How to respond when kid gets into school and is Legacy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are we protecting here? Sounds like it’s the kid who thought they had a competitive application but didn’t get admitted to an elite school. So, OP’s kid has to console them by suggesting that legacy tipped the scales for him? Wouldn’t that make the fragile kids even more resentful? I guess it’s a cope to “blame”the legacy parents. So stupid.

This. If they’re friends, call them on their BS. A friend would be happy for you and even if they made a snide remark because of jealousy, they would know it if you called them on it. Don’t apologize for success to this passive aggressive nonsense.

Since when is being aware of reality passive aggressive? It is not passive aggressive to recognize the reality of legacy preferences. It is simply fact.

Honestly I sometimes think legacy preference should go away only because the people who want it are so insufferable. You cannot demand that everyone pretend legacies don’t have an enormous advantage in admissions when there is so much hard data showing just how much advantage they get. You people sound like you would demand everyone in the world pretend the sky isn’t blue if understanding the sky is in fact blue would hurt your child’s feelings.

Is it necessary to qualify it to a friends face. Assuming it’s factually the only reason, what’s the purpose of “you only got in cause your parents went there?”

Facing reality? Why is acknowledging reality so offensive to you?

[Anonymous]

I am enjoying the posters who attack people for not attending schools that give legacy preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t he be gracious and say something to acknowledge that legacy may have helped? He can shrug and say, “Yeah, I’m sure it helped, even if it’s not enough by itself without the other stuff like grades, etc.”

Congrats to your son, and please realize it’s spur grapes from students who aren’t lucky enough to have a non-merit-based small thumb on the scale. The system isn’t fair and that is what it is. Your son can be kind in this scenario and not take it personally.

Why should he be gracious here? They haven’t done anything that deserves grace.

I’d tell my kid to tell them to F off. That’s the response that comment deserves. Preferably while wearing the sweatshirt of the college that rejected them.

Do you always teach your kid to lie?

How is telling them to F off a lie?

Fine I would tell them to say “yes I got in because my parents were legacies. If your parents weren’t stupid they could have attended the school too and then you would have been a legacy. Sucks for you.”

You want these kids to wear a hairshirt because they had a legacy tip. You telling your kid to wear one because you’re well off?

Your defensiveness is telling. Frankly there is simply too much data out about how much preference legacies get. You can’t lie to the world any more, and you are angry about that. But you refuse to tell your child the truth about his significant admissions preference, and so prefer to teach him to go though life deeply entitled.

Defensiveness? Are you literate? I literally wrote they should say “yes I got in because my parents were legacies”

In fact I would tell them to apply because they have a better shot because they’re legacy even if it isn’t their first choice. And then after they get in I tell them to apply wherever else they want to go instead. I’m sorry you don’t have anything similar to offer your kid. Maybe you should have been more of a striver in high school. Sometimes the consequences of your laziness don’t appear for years I guess.

In any event, I think you’re misreading it because you refuse to believe that some people are perfectly comfortable owing their situation and don’t feel any shame in it. It’s really a simple calculation - their chance of getting in at my alma mater is 5-6x better than elsewhere so it’s an easy call.

I’m not going to feel the need to tell my kids to spare some kid’s feelings who is being a jerk no matter how much you want our kids to beat themselves up over it.

Man, you are a remarkably bad parent. No wonder legacy kids have such bad reputations. It’s eye-opening to see the raw unvarnished thoughts of the legacy parents. The entitlement is unreal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t he be gracious and say something to acknowledge that legacy may have helped? He can shrug and say, “Yeah, I’m sure it helped, even if it’s not enough by itself without the other stuff like grades, etc.”

Congrats to your son, and please realize it’s spur grapes from students who aren’t lucky enough to have a non-merit-based small thumb on the scale. The system isn’t fair and that is what it is. Your son can be kind in this scenario and not take it personally.

Why should he be gracious here? They haven’t done anything that deserves grace.

I’d tell my kid to tell them to F off. That’s the response that comment deserves. Preferably while wearing the sweatshirt of the college that rejected them.

