Husbands with SAHMs that prefer they work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side.

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It was a unilateral decision and is a huge source of resentment. It kind of killed my marriage. I'm not going anywhere right now, but plan on filing for divorce in a few years once my youngest is settled in college.

So I assume this isn't the only reason you want a divorce. Can't you suggest she go back to work or does she not have skills to work. Remember...if you divorce her and she has no skill set you will be paying out the nose for alimony and if children there will be child support. May be cheaper to keep her.

PP already said that he would wait until youngest child is in college. Child support at that point would be minimal, if anything.

Alimony in ththe context that many people think about doesn't exist in that capacity, everywhere.

And why would a spouse want to "keep" someone who only views them as a bank account and it not putting their own value into the marriage and partnership? If it's a mutual agreement, it's different than a unilateral one.

On the other hand, perhaps he's viewing HER as only a bank account (meaning only a source [or lack thereof] of money) and discounting every other way she contributes to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much black and white thinking when the world is various shades of gray. Everyone has different circumstances and thus makes different decisions. I would hope that the vast majority of us figure out what works best with what choices that are available to each of us.

Life isn't about absolutes.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. It was a unilateral decision and is a huge source of resentment. It kind of killed my marriage. I'm not going anywhere right now, but plan on filing for divorce in a few years once my youngest is settled in college.

So I assume this isn't the only reason you want a divorce. Can't you suggest she go back to work or does she not have skills to work. Remember...if you divorce her and she has no skill set you will be paying out the nose for alimony and if children there will be child support. May be cheaper to keep her.

I've tried to encourage this. I've actually made a documented effort to encourage my wife to either retrain or get back into her field. She was refused and made this a line in the sand. Very, very depressed and refuses therapy, treatment, etc. The effect of this has been 17 years of living with a person I just don't completely trust. I enjoy her company. We have a friendly, civil relationship, but there is a wall there that prevents me from ever, ever trusting her.

Waiting out the divorce was a parenting decision. I didn't want to leave my kids with a depressed shell person. I fully expect to pay alimony for a period of time and imagine handing over the house and half of my retirement should be enough to end this without financial pain.

Sorry, you don't trust her because she is depressed?? That's classy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Wow you are a total douche bag. You are your wife are made for each other I am sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I had the total flip-flop. We always discussed me staying home with the kids when they were young and he always said yes then as things went along it became no. And we don't even have kids.
He's so cheap I cannot imagine having to rely on him to live. I would have nothing to eat and nothing to wear. He ONLY takes care of himself.

[Anonymous]

I try not to be too judge-y about my SAHM friends, but it can be tough sometimes. Some of them work extremely hard--healthy, nutritious meals, everything from scratch, lots of work with their kids academically and socially etc.--but others barely lift a finger to do anything. It's hard to see much value in lounging around the house, shopping, and directing housekeepers and landscapers. But if she's happy and DH is fine with it, then whatever works for them I guess.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

[/quote]

Because the 0-5 years last a short while, while [b]earning potential lost is often gone forever. [/b][/quote]



A. You don't need to resent this on behalf of someone else.
B. Some of us don't GAF about lost earning potential. I don't need more money! I already have more than I need.[/quote]

+1. I have millions of dollars but only 3 children and only who knows how many years on this earth. Don't fret about my priorities as I'm really happy with our life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I had the total flip-flop. We always discussed me staying home with the kids when they were young and he always said yes then as things went along it became no. And we don't even have kids.
He's so cheap I cannot imagine having to rely on him to live. I would have nothing to eat and nothing to wear. He ONLY takes care of himself.

Why stay married to him then? What's emerging from all these comments is that couples define partnership in different ways. But if you feel no partnership, and there are no kids, why stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Under no circumstances would any woman allow a man to not work for 5+ years without small or special needs kids to deal with. If the roles were reverses most of you would utterly without pity.

And under no circumstances do men give birth and care for babies.

+1 million. It's your body that gets ruined, not theirs. It's a shame how we have grown to devalue women for anything but a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side.

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.

No- not a deserved response. It's a response that clearly identifies the posters deep insecurity with their own life choices.

