Can’t get husband to help with Easter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

You say that, but I think you know the reality is that most men do not in fact care about anything. There would be no traditions for any holiday, no celebrating achievements, no thoughtful surprises, and probably no actual athletic or music extracurriculars because men simply cannot be bothered to give AF about their kids’ emotional development.

We're not talking about your marriage. If OP wants to come back and list all the other ways her husband sucks that's a different story. But we're here to talk about why he rejects bunnies and sugar for a holiday he doesn't celebrate.

You and I both know that if OP’s DH wasn’t like this all the time in every aspect, she wouldn’t be annoyed or posting here about this one instance. It would be fine.

That’s how men gaslight you into thinking what you do for your family is meaningless. They pick one or two things and paint them in a light to make it seem like you’re a silly little woman who cares about silly little things when the larger picture reveals a man completely disinterested in ever doing anything for his family that doesn’t benefit him. Sure he’ll take a kid to a sports game or something, but he won’t do anything else. He will not learn enough about his kids to engage in things that benefit only them. Men are raised this way so some of it can be forgiven but by the time you reach midlife it’s time to unpack this toxic crap.

The only gaslighting is by you. OP is a big girl, let her come back and plead her case and describe in greater detail her failure of a marriage. Why are you doing it for her?

Lol sick burn. I know you are but what am I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds depressed.

Or annoyed, or that he couldn't be bothered.

And he's right, BTW. SHE has decided there needs to be a to-do. For a holiday in a faith they don't even seem to practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weaponized incompetence at its finest.

This is it and it is so, so annoying. My DH is pretty good but it took years of me saying that this is what we are doing and then delegating certain things. And he knows if he doesn't, I'll do it my way at the price point I want and he gets no say.

But, I truly do not understand why men do this. I get it may not be their thing or they "don't understand" why it's necessary. But we all do things that fall into this category. And if it make the family happy by spending a few minutes doing this stuff, why wouldn't you do it? I know my anal-retentive DH likes the dishwasher filled a certain way (which I don't care about or understand) but i do it.

It really isn't that hard, guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is the answer here. Marry someone who cares about the stuff you care about.

😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

They call it a gray divorce. Have at it if it makes you happier.

I honestly don’t understand why you would get married in the first place if you just want to do your own thing.

Because we have our things and it all makes the household run. Your way of insisting every small task is a joint activity seems to make women quite angry and resentful.

You're talking to multiple people but I'm one of the PPs and I never said that every small task is a joint activity. You sound like a man whose wife posts on DCUM about how much you suck. Either that or you're single and/or childless and you have no idea what you're talking about.

No, I'm talking to you, as one of the PPs. And you also don't realize several people think you, OP, and your few friends in here are ridiculous.

Well luckily I couldn't care less what some random people on DCUM think. I have a great marriage and I don't have the problem OP is describing. Hope you had a happy Easter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

You say that, but I think you know the reality is that most men do not in fact care about anything. There would be no traditions for any holiday, no celebrating achievements, no thoughtful surprises, and probably no actual athletic or music extracurriculars because men simply cannot be bothered to give AF about their kids’ emotional development.

We're not talking about your marriage. If OP wants to come back and list all the other ways her husband sucks that's a different story. But we're here to talk about why he rejects bunnies and sugar for a holiday he doesn't celebrate.

You and I both know that if OP’s DH wasn’t like this all the time in every aspect, she wouldn’t be annoyed or posting here about this one instance. It would be fine.

That’s how men gaslight you into thinking what you do for your family is meaningless. They pick one or two things and paint them in a light to make it seem like you’re a silly little woman who cares about silly little things when the larger picture reveals a man completely disinterested in ever doing anything for his family that doesn’t benefit him. Sure he’ll take a kid to a sports game or something, but he won’t do anything else. He will not learn enough about his kids to engage in things that benefit only them. Men are raised this way so some of it can be forgiven but by the time you reach midlife it’s time to unpack this toxic crap.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weaponized incompetence at its finest.

This is it and it is so, so annoying. My DH is pretty good but it took years of me saying that this is what we are doing and then delegating certain things. And he knows if he doesn't, I'll do it my way at the price point I want and he gets no say.

