Giving up on Gentle Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this philosophical debate is well and good but when OP needs her own time out in a psych ward, time to change what is going on at home.

How many of us are on antidepressants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting.

Ikr? Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly. It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others). They are doing it wrong. It's their fault.

/s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting.

Ikr? Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly. It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others). They are doing it wrong. It's their fault.

/s

DP, but if gentle parenting is "hell" then yes, you are doing it wrong.

People on here saying that gentle parenting means being "dead behind the eyes," letting kids walk all over them, having no boundaries and no discipline... yes, they are doing it wrong. None of that is gentle parenting.

One reason it's called "gentle" is because it's gentle on adults, too. I do gentle parenting because I don't want to be yelling at my kids. I came upon some gentle parenting advice when my kid was 2 and I was finding myself in these "battles of wills" with her, which of course is not what you wanted. I was trying to do authoritative parenting but my 2 year old didn't want to do what I told her to do, and when I would discipline her with timeouts or taking away things she liked, her behavior would escalate. That's when I read about "dysregulation" and started using gentle techniques and I found it helped me get my kid to comply with my boundaries that I set, without yelling, engaging in argument with a 2 year old (no one wants this), or watching her spiral up and out of control.

So... yeah, I do kind of think some of the people who think gentle parenting is just this permissive free for all where parents wait on their children day and night are doing it wrong. That does not sound right to me and I don't know why you would engage in a parenting method like that for literally any length of time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting.

Ikr? Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly. It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others). They are doing it wrong. It's their fault.

/s

DP, but if gentle parenting is "hell" then yes, you are doing it wrong.

People on here saying that gentle parenting means being "dead behind the eyes," letting kids walk all over them, having no boundaries and no discipline... yes, they are doing it wrong. None of that is gentle parenting.

One reason it's called "gentle" is because it's gentle on adults, too. I do gentle parenting because I don't want to be yelling at my kids. I came upon some gentle parenting advice when my kid was 2 and I was finding myself in these "battles of wills" with her, which of course is not what you wanted. I was trying to do authoritative parenting but my 2 year old didn't want to do what I told her to do, and when I would discipline her with timeouts or taking away things she liked, her behavior would escalate. That's when I read about "dysregulation" and started using gentle techniques and I found it helped me get my kid to comply with my boundaries that I set, without yelling, engaging in argument with a 2 year old (no one wants this), or watching her spiral up and out of control.

So... yeah, I do kind of think some of the people who think gentle parenting is just this permissive free for all where parents wait on their children day and night are doing it wrong. That does not sound right to me and I don't know why you would engage in a parenting method like that for literally any length of time?

It's pretty easy to never yell or engage in battles of will if you just drop out and let them do what they want. We see these kids out and about in public all the time while their parents stand by meekly gently imploring them to make good choices while the kids are destroying the place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting.

Ikr? Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly. It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others). They are doing it wrong. It's their fault.

/s

Right. It speaks to defensiveness. I've posted a lot in this thread and the Gentle Parenting boosters keep pointing out that I'm basically in line with their philosophy, but I do give time outs and harsher consequences. Rewards are determined by good behavior too. But I don't yell for the most part, I'm not hitting my kids and I keep myself regulated the vast majority of the time.

But Gentle Parenting is causing problems on a society level. And here's why.

When I was a kid, pediatricians began to recommend no corporal punishment, noting that it often slips into abuse and causes more aggression in kids. Probably a valid point especially the potential for abuse. So parents transitioned to timeouts instead.

And then the pendulum moved all the way in the other direction. Now it wasn't enough to stick to timeouts, now you had to "co-regulate" and "empathize" with your kids constantly, even though people like my 3 year old are completely irrational and telling them that it's ok to cry and scream reinforces crying and screaming. It also limits my ability not to feel angry.

And I've been meditating daily for 6 years. I'm calmer than most people by a long shot. So if it affects me, I can only imagine how it affects others. I also get plenty of breaks.

Most Americans are tired, overworked and overwhelmed. This is even more true for parents. So they hear this gentle parenting nonsense and they basically let their kids run rampant. Now the Gentle Parenting boosters will just say they are doing it wrong, but now that we've moved the barometer to the other side (away from harsh corporal punishment), it's pretty easy for parents to justify to themselves that they are "gentle parenting."

And this stuff is all over parenting culture. It doesn't matter that they are "doing it wrong." They are doing it typically. And hence, we have a society with fewer and fewer regulated kids. Combine that with addictive dopamine machines everywhere and the results aren't pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting.

Ikr? Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly. It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others). They are doing it wrong. It's their fault.

/s

Right. It speaks to defensiveness. I've posted a lot in this thread and the Gentle Parenting boosters keep pointing out that I'm basically in line with their philosophy, but I do give time outs and harsher consequences. Rewards are determined by good behavior too. But I don't yell for the most part, I'm not hitting my kids and I keep myself regulated the vast majority of the time.

But Gentle Parenting is causing problems on a society level. And here's why.

