Giving up on Gentle Parenting

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting and 123 magic and Time outs are NOT permitted in daycares, centers, any early childcare setting

You gotta let them cry, be angry but not act on it, let them calm by themselves, let them regulate their feelings. Even adults needs a quiet calm space to rest

It's annoying seeing some parents using GP, 123 magic LOL no early educator do that

Childcare resource center advises early educators to not use timeouts, 123 magic

Listen to those who knows about early child development

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting and 123 magic and Time outs are NOT permitted in daycares, centers, any early childcare setting

You gotta let them cry, be angry but not act on it, let them calm by themselves, let them regulate their feelings. Even adults needs a quiet calm space to rest

It's annoying seeing some parents using GP, 123 magic LOL no early educator do that

Childcare resource center advises early educators to not use timeouts, 123 magic

Listen to those who knows about early child development

Is this not… a timeout? And what do early educators use if none of these things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is OP. thanks to everyone for your thoughts. I’m watching the ADHD Dude webinars and I have noticed a difference in implementing how I talk to my older child: if I say, “you need to get your [instrument] down from your room now,” that works a lot better than me saying, “it would help me if you could get your [instrument] from your room in the next 5 minutes.” So thank you especially to the person who suggested ADHD Dude, although I am aware I’m clearly someone in search of a parenting guru. PPs who said that people pulled to gentle parenting might be people who were abused themselves by their parents, and seeking desperately to avoid repeating that were spot on for me.

I told my doctor and my husband about my level of drinking, and have an appointment with a therapist next week. I don’t know if I can become sober again and learn a new parenting style at the same time. I do want to become sober, but drinking makes me feel safe.

Anyway, good luck to all the parents out there.

Hi OP. I’m so glad you got something out of this thread and have talked to people about your drinking. Wishing you and your family all the best; I hope things will work out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting and 123 magic and Time outs are NOT permitted in daycares, centers, any early childcare setting

You gotta let them cry, be angry but not act on it, let them calm by themselves, let them regulate their feelings. Even adults needs a quiet calm space to rest

It's annoying seeing some parents using GP, 123 magic LOL no early educator do that

Childcare resource center advises early educators to not use timeouts, 123 magic

Listen to those who knows about early child development

Are you trying to say that daycare kids are better socialized than kids at home with a caregiver? They generally are similarly socialized but no one says they are better socialized.

That's new.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way.

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.

Even my kids would roll their eyes at this drivel. If your kid has any sort of a brain in their head get ready for a wild ride in their teenage years - they think (know) you’re a joke.

Seriously. I have to imagine the percentage of kids that this crap is effective with is very very low. Kudos if you have that kid, but most of us don’t.

A comment like that is for a 2 or 3 year old, genius. It sounds facile because it's meant to explain what is happening to a child do you g they genuinely have no idea what is happening.

This is very standard parenting advice for toddlers. Of course a 13 year old would roll their eyes at it. That doesn't mean it doesn't work on very young kids (it does, I did it).

Ha! You clearly never met my (now 13 year old) kid when he was 2 or 3. He would certainly have viewed a comment like this as an invitation to walk all over me. (Rightly so, IMO)

His younger siblings would never have heard such a comment because neither of them ever “struggled to not hit” in the first place. I guess that means my way works even better.

Same here. My 3 yo DS was tough. He probably would have laughed at “I see you are struggling to not hit”. Such ridiculousness.

The point is just to make sure you connect the consequence to the action. So it’s not quite: you hit and now I am mad and punishing you. It’s more: you hit and this is the support I’m imposing on you to help you stop doing it. We’re sort of like their annoying boss. It’s all a personal improvement plan.

The difference is small but I swear it works on my preschool kid. I think the main thing is it helps her see me as still her ally in some important way even when I’m laying down the parenting law. She doesn’t always avail herself of having an ally, but sometimes she does.

I also swear that describing her feelings was MAGIC in the barely verbal phase. Sometimes kids really do need to feel heard. Saying “wow you’re really mad that your stick broke” feels awkward but a lot of times it really helped.

Listen, I am truly glad that your parenting technique is working out so well for you and and your child.

However, what I and some other posters are commenting on is your “struggle” to avoid sanctimoniousness based on your apparent “success” with your sample size of one. We are trying to help you understand that all children are different, and your gentle style will certainly not be effective on all of them. (Probably not even most of them.) And it is quite likely that if you have a child for whom this strategy “works” you could probably use almost any parenting strategy with that child and have it “work” (because you have an easy child). I’m happy for you, but you’re not God’s gift to parenting.

