It’s shocking how many parents tell us (DINKS) we “did it right”

[Anonymous]

I’m an almost empty nester and it’s shocking how fast the parenting years are over. In some ways with older kids it is starting to feel like pre kids in terms of ease and lifestyle. I would never regret them because kids add so much love and dimension to life and nothing compares to it. The hard times are 100% worth it.

[Anonymous]

I decided to have a child (through adoption) by myself in my early 40’s.

One of my friends (who had my same advanced degree, but had chosen to stay home with her kids while her husband supported the family) expressed disappointment about my decision. She said that she felt like she could live through me, seeing the exciting life she would have had if she had taken a different path. Her feeling was that my updates from now on would be just as boring as her life.

I thought that was an odd reaction .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone without kids thinks that this is absolutely the best life. Then you have kids and realize it gets better. Do I miss my childless days? Always. But in a way that I am grateful for that chapter but also grateful for the next chapter. Life without experiencing parenthood is incomplete.

I think that blanket statements like this are mean.

What is right for one person is not right for the next.

Just speak for yourself, that is all you really know.

Not everyone should (or wants to) be a parent, as evidenced by some of what goes on around us.

If you think the above is mean you really need to get off DCUM. The above is what is called opinion. Pp is not hurling insults at childless people. But she’s also not pulling punches on her opinion on an anonymous board. Don’t take what people post here as a personal insult. It’s just their opinion

I think it's wonderful you love your kids so much that you literally think life is valueless without children. It's not how some of us feel - that's why we made other choices. But what a testament to your maternal love.

It stinks it comes with some nasty and myopic judgment. But perhaps a parent's love is just so powerful that they think they have the omniscience that you believe yourself to possess. What a great thing, to love that deeply and powerfully. I'm happy for you.

[Anonymous]

I would never say this to a DINK unless it was a really really close friend because it can be very hard to know if the DINK lifestyle was by choice or consequence. Could be incredibly hurtful.

So I normally only express thoughts of regret to parents in my same boat. And I’ve definitely done it during challenging phases/moments. But right now I don’t regret at all. It’s amazing. So my point is even if someone said that to you, it can very much depend on the life stage or even just the day. I may feel differently 15 years from now.

[Anonymous]

I know two childless couples, both by choice. It's their choice, why do any of you feel sorry for them? One couple are both teachers. They get their fill of kids at work; sometimes more than. They coach extra curricular and run clubs. They are very busy outside of that, too. No reason to feel sorry for them. They are both in or close to their 50's.

The other couple are younger but so far are quite sure they don't want kids. They play with their nieces and nephews and friend's kids and are happy to give them back to their parents.

That being said I can't imagine that everyone who made those comments to OP actually regrets having children. I hope not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone without kids thinks that this is absolutely the best life. Then you have kids and realize it gets better. Do I miss my childless days? Always. But in a way that I am grateful for that chapter but also grateful for the next chapter. Life without experiencing parenthood is incomplete.

I think that blanket statements like this are mean.

What is right for one person is not right for the next.

Just speak for yourself, that is all you really know.

Not everyone should (or wants to) be a parent, as evidenced by some of what goes on around us.

If you think the above is mean you really need to get off DCUM. The above is what is called opinion. Pp is not hurling insults at childless people. But she’s also not pulling punches on her opinion on an anonymous board. Don’t take what people post here as a personal insult. It’s just their opinion

Her post was fine until she labeled other people’s lives are “incomplete.” She has no basis or right to declare that. It smacks of a smug and obnoxious attitude. That is my opinion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I decided to have a child (through adoption) by myself in my early 40’s.

One of my friends (who had my same advanced degree, but had chosen to stay home with her kids while her husband supported the family) expressed disappointment about my decision. She said that she felt like she could live through me, seeing the exciting life she would have had if she had taken a different path. Her feeling was that my updates from now on would be just as boring as her life.

I thought that was an odd reaction .

She was either joking or in a deep depression.

My kids are adults now and having them was my best decision ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might say something like this without meaning it, because secretly I feel sorry for you and your empty life.

Or, you're just angry and bittter that settling and down and having a family is just 'something you do', like getting good grades and going to college. You never really gave it much thought. That's why it seems so frustrating for you when others around you choose to not have children because you didn't know that was an option. You didn't know you could be happy without having children.

