Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of people where this hits a nerve. OP's kids didn't ask "why are you fat/ugly?" A child asked what is your job? OP saw her bro uncomfortable and shut it down after less than 2 minutes. It should have ended there. They are projecting and scapegoating at this point. If OP's brother is traumatized by such innocuous questions and the typical behavior of a 7 year old, then he needs therapy to learn coping skills. If he thinks a grown up sibling should be cleaning his dirty undies for him, he needs help.

If the parents are getting him help, great! If they don't want to tell OP, that is fine. OP does not owe him an apology nor do her kids. This is a great situation for him to take to his therapist. Figure out why he is so traumatized he needs to upset his parents and drag his sister and her kid into it. He needs to problem solve how he could have handled it differently. This is not Ops problem. If they keep making it her problem and don't disclose any disability, I would distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people where this hits a nerve. OP's kids didn't ask "why are you fat/ugly?" A child asked what is your job? OP saw her bro uncomfortable and shut it down after less than 2 minutes. It should have ended there. They are projecting and scapegoating at this point. If OP's brother is traumatized by such innocuous questions and the typical behavior of a 7 year old, then he needs therapy to learn coping skills. If he thinks a grown up sibling should be cleaning his dirty undies for him, he needs help.

If the parents are getting him help, great! If they don't want to tell OP, that is fine. OP does not owe him an apology nor do her kids. This is a great situation for him to take to his therapist. Figure out why he is so traumatized he needs to upset his parents and drag his sister and her kid into it. He needs to problem solve how he could have handled it differently. This is not Ops problem. If they keep making it her problem and don't disclose any disability, I would distance.

You know OP stood there listening with a smug look on her face. This family is broken and OP should just own up to her part in it. Putting a child to the task of doing her dirty work to call her brother out is low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people where this hits a nerve. OP's kids didn't ask "why are you fat/ugly?" A child asked what is your job? OP saw her bro uncomfortable and shut it down after less than 2 minutes. It should have ended there. They are projecting and scapegoating at this point. If OP's brother is traumatized by such innocuous questions and the typical behavior of a 7 year old, then he needs therapy to learn coping skills. If he thinks a grown up sibling should be cleaning his dirty undies for him, he needs help.

If the parents are getting him help, great! If they don't want to tell OP, that is fine. OP does not owe him an apology nor do her kids. This is a great situation for him to take to his therapist. Figure out why he is so traumatized he needs to upset his parents and drag his sister and her kid into it. He needs to problem solve how he could have handled it differently. This is not Ops problem. If they keep making it her problem and don't disclose any disability, I would distance.

Just want to add how this is personal to me. I have a very bright sibling with fancy degrees who still have mom catering to her in many ways and paying for things. I stay out of it, but I have boundaries. I have 2 kids, one with special needs and a husband with health issues and a job. The problem is mom is aging and wants me to be sister's new mommy. I refused, my mother raged at me, my sister raged. Now I barely have a relationship, but my mom is finally forcing my sister to learn more skills of independence and get psychiatric help for her anger, mood swings, mild paranoia and constant feeling sorry for herself. It's working. Last time I saw my sister, she was medicated and able to manage her anger. She was no longer blaming everyone else for her issues. She is slowly taking on more skills of independence and not expecting everyone to cater. It's amazing what can happen when you insist someone get proper services and you stop enabling. The experts can help you understand what are reasonable expectations and what aren't, but I can tell you right it is reasonable to expect any able bodied person to do laundry.

[Anonymous]

I also have a 42 year old brother who doesn't work. I can totally see my 7 year old asking him what he does and being confused. He is surrounded by people who work, have kids and day to day responsibilities. We are ok with asking kids what they want to be when they grow up but expect them to not be confused when "nothing" is an option?

I also would not tolerate my parents calling me to complain about a 7 YEAR OLD shaming a grown man. Ridiculous family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to make is 100% clear to your parents and your brother that you will NOT be assuming care of or any responsibility for your brother in the future, so that other plans can be made. If they leave him $, it should be in a trust. In the meantime, perhaps they can teach him skills like laundry. I'd call a family meeting with your parents, DH and brother. Leave kid out of it and don't discuss it around him.

