Dear MILs

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:wtf with this obsession that you are an incubator. That’s not normal thinking.

Well my mil proved that to be the case when she never asked how I was doing but worried just about my husband and then when the doctor thought our child might have some issues which he didn’t mil was all concerned hence the incubator comment. So no concern for her DIl the actual human being carrying the child. So I’m merely an incubator.

So you’re right it’s not normal to view someone as an incubator but you’re telling that to the wrong person tell that to mil.

I literally had co workers CO WORKERS give me cards when my pregnancy got really tough. With family they should care more than co workers.

Do you try to control who your coworkers can speak to or do you act reasonably normal around them and allow them to speak to each other outside of your earshot?

Again the issue was if it was a mundane innocent question my mil was asking my husband why wait until I was out of the room to ask it? That’s what makes me think it was a passive aggressive comment and there’s more that meets the eye to it.

During all of my pregnancy trouble she didn’t give a shit about how I was feeling or what I was going through but yet her precious baby boy seems a little tired and mommy needs to check up on him and fix it.

Doesn’t she realize that his wife will check up on him as his wife and make sure he is ok.

No, a wife doesn’t all alone fulfill all her H’s needs, nor will a h fulfill all his W’s needs.

Ok but I was going through a lot more major issues than my husband ever was and not once did my mil ask about me or show any concern.

Isn’t being tired kinda part for the course for a first time parent of a young baby?

You said you switch off nights. You're getting a good night's sleep every other night. You don't realize how good you have it.

No I don’t have it good simply bc my husband does his job as a father. What are we in the 1940s where a man gets praised for simply changing a diaper on his own child.

Yes you do have it good. You're getting a good nights sleep because unlike the 1940s you don't have to do ALL the child care. How would that go for you? I'd actually feel bad for you if you were doing all the night wakings and someone dared to ask your husband why he looked tired. And no woman is going to tell another woman "you look tired" that means "you look like shit" and for sure your head would have exploded. Your MIL has your number.

That’s not having it good that it just the standard for how it should have always been.

A woman having equal rights doesn’t mean she has it good it means she has what should have been given to her all along.

Let’s be real men have it sooooo much easier in the parenting phase which is why I find it ironic that my mil is showing concern for my husband rather than me. She was a young mother once herself why doesn’t she ask me how it’s going, how I’m holding up, and how I’m feeling?

Me. Me. Me. I have all the answers. I know everything. I will have the last word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

So I wasn’t wrong then when I said mil sees me merely as an incubator?

That’s not good mil behavior.

A lot of mils love and care about their DILs and even see them as a second daughter.

It’s not true. The faster you get rid of this assumption the better off you will be.
I’ve been burned twice.
First I thought that a host family is just like real family.
Second, I thought my FIL genuinely liked me, just because he was decent to me (unlike my somewhat crazy parents).
OP do you have a distant or tumultuous relationship with your own parents? If yes, your need to find a loving and stable parent is unfulfilled and is projected onto your MIL.
She is the wrong object of your projection though.
Yes she sees you as someone who is supposed to take care of her son and produce kids for him (and grandkids for her).
If she was smarter she would take your DH for a walk and ask him questions and then explicitly tell him not to talk about it with you.

Then yes an incubator which isn’t kind mil behavior. What kind of questions do you suppose mil should ask? And then ask her son to keep secrets from his own wife is also not good mil behavior.

Also why does she think her son would be more loyal to her than his own wife and listen to her by keeping secrets from his own wife?

Also how is it mil’s place to stick her nose into her son’s marriage when he is grown??

You don’t learn anything do you.
Your MIL is right to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:wtf with this obsession that you are an incubator. That’s not normal thinking.

Well my mil proved that to be the case when she never asked how I was doing but worried just about my husband and then when the doctor thought our child might have some issues which he didn’t mil was all concerned hence the incubator comment. So no concern for her DIl the actual human being carrying the child. So I’m merely an incubator.

So you’re right it’s not normal to view someone as an incubator but you’re telling that to the wrong person tell that to mil.

I literally had co workers CO WORKERS give me cards when my pregnancy got really tough. With family they should care more than co workers.

Do you try to control who your coworkers can speak to or do you act reasonably normal around them and allow them to speak to each other outside of your earshot?

Again the issue was if it was a mundane innocent question my mil was asking my husband why wait until I was out of the room to ask it? That’s what makes me think it was a passive aggressive comment and there’s more that meets the eye to it.

During all of my pregnancy trouble she didn’t give a shit about how I was feeling or what I was going through but yet her precious baby boy seems a little tired and mommy needs to check up on him and fix it.

Doesn’t she realize that his wife will check up on him as his wife and make sure he is ok.

No, a wife doesn’t all alone fulfill all her H’s needs, nor will a h fulfill all his W’s needs.

Ok but I was going through a lot more major issues than my husband ever was and not once did my mil ask about me or show any concern.

Isn’t being tired kinda part for the course for a first time parent of a young baby?

It’s not a contest. There’s no such thing as the suffering Olympics.

You obviously had a hard pregnancy and are not handling the infant stage very well. But if I was your friend, I would ask how you were doing I wouldn’t say oh I’m not gonna ask you how you’re doing because my other best friend had a harder delivery. Do you get it?