It's a tacky, classless thing to say, especially from someone claiming to be so happy with their own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side.

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.

No- not a deserved response. It's a response that clearly identifies the posters deep insecurity with their own life choices.

It's a tacky, classless thing to say, especially from someone claiming to be so happy with their own life.

Hardly. He'd definitely have come back with "sorry you're so poor you have to outsource childcare." Total racist douchebag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH did not strike me as a traditional man, but he never touched my earnings. My money was my money, and his money was our money. As a result, I saved every penny I earned, retired at 40, stayed at home with my kids, and had household help.

We are not living the high life but we are certainly living a very good life. We are on track for retirement and college. My husband treats me like a queen, and helps out with household chores when he can. I am surprised to hear husbands resenting their wives, because my husband is actually grateful that I left my job and stayed home with the kids.

I wish I could find someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side.

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.

Why is that a deserved response to the two-income comment? (That was my comment, by the way.) I'm just saying that if you need to have all parents work to stay afloat, that needs to be respected. If both parents just want to work rather than having one stay home with kids, just be honest about the realities of the child care situation.

As for elitist and myopic, again, how so? Daycares -- and we have occasionally sent our kids to relatively very good ones -- are at best just entertaining the kids and keeping them from hurting themselves. There are too many kids for real, individualized attention, and frankly, the "teachers" rarely seem very smart or thoughtful. Certainly not as smart or thoughtful as my wife, and certainly do not love my kids as much or care as much about their development as people. Again, I'm sure it is fine, but it is clearly a step down. Let's just be honest about this. I think a lot of the working moms here feel guilty and lash out at any suggestion that the kids are receiving subpar care.

The whole thread is about resentment though. And the point is, why resent someone who is willing to stay home with kids and take care of the household?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is how I look at my situation:

My wife stays at home -- we've got three young kids (the oldest just started school). And man, it is GREAT, and I'm thankful she's willing to do it. I couldn't. It is constant attention to schedules and activities and the hearts and minds of the little ones. She cooks healthy food, keeps the house reasonably clean, does the laundry, pays the bills, and keeps up the social connections.

I'm thankful that the raising of the kids is not in the hands of some minimum wage preschool workers or uneducated nanny. I'm thankful she is constantly teaching the kids about the world, about morals, about important concepts that will make them more successful and happy teens and adults. I'm thankful that because she does all she does during the day, we have time to connect as a couple when I'm home from work. We have a great marriage and a peaceful, happy, intellectual family. When I hear and read about the hustle of two working parents, it sounds soul crushing. Why would any resent that?

Ahhh ... the irony.

How is that ironic? Do you think it is immoral that I'd rather have my children spend their formative years being cared for by someone who loves them deeply, is extremely well educated and intelligent, and thoughtful? If you need two working parents to get by, then so be it. But if you think that your children get care as good from their preschool or the nanny you found from some website or listserv, that either speaks to your delusion or the lack of better options at home.

Immoral? Nah, just elitist and myopic. It's not about money – I guarantee I could buy and sell you. It is the idea that someone who is not been afforded the same educational and life opportunities as you and your wife - and gasp! May be a different race – is somehow ill-equipped to teach morals and worldly behavior. Unless the worldview you want to promote is "don't let those poor brown hands touch my kid!"

Someone calling someone elitist while simultaneously saying "I could buy and sell you". If you represent working women I'm glad to be on the intelligent other side.

Deserved response to "if you need two incomes to get by, so be it."

What a loser.

No- not a deserved response. It's a response that clearly identifies the posters deep insecurity with their own life choices.

It's a tacky, classless thing to say, especially from someone claiming to be so happy with their own life.

Hardly. He'd definitely have come back with "sorry you're so poor you have to outsource childcare." Total racist douchebag.

I'm the previous poster you are referring to -- I think you are projecting with the racism. The preschools my kids have gone to have had largely white teachers, as far as I remember. They were fine people, but I'd much prefer my wife take care of my kids. If you feel that these preschool teachers do as good a job as either parent in your house would, I think you are delusional or are aware that you'd do a bad job raising your kids. Either way, race has nothing to do with it.