Do you always teach your kid to lie?

How is telling them to F off a lie?

Fine I would tell them to say “yes I got in because my parents were legacies. If your parents weren’t stupid they could have attended the school too and then you would have been a legacy. Sucks for you.”

You want these kids to wear a hairshirt because they had a legacy tip. You telling your kid to wear one because you’re well off?

Your defensiveness is telling. Frankly there is simply too much data out about how much preference legacies get. You can’t lie to the world any more, and you are angry about that. But you refuse to tell your child the truth about his significant admissions preference, and so prefer to teach him to go though life deeply entitled.

Defensiveness? Are you literate? I literally wrote they should say “yes I got in because my parents were legacies”

In fact I would tell them to apply because they have a better shot because they’re legacy even if it isn’t their first choice. And then after they get in I tell them to apply wherever else they want to go instead. I’m sorry you don’t have anything similar to offer your kid. Maybe you should have been more of a striver in high school. Sometimes the consequences of your laziness don’t appear for years I guess.

In any event, I think you’re misreading it because you refuse to believe that some people are perfectly comfortable owing their situation and don’t feel any shame in it. It’s really a simple calculation - their chance of getting in at my alma mater is 5-6x better than elsewhere so it’s an easy call.

I’m not going to feel the need to tell my kids to spare some kid’s feelings who is being a jerk no matter how much you want our kids to beat themselves up over it.

Man, you are a remarkably bad parent. No wonder legacy kids have such bad reputations. It’s eye-opening to see the raw unvarnished thoughts of the legacy parents. The entitlement is unreal.

Entitlement is not the same thing as knowing how to play the game. I'm the legacy parent who laid out the rules and if my kid hadn't gotten in, we certainly wouldn't have called to complain. He had plenty of back-up options - this is just about understanding the odds. He just did what every other legacy kid who liked his parent's alma mater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t he be gracious and say something to acknowledge that legacy may have helped? He can shrug and say, “Yeah, I’m sure it helped, even if it’s not enough by itself without the other stuff like grades, etc.”

Congrats to your son, and please realize it’s spur grapes from students who aren’t lucky enough to have a non-merit-based small thumb on the scale. The system isn’t fair and that is what it is. Your son can be kind in this scenario and not take it personally.

Why should he be gracious here? They haven’t done anything that deserves grace.

I’d tell my kid to tell them to F off. That’s the response that comment deserves. Preferably while wearing the sweatshirt of the college that rejected them.

Do you always teach your kid to lie?

How is telling them to F off a lie?

Fine I would tell them to say “yes I got in because my parents were legacies. If your parents weren’t stupid they could have attended the school too and then you would have been a legacy. Sucks for you.”

You want these kids to wear a hairshirt because they had a legacy tip. You telling your kid to wear one because you’re well off?

Your defensiveness is telling. Frankly there is simply too much data out about how much preference legacies get. You can’t lie to the world any more, and you are angry about that. But you refuse to tell your child the truth about his significant admissions preference, and so prefer to teach him to go though life deeply entitled.

Defensiveness? Are you literate? I literally wrote they should say “yes I got in because my parents were legacies”

In fact I would tell them to apply because they have a better shot because they’re legacy even if it isn’t their first choice. And then after they get in I tell them to apply wherever else they want to go instead. I’m sorry you don’t have anything similar to offer your kid. Maybe you should have been more of a striver in high school. Sometimes the consequences of your laziness don’t appear for years I guess.

In any event, I think you’re misreading it because you refuse to believe that some people are perfectly comfortable owing their situation and don’t feel any shame in it. It’s really a simple calculation - their chance of getting in at my alma mater is 5-6x better than elsewhere so it’s an easy call.

I’m not going to feel the need to tell my kids to spare some kid’s feelings who is being a jerk no matter how much you want our kids to beat themselves up over it.

