Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

Yes but where women lose out is that we care about our children. Most women won’t accept our kids not receiving gifts on Christmas or not having wrapped presents. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of our children.

Kids don't care about elaborate dinners. Buy cheap decor and lighting from Amazon, buy matching PJ'S from Amazon and make them pancakes and smores. Viola!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women in your life who love you warned you, gave you the truth.

Are you in a non-consensual or arranged marriage?

OP has done pretty well in her choice of DH compared to a lot of women. I bet many women who love her cannot even get their DHs to do what hers does.

Because the standard for men is that low.

The year that I literally made a list of holiday tasks and asked my husband which half of them he was going to take on. "How do you see your role in this holiday?" I asked, and he said he saw himself eating Christmas dinner. That was his role. Can you even ^&&*(( imagine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

Yes but where women lose out is that we care about our children. Most women won’t accept our kids not receiving gifts on Christmas or not having wrapped presents. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of our children.

I get this, but my kids were chuffed as nuts the year I decided all their presents go in one, giant bag. And when we cut back on the number of presents to save money, they didn't complain or even seem to notice much. There's a difference between putting in the extra work to take care of our kids and sacrificing our sanity to do it some sort of way without questioning whether or not that way actually works.

Christmas isn't about a tree, or a meal, or presents. Make it work for you, however that looks, and let go of the expectations.

This. I wrap my kids’ Christmas and birthday presents in clean pillowcases. Tie a ribbon to close it up, pop on the same name tags we’ve used for years, and I’m done with it. Takes less than five minutes to “wrap” everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have long been over these holiday "traditions" that mostly depend on women to plan, execute, and maintain. If he's not going to take the initiative, figure out some parts of your mental load to offload forever.

+1.

I LOVE HOLIDAY TRADATION!!!

Decorations. Inside, outside. Festive foods, scents, activities. Outings to see lights and hear carols. All of it.

DH really does not care, so left to him, it would falter.

I care, so I shoulder the burden.

To each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

Yes but where women lose out is that we care about our children. Most women won’t accept our kids not receiving gifts on Christmas or not having wrapped presents. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of our children.

I get this, but my kids were chuffed as nuts the year I decided all their presents go in one, giant bag. And when we cut back on the number of presents to save money, they didn't complain or even seem to notice much. There's a difference between putting in the extra work to take care of our kids and sacrificing our sanity to do it some sort of way without questioning whether or not that way actually works.

Christmas isn't about a tree, or a meal, or presents. Make it work for you, however that looks, and let go of the expectations.

This. I wrap my kids’ Christmas and birthday presents in clean pillowcases. Tie a ribbon to close it up, pop on the same name tags we’ve used for years, and I’m done with it. Takes less than five minutes to “wrap” everything.

Funny. You likely take more than 5 min. to get yourself fancy coffees. Or go to yoga. Lovely, mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I have a friend currently going through what OP is describing and I find this statement you made really interesting. I'm at a loss as to how to help her because my husband is an equal partner so while I hear what she is telling me, I am struggling with understanding it but mostly I am struggling with how to help her (for now I just listen and extend sympathy and I don't think I can solve their problems but I have directed her to books or other resources that people have suggested).

So if you don't mind, would you tell me more about what you said? She works full-time in a demanding medical profession where she is out of the house and on her feet dealing with a lot of trauma at work. On top of that, she handles everything for the two kids because he just won't read the emails from the school about picture day, etc., and her youngest is too little to remember things like that on his own. The mental labor she talks about is being the one to keep track of and do everything, so how can she feel as though her husband isn't taking advantage of the fact that she keeps everything in place?

I’m not that poster, but this is a deeper relationship thing. It really isn’t just about getting him to understand. He understands.

It’s like when you are sitting down to dinner and your mom asks if she can have some ketchup, and you respond by getting up and getting some ketchup. But if your child asks if she can have some ketchup, you respond by saying “yes” and maybe telling them where to get it. They are both asking the same question, and you know that they both want the same thing, for you to get the ketchup, but your mom has more power than you and your child has less power, so the response is different.

Your friend’s husband isn’t an idiot. He knows that Christmas presents need to be purchased and food needs to be prepared. Creating this dynamic where she is responsible for asking him to do it is about establishing power structures. It’s not that he doesn’t understand what’s being asked of him.

I don’t know what the way is to get out of it. I mean, if you are the child in the situation I described and you ask for the ketchup…How do you get your mom to go get the ketchup, at least some of the time?
There is nothing you can do in the moment. You have to change the entire dynamic of the relationship.

