Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

My MIL sent us a letter that said this exact thing, that they never felt welcome in our home. We hosted them for almost 20 years, often for over two weeks at time. We paid for everything, catered to their every ask, want, need, etc. Bent over backwards to accommodate their weird quirks, ever-changing diets, forgotten clothes, anything. This was 5 years ago. We’ve never had them back since.

So you literally are admitting she was not welcome and you were judging her the whole time, but you act like she is out of line for calling it what it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

My MIL sent us a letter that said this exact thing, that they never felt welcome in our home. We hosted them for almost 20 years, often for over two weeks at time. We paid for everything, catered to their every ask, want, need, etc. Bent over backwards to accommodate their weird quirks, ever-changing diets, forgotten clothes, anything. This was 5 years ago. We’ve never had them back since.

So you literally are admitting she was not welcome and you were judging her the whole time, but you act like she is out of line for calling it what it was.

Where did PP “admit” such a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

My MIL sent us a letter that said this exact thing, that they never felt welcome in our home. We hosted them for almost 20 years, often for over two weeks at time. We paid for everything, catered to their every ask, want, need, etc. Bent over backwards to accommodate their weird quirks, ever-changing diets, forgotten clothes, anything. This was 5 years ago. We’ve never had them back since.

Ok what is it with this “unwelcome” thing??? My MIL has also mentioned this to DH. We are somewhat laid back hosts but we are normal, warm people truly happy to have guests.

I am suspicious that it comes from a deep discomfort not being “in charge”. I wonder if, for some MILs, they have grown so comfortable being the lady of the house, the host, etc it feels uncomfortable to be hosted and to be a guest in someone’s home.

This is especially the case for their son’s home as the dynamic used to be that they were in charge of the house their son lived in. Now it’s son/dil’s home and they are the ones running the show.

Agree with your hunch. Which is sad, because in this case, she’s pushing away the people who likely have been kindest to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not invite them back if MIL said she has always felt unwelcome. Time to make her feel unwelcome for real.

Hah. Good point. Here's what unwelcome actually looks like. Enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

My MIL sent us a letter that said this exact thing, that they never felt welcome in our home. We hosted them for almost 20 years, often for over two weeks at time. We paid for everything, catered to their every ask, want, need, etc. Bent over backwards to accommodate their weird quirks, ever-changing diets, forgotten clothes, anything. This was 5 years ago. We’ve never had them back since.

Ok what is it with this “unwelcome” thing??? My MIL has also mentioned this to DH. We are somewhat laid back hosts but we are normal, warm people truly happy to have guests.

I am suspicious that it comes from a deep discomfort not being “in charge”. I wonder if, for some MILs, they have grown so comfortable being the lady of the house, the host, etc it feels uncomfortable to be hosted and to be a guest in someone’s home.

This is especially the case for their son’s home as the dynamic used to be that they were in charge of the house their son lived in. Now it’s son/dil’s home and they are the ones running the show.

Agree with your hunch. Which is sad, because in this case, she’s pushing away the people who likely have been kindest to her.

Yesssss. Not to pile on but MIL has also dropped hints to her golden son as well. Visits are now few and far between. I just think she hates that it's not her show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

My MIL sent us a letter that said this exact thing, that they never felt welcome in our home. We hosted them for almost 20 years, often for over two weeks at time. We paid for everything, catered to their every ask, want, need, etc. Bent over backwards to accommodate their weird quirks, ever-changing diets, forgotten clothes, anything. This was 5 years ago. We’ve never had them back since.

PP, I'm not sure what more they want. Maybe mILs want the DIL to fawn over her and say things like "Mama Larla, your ways are so much better. Please let me step back and you show me how to cook/entertain." Or maybe they want us to melt away entirely and it just be the son and grandchilden to make them feel welcome though we do all the work.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

My MIL sent us a letter that said this exact thing, that they never felt welcome in our home. We hosted them for almost 20 years, often for over two weeks at time. We paid for everything, catered to their every ask, want, need, etc. Bent over backwards to accommodate their weird quirks, ever-changing diets, forgotten clothes, anything. This was 5 years ago. We’ve never had them back since.

