Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

Not hosting isn’t confrontational. It’s literally nothing. MIL can offer to host them and show them how it’s done, or else she can figure out Christmas di. We herself.

LOL. Do you have friends and relatives who want to hang out with you?

It is a sign of high EQ and IQ, if you can keep interactions pleasant and de-escalate temper tantrums. Being unnecessarily confrontational is as bad as being a self-suffering doormat. If you do not have the skill and poise to keep things pleasant and humming along - you may well be the problem.

You keep insinuating that anyone with boundaries has no friends. I can't speak for everyone else, but it's quite the opposite here. And we also treat each other well and don't tolerate jerks - so none of us are jerks. It works kind of perfectly.

Having a small family dinner is not confrontational - unnecessarily or otherwise. It's not my responsibility to police other adult's temper tantrums. What a bizarre assertion.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Go away angry MIL. You aren't welcome at xmas this year, get over it.

Actually I’m a NP and agree
💯 with the poster. You on the other hand sound petty and nutty.

Actually, I’m a DP and both you and the person you’re agreeing with sound absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

You aren't a parent.

I agree with them. I have more kids than 95% of DCUM. Yes, really. I’ve been here for five years and never changed the details of my family. Ask Jeff — or, you know, get a life. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

You aren't a parent.

Is this non-answer an answer? Either you aren't even a parent, or you chose not to parent your children properly and teach manners. I'm going with random reddit loser bro who's bored.

I'll go with dementia addled Boomer for you who claims her kids never ever acted up ever. Save it for your daughter in law, nobody cares about your rose tinted glasses view you have now of your "perfect" children you raised 40 years ago.

I’m the PP who agreed with the person you’re trying, and failing, to lambast. A DIL. Nowhere near Boomer age. Multiple school aged kids.

Your weird level of rage and repeated lashing out about this is concerning. You should speak to a professional.

[Anonymous]

MIL tried to start a conversation about something thar hurt her feelings. Why is this not allowed?

Because the "host" changed a toilet paper roll?🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL tried to start a conversation about something thar hurt her feelings. Why is this not allowed?

Because the "host" changed a toilet paper roll?🙄

Sure it’s “allowed” but actions have consequences. If you don’t feel welcome and choose to spend your visit bickering, a very reasonable outcome of those choices is not being asked back.

In the same way if you spend your visit being appreciative and kind, people will want you to to come again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

NP. You sound intolerable. Do you have kids? Did your teenager ever say something ungrateful or stupid? When they did, curious what you did. Kick them out if the house? Call them little shits? How’s that working for you?

It’s working great. My kids would NEVER insult the food prepared for them by someone else.

Your kids sound intolerable, and that sounds like it’s your fault.

There is no way you have kids of speaking age. There's a reason the saying "From the mouth of babes" exists. Kids have no filter they say honest shit all the time. You're a clown.

Some of us taught our children manners. Are you even a parent?

You aren't a parent.

Is this non-answer an answer? Either you aren't even a parent, or you chose not to parent your children properly and teach manners. I'm going with random reddit loser bro who's bored.

I'll go with dementia addled Boomer for you who claims her kids never ever acted up ever. Save it for your daughter in law, nobody cares about your rose tinted glasses view you have now of your "perfect" children you raised 40 years ago.

I’m the PP who agreed with the person you’re trying, and failing, to lambast. A DIL. Nowhere near Boomer age. Multiple school aged kids.

Your weird level of rage and repeated lashing out about this is concerning. You should speak to a professional.

Ma’am, no children behaved badly in this thread. But that’s not stopping the pathetic moms from trying to outdo each other on how perfectly behaved their children are. Taking your mommy pissing contest elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

Because she obviously didn’t go to her son and say “Lisa works so hard to have us here, every year, and I’m concerned its too much for her—and you — to have us as guests right now”

She went to her son with ingratitude and entitlement after trying to pick fights with him. This is a classic play stupid game, win stupid prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

Because she obviously didn’t go to her son and say “Lisa works so hard to have us here, every year, and I’m concerned its too much for her—and you — to have us as guests right now”

She went to her son with ingratitude and entitlement after trying to pick fights with him. This is a classic play stupid game, win stupid prize.

It doesn't matter if you roll out the red carpet but still treat the guests with disdain or indifference. If OP doesn't like having them there she should have just said no from the outset. MIL knows she's not welcome and she wasn't wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

Because she obviously didn’t go to her son and say “Lisa works so hard to have us here, every year, and I’m concerned its too much for her—and you — to have us as guests right now”

She went to her son with ingratitude and entitlement after trying to pick fights with him. This is a classic play stupid game, win stupid prize.

It doesn't matter if you roll out the red carpet but still treat the guests with disdain or indifference. If OP doesn't like having them there she should have just said no from the outset. MIL knows she's not welcome and she wasn't wrong.

It’s a matter of perception. From OP’s description, MIL sounds difficult to please and like she enjoys stirring the pot. OP clearly felt like she was walking on eggshells in her own home.

In the end, asking others to caretake our feelings is a no-win situation: everyone feels bruised, everyone likely has a point, and no one is willing to budge when it feels like their boundaries are being crossed.

If OP needs to take a break from the inlaws for a while, she should, because that’s what’s good for her. It’s her home with DH, and their holidays, too. They’re hosting, so they get to set the rules. If the inlaws are mad about it, that’s not OP’s issue to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

MIL stating her feelings makes her an “abusive AH”? You have led a charmed life PP if that’s your standard. You know what other behavior can be abusive? Shutting down family members who express their feelings and deeming their emotions invalid as a matter of course. That’s not a “boundary” that’s a recipe for highly dysfunctional relationships.

Exactly..not even close to abusive. I have s feeling OP is a bit of a drama queen

A normal person can pick up on tension in the house they are staying. If OP is counting up water refills and trash emptying with gritted teeth it wouldn’t be that hard to pick up on not feeling welcomed. Why is it not ok for her to talk to her son about it? Maybe the outcome is no more visits but she’s not a villain for saying something to him to clear the air.

Because she obviously didn’t go to her son and say “Lisa works so hard to have us here, every year, and I’m concerned its too much for her—and you — to have us as guests right now”

She went to her son with ingratitude and entitlement after trying to pick fights with him. This is a classic play stupid game, win stupid prize.

It doesn't matter if you roll out the red carpet but still treat the guests with disdain or indifference. If OP doesn't like having them there she should have just said no from the outset. MIL knows she's not welcome and she wasn't wrong.

It’s a matter of perception. From OP’s description, MIL sounds difficult to please and like she enjoys stirring the pot. OP clearly felt like she was walking on eggshells in her own home.

In the end, asking others to caretake our feelings is a no-win situation: everyone feels bruised, everyone likely has a point, and no one is willing to budge when it feels like their boundaries are being crossed.

If OP needs to take a break from the inlaws for a while, she should, because that’s what’s good for her. It’s her home with DH, and their holidays, too. They’re hosting, so they get to set the rules. If the inlaws are mad about it, that’s not OP’s issue to fix.

OP told us all about the work she did during and leading up to the visit. There was no mention of enjoying her company whatsoever or looking forward to the visit. MIL picked up on this not so hidden resentment so she said something to her son. Do you all normally just dance around issues instead of just speaking up? OP still can't even make up her mind about speaking up. Going through the motions while seething with resentment expecting MIL to not notice is a tall order. So now it's all out in the open which is better than what was happening before.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of who did what, the bottom line is that the homeowner has the right to invite whom they please.

End of story.