Giving up on Gentle Parenting

[Anonymous]

Just sending hugs. You are not alone, and you are trying so hard to do right with your kids. Meaning this in a genuine, sincere way -- gently parent yourself.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I am a big fan of Janet Lansbury and she's pretty big on firm boundaries, and self-care for parents.

I think people misinterpret this type of parenting all the time.

Anyway, OP, this is an oxygen mask type of situation. Talk to your spouse, stat, and figure out what you need in the short-term to get immediate help.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD mom of two neurodivergent kids here. Gentle parenting does not work for my kids. Dr Becky and Janet Lansbury can go eff themselves. They would not last a day in my house before my 3 year would have a tantrum and try biting them, ripping out their hair, and head butting them in the face.

Suggest you move this to the special needs parenting forum because parents of neurotypical kids just have no clue about how hard it is. Solidarity, OP.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I am a big fan of Janet Lansbury and she's pretty big on firm boundaries, and self-care for parents.

I think people misinterpret this type of parenting all the time.

Anyway, OP, this is an oxygen mask type of situation. Talk to your spouse, stat, and figure out what you need in the short-term to get immediate help.

Hang in there.

Yeah. I think a lot of people are confused about the point of gentle parenting. The goal is to regulate your own emotions so you are a safe space for your kid, not to completely forgo discipline or consequences. If you "can't do" gentle parenting because you can't stop blowing up at your kids that's a problem.

[Anonymous]

gentle parenting =/= no boundaries and spoiled kids.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting is bs.

Our nanny sets boundaries, isn't afraid and taught good manners to our kids.

Many parents needs to learn to discipline their kids
Stop spoiling them, teach good manners

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gentle parenting is bs.

Our nanny sets boundaries, isn't afraid and taught good manners to our kids.

Many parents needs to learn to discipline their kids
Stop spoiling them, teach good manners

Omg is this satire? You aren't in charge of instilling boundaries and manners into your own children? I'll pass on the parenting advice given by someone who doesn't even parent their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids with ADHD and a DH who may have ADHD. It's hard but not that hard - I've trained horses and dogs for years and a lot of the training ideas transfer. Have a goal, break down the smaller steps needed to get there. Require good manners and safety.

OP, if they are bugging each other or fighting, then tell them what to do (walk on either side of you), give them something to focus on (count the mailboxes, run to the next driveway, whatever), and correct bad behavior (no hitting, touching your brother means losing screen time or a toy or something). Use your mom voice/teacher voice/drill sergeant voice. Training requires consistency and persistence. You can do this.

Ha! Yes. This.

I just randomly watched an episode of South Park yesterday. Cartman was out of control (of course) and Cartman's mom brought in a variety of child experts for behavioral help. The only expert who was able to help was the Dog Whisperer. The Dog Whisperer helped immensely but in the end, Cartman reverted back to his bad ways because his mom was enabling and babying him.

My teen likes South Park. I'm not a huge fun but, ugh, there is truth there at times.

Ha ha I need to watch that episode.

[Anonymous]

I think the gentle parenting trend came out a genuine desire to go the opposite way from our parents, who often failed at acknowledging that kids are humans with feelings and preferences. We swung the pendulum really far. Now, it's clear that kids are humans but they still need the structure and rules from their parents while being allowed to make choices. I suspect we will swing back towards the middle soon.

[Anonymous]

Serious question: is there any research showing that gentle parenting works? OP please let go of thinking you have to parent this way and give yourself the freedom to figure out what works for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Gentle parenting basically just means no yelling, no hitting, no time outs. It promotes saying no, physically removing children from situations that are dangerous or when they refuse to comply, physically forcing them to do certain things (they won’t put shoes on, you put them on for them). The whole point is if you face very firm boundaries and expectations you won’t need to yell or punish. I don’t know whether that’s true, but that’s the point.

It does not mean negotiating. In fact, Lansbury specifically says not to do that.

I think it’s super hard for two reasons. One, I find staying calm and patient with hundreds of toddler tantrums a day really hard. Two, you have no leverage or punishment, so you have zero in-the-moment tools for stopping bad behavior aside from physical removal, which is hard or impossible when your child physically resists. Gentle parenting is a long game that assumes that over time your kids will learn your boundaries and comply, eliminating the need to act out and push back.

It’s not working for me, but it’s worth mentioning it’s really not about being permissive or arguing with your kids. Quite the opposite.

[Anonymous]

I started watching old episodes of super nanny with my kids. Then we started implementing some of the techniques. I think my kids watching other kids really misbehaving made them more aware. We have backyard camera and I too the video we watched them fighting.

It seems crazy but it really helped us to set limits and for the kids to understand we could make changes as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started watching old episodes of super nanny with my kids. Then we started implementing some of the techniques. I think my kids watching other kids really misbehaving made them more aware. We have backyard camera and I too the video we watched them fighting.

It seems crazy but it really helped us to set limits and for the kids to understand we could make changes as a family.

Supernanny is gentle parenting. Does she yell at, belittle or hit the kids? No. That's gentle parenting.

[Anonymous]

Very similar here op. I often feel like parents have set themselves on fire with gentle parenting. It’s stressful, depressing and unenjoyable. We just stopped doing it. There are now consequences and consequences are immediate. When I yell (not with passion or extreme) they listen and immediately stop. Before I would talk to them, redirect them and plead with them to no effect.

Something that’s been helpful with my fighting older 2 is to find ways to make them a “team”. We play games and they’re on the same side. I have rewards (like dessert or a movie) that they only get when they join in a joint goal together. They still fight, but they really can be a good team now. Or I say things like “you only get x if both of you agree. If one of you disagrees, neither will get anything.” They know I’ll do it too so they quickly huddle together and come to a decision.

I am sick of poorly behaved kids everywhere. We need a hero out there who can stop this madness. All the parents I know who love gentle parenting have atrocious kids. And they constantly sing its praises as their kids basically mutiny and swing from the chandeliers. My friends with well behaved kids never mention gentle parenting. I know they don’t spank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I started watching old episodes of super nanny with my kids. Then we started implementing some of the techniques. I think my kids watching other kids really misbehaving made them more aware. We have backyard camera and I too the video we watched them fighting.

It seems crazy but it really helped us to set limits and for the kids to understand we could make changes as a family.

Supernanny is gentle parenting. Does she yell at, belittle or hit the kids? No. That's gentle parenting.

Np. I disagree. She’s authoritative. She’s not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would have let those kids co sleep because they needed it versus how she walks kids back to bed. I can just hear dr Becky saying that kids will learn to sttn when they’re ready.