When I was a kid, pediatricians began to recommend no corporal punishment, noting that it often slips into abuse and causes more aggression in kids. Probably a valid point especially the potential for abuse. So parents transitioned to timeouts instead.

And then the pendulum moved all the way in the other direction. Now it wasn't enough to stick to timeouts, now you had to "co-regulate" and "empathize" with your kids constantly, even though people like my 3 year old are completely irrational and telling them that it's ok to cry and scream reinforces crying and screaming. It also limits my ability not to feel angry.

And I've been meditating daily for 6 years. I'm calmer than most people by a long shot. So if it affects me, I can only imagine how it affects others. I also get plenty of breaks.

Most Americans are tired, overworked and overwhelmed. This is even more true for parents. So they hear this gentle parenting nonsense and they basically let their kids run rampant. Now the Gentle Parenting boosters will just say they are doing it wrong, but now that we've moved the barometer to the other side (away from harsh corporal punishment), it's pretty easy for parents to justify to themselves that they are "gentle parenting."

And this stuff is all over parenting culture. It doesn't matter that they are "doing it wrong." They are doing it typically. And hence, we have a society with fewer and fewer regulated kids. Combine that with addictive dopamine machines everywhere and the results aren't pretty.

I have to disagree with this to some extent. Gentle parenting isn't leading to permissiveness. It's the lack of support and exhaustion that does lead to permissiveness. I was doing a good job gentle/authoritative parenting until I had COVID. As a single parent, super sick and no help - I became a permissive parent - not because I'm into respectful authoritative parenting but because I had no support and very few internal resources. Parents don't have enough support in this society, it's exhausting and that exhaustion leads to permissiveness. It does take energy to be a confident, authoritative leader of children. Definitely easier to just let them watch screens all day long then set limits. It's also true that I'm much more likely to yell when I'm exhausted - so there you have it terrible parenting alternating beteween permissiveness and yelling when underresourced - That is not gentle parenting - that is being exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Straightforward expectations, consistency and discipline are the way to go. Confusing kids by giving positive reinforcement when they behave in negative ways destroys them. Set expectations and let them be proud to meet them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this philosophical debate is well and good but when OP needs her own time out in a psych ward, time to change what is going on at home.

How many of us are on antidepressants?

OP spoke of suicidal ideation. Speaks to a woman and family in crisis. But everyone kind of ignored that and acted like we were at book club or something?

OP, you still reading? Hope you are ok.

Get help for yourself, oxygen mask, then get help for your family. What you have been doing is not working for the family system as a whole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting.

Ikr? Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly. It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others). They are doing it wrong. It's their fault.

/s

The poster I was replying to wasn't criticizing gentle parenting, she was criticizing a totally different thing. Maybe you actually don't know what it is either?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t really the fault of any parenting books. There’s nothing in Janet Lansbury that says you should grit your teeth and not tell them how you feel.

What you’re doing is failing to manage your own emotions and not communicating until you explode. That’s not in the books.

Look parenting is hard and we all struggle but just stop reading parenting books, give yourself one less thing to blame. Or just go back to blaming your own parents or whatever.

NP but you sounds like a truly awful person. Maybe take your own advice, and manage your own emotions (guessing discontent and anger) before exploding on some random person on the internet who is struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Even my kids would roll their eyes at this drivel. If your kid has any sort of a brain in their head get ready for a wild ride in their teenage years - they think (know) you’re a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

As opposed to the parent exhibiting zero self regulation and putting the responsibility of her emotions onto her child.

Some of you need to grow tf up.

As opposed to a parenting being a parent and imposing consequences and structures without having to attain some kind of purity of the gentle soul first.

DP but my parenting philosophy is to just follow my instincts, which include letting my kids see that their actions/words/behaviors DO actually have an effect on others, including me. So for behaviors that make me feel upset, I try to remain calm and tell them I’m upset, but if they keep pushing despite this OR the behavior is particularly outrageous, they are going to see me explode. And their fear and discomfort at seeing mommy lose it is the actual natural consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting.

Ikr? Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly. It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others). They are doing it wrong. It's their fault.

/s

I also love the gentle parenting advocate on here with a sample size of one (pre-pubescent) kid gushing about how well it “works”.

I have three kids, a teenager, a tween, and an elementary schooler. They all have inherently different temperaments, and of course puberty can really cause some changes in behavior/attitudes that I seriously doubt these gentle moms are prepared for. If I had tried “gentle parenting” with the oldest he’d probably be in juvie by now, but the younger two are the poster children for how whatever the heck I’m doing clearly “works”. (NB they are just easy-going kids who are incredibly easy to parent. Short of abuse I am confident that they’d be model children regardless of parenting style. The first one not so much…)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Even my kids would roll their eyes at this drivel. If your kid has any sort of a brain in their head get ready for a wild ride in their teenage years - they think (know) you’re a joke.

Seriously. I have to imagine the percentage of kids that this crap is effective with is very very low. Kudos if you have that kid, but most of us don’t.