Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

You know, until I started posting here, I thought all my issues stemmed from the stuff that happened before my parents divorced, but thank you DCUM for clearing it up that it was the divorce itself that was the issue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

Whew, the tumble from this high horse is going make a big knot on your forehead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correlation not causation. It could be that the type of parents that would have kids who go to jail and gave teen pregnancies are also the type of adults who tend to divorce. Of course divorce isn’t ideal but neither is marrying the wrong person or living with domestic violence or experiencing financial and health issues that can’t be resolved or being with someone that ends up with a criminal record and on and on. I agree with the prior poster - what exactly do you think is rocket science here or new / impt enough for a thread on this?

Or the type who should not have married in the first place.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious which is "better" for an unplanned pregnancy: staying unmarried or single, or marrying and later divorcing. Because I was number 2.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

NP. I am a child of divorce too. None of that bothered me, I DID like having two rooms and two Christmases. I also like that my parent remarrying got me two stepsiblings who love me like we share bio parents as I do them. I am sorry it was bad for you, but please don't speak for those of us who are, OK, as I won't do for those who aren't OK.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Stay married for each other, never for the kids because they can see right through a sham marriage.

If there’s no actual abuse, kids don’t actually give a shit about mommy and daddy’s sham marriage, nor should they.

Exactly.

Yea, but it’s important for me to model to the kids that you don’t have to spend 25 years settling for a marriage that no longer works.
They shouldn’t be married just to be married and if it’s not adding happiness then it’s ok to move on.

[Anonymous]

I’m the poster soon to celebrate 27 years of marriage, incredibly grateful that my own parents divorced.

A twist here is that I believe my parents’ rotten marriage and bitter divorce ultimately was quite helpful to me when it came to picking my own partner and being/staying married. Sometimes seeing what you don’t want can be edifying and instructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster soon to celebrate 27 years of marriage, incredibly grateful that my own parents divorced.

A twist here is that I believe my parents’ rotten marriage and bitter divorce ultimately was quite helpful to me when it came to picking my own partner and being/staying married. Sometimes seeing what you don’t want can be edifying and instructive.

No, it’s not. Thus the results of the study. But it’s cute you think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster soon to celebrate 27 years of marriage, incredibly grateful that my own parents divorced.

A twist here is that I believe my parents’ rotten marriage and bitter divorce ultimately was quite helpful to me when it came to picking my own partner and being/staying married. Sometimes seeing what you don’t want can be edifying and instructive.

No, it’s not. Thus the results of the study. But it’s cute you think so.

Pedantry *and* condescension! My lucky night, apparently.

Doesn’t seem like you and I have much to talk about, so I’ll simply wish you a good night.

p.s. To anyone more curious than certain: correlation isn’t causation, a good study needs an appropriate control group, sometimes kids <waves hand> are relieved when a bad marriage ends, and divorce isn’t destiny. Be well, all!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

I know so many people who made the same gloating statements and ended up divorced.

This. How old are you, OP?

Late 50’s, semi-retired and married for 30+ years with wonderful children. Both sets of parents are still alive and happily married. All of the grandparents were happily married until they passed away. Our kids seem to be in healthy relationships.

Actual OP here and I am none of those things. PP, why would you respond as OP? The question was for OP.

I’m OP and I’m mid-40s, DH and I both work, 2 kids. I am a child of divorce and it had a huge impact on me and on my sister (I was 4, she was 7 at the time of divorce). DH’s parents still married. He and his sister had an easier time of absolutely everything. Divorce still impacts our lives for holidays and stuff. We’re closer to DH’s parents because there’s less fuss and expectation vs. my mom/stepfather and my dad/steopmom. They each also have kids so it’s a holiday mess. Lots of things are more complicated. I am by no means unaware of the fact that in some cases, divorce is truly necessary and better for absolutely everyone. But it IS taken way too lightly, and frankly selfish parents just say kids are resilient, now you have two Christmases blah blah blah because they refuse to take responsibility for the fact that they messed their kids up and imploded a family.

This.

Divorce is a problem than ruins the family structure forever.

Eh, some family structures aren’t worth preserving. If you don’t understand that, I’m (truly) happy for you. But I also wouldn’t take your advice on the subject.

- happily married child of divorced parents

I had a parent who stayed in an abusive relationship. It’s taken me years to deal with the trauma and I would have been much better off if my parent had had the courage to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

I know so many people who made the same gloating statements and ended up divorced.

This. How old are you, OP?

Late 50’s, semi-retired and married for 30+ years with wonderful children. Both sets of parents are still alive and happily married. All of the grandparents were happily married until they passed away. Our kids seem to be in healthy relationships.

Actual OP here and I am none of those things. PP, why would you respond as OP? The question was for OP.

I’m OP and I’m mid-40s, DH and I both work, 2 kids. I am a child of divorce and it had a huge impact on me and on my sister (I was 4, she was 7 at the time of divorce). DH’s parents still married. He and his sister had an easier time of absolutely everything. Divorce still impacts our lives for holidays and stuff. We’re closer to DH’s parents because there’s less fuss and expectation vs. my mom/stepfather and my dad/steopmom. They each also have kids so it’s a holiday mess. Lots of things are more complicated. I am by no means unaware of the fact that in some cases, divorce is truly necessary and better for absolutely everyone. But it IS taken way too lightly, and frankly selfish parents just say kids are resilient, now you have two Christmases blah blah blah because they refuse to take responsibility for the fact that they messed their kids up and imploded a family.

This.

Divorce is a problem than ruins the family structure forever.

Eh, some family structures aren’t worth preserving. If you don’t understand that, I’m (truly) happy for you. But I also wouldn’t take your advice on the subject.

- happily married child of divorced parents

I had a parent who stayed in an abusive relationship. It’s taken me years to deal with the trauma and I would have been much better off if my parent had had the courage to divorce.

I’m so sorry you experienced that. Sending a bit of kindness out into the universe now, hoping it somehow manages to reach you.

[Anonymous]

So, have any of you bothered to read the paper?

Here is a quote from the intro that is pretty relevant: " Changes in household income, neighborhood quality, and parent
proximity account for 25 to 60 percent of these divorce effects."

It seems like if the child does not experience a change in these variables they should probably have the same chance at a positive outcome as kids with married parents.

[Anonymous]

ALSO it's a "working paper."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ALSO it's a "working paper."

True, but the dramatic headline confirms pre-existing beliefs and judgements, so here we are. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster soon to celebrate 27 years of marriage, incredibly grateful that my own parents divorced.

A twist here is that I believe my parents’ rotten marriage and bitter divorce ultimately was quite helpful to me when it came to picking my own partner and being/staying married. Sometimes seeing what you don’t want can be edifying and instructive.

No, it’s not. Thus the results of the study. But it’s cute you think so.

My witnessing my parent’s marriage has made me never want to marry and I never have.