I hate where we live.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP, I know how it feels. I used to live in Texas and I hated it. We moved to DC and I love it. However, I don’t have everything that you may think that you need. I live in a condo in the city. We are willing to sacrifice space for location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.

The thing is, on this board, the people who hate it here often frame it as attacks on the people who live here. The comments are things like "everyone here wants to use you for something," "places like DC are full of jerks," "no one cares about anyone but themselves." This OP isn't doing that, but when your starting premise is "I hate here because y'all are all jerks" don't be surprised when people act like you just called them a jerk, because you did.

DP here. Except that you think it's all about you - no one is calling you as a person out when they say "I don't like it here".

If the locals ask for examples, but then don't approve of the examples, you are showing reason why people don't like it here, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the locals who try to point the finger back at OP (gaslight).

I don't care if people move or don't like it here. It's not big deal to me.

I'm just saying if you go on to a thread full of people from the DC area and say "everyone here is a jerk" (which happens whenever we have these threads) don't act surprised when people are offended by that. If you went to the rural Southern town I'm from and said "I hate it here, the people are dumb and there's meth everywhere" (the complaints I hear from friends back home) people would get upset.

Except OP said nothing about the people here. She was looking for empathy, tips from those who had been in similar situations.

Instead a bunch of people told her she needs therapy. She’s the problem.

You point is valid but some of these posters here show themselves as jerks without OP having to call them that.

[Anonymous]

"I love him and my kids so much… but I don’t know how I’m going to keep living in this area with no end in sight."

Have you said this to him? You said a lot of stuff in your OP. Have you said those things to him also? I can understand him being upset, but I think any loving partner would not want their partner to be this miserable. I'm not saying he should have to agree to move away; I'm saying that he should be sympathetic and open to working on a solution with you, something that can make you both happy as much as possible. Someone will probably end up getting the short end of the stick but feeling heard and knowing that the other person really cares can go a long way.

If he's just angry and not willing even to discuss options, I'd be pissed and probably end up resentful. I don't know how long I could live like that.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

As a long time reader of this board, there is sadly a lot of truth to this. I know friends who left Chicago (weather, issue with public schools), deep south (weather, lack of culture), NYC (too expensive). When they were contemplating the relocation their local community were by and large understanding/sympathetic. They recognize no place is perfect. But on this board? Any time you there is a "I hate it here and want to leave" you are told you are the problem. Go get therapy.

The thing is, on this board, the people who hate it here often frame it as attacks on the people who live here. The comments are things like "everyone here wants to use you for something," "places like DC are full of jerks," "no one cares about anyone but themselves." This OP isn't doing that, but when your starting premise is "I hate here because y'all are all jerks" don't be surprised when people act like you just called them a jerk, because you did.

DP here. Except that you think it's all about you - no one is calling you as a person out when they say "I don't like it here".

If the locals ask for examples, but then don't approve of the examples, you are showing reason why people don't like it here, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for the locals who try to point the finger back at OP (gaslight).

I don't care if people move or don't like it here. It's not big deal to me.

I'm just saying if you go on to a thread full of people from the DC area and say "everyone here is a jerk" (which happens whenever we have these threads) don't act surprised when people are offended by that. If you went to the rural Southern town I'm from and said "I hate it here, the people are dumb and there's meth everywhere" (the complaints I hear from friends back home) people would get upset.

Except OP said nothing about the people here. She was looking for empathy, tips from those who had been in similar situations.

Instead a bunch of people told her she needs therapy. She’s the problem.

You point is valid but some of these posters here show themselves as jerks without OP having to call them that.

That's why I said "This OP isn't doing that" in my first comment. I'm talking about the general dynamics of this topic on this board (as was the comment I was replying to) not this particular post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.

Sometimes geographic solutions work better than pills so dont really agree with you there.

[Anonymous]

OP, what don't you like about living here? Is it that you affirmatively dislike the DC area? Or just that you would like to be closer your hometown?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Until you can relocate work on finding happiness here. It can’t all be location based. Go see your family if you’re homesick. Fill the cup. Find ways to connect from afar AND how to ground yourself here. Fixating on what you don’t have will make everything worse.