Well, I didn’t say any of that. I just said that gentle parenting can work well. Maybe my kid would also be fine with spankings and time outs but that equally wouldn’t work on all kids. There’s no reason to be so nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting and 123 magic and Time outs are NOT permitted in daycares, centers, any early childcare setting

You gotta let them cry, be angry but not act on it, let them calm by themselves, let them regulate their feelings. Even adults needs a quiet calm space to rest

It's annoying seeing some parents using GP, 123 magic LOL no early educator do that

Childcare resource center advises early educators to not use timeouts, 123 magic

Listen to those who knows about early child development

Just read the first and last pages of this thread so maybe this was addressed, but the above statement is not true. My kids' preschool uses 123 Magic and literally handed out the book to all families. And we found with that same consistent framework at home and at school, behaviors improved.

123 as they taught it in a parent meeting is not negotiating, though. It's very clear limits. It just takes the emotion out of the boundary setting and gives kids a warning before the consequence, allowing them to practice regulating.

And time outs in various forms are very common across child centers.

[Anonymous]

Child care resource center tells them to not use timeouts or 123 magic

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting is for lazy people and likes spoiling their kids

Dicipline your kids. It's common sense. My mom was a drunk I did not become one.
We don't always turn like them.

If a kid is crying, crying, asks for meth, will you give him? No.
You dicipline them. No larlo, you can't have that. Cry if you want, that's ok.
Feel your emotions, you can be angry but not act on it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is for lazy people and likes spoiling their kids

Dicipline your kids. It's common sense. My mom was a drunk I did not become one.
We don't always turn like them.

If a kid is crying, crying, asks for meth, will you give him? No.
You dicipline them. No larlo, you can't have that. Cry if you want, that's ok.
Feel your emotions, you can be angry but not act on it

+1

People who choose not to discipline their children are strange. Maybe they had a bad childhood but that doesn't mean they need to give their children a different kind of bad childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting and 123 magic and Time outs are NOT permitted in daycares, centers, any early childcare setting

You gotta let them cry, be angry but not act on it, let them calm by themselves, let them regulate their feelings. Even adults needs a quiet calm space to rest

It's annoying seeing some parents using GP, 123 magic LOL no early educator do that

Childcare resource center advises early educators to not use timeouts, 123 magic

Listen to those who knows about early child development

You gotta let them cry -- agreed, this is actually a fundamental concept behind gentle parenting, learning to let kids cry and be upset. That's part of the gentleness, the idea that you can feel your feelings and no one is going to scream at you "don't cry!" or "I'm sick of your whining!" You can get your kid to comply with rules without requiring them to act like they love all the rules or don't have negative feelings about it.

Be angry but not act on in -- literally, gentle parenting. Of course you get mad at your kids or at a situation. But gentle parenting says you need to be emotional mature enough to work through that anger without yelling or hitting. This serves two purposes. One, because yelling and hitting aren not effective (I also think they are abusive but don't want to get into an argument about that -- the truth is they just don't work). But two, because seeing you get mad, work through it without acting on it, and then move on, serves as a powerful teaching tool to a child who is watching and imitating everything you do. Being angry but not acting on it is one of the best things you can do for your kid because it gives them a model to follow when they get angry, which they will.

Let them calm by themselves -- this is the only one from you list that I think has a caveat, but I think it illustrates the difference between a daycare/preschool setting and home. Yes, kids have to learn how to calm themselves and it's important for caregivers to give them space to do that and not always swoop in to try and manage their emotions (I think this is where I lot of people go wrong with gentle parenting, is thinking it means you need to make sure your kid is never unhappy about anything, but that's not actually gentle parenting). But I think parents do have to give more comfort than a daycare worker would, especially for kids at daycare age, because they are setting the groundwork for a lifelong relationship where they ideally want their kids to come to them with problems in the future. So yes, give space for calming themselves, but I think parents have to be a bit more involved and present with kids when they are upset so that kids learn they are not totally on their own moving forward. A daycare worker can take a more detached approach and that is totally fine because it's a more public setting and the child will learn how to handle a setting like that. A home is not a public setting and that level of detachment could make a child feel abandoned by a parent, especially at an age like 2 or 3. Older kids usually need (and often demand) more space to be alone and work through emotions, because they are also better at doing it.