It doesn’t matter if it’s par for course, people are allowed to ask you if you’re tired.

Right but I thought I was part of mil’s family as well and she didn’t ask about me.

It’s not that I’m saying she asked about me but because I went through worse she can’t ask about him as well.

She didn’t ask about me at all.

That’s like not asking about the friend who has cancer but then asking the friend who has a cold how they are holding up? It’s very tone deaf if you ask me.

A DIl is also family as well.

op - you are very myopic and self focused. i dont say that to be mean (I have been too! and sometimes still am) but it isn't serving you. it isn't helping!
you are finding reasons to be mad at your MIL. objectively what she did is just not that bad.
I think maybe you are exhausted and emotional and angry at your dh and using her as a target.
it's SO MUCH EASIER to be mad at mil than dh. but you are mad at dh. i would suggest. not even gently.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Okay I haven’t read all the comments but I absolutely KNOW for a fact that it is possible to cause a rift between parent and child if child is influenced by someone else who is unfortunately not mentally well or just an evil person.
I am not a MIL FWIW

Again if the grown man allows himself to be influenced by his wife when in 2024 he has his own car and cell phone that’s a him problem. Take that up with your actual child not their spouse. Your child is the one.

It’s not specific to men. Read Rules of Estrangement, it’s a great book.

Again stop placing the blame on the DIl for the actions of your son. Your DIl doesn’t have some sort of magic vaginal power.

Please tell me if your son is a full fledged adult how you can blame his wife for his own actions?

Did she take his cell phone and car keys? Did she duct tape his mouth shut?

Mils love to place the blame on the DILs because their sons are checked out instead of facing up to the fact that their son just isn’t into them.

As I said before I am not a MIL
read the book, maybe you will have answers to some of your questions

[Anonymous]

Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

This. Applicable to SILs as well and I have young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

My husband doesn’t have real conversations with his parents or friends. It’s always superficial like a bit a news story or about work. He’s like talking to a brick wall. She’s similar. In fact in their family, dinners are completely silent. Even our kids find it bizarre.

MIL does let a rude zinger out once or twice a visit though. And lies when she breaks something in our house and we find it in the outdoor garbage can, broken glass all over. Yet on security camera. Oh well. At least I know what maturity level of people I’m dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

My husband doesn’t have real conversations with his parents or friends. It’s always superficial like a bit a news story or about work. He’s like talking to a brick wall. She’s similar. In fact in their family, dinners are completely silent. Even our kids find it bizarre.

MIL does let a rude zinger out once or twice a visit though. And lies when she breaks something in our house and we find it in the outdoor garbage can, broken glass all over. Yet on security camera. Oh well. At least I know what maturity level of people I’m dealing with.

Who are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

This. Applicable to SILs as well and I have young children.

You sign off on this bat shit crazy letter? The letter is basically saying the mom is more important than the wife.

Now granted the OP is crazy but cmon now this letter is not a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

This. Applicable to SILs as well and I have young children.

Ok so in response to this crazy letter and I’m not OP.

Dear crazy MIL,

No it is absolutely not your job or your place to get involved in your son’s marriage just because you birthed him over 20 years ago doesn’t give you a license to run his life.

Stop playing the martyr and acting like he owes you because you did what you were supposed to do as a parent.

You are truly misled if you think your son will put your over the woman he has made vows to and lives with and possibly has children with.

If your son does back up his mommy over his own wife that’s not a win for you because that means you haven’t raised him to correctly which is to back up his immediate family which is now his wife and children.

You aren’t there 24/7 although it may feel like it to me to really know what goes on behind closed doors. So no you have no right to judge.

Stop expecting your grown son to side with you. You may have kissed a scrape knee better in 1982 but I have birthed all your son’s children, bought a house with him, share a whole life with him, made vows to stand by him until death do us part, I am the one he looks to for comfort when he has had a bad day.

You may be his mother but he didn’t exactly have a choice in who his mother was but he certainly had a choice in who his wife was and he actively chose me and he chooses me everyday. We will never really know if he would have chosen you as his mother.

Lady you have a lot more to lose as the mil than I do as the DIl. Think about it I’m married to your son and have your grandchildren. You don’t treat me right you really think your precious son will side with you? HAHA well guess again? Also guess what you really think you disrespect your grandchildren’s mother I’m gonna let you within 10 yards of your grandchildren well you are surely mistaken. And I will make sure your grandchildren know exactly why they don’t see you.

Yes couples may divorce but do you really wanna sight that as a potential possibility in your letter? That means you are routing for something negative to happen in your son’s life and lady we aren’t divorced today so quit citing hypotheticals.

You had 18 years to actively parent my husband if you couldn’t get it right in 18 years and still feel the need to actively baby and “mother” him guess you didn’t get it right the first time, huh?

Signed,
A DIL who knows there aren’t room for 3 people in a marriage. Butt out and back off MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

This. Applicable to SILs as well and I have young children.

Ok so in response to this crazy letter and I’m not OP.

