Giving up on Gentle Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

One technique I learned from gentle parenting was to say nothing. To simple sit calmly near my kid when they were melting down, or to ask if they needed a hug and then say nothing else. Again, this is a gentle parenting technique. No "blather." It's about emotional regulation, it's not about following a script and pretending to be calm when you are actually enraged. At the core of gentle parenting is the idea that your kid can tell when you are angry and frustrated even if you don't tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Fwiw, this is what a regular, traditionally-parented upper elementary kid looks like too. It wasn't gentle parenting that made your kid, it was parenting.

And let's be honest, the way to teach a young child how to deal with big, out of control emotions is not to "aim calm" at them, it's to tell them to control themselves. Possibly in a big way, if necessary. Then they learn to control themselves, and they do it, and big responses are no longer/never necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there something called intuitive parenting, where you don’t read books or blogs, and just set limits for your kids, tell them no when need be, and generally show them you care about them? I don’t care if people do time outs or sticker charts, or not, but I don’t understand feeling like you need to rigidly adhere to some “type” of parenting.

As long as you are consistent from your child's POV. That's the challenge many parents have IMO and hence they turn to these self-help books to help them navigate.

Yep— by my own admission my intuition stinks and the result of my uncertainty can be inconsistency. So— I’ve looked for overarching principles or rules for myself. Some have come from reading about authoritative parenting and some from me just deciding what I think is not ok and what seems like a logical consequence. I actually write down these rules so I can be consistent. I tried gentle parenting until my first was almost 5. He was a brat and I was angry and exhausted. I was gentle until I’d explode at DH or sometimes my son. I’d say we are still recovering from it 5 years later.

This is my problem with it. Gentle parenting requires a level of patience that pushes most parents to the brink and then they occasionally explode, which I’m starting to feel is more damaging than just generally being consistent but exhibiting less empathy and gentleness, which would feel more sustainable. I would like to see Janet Lansbury be consistently gentle and never explode after 3 years of severe sleep deprivation and 24 hours a day with a toddler who demands your attention and cries all day. Gentle parenting should come with a warning that you shouldn’t attempt it in certain circumstances.

Every gentle parenting advocate I've ever read/heard, including Lansbury, would tell you that if you are stressed, sleep deprived, or feel like you are just faking your way through "gentleness" and patience, that you should lean on your support system to *take a break.* No one tells you to just stuff your feelings down and plaster on a smile until you break.

The idea behind gentle parenting is that you do the work to not be so reactive to your kids behavior so that staying calm isn't about white knuckling it until you lose it. It's about feeling confident enough in your parenting and trusting your kid and yourself enough to be able to stay calm and measured even when your kid is not. I think of gentle parenting as "mature" parenting, as in you are mature enough to deal with whatever your kids throw at you.

not everyone has a “support system” they can call on at every moment.

a parenting philosophy that is focused on the mother’s demeanor and feelings (because it is the mom 99% of the time) is extremely regressive.

A parenting philosophy focused on a parent's "demeanor" is regressive? Isn't demeanor just "what a parent does and how they treat their kid"? So literally all parenting philosophies are regressive?

If in your family, the mom is doing 99% of the parenting, then any parenting guidance is regressive because it's only directed at the woman doing all the parenting and not at both parents. This has nothing to do with gentle parenting.

My DH has gotten more out of gentle parenting concepts than I have because he was raised by an extremely angry, volatile father who yelled a lot, and his instinct was to follow in those footsteps, and gentle parenting has offered him options that allow hime to parent in a way that isn't overbearing and violent. I think gentle parenting has also helped my DH to mature more emotionally in general, and to learn to actually acknowledge his feelings and express them (calmly, productively) instead of burying them and pretending they don't exist while letting them come out as rage periodically. I think men generally have more to learn from gentle parenting because they often have more work to do in accepting emotions as normal and inevitable instead of trying to pretend they don't exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Fwiw, this is what a regular, traditionally-parented upper elementary kid looks like too. It wasn't gentle parenting that made your kid, it was parenting.

And let's be honest, the way to teach a young child how to deal with big, out of control emotions is not to "aim calm" at them, it's to tell them to control themselves. Possibly in a big way, if necessary. Then they learn to control themselves, and they do it, and big responses are no longer/never necessary.