DP. Why is the other kid being a jerk for stating the obvious—which you acknowledge? You admit that your kid got in because he’s a legacy (which you also seem to attribute to all of the hard work you put in during your high school years). But the other kid is a jerk for saying exactly the same thing out loud? If you truly owned your privilege, there would be no need to attack others as you’re been doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the world of insanely competitive admissions, it is only rational to choose to apply where one's parents attended if a kid wants to go to a really selective school and is otherwise qualified and loves the school. Our kid was just accepted ED at my alma mater (Williams/Amherst/Swarthmore) and is not an athlete but otherwise had the grades, scores, great EC's, etc. - but yes, these schools are near impossible admits. Why wouldn't they have chosen to apply to the one I attended for the legacy boost? We are ignoring the few smarmy legacy comments because who cares.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea and agree it’s rational. But people shouldn’t pretend that it doesn’t grant a huge advantage, either.

Sure - if you dig deep, it's about twice the advantage. So from 8 to 16% at a Williams or Swat for example, and more if you apply ED.

So innumerate.

Twice a very small number is still a very small number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the world of insanely competitive admissions, it is only rational to choose to apply where one's parents attended if a kid wants to go to a really selective school and is otherwise qualified and loves the school. Our kid was just accepted ED at my alma mater (Williams/Amherst/Swarthmore) and is not an athlete but otherwise had the grades, scores, great EC's, etc. - but yes, these schools are near impossible admits. Why wouldn't they have chosen to apply to the one I attended for the legacy boost? We are ignoring the few smarmy legacy comments because who cares.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea and agree it’s rational. But people shouldn’t pretend that it doesn’t grant a huge advantage, either.

Can you read? The poster literally wrote “ Why wouldn't they have chosen to apply to the one I attended for the legacy boost?” You think they’d say that if they didn’t know it granted an advantage?

I am not the PP, but I think what that person is saying is that the legacy parents on this thread might acknowledge there is an advantage privately (and in fact push their kids to use that advantage) but are simultaneously demanding that everyone in the world pretend to their children’s faces that they got in with a level playing field, when of course nothing could be further from the truth.

This thread is full of legacy parents who don’t want their children to hear from anyone ever that legacy gave them a significant boost in admissions. They demand that their children’s peers and others hide the truth and pretend that legacy isn’t a huge advantage. It’s extremely entitled behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son got into a top school EA. It was the school where dh and I attended. He is a top student in all respects, hard worker, great stats/rigor, leadership, community service, etc. And none of this was pushed/curated by us, he really drove it all (including applications), and we are really proud of him.

A couple of kids from school who got rejected said “oh but your parents went there” like that’s the only reason he got in. I know it helps that we did, of course, but his stats match the student population, it’s not like he was pulled up despite bad grades/scores. We aren’t big benefactors either, it’s not like the school would see big donations in our history.

So how to respond if someone says that?

With curiosity and ask “what do you mean?”. Let them clarify. And if they are so as bold to say that’s the only reason just say it’s not the experience that every legacy who applies gets in automatically but if they’ve seen otherwise they would like to see it.

Someone that is in their feels to the extent they would be insulting to your face doesn't really need to be coddled. There are lots of different advantages a student can have at the end of the day, a competitive college won’t admit someone they don’t think can handle the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t he be gracious and say something to acknowledge that legacy may have helped? He can shrug and say, “Yeah, I’m sure it helped, even if it’s not enough by itself without the other stuff like grades, etc.”

Congrats to your son, and please realize it’s spur grapes from students who aren’t lucky enough to have a non-merit-based small thumb on the scale. The system isn’t fair and that is what it is. Your son can be kind in this scenario and not take it personally.

Why should he be gracious here? They haven’t done anything that deserves grace.

I’d tell my kid to tell them to F off. That’s the response that comment deserves. Preferably while wearing the sweatshirt of the college that rejected them.

Do you always teach your kid to lie?

How is telling them to F off a lie?

Fine I would tell them to say “yes I got in because my parents were legacies. If your parents weren’t stupid they could have attended the school too and then you would have been a legacy. Sucks for you.”