Use the example of a woman who does the shopping for presents because she assumes her man won't and she doesn't disappoint the kids. She might be surprised to find he also doesn't want to disappoint the kids, but she's not willing to risk the kids' disappointment. He knows that, he knows she won't let them go without, and so he does nothing, knowing she's got it covered.

Drop it once, and you'll see just how quickly he learns how to shop for presents. Same with cooking dinner, shopping for groceries, etc. If you're doing those things because your spouse isn't reliable, your spouse isn't doing those things because you are. Either learn to get your satisfaction from being reliable/responsible/the one who gets it done, or stop doing it. If your spouse truly can't pick up the slack, well, you can buy presents, make dinner, etc. as a single parent without the dead weight.

I don’t think this is right.
Unless your household is completely dysfunctional or you don’t celebrate Christmas, there is an expectation that there will be presents on Christmas morning and that someone is going to do the whole Santa thing.
The assumption is that she is going to handle it because she is the lesser ranking spouse and therefore has more of the grunt work.
If she doesn’t do it, he isn’t automatically going to pick up the slack. He’s going to be mad. Maybe it’s worth the fight. I don’t know.

But the reason she buys the presents and makes the dinner and gets something for her MIL isn’t just because she cares about her kids having the presents. It’s because she doesn’t want to invite conflict.

It's almost like avoiding confrontations comes at a cost...

You have way bigger problems if not doing all of the mental load causes extreme conflict that scares you. In that case: divorce.

Really?
I’m not the person who said that my husband would scream at me, but I did say there would be conflict.

I posted earlier with an example that if my kid asked me if they could have ketchup at dinner, I would tell them they could and expect them to get it themselves. But if my mom asked for ketchup with dinner, I would get up and get it for her. It’s a power thing. I am above my kid and below my mom.

Now, if my kid just sat there and said, “Why can’t you get the ketchup? You did it for grandma,” there would be conflict. It wouldn’t be screaming, and it might even just be a “look,” but it would be known that my kid needs to get his own ketchup.

This is the kind of conflict I’m talking about. If I don’t want do something, I can ask him to do it, and he can say “yes” or “no.” But if I just drop the ball, it’s generally felt that I f’ed up. And it’s mostly non-verbal.

This idea that if he sees me not making Christmas dinner, he will know that he should make it, is just ridiculous. It won’t get made, and he will be pissed.

But, why is he pissed??? He could have just as easily cooked it and didn’t.So, why does he get to be pissed? And, so what if he’s pissed! He’s an adult who can manage complex emotions.

You can either do things differently and be a bit uncomfortable for a while as the culture & dynamics in your house/relationship evolve or you can stew in your own misery. Your choice

Maybe the fights and the conflict are worth it. Maybe they aren’t.

There is a cost either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

Yes but where women lose out is that we care about our children. Most women won’t accept our kids not receiving gifts on Christmas or not having wrapped presents. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of our children.

Kids don't care about elaborate dinners. Buy cheap decor and lighting from Amazon, buy matching PJ'S from Amazon and make them pancakes and smores. Viola!

I feel like you are missing the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Then men whine about the things that aren’t done.

I gave up the big Christmas dinner and you’d think I’d sent the dog upstate the way my husband whined. (The kids loved having pancakes and cocoa and smores by the fireplace.)

Women can’t win.

So let him whine.

If whining is dictating your behavior, set a boundary for yourself.

Yes but where women lose out is that we care about our children. Most women won’t accept our kids not receiving gifts on Christmas or not having wrapped presents. We sacrifice ourselves to take care of our children.

I get this, but my kids were chuffed as nuts the year I decided all their presents go in one, giant bag. And when we cut back on the number of presents to save money, they didn't complain or even seem to notice much. There's a difference between putting in the extra work to take care of our kids and sacrificing our sanity to do it some sort of way without questioning whether or not that way actually works.

Christmas isn't about a tree, or a meal, or presents. Make it work for you, however that looks, and let go of the expectations.

This. I wrap my kids’ Christmas and birthday presents in clean pillowcases. Tie a ribbon to close it up, pop on the same name tags we’ve used for years, and I’m done with it. Takes less than five minutes to “wrap” everything.

Funny. You likely take more than 5 min. to get yourself fancy coffees. Or go to yoga. Lovely, mom.