I really hate this phrase, because place matters. I’ve lived in two places that I really didn’t like and once I moved it made a huge difference, it was like a weight was taken off my shoulders.

And what of the rest of this post? Being active in finding what is working until you can relocate. Moving can be part of the solution, internal work is often what needs to happen before you get to that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what don't you like about living here? Is it that you affirmatively dislike the DC area? Or just that you would like to be closer your hometown?

It sounds like she wants to be closer to her friends and family and someone she really cares about is very sick, so she wants to live near them.

[Anonymous]

So many of us are trapped by jobs and other things. I agree. The DMV sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moved here 25 years ago, girlfriend joined me, became my wife and we have 3 kids. She’s hated Alexandria since 2003 and never lets me forget it. Either move or keep cheerful but don’t complain about it every 72 hours.

Life in your town has gone on without you and your absence has been filled, friends and family have new responsibilities and tighter social circles, your return to Pottersville may not be what you were expecting.
What you may really be missing is being childless and 27.

You've put up with your spouses griping for 25 years? Sit her down and gently but firmly say, "I love you but you need to stop whining about this. Make the best of it or don't. If you really hate it here, there's the door. Don't let it hit you on the rear end on your way out."

I bet that if he would actually let her and the 3 kids go, they would be out the door.

As it is, he’s using the kids to trap her into staying with him.

No, she couldn't just take the kids with her. You're missing the point that these sorts of conflicts aren't really about where they live at all. That's just a symptom of the overall relationship dysfunction and inability to resolve conflicts. PP says he has listened to his wife complain about it for 25 years, but he doesn't want to move. The issue needs to be resolved one way or the other. She needs to stop complaining, or he needs to learn to accept her complaining as the cost of not moving. But him complaining about her complaining is pointless

I don’t leverage the kids to stay in NoVa; our situation is unique because I sort of have a tiger by the tail and that tiger provides us an incredible life. That same tiger is was raised in northern Virginia and would not do well in southern Florida- in fact it would die.
I really like new places and I would move but I don’t want to be poor and my DW definitely doesn’t what to be poor. Life is wonderful here and the reasons for not leaving are many, so don’t complain when you see Florida on TV.

It sounds like you don’t think that your wife actually wants to move.
If that’s true, what’s the harm on entertaining the idea or calling her bluff when she brings it up?
Say, “OK. Where do you want to live? Let’s look at jobs that are available, see what kind of income we would have, see what kind of house that would buy us…”. In one afternoon, you could have saved 20 years of strife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many of us are trapped by jobs and other things. I agree. The DMV sucks.

When you use this kind of language you are disempowering yourself. You are assigning control of your life and future to externalities. When people do this except in truly extreme situations, it is so they can disclaim ownership of their own life.

If you were truly trapped would you be passively sitting there whining about it? No you would be fighting with all your resources to break free of the trap.

Where you are now is a combination of your prior choices in life and a bunch of random stuff beyond your control. Where you will be tomorrow, next year, and after that is also a combination of your future choices and future random stuff beyond your control.

The only way out of your mental trap is to take ownership of your life. You are not trapped. You have free choice. Getting to a better place may require a lot of hard work and numerous sacrifices and there still isn't any guarantee you will get what you want. You are no different from anyone else.

DMV does not "suck."

YOU suck.

Suck less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I feel the same, OP. I thought I'd feel more settled here in the DC area after having kids, but that hasn't panned out. It feels just as transitory and transactional as it always has--maybe even more so post-pandemic. All but one of my friends has moved away over the years. My kids' friends and classmates move away continually or change schools at the drop of a hat. It feels unstable and unfulfilling. I don't expect the same childhood experience for my kids that I had in suburbia, but it would be nice to have a middle ground--a place with a good combination of lifers and newer residents, where people view their community as their home rather than some temporary stopping point, where random encounters with the public are at least civil, where there isn't such scarcity of resources/high demand for kid-related activities that try-outs or registration requires strategic, long-term planning and ends up resembling the Hunger Games. I'm Type A and even I can no longer tolerate all of the other Type A jerks around here. I'm not even going to go down the rabbit hole of rising crime and the cost of living.

