Reply to Tell me what divorce will be like

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Divorce doesn't mess up kids--conflict does. Plenty of married people in conflicting causing serious harm to their kids' emotional well-being. But they don't have the courage to move on and learn something new.

These horror stories of divorce--you think that those relationships could have worked out? It's not a binary -- stay together and be happy vs. be divorced and be miserable. So many people let fear drive them and they stay in a bad marriage, meanwhile teaching their kids how to have bad relationships.[/quote]

Yes. But, people don't just fall into high-conflict relationships - they end up in them because one or both partners are high-conflict personalities.  And the conflict will continue after divorce, unless the parents make a concerted effort to put the kids first.  And, high-conflict personalities can be to a certain extent an inherited temperament, so if you have an anxious/reactive kid by nature, who spends years in a high-conflict family and then a high-conflict divorce, everything is compounded.  [/quote]

This.  Then subsequent marriages are as bad or worse, further traumatizing the kids.  It's the people and their behaviors, not the marriage itself.  [/quote]

I hope you realize that, given self-awareness and willingness, people are capable of changing their behaviors.[/quote]

Divorce doesn't make that happen.   It can happen in a marriage.  Try it![/quote]

Divorce can change behaviors for the better.  I am about to divorce and STBX is a high-functioning ASPIE.  After making the decision to leave - after years of individual and couples therapy - my anger towards him has dissipated because I have released all expectations of him being a husband to me - basic expectations like empathy, capacity to listen, and a reciprocal physical relationship and I have no shame for not able to "make it work."

The challenges of co-parenting will be there - but now I no longer feel trapped, have my own peaceful space, and can provide my children with an emotional maturity and capacity that is not eroded by trying to deal with him as a husband.

I do not expect to get re-married but of course I will have relationships - platonic and otherwise.  It's a bizarre paradigm that has marriage being the only framework for intimacy, growth and change.
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So your kids will be on their own to deal with him for the rest of their lives? Sounds super fun.[/quote]

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