So the holiday cheer only counts if women neglect their health to make it happen? That's a pretty insane take!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some defenders on this thread are missing a crucial point when they say “if you’re too mentally stressed to handle it, don’t do it.” It’s not that women are so stressed they just can’t possibly do it. It’s that she’s doing all that - even taking just an hour a day - while her husband gets to relax, watch tv, scroll his phone. We’d love the opportunity to have downtime too!

What's stopping you? Truly. Analyze where you spend your time and energy, and then stop doing the stupid shit that truly doesn't NEED to get done. Choosing to run yourself into the ground isn't grounds for resentment. You did that to yourself. If you're unhappy, STOP. If you want downtime, take downtime. Quit blaming your spouse and kids for your inability to manage your time in a way that doesn't leave your burnt out and bitter.

What’s stopping us is the fear that our kids will be sad. That’s the point of the thread. Men know we love our kids so much, we won’t risk that.

Then you'll resent your husbands, and probably your kids too, eventually. Interesting decision, and it is 100% a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I have a friend currently going through what OP is describing and I find this statement you made really interesting. I'm at a loss as to how to help her because my husband is an equal partner so while I hear what she is telling me, I am struggling with understanding it but mostly I am struggling with how to help her (for now I just listen and extend sympathy and I don't think I can solve their problems but I have directed her to books or other resources that people have suggested).

So if you don't mind, would you tell me more about what you said? She works full-time in a demanding medical profession where she is out of the house and on her feet dealing with a lot of trauma at work. On top of that, she handles everything for the two kids because he just won't read the emails from the school about picture day, etc., and her youngest is too little to remember things like that on his own. The mental labor she talks about is being the one to keep track of and do everything, so how can she feel as though her husband isn't taking advantage of the fact that she keeps everything in place?

I’m not that poster, but this is a deeper relationship thing. It really isn’t just about getting him to understand. He understands.

It’s like when you are sitting down to dinner and your mom asks if she can have some ketchup, and you respond by getting up and getting some ketchup. But if your child asks if she can have some ketchup, you respond by saying “yes” and maybe telling them where to get it. They are both asking the same question, and you know that they both want the same thing, for you to get the ketchup, but your mom has more power than you and your child has less power, so the response is different.

Your friend’s husband isn’t an idiot. He knows that Christmas presents need to be purchased and food needs to be prepared. Creating this dynamic where she is responsible for asking him to do it is about establishing power structures. It’s not that he doesn’t understand what’s being asked of him.

I don’t know what the way is to get out of it. I mean, if you are the child in the situation I described and you ask for the ketchup…How do you get your mom to go get the ketchup, at least some of the time?
There is nothing you can do in the moment. You have to change the entire dynamic of the relationship.

Use the example of a woman who does the shopping for presents because she assumes her man won't and she doesn't disappoint the kids. She might be surprised to find he also doesn't want to disappoint the kids, but she's not willing to risk the kids' disappointment. He knows that, he knows she won't let them go without, and so he does nothing, knowing she's got it covered.

Drop it once, and you'll see just how quickly he learns how to shop for presents. Same with cooking dinner, shopping for groceries, etc. If you're doing those things because your spouse isn't reliable, your spouse isn't doing those things because you are. Either learn to get your satisfaction from being reliable/responsible/the one who gets it done, or stop doing it. If your spouse truly can't pick up the slack, well, you can buy presents, make dinner, etc. as a single parent without the dead weight.

I don’t think this is right.
Unless your household is completely dysfunctional or you don’t celebrate Christmas, there is an expectation that there will be presents on Christmas morning and that someone is going to do the whole Santa thing.
The assumption is that she is going to handle it because she is the lesser ranking spouse and therefore has more of the grunt work.
If she doesn’t do it, he isn’t automatically going to pick up the slack. He’s going to be mad. Maybe it’s worth the fight. I don’t know.

But the reason she buys the presents and makes the dinner and gets something for her MIL isn’t just because she cares about her kids having the presents. It’s because she doesn’t want to invite conflict.

It's almost like avoiding confrontations comes at a cost...

You have way bigger problems if not doing all of the mental load causes extreme conflict that scares you. In that case: divorce.

Really?
I’m not the person who said that my husband would scream at me, but I did say there would be conflict.

I posted earlier with an example that if my kid asked me if they could have ketchup at dinner, I would tell them they could and expect them to get it themselves. But if my mom asked for ketchup with dinner, I would get up and get it for her. It’s a power thing. I am above my kid and below my mom.

Now, if my kid just sat there and said, “Why can’t you get the ketchup? You did it for grandma,” there would be conflict. It wouldn’t be screaming, and it might even just be a “look,” but it would be known that my kid needs to get his own ketchup.