You want these kids to wear a hairshirt because they had a legacy tip. You telling your kid to wear one because you’re well off?

Your defensiveness is telling. Frankly there is simply too much data out about how much preference legacies get. You can’t lie to the world any more, and you are angry about that. But you refuse to tell your child the truth about his significant admissions preference, and so prefer to teach him to go though life deeply entitled.

Defensiveness? Are you literate? I literally wrote they should say “yes I got in because my parents were legacies”

In fact I would tell them to apply because they have a better shot because they’re legacy even if it isn’t their first choice. And then after they get in I tell them to apply wherever else they want to go instead. I’m sorry you don’t have anything similar to offer your kid. Maybe you should have been more of a striver in high school. Sometimes the consequences of your laziness don’t appear for years I guess.

In any event, I think you’re misreading it because you refuse to believe that some people are perfectly comfortable owing their situation and don’t feel any shame in it. It’s really a simple calculation - their chance of getting in at my alma mater is 5-6x better than elsewhere so it’s an easy call.

I’m not going to feel the need to tell my kids to spare some kid’s feelings who is being a jerk no matter how much you want our kids to beat themselves up over it.

Man, you are a remarkably bad parent. No wonder legacy kids have such bad reputations. It’s eye-opening to see the raw unvarnished thoughts of the legacy parents. The entitlement is unreal.

Entitlement is not the same thing as knowing how to play the game. I'm the legacy parent who laid out the rules and if my kid hadn't gotten in, we certainly wouldn't have called to complain. He had plenty of back-up options - this is just about understanding the odds. He just did what every other legacy kid who liked his parent's alma mater.

But you insist that any person who tells your child that they had a much easier time getting into the college because of legacy is a jerk, when of course that person is only stating truth. You demand that nobody speak the truth of legacy admissions to your child. That is pure, raw entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the world of insanely competitive admissions, it is only rational to choose to apply where one's parents attended if a kid wants to go to a really selective school and is otherwise qualified and loves the school. Our kid was just accepted ED at my alma mater (Williams/Amherst/Swarthmore) and is not an athlete but otherwise had the grades, scores, great EC's, etc. - but yes, these schools are near impossible admits. Why wouldn't they have chosen to apply to the one I attended for the legacy boost? We are ignoring the few smarmy legacy comments because who cares.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea and agree it’s rational. But people shouldn’t pretend that it doesn’t grant a huge advantage, either.

Can you read? The poster literally wrote “ Why wouldn't they have chosen to apply to the one I attended for the legacy boost?” You think they’d say that if they didn’t know it granted an advantage?

I am not the PP, but I think what that person is saying is that the legacy parents on this thread might acknowledge there is an advantage privately (and in fact push their kids to use that advantage) but are simultaneously demanding that everyone in the world pretend to their children’s faces that they got in with a level playing field, when of course nothing could be further from the truth.

This thread is full of legacy parents who don’t want their children to hear from anyone ever that legacy gave them a significant boost in admissions. They demand that their children’s peers and others hide the truth and pretend that legacy isn’t a huge advantage. It’s extremely entitled behavior.

Spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the world of insanely competitive admissions, it is only rational to choose to apply where one's parents attended if a kid wants to go to a really selective school and is otherwise qualified and loves the school. Our kid was just accepted ED at my alma mater (Williams/Amherst/Swarthmore) and is not an athlete but otherwise had the grades, scores, great EC's, etc. - but yes, these schools are near impossible admits. Why wouldn't they have chosen to apply to the one I attended for the legacy boost? We are ignoring the few smarmy legacy comments because who cares.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea and agree it’s rational. But people shouldn’t pretend that it doesn’t grant a huge advantage, either.

Sure - if you dig deep, it's about twice the advantage. So from 8 to 16% at a Williams or Swat for example, and more if you apply ED.

So innumerate.

Twice a very small number is still a very small number.

