsibilities than his personal eating, dating, and going to work is someone else’s fault.

I seriously don’t understand how people can miss this. Do your due diligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce shaming on this thread is unbelievable.
Bet these people consider themselves progressive. Ha!

You should be ashamed of it. It is about the most profound personal failure the average person can have.

Any body with an ounce of life experience will know this is way off the mark. This must be someone trolling for responses. I guess I took the bait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Major trolling going on here

As if marrying someone who revealed his ADD and autism only once having more responsibilities than his personal eating, dating, and going to work is someone else’s fault.

I seriously don’t understand how people can miss this. Do your due diligence.

NP. I don’t get it either. It’s like, you couldn’t see how he managed household tasks, external stressors, studying, money/budgeting, his schedule and whatever else? I think the real answer is that it just wasn’t a problem before adding kids and real responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My most profound personal failure was marrying my first husband....no doubt about that. My mom even grabbed my face 10 minutes before I was to walk down the aisle and begged me not to marry him. I was too ashamed to admit I had made a mistake and went on with the wedding. I tried to make it work, but it was doomed. Best decision of my life was getting divorced.

+1. Me too. About to finally divorce. It was never right. I hate how most advice and judgment comes with the assumption that the relationship was once great, both were in love, and it deteriorated. In some cases, like mine, it was simply a mistake to begin with and in those cases, none of the typical advice applies and it is really best to divorce.

[Anonymous]

The divorce shaming on here is insane! Marriage is a commitment but ffs sometimes it does not work out. It does not make bad people. Why donpeople think that? Is it based on faith? Social conservatism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My most profound personal failure was marrying my first husband....no doubt about that. My mom even grabbed my face 10 minutes before I was to walk down the aisle and begged me not to marry him. I was too ashamed to admit I had made a mistake and went on with the wedding. I tried to make it work, but it was doomed. Best decision of my life was getting divorced.

+1. Me too. About to finally divorce. It was never right. I hate how most advice and judgment comes with the assumption that the relationship was once great, both were in love, and it deteriorated. In some cases, like mine, it was simply a mistake to begin with and in those cases, none of the typical advice applies and it is really best to divorce.

+2. Young people often make poor decisions, and I don’t think anyone should have a miserable life or be seen as a failure because of a dumb mistake. Everyone should be allowed three really stupid mistakes in their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be the booty call of lots of a$$holes you will find online. You will certainly catch HPV.

You will not get married again, unless you find a man in the same situation as you. Your next spouse will probably be 15 years older than you or more.

You will be doing the childcaring on your own. Your kids will get messed up and need therapy. Your DH will move on and have a new family.

Your HHI will be impacted. It is rough out there.

PP here. I got HPV from my husband. 50% of women get it by age 50. Not a big deal.
Who cares about getting remarried? Never again.
50/50 custody—I will be doing less childcare, actually
Kids will not need therapy. They will be fine. Their life will not change that much.
(I am messed up from parents who stayed married in a terrible marriage.)
DH is done with kids. Unlikely to remarry ever: but if he does, I am ok with it. He will get a prenup to protect kids’ assets.
Who cares about HHI? Yes, it will be less. But I am 40% of the wealth. My quality of life will decrease. It is worth the emotional cost of staying in a marriage wasting more years that will ultimately end in divorce anyway.

You are making huge assumptions about divorce that are not universally true.

LOL, you think you can tell in advance that they won't need therapy? What a joke. Nobody can predict that. And double LOL to the idea your DH and his new wife will agree to a prenup. New wives look out for their own children first. It is you making huge assumptions!

Exactly. That will all change. My dad and step mother ended up being married 25 years before he died. Our family ocean condo that he and my mother picked out ended up with step mother, and everything else. Over the years he put her on the titles...so much for pre-nups. They didn't have kids (thank God!), but she told us years later dad said if she wanted a child he'd be ok with that. He was 50 when he married her! When I told my sister she said she wouldn't have considered that child to be a sibling or family. I felt the same way and probably would have cut off my dad. Our parents had a friendly divorce, he met 2nd wife 5 years later yet it still changed the dynamics of our family in a very negative way. I understand divorce can't be avoided sometimes, but often the parents put strangers above their own blood. It happened with us, and I see it everyday. Then idiots that have more kids after already having a family do even more harm. We were all adults yet we still talk about it today, the harm that was done. Pretending it doesn't is ridiculous. We never told my dad any of our feelings. What would it have accomplished?

So you would have preferred your parents stay miserable their entire lives.....so you could have a condo? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so many bitter soundings answers.

OP - everyone is different, so who knows how dating will go for you? It depends on your social circle, looks, personality... I think ANYONE can find a partner, but finding a real connection is unpredictable. But if you know the marriage is irreparable then isn’t it better to take the chance at having a life you want v the certainty of being in miserable relationship?

As for kids and divorce kids all have rough patches - the posters saying what their parents divorced did to was terrible- ok, but another perspective- my parents stayed married for over 30 years until my mom passed away. And my sister and I used to HOPE they would split. They either argued or lived very separate lives for periods of time and there was always tension at home. I would have preferred coming home to two people apart but happy than living how I did.

Everyone has experiences when growing up that effect your adult relationships- you can manage those experiences to an extent but it’s just life. Always take the high road with anything relating to their dad (ex or husband) & don’t remarry right away but they’ll be fine.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The divorce shaming on here is insane! Marriage is a commitment but ffs sometimes it does not work out. It does not make bad people. Why donpeople think that? Is it based on faith? Social conservatism?

+ 1!

I think people are defending the choices they have made to stay in marriages that are troubled- thinking they have some sort of superiority for sticking it out- or people unhappily divorced & misery loves company and all. I think women are always harsh judges of other women, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait a year to date? Would people give a man the same advice? I doubt it. Good luck and don’t stay lonely and celibate for a year, get out there!

remarried man here - yes, in fact this would be the advice a man (with kids) would receive. I have given this advice myself in fact. I waited a year before I dated - focused on my kid, in that time, building a home, and creating a lifestyle and an environment where DC would thrive and to minimize any sense of loss. When I started dating, I dated a number of women over a period of about 2 years before meeting my amazing 2nd wife. Had I not taken that time to focus on myself, my kid, etc. I would have been been a complete mess in terms of relationships.

Ha ha ha. You took a whole, long 2 years to date before you settled down with someone. We can expect it will take OP a lot longer than 2 years to find husband number 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Major trolling going on here

As if marrying someone who revealed his ADD and autism only once having more responsibilities than his personal eating, dating, and going to work is someone else’s fault.

I seriously don’t understand how people can miss this. Do your due diligence.

NP. I don’t get it either. It’s like, you couldn’t see how he managed household tasks, external stressors, studying, money/budgeting, his schedule and whatever else? I think the real answer is that it just wasn’t a problem before adding kids and real responsibility.

+1
Running an actual household (property, cars, 2+ children, activities/schedules, jobs, leisure and work travel) and raising children (caring for, instilling values, teaching life skills, practicing academic skills, socializing, keeping healthy, etc.) is when you learn what someone’s made of. you and your spouse will either rise to the occasion or retreat into a selfish or clueless juvenile stage. You and your spouse will either be a good team and conquer anything or work against each other (this includes deadweights).

If they can’t handle it or won’t handle it, they’ll recede back into bachelor life of work, eat, sleep and hope their wife puts up with it. Maybe sprinkle in some goof around time with the kids after they eat their dinner. But they put themselves first - their eating, their sleep, their image, their career. They simply aren’t marriage or real father material. Leaves the wife with a few bad options of how to proceed.