Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

[Anonymous]

I would not have them over. Maybe meet up for dinner at a nice restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not have them over. Maybe meet up for dinner at a nice restaurant.

They aren’t close enough to meet up for dinner, even halfway is too far.

[Anonymous]

I'm too old for this crap. Either say something in the moment that they've offended you or keep your mouth shut. If you want to host them for xmas, do so. If not, use your voice and say so. Just stop with hemming and hawing and make a decision.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want them either. Present a united front and DH can communicate that Christmas this year will be your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm too old for this crap. Either say something in the moment that they've offended you or keep your mouth shut. If you want to host them for xmas, do so. If not, use your voice and say so. Just stop with hemming and hawing and make a decision.

+million

[Anonymous]

Just the DH work schedule and all that you have to do is enough for me. They had their one holiday for the year.

[Anonymous]

I think DH should tell them "since you've never felt welcome in our home despite everything Lisa and I do for you to prepare for your visits and to make them enjoyable we think it's best you stay elsewhere for the upcoming holidays."

[Anonymous]

I would tell my DH they can come over but I will not lift a single finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm too old for this crap. Either say something in the moment that they've offended you or keep your mouth shut. If you want to host them for xmas, do so. If not, use your voice and say so. Just stop with hemming and hawing and make a decision.

OMG this. Stop feeding oxygen to this crap and you won't be sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my DH they can come over but I will not lift a single finger.

That’s very passive aggressive. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my DH they can come over but I will not lift a single finger.

That’s very passive aggressive. Just say no.

It's not my decision as to whether he hosts his folks. He can host then but I won't be doing anything to prepare and I will tell him why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm too old for this crap. Either say something in the moment that they've offended you or keep your mouth shut. If you want to host them for xmas, do so. If not, use your voice and say so. Just stop with hemming and hawing and make a decision.

You must have a nice family. I'm happy for you that you cannot begin to understand the difficult position op and her dh are in. I get it, op, and I would tell them today that you decided to do something else on Christmas. (pick something: a getaway, visiting your family, volunteering, staying home, just us, etc etc) Life is too short to spend the holidays with ungrateful, dramatic jerks.

[Anonymous]

Is there history here or were you gobsmacked bc the comment was out of character?

If the latter, I would definitely let it go, host Christmas, and then reevaluate next year's holidays when the time is closer. You can host what you want without the drama of uninviting anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there history here or were you gobsmacked bc the comment was out of character?

If the latter, I would definitely let it go, host Christmas, and then reevaluate next year's holidays when the time is closer. You can host what you want without the drama of uninviting anyone.

It’s definitely nothing new, as far as DH is concerned; they’ve always been difficult. But it’s the first time I’ve felt insulted. I’ve had a really crappy year and still went out of my way to host them, and for my hospitality to be weaponized, just doesn’t sit well with me.