Willfully blind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are we protecting here? Sounds like it’s the kid who thought they had a competitive application but didn’t get admitted to an elite school. So, OP’s kid has to console them by suggesting that legacy tipped the scales for him? Wouldn’t that make the fragile kids even more resentful? I guess it’s a cope to “blame”the legacy parents. So stupid.

This. If they’re friends, call them on their BS. A friend would be happy for you and even if they made a snide remark because of jealousy, they would know it if you called them on it. Don’t apologize for success to this passive aggressive nonsense.

Since when is being aware of reality passive aggressive? It is not passive aggressive to recognize the reality of legacy preferences. It is simply fact.

Honestly I sometimes think legacy preference should go away only because the people who want it are so insufferable. You cannot demand that everyone pretend legacies don’t have an enormous advantage in admissions when there is so much hard data showing just how much advantage they get. You people sound like you would demand everyone in the world pretend the sky isn’t blue if understanding the sky is in fact blue would hurt your child’s feelings.

Is it necessary to qualify it to a friends face. Assuming it’s factually the only reason, what’s the purpose of “you only got in cause your parents went there?”

Facing reality? Why is acknowledging reality so offensive to you?

So then would it be appropriate to say back that yeah “it’s a bummer your parents weren’t couldn’t help you.”

The reality is that a friend made a smug remark that many would construe as downplaying everything else the kid did to get there. It’s a moment thing, and if I felt a friend was making a dig, I’d call them on it because in reality, the intent was to hurt feelings or self soothe their own insecurity. Just comes off as a sore loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the world of insanely competitive admissions, it is only rational to choose to apply where one's parents attended if a kid wants to go to a really selective school and is otherwise qualified and loves the school. Our kid was just accepted ED at my alma mater (Williams/Amherst/Swarthmore) and is not an athlete but otherwise had the grades, scores, great EC's, etc. - but yes, these schools are near impossible admits. Why wouldn't they have chosen to apply to the one I attended for the legacy boost? We are ignoring the few smarmy legacy comments because who cares.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea and agree it’s rational. But people shouldn’t pretend that it doesn’t grant a huge advantage, either.

Sure - if you dig deep, it's about twice the advantage. So from 8 to 16% at a Williams or Swat for example, and more if you apply ED.

So innumerate.

Twice a very small number is still a very small number.

Willfully blind.

No, just better at math.

84% still don’t get in.

[Anonymous]

Lol it’s funny that post after post has parents talking about the legacy edge, then a legacy kid gets in and the parents insist it didn’t help.

Yea right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son got into a top school EA. It was the school where dh and I attended. He is a top student in all respects, hard worker, great stats/rigor, leadership, community service, etc. And none of this was pushed/curated by us, he really drove it all (including applications), and we are really proud of him.

A couple of kids from school who got rejected said “oh but your parents went there” like that’s the only reason he got in. I know it helps that we did, of course, but his stats match the student population, it’s not like he was pulled up despite bad grades/scores. We aren’t big benefactors either, it’s not like the school would see big donations in our history.

So how to respond if someone says that?

With curiosity and ask “what do you mean?”. Let them clarify. And if they are so as bold to say that’s the only reason just say it’s not the experience that every legacy who applies gets in automatically but if they’ve seen otherwise they would like to see it.

Someone that is in their feels to the extent they would be insulting to your face doesn't really need to be coddled. There are lots of different advantages a student can have at the end of the day, a competitive college won’t admit someone they don’t think can handle the work.

So passive aggressive? You know what was meant and you know that the answer is, YES, we are grateful we had an advantage in the admissions system. It is the same thing as:

"I am going to Yale."

"Oh? Are you playing football there, too?"

"Yes!"

Everyone who is a party to that conversation AND who knows the kid is playing football there knows this kid got in bc of the sport. Are you upset that it is widely known or upset someone dares to say it to the kid's face? Because everyone is thinking it whether it is said or not. Doesn't mean the kid is inferior, just means the kid is going b/c he's hooked, just like someone from North Dakota or a rural area, a famous family, a legacy, in ROTC, etc.

It is far more impressive when unhooked kids are admitted to highly selective schools.