Let them regulate their feelings -- yup, this is the whole goal of gentle parenting, to teach kids how to regulate emotion, through modeling and showing them that emotions are not scary or unmanageable, but normal and tend to resolve on their own.

Even adults need a quiet calm place to rest -- yes, exactly, adults do better in calm environments and when they get plenty of quiet and rest. The is precisely the appeal of gentle parenting which seeks to create a gentle, calm home environment where there is not a ton of conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is for lazy people and likes spoiling their kids

Dicipline your kids. It's common sense. My mom was a drunk I did not become one.
We don't always turn like them.

If a kid is crying, crying, asks for meth, will you give him? No.
You dicipline them. No larlo, you can't have that. Cry if you want, that's ok.
Feel your emotions, you can be angry but not act on it

Uh, whose child is crying for meth?!

Anyway, I think kids need boundaries and limits. They need to hear "no, you cannot do that" or "no, I can't let you do that." They don't know much and are new at everything and they need someone to guide them which obviously means "no."

I believe in discipline when a child has violated a known rule on purpose. I get confused on this thread and elsewhere when people talk about discipline in situations where kids are just crying or whining. Like yes I will discipline my child for being rude to me or refusing to clean up after herself or misbehaving at school. But I don't discipline her for just crying or being upset, or even for being whiny or annoying. I might "redirect" (that's a gentle parenting word) when she whines, and in some cases if she is crying or upset I might let her be alone with it for a bit and not necessarily sit there validating or whatever. But I don't punish her. That stuff is just being human, expressing emotions. Kids cry. I feel like a lot of people on this thread just want to be able to yell at kids to stop them crying and that's going to backfire in the long run, IMO.

[Anonymous]

I did think Janet Lansbury kind of droned on about giving kids meth tbh. Like I get it, respect their choices etc. Offer meth and cocaine and let them pick. But honestly I feel like cocaine would be better from a college admissions standpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did think Janet Lansbury kind of droned on about giving kids meth tbh. Like I get it, respect their choices etc. Offer meth and cocaine and let them pick. But honestly I feel like cocaine would be better from a college admissions standpoint.

Comment of the thread!

[Anonymous]

I can't stop laughing about the meth comment. Especially when you know that gentle parenting is mostly aimed at parents of toddlers and preschoolers. It perfectly embodies who people misunderstand gentle parenting.

Because honestly, if your 4 year old is crying and crying for meth, I actually feel like gentle parenting is your go-to there. First, do they know what meth is? I feel like the don't, so maybe start by educating them, explain what meth is, how it impacts people, they'll probably lose interest. Classic "redirection" technique.

But okay, let's say the 4 year old know what meth is and is hooked on meth. The PP says "discipline them." But no? That doesn't sound right. I mean what I'd suggest there is take them to a physician? I don't think taking away screen time or putting them in time out is going to resolve the meth addiction.

Also, someone on meth isn't going to link cause and effect very well. Maybe later, after they are no longer on meth, you can sit down and discuss some consequences for them taking meth after you presumably (?) told them not to, and also discuss how you will do a better job as their parent to keep them from accessing meth. This is called "mutual accountability" and is also a gentle parenting method.

Actually "4 year old on meth" is not a terrible analogy for "4 year old having a meltdown" because other than the involvement of CPS, the 4 year old has about the same ability to reason through right and wrong in those situations. Part of gentle parenting is recognizing that when a kid is in the middle of a melt down, it's not the best time to lecture/yell/punish, because they are not thinking clearly and will just react. So instead you provide calm (gentleness) to help them regulate, and THEN when they are in a regulated place, you have a conversation about consequences or how to handle a similar situation in the future. Kind of like how meth addicts have to get off meth before doing their court-demanded therapy and community service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is for lazy people and likes spoiling their kids

Dicipline your kids. It's common sense. My mom was a drunk I did not become one.
We don't always turn like them.

If a kid is crying, crying, asks for meth, will you give him? No.
You dicipline them. No larlo, you can't have that. Cry if you want, that's ok.
Feel your emotions, you can be angry but not act on it

+1

People who choose not to discipline their children are strange. Maybe they had a bad childhood but that doesn't mean they need to give their children a different kind of bad childhood.

Lol are you saying rich families who spoiled their kids to be rapists and get away with it like trump, those kids suffered trauma?

Having too much things, too much toys can be trauma to a kid 😂🤣🤣