I feel like this was true a generation ago but is much more rare now. People have kids later and have fewer kids and I think are much more intentional now. I don't know very many people who had kids without thinking now. And even those that do -- it works out for the sometimes too. With birth control people have choices now and it's not like it was for my parents who were expected to marry and have kids by their early 20s. I think a lot of people from that generation wound up hating parenthood.

Well, 45% of all pregnancies in the US unintended, so it is not quite the curated plan that you describe.

https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/unintended-pregnancy-united-states

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I decided to have a child (through adoption) by myself in my early 40’s.

One of my friends (who had my same advanced degree, but had chosen to stay home with her kids while her husband supported the family) expressed disappointment about my decision. She said that she felt like she could live through me, seeing the exciting life she would have had if she had taken a different path. Her feeling was that my updates from now on would be just as boring as her life.

I thought that was an odd reaction .

She was either joking or in a deep depression.

My kids are adults now and having them was my best decision ever.

So my friend must share your feelings?

Why do people think their truth is THE truth.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I were DINKs until our 30s. One day I woke up and REALLY wanted a kid. For me, best decision I ever made. I'm older, my kid is a teen and just super awesome (most of the time), and I'm happy to have her in my life.

I understand people who don't want kids - and that's ok. For me, I can't imagine life without kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would express fake envy to make you feel better. I get that not having kids is easier, but life would have a pointlessness to it. Extremely glad I have my sometimes difficult and annoying children.

Only a stay at home mom, with lackluster career prospects, would say that life without children would be pointless.

The vast majority of people have lackluster career prospects. And almost nobody on their deathbed wishes they spent more time at the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might say something like this without meaning it, because secretly I feel sorry for you and your empty life.

Or, you're just angry and bittter that settling and down and having a family is just 'something you do', like getting good grades and going to college. You never really gave it much thought. That's why it seems so frustrating for you when others around you choose to not have children because you didn't know that was an option. You didn't know you could be happy without having children.

I feel like this was true a generation ago but is much more rare now. People have kids later and have fewer kids and I think are much more intentional now. I don't know very many people who had kids without thinking now. And even those that do -- it works out for the sometimes too. With birth control people have choices now and it's not like it was for my parents who were expected to marry and have kids by their early 20s. I think a lot of people from that generation wound up hating parenthood.

Well, 45% of all pregnancies in the US unintended, so it is not quite the curated plan that you describe.

https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/unintended-pregnancy-united-states

Yeah sure, unintended, wink wink, nod nod.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were DINKs until our 30s. One day I woke up and REALLY wanted a kid. For me, best decision I ever made. I'm older, my kid is a teen and just super awesome (most of the time), and I'm happy to have her in my life.

I understand people who don't want kids - and that's ok. For me, I can't imagine life without kids.

I am also glad that I had kids, but feel no compunction to announce that other adults would therefore be better off emulating me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I might say something like this without meaning it, because secretly I feel sorry for you and your empty life.

Or, you're just angry and bittter that settling and down and having a family is just 'something you do', like getting good grades and going to college. You never really gave it much thought. That's why it seems so frustrating for you when others around you choose to not have children because you didn't know that was an option. You didn't know you could be happy without having children.

I feel like this was true a generation ago but is much more rare now. People have kids later and have fewer kids and I think are much more intentional now. I don't know very many people who had kids without thinking now. And even those that do -- it works out for the sometimes too. With birth control people have choices now and it's not like it was for my parents who were expected to marry and have kids by their early 20s. I think a lot of people from that generation wound up hating parenthood.

Well, 45% of all pregnancies in the US unintended, so it is not quite the curated plan that you describe.

https://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/unintended-pregnancy-united-states

Except if you read your own link, only 18% are categorized as "unwanted." The rest are people who want kids but get pregnant before they mean to. These get categorized as unplanned but are different.

Also a lot of unplanned but wanted pregnancies are subsequent children. So they are already parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for people without children. I really do. But I will never ever reveal my thoughts in any way. Instead, I will say something like, "oh wow, I wish we could just head off to Europe like you" but know that I am just blowing smoke up your a-s trying to make you feel good. Inside I feel pity for you.

I say similar things because I do feel sorry for people that don’t have kids and assume sometimes they may have dealt with fertility problems (we did) - but I also really appreciate people that don’t have kids because they didn’t want to be parents. Nobody should be a parent that doesn’t want it. And probably a lot of men regret having kids because men are typically pretty selfish. Or at least the fantasize what it would be like to still be single.