To me, sending him over, with dirty laundry, is kind of testing your boundaries and wearing you down to be everlasting Mommy 2.0.

I would genuinely try to understand what mental or developmental issues may be at play, they are part of your child's genetics. Which is not to say that he could not learn to be more independent. But, unlikely he is neurotypical and living like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

7 Yo are obsessed with general observations. they like to comment on what they see and what they are thinking---my 7yo always had a running commentary going, often out loud.

No I wouldn't want to be the loser of a brother either--42 and still lives at home, doesn't work and does nothing to help his parents around the house.

However, I'd happily spend 24/7 with a creative, thought provoking 7 yo.

If you're going to invite your adult brother to your home, it would be nice to not let your nosy brat interrogate him. Uncle is a guest in the home and it's inappropriate not funny and cute to treat him that way. OP needs to do better. But, her little apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh please. It’s reasonable to ask a grown ass adult where they work the uncle should be ashamed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

7 Yo are obsessed with general observations. they like to comment on what they see and what they are thinking---my 7yo always had a running commentary going, often out loud.

No I wouldn't want to be the loser of a brother either--42 and still lives at home, doesn't work and does nothing to help his parents around the house.

However, I'd happily spend 24/7 with a creative, thought provoking 7 yo.

If you're going to invite your adult brother to your home, it would be nice to not let your nosy brat interrogate him. Uncle is a guest in the home and it's inappropriate not funny and cute to treat him that way. OP needs to do better. But, her little apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh please. It’s reasonable to ask a grown ass adult where they work the uncle should be ashamed

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

7 Yo are obsessed with general observations. they like to comment on what they see and what they are thinking---my 7yo always had a running commentary going, often out loud.

No I wouldn't want to be the loser of a brother either--42 and still lives at home, doesn't work and does nothing to help his parents around the house.

However, I'd happily spend 24/7 with a creative, thought provoking 7 yo.

If you're going to invite your adult brother to your home, it would be nice to not let your nosy brat interrogate him. Uncle is a guest in the home and it's inappropriate not funny and cute to treat him that way. OP needs to do better. But, her little apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh please. It’s reasonable to ask a grown ass adult where they work the uncle should be ashamed

He was asked and answered. To keep harassing and needling takes it too far. Whether or not you agree with his life choices doesn't a child or anyone else the right to keep persisting or asking "why". OP needs to teach her kid better manners. My kids asked questions about people they saw. If the man wearing an eye patch was a pirate, if a little person was a man or a boy, but never ever would I let them keep up a line of rude and intrusive questions even if there was some reason to disagree or judge.

Would you let the child go up to a homeless person and demand to know why they don't have a job or a house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

7 Yo are obsessed with general observations. they like to comment on what they see and what they are thinking---my 7yo always had a running commentary going, often out loud.

No I wouldn't want to be the loser of a brother either--42 and still lives at home, doesn't work and does nothing to help his parents around the house.

However, I'd happily spend 24/7 with a creative, thought provoking 7 yo.

If you're going to invite your adult brother to your home, it would be nice to not let your nosy brat interrogate him. Uncle is a guest in the home and it's inappropriate not funny and cute to treat him that way. OP needs to do better. But, her little apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh please. It’s reasonable to ask a grown ass adult where they work the uncle should be ashamed

+1.

The conversation should have ended when the uncle responded that he is battling exhaustion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people where this hits a nerve. OP's kids didn't ask "why are you fat/ugly?" A child asked what is your job? OP saw her bro uncomfortable and shut it down after less than 2 minutes. It should have ended there. They are projecting and scapegoating at this point. If OP's brother is traumatized by such innocuous questions and the typical behavior of a 7 year old, then he needs therapy to learn coping skills. If he thinks a grown up sibling should be cleaning his dirty undies for him, he needs help.

If the parents are getting him help, great! If they don't want to tell OP, that is fine. OP does not owe him an apology nor do her kids. This is a great situation for him to take to his therapist. Figure out why he is so traumatized he needs to upset his parents and drag his sister and her kid into it. He needs to problem solve how he could have handled it differently. This is not Ops problem. If they keep making it her problem and don't disclose any disability, I would distance.

