Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

Some of you need to go read the thread about the mom who wants to “drop the rope” to see how many married moms feed their kids crap, don’t wash their sheets, and neglect them in various ways. Do you think those kids are better off than a kid with an attentive single mother, or two attentive parents who aren’t together but are both very involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you need to go read the thread about the mom who wants to “drop the rope” to see how many married moms feed their kids crap, don’t wash their sheets, and neglect them in various ways. Do you think those kids are better off than a kid with an attentive single mother, or two attentive parents who aren’t together but are both very involved?

Um, yes I actually earnestly believe that kids eating pop tarts and sleeping in sheets that aren’t washed frequently are significantly better off with mom and dad in the home than kids who are shuffled back and forth to homes with pristine bedding with hospital corners and fed nothing but kale salad and skinless chicken, all else being equal.

Seriously, some of you focus on entirely the wrong things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay married for each other, never for the kids because they can see right through a sham marriage.

If there’s no actual abuse, kids don’t actually give a shit about mommy and daddy’s sham marriage, nor should they.

Exactly.

Yea, but it’s important for me to model to the kids that you don’t have to spend 25 years settling for a marriage that no longer works.
They shouldn’t be married just to be married and if it’s not adding happiness then it’s ok to move on.

So it’s important for you to model irredeemably selfish behavior for your kids? Mommy chose to have kids with Daddy, but now she’s bored so the kids can just deal with it? Mommy’s happiness is more important than their happiness?

Okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Correlation not causation. It could be that the type of parents that would have kids who go to jail and gave teen pregnancies are also the type of adults who tend to divorce. Of course divorce isn’t ideal but neither is marrying the wrong person or living with domestic violence or experiencing financial and health issues that can’t be resolved or being with someone that ends up with a criminal record and on and on. I agree with the prior poster - what exactly do you think is rocket science here or new / impt enough for a thread on this?

OP here. I knew there were big financial and emotional repercussions, but no, I didn’t know about the earlier death statistics.

This reveals your ignorance more than anything else. Parents’ divorce is an adverse childhood experience. (It’s not always more adverse than whatever else was going on in the marriage, but it’s adverse nevertheless.)

The more ACEs you have, the earlier you die.

It’s a great reason for our country to invest in preventing them, but good luck with that in the climate of shame that led you to post this.

Do you think researchers analyzed data from the Census Bureau in order to “shame” you, or any individual, personally? Yes or no.

I didn’t say anything about individual shame. Do I think that the Census Bureau under the Trump administration—which has embraced pro-natalist policies including limitations on divorce because it does not comport with their Christofascist aspirations—may be picking and choosing what it chooses to engage in on that basis, including studies that contribute to a burden of shame experienced by divorced people?

Yes, I do think that. Any Fed in any agency can tell you that participation in published work like this is now subject to political screening; I don’t know why you would think it isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Can we agree on one thing here?

- the children are innocent of any issues between their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we agree on one thing here?

- the children are innocent of any issues between their parents.

Has anyone said anything different?

[Anonymous]

There is so much meanness and punching down on this thread. None of us is perfect, and a lot of things in this life are out of our control. You can feel great about your marriage today and pat yourself on the back for choosing well and then find out tomorrow that your husband is cheating or has been hiding a gambling addiction or has realized they are gay.

It’s reasonable to discuss the impact of divorce on children and how to mitigate potential issues, but I don’t see that here. I see a bunch of jerks being mean to single moms.

Give grace and be nice. You might need it yourself some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is so much meanness and punching down on this thread. None of us is perfect, and a lot of things in this life are out of our control. You can feel great about your marriage today and pat yourself on the back for choosing well and then find out tomorrow that your husband is cheating or has been hiding a gambling addiction or has realized they are gay.

It’s reasonable to discuss the impact of divorce on children and how to mitigate potential issues, but I don’t see that here. I see a bunch of jerks being mean to single moms.

Give grace and be nice. You might need it yourself some day.

Stop pretending all divorced moms are single moms. Most of them share custody. You’re not a single mom if dad has the kids half the time, stop trying to get unwarranted sympathy with this weird “stolen valor” move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much meanness and punching down on this thread. None of us is perfect, and a lot of things in this life are out of our control. You can feel great about your marriage today and pat yourself on the back for choosing well and then find out tomorrow that your husband is cheating or has been hiding a gambling addiction or has realized they are gay.

It’s reasonable to discuss the impact of divorce on children and how to mitigate potential issues, but I don’t see that here. I see a bunch of jerks being mean to single moms.

Give grace and be nice. You might need it yourself some day.

Stop pretending all divorced moms are single moms. Most of them share custody. You’re not a single mom if dad has the kids half the time, stop trying to get unwarranted sympathy with this weird “stolen valor” move.

This is a real wtf post right here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay married for each other, never for the kids because they can see right through a sham marriage.

If there’s no actual abuse, kids don’t actually give a shit about mommy and daddy’s sham marriage, nor should they.