PP, I'm not sure what more they want. Maybe mILs want the DIL to fawn over her and say things like "Mama Larla, your ways are so much better. Please let me step back and you show me how to cook/entertain." Or maybe they want us to melt away entirely and it just be the son and grandchilden to make them feel welcome though we do all the work.....

I mean, yeah, I think for some this is it.

Someone else is creating the traditions and cooking the food and they are entering a family’s established routine. It feels uncomfortable to be in another person’s house and not the person controlling the setting and activities.

I can understand why this would be experienced as feeling “unwelcome”. You are not a crucial player driving what’s happening but, instead, a guest being invited in. I’m sure this does feel “off” when you used to be at the center of all the family stuff.

This is no excuse, though, to lash out the new mom figure. Grandma is a different thing and that’s just how it is, you can’t swoop in on a family and expect to replace mom while you are visiting.

[Anonymous]

You already spent thanksgiving with them. Why do you have to do Xmas with them as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

My MIL sent us a letter that said this exact thing, that they never felt welcome in our home. We hosted them for almost 20 years, often for over two weeks at time. We paid for everything, catered to their every ask, want, need, etc. Bent over backwards to accommodate their weird quirks, ever-changing diets, forgotten clothes, anything. This was 5 years ago. We’ve never had them back since.

PP, I'm not sure what more they want. Maybe mILs want the DIL to fawn over her and say things like "Mama Larla, your ways are so much better. Please let me step back and you show me how to cook/entertain." Or maybe they want us to melt away entirely and it just be the son and grandchilden to make them feel welcome though we do all the work.....

My MIL more or less hinted at this, but made it clear it was me, using the same “unwelcome/uncomfortable” script. You know what? I called her bluff and excused myself from the dynamic. I no longer host or visit. Everything is on DH now. And you know what? She went from seeing “us” 2-3 times a month, to 2-3 times a YEAR, because her son can’t be bothered. Like OP, I will not have my kindness weaponized. FAFO.

[Anonymous]

“Unwelcome” is deliberately vague so it can mean whatever it needs to for a MIL with debilitating main character syndrome if not actual NPD. It typically means not enough attention— in OPs case her MIL was shut down while seeking negative attention. I’ve seen it used for not being allowed in delivery rooms, not being given a starring role at weddings/baptisms/birthdays, and my personal favorite is when I heard someone use it about a baby shower (for her grandchild) because the child wasn’t being named after her.

The child was a boy.

“Unwelcome” is a red flag for someone for whom nothing will ever be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Unwelcome” is deliberately vague so it can mean whatever it needs to for a MIL with debilitating main character syndrome if not actual NPD. It typically means not enough attention— in OPs case her MIL was shut down while seeking negative attention. I’ve seen it used for not being allowed in delivery rooms, not being given a starring role at weddings/baptisms/birthdays, and my personal favorite is when I heard someone use it about a baby shower (for her grandchild) because the child wasn’t being named after her.

The child was a boy.

“Unwelcome” is a red flag for someone for whom nothing will ever be enough.

bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Unwelcome” is deliberately vague so it can mean whatever it needs to for a MIL with debilitating main character syndrome if not actual NPD. It typically means not enough attention— in OPs case her MIL was shut down while seeking negative attention. I’ve seen it used for not being allowed in delivery rooms, not being given a starring role at weddings/baptisms/birthdays, and my personal favorite is when I heard someone use it about a baby shower (for her grandchild) because the child wasn’t being named after her.

The child was a boy.

“Unwelcome” is a red flag for someone for whom nothing will ever be enough.

Exactly. I can’t think of a time when I was invited somewhere, enjoyed hospitality and then left feeling “unwelcome”. I don’t even know what that would look like.