But, I truly do not understand why men do this. I get it may not be their thing or they "don't understand" why it's necessary. But we all do things that fall into this category. And if it make the family happy by spending a few minutes doing this stuff, why wouldn't you do it? I know my anal-retentive DH likes the dishwasher filled a certain way (which I don't care about or understand) but i do it.

It really isn't that hard, guys.

It also "really isn't that hard" to comprehend that a man who is not a practicing Christian sees no need to fake-participate in a Christian holiday.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar order from my wife so I picked up a few prepared Easter baskets from Costco. Glad I won't be getting divorced over this silly holiday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weaponized incompetence at its finest.

This is it and it is so, so annoying. My DH is pretty good but it took years of me saying that this is what we are doing and then delegating certain things. And he knows if he doesn't, I'll do it my way at the price point I want and he gets no say.

But, I truly do not understand why men do this. I get it may not be their thing or they "don't understand" why it's necessary. But we all do things that fall into this category. And if it make the family happy by spending a few minutes doing this stuff, why wouldn't you do it? I know my anal-retentive DH likes the dishwasher filled a certain way (which I don't care about or understand) but i do it.

It really isn't that hard, guys.

It also "really isn't that hard" to comprehend that a man who is not a practicing Christian sees no need to fake-participate in a Christian holiday.

Again. Doesn’t matter. You’re a unit and don’t get to carve things out just because you don’t see the need.

Also Easter bunny is not religious. It’s candy for his children. Finally, he knew Easter would be celebrated if the wife celebrates it. And unless he waited until the night b4, he had enough warning.

You’re just making excuses for her DC being a clueless and a whiner instead of just doing one small task. How often do women get told on her to just “tell them she you want something.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar order from my wife so I picked up a few prepared Easter baskets from Costco. Glad I won't be getting divorced over this silly holiday!

A lot of wives wouldn't like that -- just saying. That's the problem. If you delegate, you can't really get mad on something like this, which is subjective. It's not like preparing taxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

It's "work" to buy Easter candy that kids like? Are you for real? Literally, it takes a swing by the grocery store after work. There are aisles of easter goods and candy. Done. She's not asking him to homestead a western territory here.

And yes, sometimes I expect my DH to do things that he "doesn't care about" just like I do. It's called compromise and marriage.

Some of you people are unbelievable.

So do it yourself if it's so easy. He said he didn't believe in bunnies and crap. The compromise is you do this yourself because it goes against his beliefs. Is it only compromise when you get your way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar order from my wife so I picked up a few prepared Easter baskets from Costco. Glad I won't be getting divorced over this silly holiday!

Ugh a generic basket not personalized for a kids specific interests? You know that would not fly with some of the women here. Much like chocolate with almonds is incorrect and another candy was preferred. I thought only grandparents buy those baskets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weaponized incompetence at its finest.

This is it and it is so, so annoying. My DH is pretty good but it took years of me saying that this is what we are doing and then delegating certain things. And he knows if he doesn't, I'll do it my way at the price point I want and he gets no say.

But, I truly do not understand why men do this. I get it may not be their thing or they "don't understand" why it's necessary. But we all do things that fall into this category. And if it make the family happy by spending a few minutes doing this stuff, why wouldn't you do it? I know my anal-retentive DH likes the dishwasher filled a certain way (which I don't care about or understand) but i do it.

It really isn't that hard, guys.

It also "really isn't that hard" to comprehend that a man who is not a practicing Christian sees no need to fake-participate in a Christian holiday.

Again. Doesn’t matter. You’re a unit and don’t get to carve things out just because you don’t see the need.

Also Easter bunny is not religious. It’s candy for his children. Finally, he knew Easter would be celebrated if the wife celebrates it. And unless he waited until the night b4, he had enough warning.

You’re just making excuses for her DC being a clueless and a whiner instead of just doing one small task. How often do women get told on her to just “tell them she you want something.”

They aren't religious. Did she suddenly want to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus without discussion? What have then done the last 14 years?

[Anonymous]

If you have a particular thing you want done, do it yourself. This is a crazy thing to get angry with your husband about.