This is the kind of conflict I’m talking about. If I don’t want do something, I can ask him to do it, and he can say “yes” or “no.” But if I just drop the ball, it’s generally felt that I f’ed up. And it’s mostly non-verbal.

This idea that if he sees me not making Christmas dinner, he will know that he should make it, is just ridiculous. It won’t get made, and he will be pissed.

So let him be pissed. You're not responsible for his happiness. You're responsible for your own. Stop making yourself miserable doing a bunch of shit nobody even asked you to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some defenders on this thread are missing a crucial point when they say “if you’re too mentally stressed to handle it, don’t do it.” It’s not that women are so stressed they just can’t possibly do it. It’s that she’s doing all that - even taking just an hour a day - while her husband gets to relax, watch tv, scroll his phone. We’d love the opportunity to have downtime too!

What's stopping you? Truly. Analyze where you spend your time and energy, and then stop doing the stupid shit that truly doesn't NEED to get done. Choosing to run yourself into the ground isn't grounds for resentment. You did that to yourself. If you're unhappy, STOP. If you want downtime, take downtime. Quit blaming your spouse and kids for your inability to manage your time in a way that doesn't leave your burnt out and bitter.

What’s stopping us is the fear that our kids will be sad. That’s the point of the thread. Men know we love our kids so much, we won’t risk that.

DP I was often sad and disappointed as a kid when I didn't get what I though I wanted/deserved. I always got what I needed.

Consider what is necessary for the fulfillment of a holiday given limitations. Avoid weaponizing sad-risk against yourself because you think stockings are a requirement.

+1 Seriously. Kids can be sad, disappointed, etc. It's actually good for them to experience this in childhood, and to learn the difference between reality and fantasy. "Santa" doesn't magically make Christmas happen. Parents do. Gifts cost money and fancy dinners take time and effort. Teach your kids what's real and they'll actually appreciate it instead of growing up entitled and stunted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do whatever you would do if he wasn’t there. But don’t do anything extra that involves him specifically.

What happens if you ask him, “What parts of getting ready for Christmas do you want to handle?”

My kid knows who does all the holiday stuff, fwiw.

The same thing that would happen if my 10 year old asked me which parts of setting the table I wanted to handle.

Sorry you married a child, I guess? Enjoy raising another mother's grown-ass son!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can be free of the resentment whenever you choose to put it down.

I am the superior parent. Without my spouse, the kids would be okay. They have me. Without me, the kids are FOOKED. I win. I take pride in it. I don't sit and stew about how their other parent could never. I pat myself on the back because I can, and I did. If you're better with the mental load, GOOD FOR YOU.

Nobody can take advantage of your mental labor without your consent. You either need to restructure your household or reframe your mentality. The latter is always within your control.

I have a friend currently going through what OP is describing and I find this statement you made really interesting. I'm at a loss as to how to help her because my husband is an equal partner so while I hear what she is telling me, I am struggling with understanding it but mostly I am struggling with how to help her (for now I just listen and extend sympathy and I don't think I can solve their problems but I have directed her to books or other resources that people have suggested).

So if you don't mind, would you tell me more about what you said? She works full-time in a demanding medical profession where she is out of the house and on her feet dealing with a lot of trauma at work. On top of that, she handles everything for the two kids because he just won't read the emails from the school about picture day, etc., and her youngest is too little to remember things like that on his own. The mental labor she talks about is being the one to keep track of and do everything, so how can she feel as though her husband isn't taking advantage of the fact that she keeps everything in place?

I’m not that poster, but this is a deeper relationship thing. It really isn’t just about getting him to understand. He understands.

It’s like when you are sitting down to dinner and your mom asks if she can have some ketchup, and you respond by getting up and getting some ketchup. But if your child asks if she can have some ketchup, you respond by saying “yes” and maybe telling them where to get it. They are both asking the same question, and you know that they both want the same thing, for you to get the ketchup, but your mom has more power than you and your child has less power, so the response is different.

Your friend’s husband isn’t an idiot. He knows that Christmas presents need to be purchased and food needs to be prepared. Creating this dynamic where she is responsible for asking him to do it is about establishing power structures. It’s not that he doesn’t understand what’s being asked of him.

I don’t know what the way is to get out of it. I mean, if you are the child in the situation I described and you ask for the ketchup…How do you get your mom to go get the ketchup, at least some of the time?
There is nothing you can do in the moment. You have to change the entire dynamic of the relationship.