My parents parented the way you prefer ("traditional" parenting) and I was compliant as an upper elementary kid but had no idea how to actually manage my own emotions until I was an adult. I would not have been able to calmly articulate a negative emotion at age 9 because children were not allowed to have negative emotions in my home. Because when I was a child and I had a negative emotion, I was told to "control myself" which mean pretend I wasn't having that feeling and shut up. It was not effective but it did make my parents' job temporarily easier because I was afraid of them and therefore learned to give them what they wanted in order to avoid being hit or yelled at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Fwiw, this is what a regular, traditionally-parented upper elementary kid looks like too. It wasn't gentle parenting that made your kid, it was parenting.

And let's be honest, the way to teach a young child how to deal with big, out of control emotions is not to "aim calm" at them, it's to tell them to control themselves. Possibly in a big way, if necessary. Then they learn to control themselves, and they do it, and big responses are no longer/never necessary.

How did you teach your children how to control themselves besides being quiet, not disruptive, holding it in, ignoring the feelings and big emotions?
You do realize that temperament does play a part too...just like some people taste nuance in food while others think beef and pork taste the same so goes feelings/emotional depth. Some people are just unbothered while others may be unable to remove themsevles from a situation.

to me, you are conflating control with restraint when gentle parenting has control=regulation. the external outcome may be the same but the internal work is not.

[Anonymous]

I'm not mad at either parenting style and I don't have strong feelings about time outs, I just find most of the tenants of "gentle parenting" work pretty well and line up with my values.

I just don't think any of this parenting technique stuff is that crucial, ultimately. I'm not sure a parent who might want to be abusive is going to be "fixed" by reading Janet Lansbury. And I don't think someone trying to do Lansbury and struggling with discipline is going to find anything is "fixed" by outbursts or timeouts.

The PP who's the most upset seems to be the one with the daughter with apparently severe separation anxiety such that nannies have quit and she hasn't slept properly in years. Well, guess what, I don't think there's any parenting book that can fix that. Certainly not one targeted at average kids and parents. I definitely don't think time outs would fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been parenting with Janet Lansbury-aspirational, How to Talk to Kids, and Ross Greene (older DC has ADHD.) Spent hours in therapy to try to parent gently. gritted my teeth during the pandemic. they are spoiled, I have lost myself when I’m with them because they fight all the time, and I dread nearly every minute. Trying to survive this long weekend. I have started drinking again and think about suicide. I’m going to try letting them know how I really feel, and laying down the law.

please call 988.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

One technique I learned from gentle parenting was to say nothing. To simple sit calmly near my kid when they were melting down, or to ask if they needed a hug and then say nothing else. Again, this is a gentle parenting technique. No "blather." It's about emotional regulation, it's not about following a script and pretending to be calm when you are actually enraged. At the core of gentle parenting is the idea that your kid can tell when you are angry and frustrated even if you don't tell them.

for the eightieth million time. “gentle parenting” no doubt overlaps with clinical, empirically tested parenting techniques. not talking while a child is actively tantruming and planned ignoring is pretty typical parenting advice. what distinguishes “gentle parenting” from evidence-based practices is that its primary practitioners (eg Lansbury and “Dr Becky”) REJECT practices that are at the core of the gold standard practices like PCIT - time outs, incentive charts with positive rewards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

As opposed to the parent exhibiting zero self regulation and putting the responsibility of her emotions onto her child.

Some of you need to grow tf up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not mad at either parenting style and I don't have strong feelings about time outs, I just find most of the tenants of "gentle parenting" work pretty well and line up with my values.

I just don't think any of this parenting technique stuff is that crucial, ultimately. I'm not sure a parent who might want to be abusive is going to be "fixed" by reading Janet Lansbury. And I don't think someone trying to do Lansbury and struggling with discipline is going to find anything is "fixed" by outbursts or timeouts.

The PP who's the most upset seems to be the one with the daughter with apparently severe separation anxiety such that nannies have quit and she hasn't slept properly in years. Well, guess what, I don't think there's any parenting book that can fix that. Certainly not one targeted at average kids and parents. I definitely don't think time outs would fix it.

yes, good insight. lansbury & “dr becky” are providing pop-parenting advice, worth about as much as you pay for it, and inapplicable to many situations. methods like PCIT were developed via research specifically with difficult situations like abuse or extreme behaviors, and are implemented by actual experts who can adjust based on the needs of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

As opposed to the parent exhibiting zero self regulation and putting the responsibility of her emotions onto her child.

Some of you need to grow tf up.

As opposed to a parenting being a parent and imposing consequences and structures without having to attain some kind of purity of the gentle soul first.

[Anonymous]

All this philosophical debate is well and good but when OP needs her own time out in a psych ward, time to change what is going on at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Fewer words work better for kids than more. All that blather is ineffective.

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child.

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive!

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no.