Reply to Giving up on Gentle Parenting

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way. [/quote]

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.[/quote]

Fewer words work better for kids than more.  All that blather is ineffective.[/quote]

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child. [/quote]

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.[/quote]

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive![/quote]

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no. 
[/quote]

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting. [/quote]

Ikr?  Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly.  It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others).  They are doing it wrong.  It's their fault.

/s[/quote]

DP, but if gentle parenting is "hell" then yes, you are doing it wrong.

People on here saying that gentle parenting means being "dead behind the eyes," letting kids walk all over them, having no boundaries and no discipline... yes, they are doing it wrong. None of that is gentle parenting.

One reason it's called "gentle" is because it's gentle on adults, too. I do gentle parenting because I don't want to be yelling at my kids. I came upon some gentle parenting advice when my kid was 2 and I was finding myself in these "battles of wills" with her, which of course is not what you wanted. I was trying to do authoritative parenting but my 2 year old didn't want to do what I told her to do, and when I would discipline her with timeouts or taking away things she liked, her behavior would escalate. That's when I read about "dysregulation" and started using gentle techniques and I found it helped me get my kid to comply with my boundaries that I set, without yelling, engaging in argument with a 2 year old (no one wants this), or watching her spiral up and out of control.

So... yeah, I do kind of think some of the people who think gentle parenting is just this permissive free for all where parents wait on their children day and night are doing it wrong. That does not sound right to me and I don't know why you would engage in a parenting method like that for literally any length of time?[/quote]

It's pretty easy to never yell or engage in battles of will if you just drop out and let them do what they want. We see these kids out and about in public all the time while their parents stand by meekly gently imploring them to make good choices while the kids are destroying the place.[/quote]

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