I WANT to like it here. There are so many reasons to like the DC area in theory. And I did very much like it at one point. The issues that bother me now didn't bother me as much in years past I guess. On a daily basis, it's rarely enjoyable anymore and it's becoming difficult to tolerate. But I feel somewhat stuck for a variety of reasons, including the fact that I don't like change even if I think I'd like to drop everything and move across the country.

The transient nature of this area is a major reason I'm unhappy as well. Between that and the high cost of living, it can just be hard to feel settled here.

My DD's closest friend and her family (who we were all close to and spent a lot of time socializing with) moved away last year and it's been really hard. One thing I recently realized is that I think that experience has actually shifted how I think about other friends and meeting new people. I mentally prepare myself for anyone to leave, because they might. I know so many people who talk about it as a possibility, especially due to school issues (we live in DC and so many people struggle with MS/HS here) or cost of living. Plus now crime is a big factor.

And the more you get used to the idea that anyone around you might announce they are leaving tomorrow, the harder it is to feel invested in this area. I have felt my own desire to move mounting over the years and with these friends moving away, I think it pushed it over the edge.

Someone upthread talked about poverty being contagious and that might be true. But in DC, being transient and not really committed to a place is contagious too. Once you've said goodbye to enough friends you start to wonder what the point is in staying.

See I feel for you but at the same time I kind of don’t. I am a lifer. My family is from here and no where else in the world. Just here. I didn’t experience all these people leaving. Sure after high school people did but growing up that wasn’t super common. There are a LOT of people that have been here our whole lives. I feel like transplants hang out with other transplants and ultimately experience this. If you branched out and met people that are from here or have lived here for decades you wouldn’t feel like this. Growing up at my church there were transplants that left later on in life for retirement but they are still connected because they aligned themselves to a community that is from here. So they always feel this is their home base. They come back and church is still here, people still live on the same street, etc. if you aren’t from here you need to find communities like this. Because I can tell you there are soooo many black, white, Hispanic, Asian

I mean, you have lived here your whole life so you don't understand what it's like to be a transplant. Yes transplants tend to hang out with other transplants, but that's not because we don't want to hang out with lifers, it's because it's harder to start friendships with people who already have their whole family plus a bunch of friends from living here for 20+ years. I have a handful of friends who are lifers and I don't know them as well or see them as much because they already have lots of other people in their lives.

Also, a number of the DMV natives I have known over the years have moved away. My two closest friends from grad school were from DC and the close in Maryland suburbs, and they now live in NYC and Boston. It's not like transplants are the only people who move away from here. There are lots of people who grow up here, go to school here, even get married or start families here, but then move away for work or other reasons.

I'm not religious so joining a church doesn't make sense for me but I can see how that would help people find more community.

You are basically lecturing me for not being from here. Well, I can't change that. If the key to happiness in DC is "be from here" well, maybe I really should move.

+1

Well said. DP here. I know people who are from here who either have no long term friends, or short term superficial friends. I do find people from the DMV tend to be more superficial and judgy than other groups - less open and looking for a fight, as some of the PP's. It seems the locals are the group that needs to practice more gratitude and inclusivity.

I have moved a lot (6 different schools between K-12) and then out of state for college and again for grad school then another city for work and finally the DC area. I really don’t feel like people are all that different here. I’ve kept in touch with friends from all over and go visit them, and there’s a mix of people wherever you go.

I think homesickness is behind a lot of the hating on people in this area. Yes, there are jerks here like anywhere with maybe a little bit of regional flair, but I’ve also made a lot of really nice friends here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of us are trapped by jobs and other things. I agree. The DMV sucks.