Exactly.

Yea, but it’s important for me to model to the kids that you don’t have to spend 25 years settling for a marriage that no longer works.
They shouldn’t be married just to be married and if it’s not adding happiness then it’s ok to move on.

So it’s important for you to model irredeemably selfish behavior for your kids? Mommy chose to have kids with Daddy, but now she’s bored so the kids can just deal with it? Mommy’s happiness is more important than their happiness?

Okay.

Nope, it’s a loveless relationship where two people are living like roommates with no romantic interest whatsoever, anymore and lots of relationships are like this and I’ll teach my kids that it’s lonlier in a bad relationship than to be on your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay married for each other, never for the kids because they can see right through a sham marriage.

If there’s no actual abuse, kids don’t actually give a shit about mommy and daddy’s sham marriage, nor should they.

Exactly.

Yea, but it’s important for me to model to the kids that you don’t have to spend 25 years settling for a marriage that no longer works.
They shouldn’t be married just to be married and if it’s not adding happiness then it’s ok to move on.

So it’s important for you to model irredeemably selfish behavior for your kids? Mommy chose to have kids with Daddy, but now she’s bored so the kids can just deal with it? Mommy’s happiness is more important than their happiness?

Okay.

What if your working assumptions — that it’s inherently irredeemably selfish and also that the children’s happiness is somehow diminished forever, like they are nothing but fragile, brittle, tragic little Humpty Dumpties who (alas) can never be put back together again — are just wrong?

Also fwiw “bored” is not the same as unhappy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much meanness and punching down on this thread. None of us is perfect, and a lot of things in this life are out of our control. You can feel great about your marriage today and pat yourself on the back for choosing well and then find out tomorrow that your husband is cheating or has been hiding a gambling addiction or has realized they are gay.

It’s reasonable to discuss the impact of divorce on children and how to mitigate potential issues, but I don’t see that here. I see a bunch of jerks being mean to single moms.

Give grace and be nice. You might need it yourself some day.

Stop pretending all divorced moms are single moms. Most of them share custody. You’re not a single mom if dad has the kids half the time, stop trying to get unwarranted sympathy with this weird “stolen valor” move.

This is a real wtf post right here.

Explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is so much meanness and punching down on this thread. None of us is perfect, and a lot of things in this life are out of our control. You can feel great about your marriage today and pat yourself on the back for choosing well and then find out tomorrow that your husband is cheating or has been hiding a gambling addiction or has realized they are gay.

It’s reasonable to discuss the impact of divorce on children and how to mitigate potential issues, but I don’t see that here. I see a bunch of jerks being mean to single moms.

Give grace and be nice. You might need it yourself some day.

There’s actually a fair amount of simmering fear in this thread. Smugness is usually a form of storytelling, to oneself above all. It’s a way of reassuring yourself that you are safe, that the bad things that happen to others won’t and can’t happen to you, because you’ve done it “right.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay married for each other, never for the kids because they can see right through a sham marriage.

If there’s no actual abuse, kids don’t actually give a shit about mommy and daddy’s sham marriage, nor should they.

Exactly.

Yea, but it’s important for me to model to the kids that you don’t have to spend 25 years settling for a marriage that no longer works.
They shouldn’t be married just to be married and if it’s not adding happiness then it’s ok to move on.

So it’s important for you to model irredeemably selfish behavior for your kids? Mommy chose to have kids with Daddy, but now she’s bored so the kids can just deal with it? Mommy’s happiness is more important than their happiness?

Okay.

Nope, it’s a loveless relationship where two people are living like roommates with no romantic interest whatsoever, anymore and lots of relationships are like this and I’ll teach my kids that it’s lonlier in a bad relationship than to be on your own.

Again, you should be more concerned with your kids’ happiness rather than expecting them to be concerned with yours. All you’re teaching your kids is that they should always look out for #1 above everyone, including their own kids someday.

You’re the type of casual divorcee that people are talking about on this thread. Put the burden on your children instead of yourself because they’re so resilient, meanwhile feeling no obligation to exhibit some resilience yourself. Selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is so much meanness and punching down on this thread. None of us is perfect, and a lot of things in this life are out of our control. You can feel great about your marriage today and pat yourself on the back for choosing well and then find out tomorrow that your husband is cheating or has been hiding a gambling addiction or has realized they are gay.

It’s reasonable to discuss the impact of divorce on children and how to mitigate potential issues, but I don’t see that here. I see a bunch of jerks being mean to single moms.

Give grace and be nice. You might need it yourself some day.

There’s actually a fair amount of simmering fear in this thread. Smugness is usually a form of storytelling, to oneself above all. It’s a way of reassuring yourself that you are safe, that the bad things that happen to others won’t and can’t happen to you, because you’ve done it “right.”

You mean like the story that you’re telling yourself that not only are your kids fine being shuttled between two homes, they’re actually better off that way!