Reply to Giving up on Gentle Parenting

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]And what if you don’t have anyone to give you a break? Like millions of parents?

It’s not my situation but it’s the reality for many. I’d say it’s the norm.

So we can do this exhausting dance of parenting or we can the time out. Timeout all the way. [/quote]

Yes, and this is why a lot of parents hit their kids or scream at them to get them to comply with behavioral expectations. Because they are stretched too thin, have no support, and have no idea what else to do.

Also I don't know where you guys are getting that time outs are against gentle parenting. Gentle parenting would frown on yelling at a kid "go to your room!" after misbehavior. But a parent saying "okay I can see you are struggling not to hit right now, I'm going to put you in your room where you can't hurt anyone until you are ready to stop hitting" would be in line with gentle parenting.[/quote]

Fewer words work better for kids than more.  All that blather is ineffective.[/quote]

the “blather” is actually the core of the philosophy. they believe that a set of magical words (that must be said with the correct emotion) will teach the child. [/quote]

This is incorrect, and it's how I know you don't understand the approach.

The biggest thing I learned about gentle parenting with my toddler is the concept of "co-regulation" in which kids learn how to regulate their emotions by being in tune with a parent who knows how to regulate their emotions. So the specific words you say are actually not that important. The important thing is projecting calm and helping kids to see that having a big emotion, failing at something, getting frustrated, etc., are all things you can do without melting down. And the learn this by watching their parents calmly accept these things with mature, regulated emotion.

It's the same with time outs. It's not that it's wrong to have a kid take a break, or to restrict a kid's space or movement until they can stop yelling/hitting/throwing. It's that HOW you do it matters. You can use timeouts while also doing gentle parenting. But not if you are issuing timeouts by screaming at kids, matching their upset with your own big, out of control emotions.

Gentle parenting is all about regulating your own emotions so that kids learn to regulate theirs. My toddler is now an upper elementary kid and can confidently say the approach works -- my kid is mature, a good communicator, can deal with negative emotions without engaging in aggressive or counterproductive behavior. It might not work for all kids but it worked for mine.[/quote]

Right, it’s a parenting method that depends on a woman controlling her own emotions and expressing them only in a specifically approved way. So regressive![/quote]

That basically sums up how I feel about it. It's hell for parents. I think it's not helpful for kids to see their moms who are basically dead behind the eyes and emotionless. I have wanted to be more like Michelle Duggar who doesn't seem to care at all that kids are running amuck, but I just can't raise my kids in a barn.

I just firmly believe in authoritative parenting. Firm boundaries and within those there's love and fun. We don't spank, but I also tell my kids no. I watch Dr. Becky all the time. We can't redirect our kids away from things like jumping on couches. IMO that requires discipline. My good friend gentle parents and when her kids jump on my couch, she just laughs, shrugs and says "oh we don't believe in having nice furniture." As if it's my fault for having a tempting couch. Gentle parenting does work for probably half the kids out there, but the wild kids? Yeah they need more than gentle parenting. They obviously aren't learning not to jump on a couch from osmosis. Maybe a 1 year old needs redirected, but even a 2 year old knows not to jump on a couch after being told no. 
[/quote]

Another person who doesn't understand gentle parenting. [/quote]

Ikr?  Anyone who criticizes gentle parenting just isn't doing it properly.  It's their fault it's hell for them (and for others).  They are doing it wrong.  It's their fault.

/s[/quote]

Right. It speaks to defensiveness. I've posted a lot in this thread and the Gentle Parenting boosters keep pointing out that I'm basically in line with their philosophy, but I do give time outs and harsher consequences. Rewards are determined by good behavior too. But I don't yell for the most part, I'm not hitting my kids and I keep myself regulated the vast majority of the time.

But Gentle Parenting is causing problems on a society level. And here's why.

When I was a kid, pediatricians began to recommend no corporal punishment, noting that it often slips into abuse and causes more aggression in kids. Probably a valid point especially the potential for abuse. So parents transitioned to timeouts instead.

And then the pendulum moved all the way in the other direction. Now it wasn't enough to stick to timeouts, now you had to "co-regulate" and "empathize" with your kids constantly, even though people like my 3 year old are completely irrational and telling them that it's ok to cry and scream reinforces crying and screaming. It also limits my ability not to feel angry.

And I've been meditating daily for 6 years. I'm calmer than most people by a long shot. So if it affects me, I can only imagine how it affects others. I also get plenty of breaks.

Most Americans are tired, overworked and overwhelmed. This is even more true for parents. So they hear this gentle parenting nonsense and they basically let their kids run rampant. Now the Gentle Parenting boosters will just say they are doing it wrong, but now that we've moved the barometer to the other side (away from harsh corporal punishment), it's pretty easy for parents to justify to themselves that they are "gentle parenting."

And this stuff is all over parenting culture. It doesn't matter that they are "doing it wrong." They are doing it typically. And hence, we have a society with fewer and fewer regulated kids. Combine that with addictive dopamine machines everywhere and the results aren't pretty. [/quote]

I have to disagree with this to some extent.  Gentle parenting isn't leading to permissiveness.  It's the lack of support and exhaustion that does lead to permissiveness.   I was doing a good job gentle/authoritative parenting until I had COVID. As a single parent, super sick and no help - I became a permissive parent - not because I'm into respectful authoritative parenting but because I had no support and very few internal resources.    Parents don't have enough support in this society, it's exhausting and that exhaustion leads to permissiveness. It does take energy to be a confident, authoritative leader of children.  Definitely easier to just let them watch screens all day long then set limits.   It's also true that I'm much more likely to yell when I'm exhausted - so there you have it terrible parenting alternating beteween  permissiveness and yelling when underresourced - That is not gentle parenting - that is being exhausted.  [/quote]

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