When you use this kind of language you are disempowering yourself. You are assigning control of your life and future to externalities. When people do this except in truly extreme situations, it is so they can disclaim ownership of their own life.

If you were truly trapped would you be passively sitting there whining about it? No you would be fighting with all your resources to break free of the trap.

Where you are now is a combination of your prior choices in life and a bunch of random stuff beyond your control. Where you will be tomorrow, next year, and after that is also a combination of your future choices and future random stuff beyond your control.

The only way out of your mental trap is to take ownership of your life. You are not trapped. You have free choice. Getting to a better place may require a lot of hard work and numerous sacrifices and there still isn't any guarantee you will get what you want. You are no different from anyone else.

DMV does not "suck."

YOU suck.

Suck less.

Is that what your therapist told you so you would sleep better at night? Well, I feel better now that a random stranger on an anonymous message board quoted Stuart Smalley to me.
The DMV sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moved here 25 years ago, girlfriend joined me, became my wife and we have 3 kids. She’s hated Alexandria since 2003 and never lets me forget it. Either move or keep cheerful but don’t complain about it every 72 hours.

Life in your town has gone on without you and your absence has been filled, friends and family have new responsibilities and tighter social circles, your return to Pottersville may not be what you were expecting.
What you may really be missing is being childless and 27.

You've put up with your spouses griping for 25 years? Sit her down and gently but firmly say, "I love you but you need to stop whining about this. Make the best of it or don't. If you really hate it here, there's the door. Don't let it hit you on the rear end on your way out."

I bet that if he would actually let her and the 3 kids go, they would be out the door.

As it is, he’s using the kids to trap her into staying with him.

No, she couldn't just take the kids with her. You're missing the point that these sorts of conflicts aren't really about where they live at all. That's just a symptom of the overall relationship dysfunction and inability to resolve conflicts. PP says he has listened to his wife complain about it for 25 years, but he doesn't want to move. The issue needs to be resolved one way or the other. She needs to stop complaining, or he needs to learn to accept her complaining as the cost of not moving. But him complaining about her complaining is pointless

I don’t leverage the kids to stay in NoVa; our situation is unique because I sort of have a tiger by the tail and that tiger provides us an incredible life. That same tiger is was raised in northern Virginia and would not do well in southern Florida- in fact it would die.
I really like new places and I would move but I don’t want to be poor and my DW definitely doesn’t what to be poor. Life is wonderful here and the reasons for not leaving are many, so don’t complain when you see Florida on TV.

It sounds like you don’t think that your wife actually wants to move.
If that’s true, what’s the harm on entertaining the idea or calling her bluff when she brings it up?
Say, “OK. Where do you want to live? Let’s look at jobs that are available, see what kind of income we would have, see what kind of house that would buy us…”. In one afternoon, you could have saved 20 years of strife.

It's because that pp and his wife actually aren't fighting about where to live. By definition, if you live somewhere for 25 years, that's a choice that you have to accept responsibility for making. That PPs wife is probably just an extremely passive aggressive person. She needs a reason to be unhappy which she can try to blame on that pp which she believes then gives her some kind of leverage in other parts of the relationship. She can always tell herself it's his fault that she has been living 25 years in a place she claims to not want to live. Maybe in her.mind that gives her license to do things like cheat on him,who knows?

One thing I've found is that the places I have lived with a similar SES are all remarkably similar I what they have to offer. Suburban D.C.is very similar to the NJ/NYS suburbs of NYC.

If you're stuck in the boondocks somewhere it might not be what you expected but presumably some reasonably rationale trade off was made in exchange for the lack of certain preferred amenities. If you just moved to a place on a complete whim within forethought or planning then yeah it could be a mistake.

But that's not what's going on in these scenarios. In these scenarios there were substantial reasons to put down stakes in a particular place, both spouses agreed to the move, and then one spouse decided to disclaim responsibility for the joint decision not because it was a bad decision,but to leverage their status as perpetual victim.

[Anonymous]

Wherever you go, there you are.