You know OP stood there listening with a smug look on her face. This family is broken and OP should just own up to her part in it. Putting a child to the task of doing her dirty work to call her brother out is low.

This is a crazy response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

7 Yo are obsessed with general observations. they like to comment on what they see and what they are thinking---my 7yo always had a running commentary going, often out loud.

No I wouldn't want to be the loser of a brother either--42 and still lives at home, doesn't work and does nothing to help his parents around the house.

However, I'd happily spend 24/7 with a creative, thought provoking 7 yo.

If you're going to invite your adult brother to your home, it would be nice to not let your nosy brat interrogate him. Uncle is a guest in the home and it's inappropriate not funny and cute to treat him that way. OP needs to do better. But, her little apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh please. It’s reasonable to ask a grown ass adult where they work the uncle should be ashamed

+1.

The conversation should have ended when the uncle responded that he is battling exhaustion.

That’s not really a thing for 42 yo men without responsibilities. Even a 7 yo understands that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

7 Yo are obsessed with general observations. they like to comment on what they see and what they are thinking---my 7yo always had a running commentary going, often out loud.

No I wouldn't want to be the loser of a brother either--42 and still lives at home, doesn't work and does nothing to help his parents around the house.

However, I'd happily spend 24/7 with a creative, thought provoking 7 yo.

If you're going to invite your adult brother to your home, it would be nice to not let your nosy brat interrogate him. Uncle is a guest in the home and it's inappropriate not funny and cute to treat him that way. OP needs to do better. But, her little apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh please. It’s reasonable to ask a grown ass adult where they work the uncle should be ashamed

It’s both unreasonable and uncommon for a 7 year old to interrogate an adult on the particulars of his life circumstances. All 7 year old I know, including mine, might ask their own parent follow up questions but don’t engage with another adult in a pedantic and confrontational way. It’s basic manners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people where this hits a nerve. OP's kids didn't ask "why are you fat/ugly?" A child asked what is your job? OP saw her bro uncomfortable and shut it down after less than 2 minutes. It should have ended there. They are projecting and scapegoating at this point. If OP's brother is traumatized by such innocuous questions and the typical behavior of a 7 year old, then he needs therapy to learn coping skills. If he thinks a grown up sibling should be cleaning his dirty undies for him, he needs help.

If the parents are getting him help, great! If they don't want to tell OP, that is fine. OP does not owe him an apology nor do her kids. This is a great situation for him to take to his therapist. Figure out why he is so traumatized he needs to upset his parents and drag his sister and her kid into it. He needs to problem solve how he could have handled it differently. This is not Ops problem. If they keep making it her problem and don't disclose any disability, I would distance.

You know OP stood there listening with a smug look on her face. This family is broken and OP should just own up to her part in it. Putting a child to the task of doing her dirty work to call her brother out is low.

This is a crazy response.

Op has made her feelings perfectly clear. Her son didn’t come up with this in his own, come on now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

7 Yo are obsessed with general observations. they like to comment on what they see and what they are thinking---my 7yo always had a running commentary going, often out loud.

No I wouldn't want to be the loser of a brother either--42 and still lives at home, doesn't work and does nothing to help his parents around the house.

However, I'd happily spend 24/7 with a creative, thought provoking 7 yo.

If you're going to invite your adult brother to your home, it would be nice to not let your nosy brat interrogate him. Uncle is a guest in the home and it's inappropriate not funny and cute to treat him that way. OP needs to do better. But, her little apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh please. It’s reasonable to ask a grown ass adult where they work the uncle should be ashamed

+1.

The conversation should have ended when the uncle responded that he is battling exhaustion.

That’s not really a thing for 42 yo men without responsibilities. Even a 7 yo understands that.

Have you ever met someone unlike yourself?

[Anonymous]

This could literally be my brother except for I'm the oldest. He still lives at home and hasn't had any job for longer than a few weeks. It is never his fault when he gets fired. He has several DUIs, too.

He's the product of what happens when parents coddle and baby their sons to an extreme level.