Dear crazy MIL,

No it is absolutely not your job or your place to get involved in your son’s marriage just because you birthed him over 20 years ago doesn’t give you a license to run his life.

Stop playing the martyr and acting like he owes you because you did what you were supposed to do as a parent.

You are truly misled if you think your son will put your over the woman he has made vows to and lives with and possibly has children with.

If your son does back up his mommy over his own wife that’s not a win for you because that means you haven’t raised him to correctly which is to back up his immediate family which is now his wife and children.

You aren’t there 24/7 although it may feel like it to me to really know what goes on behind closed doors. So no you have no right to judge.

Stop expecting your grown son to side with you. You may have kissed a scrape knee better in 1982 but I have birthed all your son’s children, bought a house with him, share a whole life with him, made vows to stand by him until death do us part, I am the one he looks to for comfort when he has had a bad day.

You may be his mother but he didn’t exactly have a choice in who his mother was but he certainly had a choice in who his wife was and he actively chose me and he chooses me everyday. We will never really know if he would have chosen you as his mother.

Lady you have a lot more to lose as the mil than I do as the DIl. Think about it I’m married to your son and have your grandchildren. You don’t treat me right you really think your precious son will side with you? HAHA well guess again? Also guess what you really think you disrespect your grandchildren’s mother I’m gonna let you within 10 yards of your grandchildren well you are surely mistaken. And I will make sure your grandchildren know exactly why they don’t see you.

Yes couples may divorce but do you really wanna sight that as a potential possibility in your letter? That means you are routing for something negative to happen in your son’s life and lady we aren’t divorced today so quit citing hypotheticals.

You had 18 years to actively parent my husband if you couldn’t get it right in 18 years and still feel the need to actively baby and “mother” him guess you didn’t get it right the first time, huh?

Signed,
A DIL who knows there aren’t room for 3 people in a marriage. Butt out and back off MIL.

I also want to add to my letter that if your son chose a poor wife for himself that’s another parenting fail on your end for not teaching your son how to properly be a good judge of character. Go mom!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

This. Applicable to SILs as well and I have young children.

Wait so you would want your mil to get involved in your marriage??

How is it a mother’s place to get involved with her grown son’s marital affairs when the marital relationship is now the most important relationship.

So I guess what’s good for the goose is good for the gander that I can now get involved in your son’s relationship with you and ask him to shut down any negative talk about his wife and lady I can shut you out of my home so fast you won’t know what hit you.

It isn’t just your son’s home it’s my home too and if you can’t be respectful of my marriage you won’t be welcome in my home. And your son is going to back up his wife and the mother of his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ is your mil allowed to talk to her own son when you aren’t in the room.

She was his mother for many years before you were his wife.

She didn’t cease to be his mother when you married him. She is allowed to show care for her own son in any way she damn well pleases.

About her aches and pains, social group, senior breakfasts? sure.

About me? No.

Trash-talking someone's spouse isn't care for them. It's catty betch bs. No excuses.

Nobody “trashed” op. The MIL just told her son he looked tired. He has a four month old, of course he is tired, but old people are so far removed from that experience they don’t really remember HOW tired a person gets with a baby, especially their first baby.

I remember my parents’ commentary was definitely clueless and less than helpful pretty much always. In fact, my kids are entering tween/teen years and my parents are still offering really annoying, unhelpful commentary and manufacturing problems that don’t actually exist. I let it roll off my back because they’re just words from clueless people who still love us.

And nothing about asking about someone’s tiredness implicates OP or a lack of care for OP. OP is making that assumption.

Guess what, if you lack grace and empathy you are always going to have trouble in relationships, especially complex relationships. There is a lot of ground between MIL considering someone an “incubator” (OP’s word) and simply understanding that yes, your MIL is always going to love their own baby more than they love you, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about you. I loved my MIL but I didn’t expect really anything from her. I knew she loved DH and my kids more than me because duh of course she does. If she said something dumb I let it slide because I, a fellow human, also say dumb things sometimes. This facilitated a happy relationship. OP sounds exhausting, sorry OP.

OP here. Absolutely of course she is going to care more about her own son than me. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t check on me at all.

The woman is the one (not the man) who goes through the brunt of the issues during pregnancy and child birth. Not once did she ask about me. I think there is a fine line between treating me exactly like her son and not asking at all about me.

She could have asked is there anything you need from me. Brought over meal to help us out anything but she did and said nothing.

The incubator comment means that you are seen as nothing more than a person to produce and provide grand babies for you which is the way mil was acting because once the pregnancy got risky she didn’t ask about me the actual human carrying the child but she damn well was worried her grandchild couldn’t make it. So she can care about her son, grandchild, but not her DIL? Why because I’m not blood related?

Hence me being seen as an incubator. My pain and mental and physical anguish didn’t matter as long as that baby and her son were healthy.

But her son seems a little tired and she needs to suddenly inquire about it. I was tired to that day and in a lot of pain but she didn’t give two shits.

There has to be a middle ground. I don’t expect to be in the ladies inheritance but I think the least a mil can do is reach out to her DIl to ask how she is feeling and offer to help in a way that benefits BOTH her son and DIL. Without the DIl there would be no grandchild to speak of.