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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP, wow OK. I know I have responded to your posts before. My stbx had an affair 10 years ago, which I forgave. Then he blindsided me by leaving a year ago. It turns out it was another affair. I've become weird trauma besties with the other woman's husband. My ex also has a drinking problem.

Friend, what are you doing? No. You should be detaching much more than this. I have very intentionally held myself at a distance from my ex. When he tries to dump things on me, I go grey rock and compose funny texts about it to send to my friends later (Heroic Father Congratulates Self for Buying Food). I see how much I can get away with responding only "No way" or "Oh, bummer" in a flat tone of voice to whatever he says.

It has worked. There was the utter grief, then the anger, and now the detachment and indifference (understanding that it is of course fluid and non-linear). My stbx is a flaming dumpster fire of chaos, though to be fair, (currently) not to the level of your ex. When he sent me a sad selfie of himself in the hospital after breaking a bone doing a stupid sport (that he absolutely also sent to his girlfriend), I said, "Oh, bummer." Haha. I didn't ask about his surgery or how he was flying home with a broken bone or anything. Not my circus, not my monkeys. When I made a pointed remark about him driving when he wasn't supposed to, he unleashed a novel's worth of complaints about how he was "supporting both of us" and blah blah blah. I didn't read it carefully or respond. Detach, detach, detach. That is what divorce means.

I think your kids are older? Mine are younger teens. They see him for what he is. They are constantly disappointed. "Daddy literally has no food. Like, what does he expect us to do?" "I hate how Daddy makes us DoorDash ourselves dinner every night while he goes out." "Daddy always says he can give me a ride and then the day before he tells me I have to find a ride." It's frustrating. [I]But I cannot save them from those frustrations.[/I] I mean, I'm not going to leave my kid stranded on the side of the road. I will go pick them up. [b]But I do NOT anticipate all the ways he is going to let them down and then problem-solve that for him. [/b] I did do that, for many years. That was our marriage. I was really good at it. But I am so, so happy to be freed from that burden. Seriously, sometimes I cry about how happy I am to be relieved of it.

Also . . . dating? Like, right away? When you haven't done the work on your co-dependency?

I don't mean to come down too hard on you or to act like I have all the answers. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, haha. And I know you are trying to hold the world together, just as you always have. But there's no shortcuts here. Take a step back from all the men in your life and just let yourself be. Be alone with yourself for a minute until you can hear your own voice again.[/quote]

My ex has literally left my kid stranded at a high school football game when he was ~11.  Dropped him off. Forgot to pick him up. Phone died.  Kid waited under the bleachers so the security guards wouldn’t question him. Called me once it was obvious dad would never show up. These things happen, but he’s now proficient in using uber, and can cook for himself if he doesn’t want door dash. The silver lining is that he’s much more mature and independent than his friends. He knows dad is unreliable but doesn’t completely hate him. [/quote]

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