Use the example of a woman who does the shopping for presents because she assumes her man won't and she doesn't disappoint the kids. She might be surprised to find he also doesn't want to disappoint the kids, but she's not willing to risk the kids' disappointment. He knows that, he knows she won't let them go without, and so he does nothing, knowing she's got it covered.

Drop it once, and you'll see just how quickly he learns how to shop for presents. Same with cooking dinner, shopping for groceries, etc. If you're doing those things because your spouse isn't reliable, your spouse isn't doing those things because you are. Either learn to get your satisfaction from being reliable/responsible/the one who gets it done, or stop doing it. If your spouse truly can't pick up the slack, well, you can buy presents, make dinner, etc. as a single parent without the dead weight.

I don’t think this is right.
Unless your household is completely dysfunctional or you don’t celebrate Christmas, there is an expectation that there will be presents on Christmas morning and that someone is going to do the whole Santa thing.
The assumption is that she is going to handle it because she is the lesser ranking spouse and therefore has more of the grunt work.
If she doesn’t do it, he isn’t automatically going to pick up the slack. He’s going to be mad. Maybe it’s worth the fight. I don’t know.

But the reason she buys the presents and makes the dinner and gets something for her MIL isn’t just because she cares about her kids having the presents. It’s because she doesn’t want to invite conflict.

It's almost like avoiding confrontations comes at a cost...

You have way bigger problems if not doing all of the mental load causes extreme conflict that scares you. In that case: divorce.

Really?
I’m not the person who said that my husband would scream at me, but I did say there would be conflict.

I posted earlier with an example that if my kid asked me if they could have ketchup at dinner, I would tell them they could and expect them to get it themselves. But if my mom asked for ketchup with dinner, I would get up and get it for her. It’s a power thing. I am above my kid and below my mom.

Now, if my kid just sat there and said, “Why can’t you get the ketchup? You did it for grandma,” there would be conflict. It wouldn’t be screaming, and it might even just be a “look,” but it would be known that my kid needs to get his own ketchup.

This is the kind of conflict I’m talking about. If I don’t want do something, I can ask him to do it, and he can say “yes” or “no.” But if I just drop the ball, it’s generally felt that I f’ed up. And it’s mostly non-verbal.

This idea that if he sees me not making Christmas dinner, he will know that he should make it, is just ridiculous. It won’t get made, and he will be pissed.

But, why is he pissed??? He could have just as easily cooked it and didn’t.So, why does he get to be pissed? And, so what if he’s pissed! He’s an adult who can manage complex emotions.

You can either do things differently and be a bit uncomfortable for a while as the culture & dynamics in your house/relationship evolve or you can stew in your own misery. Your choice

Precisely. Fix it, or accept that you're unwilling to fix it and stop complaining. You get to choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Different poster and while I agree this is uncommon, in certain circles it can be common. I went to an Ivy League law school and have many close friends from there. Most of us make more than our husbands. I also attend a baptist church in the south where you would think a more traditional model would hold. We are close friends with 5 other couples from church. 4 of the women in the group make substantially more than their husbands.

While it isn’t the case in my marriage, studies show that when the wife is the breadwinner, the woman generally takes on MORE household and mental labor for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have a partner in your husband and it is breaking you, divorce. Seriously.

It's a really good vibe check. Are you willing to do this alone? If so, ditch the not-partner and do it alone. Otherwise, figure out what's so upsetting about it and shift your attitude. Maybe you need to cut back, or maybe you're tired and overreacting. Or maybe you need to ask for help you haven't articulated needing, instead of assuming your partner knows. Do what you can to adjust your circumstances, then adjust your perception and attitude about them.

Surely you recognize that getting a divorce isn't as simple as deciding you are willing to do everything alone or you're not. Trying to manage your own feelings while simultaneously determining what's in the best interests of your children is where it is tough.

It's not that tough, though. People on this thread are making not wrapping presents and skipping decorating a Christmas tree some kind of childhood-ending calamity. "Will my kid survive without this?" usually has a simple answer. If no, you must do the thing. If your kid can live without it, you can question why it's important to you, why it feels meaningful, where those values and beliefs come from, and what you might be able to change. If it feels burdensome to you, you can probably stop.

If you're complaining about the must-do stuff, well, you'd have to do it with or without your spouse, so you might as well just get it done. If you're complaining about nonessential activities, you need to take responsibility for your decisionmaking because you're choosing those things, possibly at the expense of your sanity.

It's really not that deep.