15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has it not occurred to you that the 15-year-old teen is closer in age to a legal adult then your elementary schooler?

I don't get this argument, did you only play/hang out with kids your exact age growing up? Growing up we hung out in our neighborhood with kids in a wide range, so 11 and 15 isn't strange to me

I grew up in one of those neighborhoods where the kids all hung out too, but there were not 11 year olds hanging out with 15 year olds. That is a 6th grader hanging out with a HS sophomore, not happening.

It sounds like OP invited the whole family, which she didn’t realize included a 15 year old, so next time she can plan accordingly. The family, as new acquaintances, might have also told the teen the whole family was invited so she needed to come this once.

It's also different if the kids have known each other for a long time - cousins, family friends, neighbors etc. Not an 11yo and 15yo meeting for the first time at someone's home dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine. My almost 14 year old is really smart and mature and she enjoys talking to adults (at least, to the ones who enjoy talking to her). She's the favorite student of multiple teachers.

I was also that teenager who loved getting to know adults . . . I had, I'm not kidding, four adult women who all mentored me through church and youth group. I think our society is kind of sad and boring for not being more inter-generational; some cultures do that really well. When DH and I were in our 20s, we made friends with neighbors of all ages, all the way up to their 70s . . .

One of my college professors turned out to be our neighbor and she became one of our closest friends. Her kids were 8 and 11 when we met them, and we got to watch them grow up and offer advice and transition into being friends with them as adults. (I remember doing the math that I was 20 years younger than my professor and 15 years older than her daughter, so technically closer in age to her daughter . . . ) None of this has to be weird unless you make it weird. We're all people.

I'm definitely not saying you needed to talk about Taylor Swift or whatever all night, but if the teen was happy to sit with you and engage rather than staring at her phone, it sounds like she's going to be OK in life!

Yes! I have no qualms about this teen.

"Is this normal" in the OP - what's not normal is expecting someone who has come to YOUR house to go "make themselves scarce" for a chunk of the night.

It's also an odd reaction by OP bc the family she invited was a colleague / acquaintance. She wasn't even aware they had a step-DD. So what is the very personal and adult conversation with these almost-strangers that was hindered by the teen? It's different if it's your best friend and you really needed to catch up and talk about something intimate / important and did not feel comfortable with the teen present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine. My almost 14 year old is really smart and mature and she enjoys talking to adults (at least, to the ones who enjoy talking to her). She's the favorite student of multiple teachers.

I was also that teenager who loved getting to know adults . . . I had, I'm not kidding, four adult women who all mentored me through church and youth group. I think our society is kind of sad and boring for not being more inter-generational; some cultures do that really well. When DH and I were in our 20s, we made friends with neighbors of all ages, all the way up to their 70s . . .

One of my college professors turned out to be our neighbor and she became one of our closest friends. Her kids were 8 and 11 when we met them, and we got to watch them grow up and offer advice and transition into being friends with them as adults. (I remember doing the math that I was 20 years younger than my professor and 15 years older than her daughter, so technically closer in age to her daughter . . . ) None of this has to be weird unless you make it weird. We're all people.

I'm definitely not saying you needed to talk about Taylor Swift or whatever all night, but if the teen was happy to sit with you and engage rather than staring at her phone, it sounds like she's going to be OK in life!

This. The teen shouldn’t monopolize the conversation. But sitting there listening politely and occasionally chiming in on topic? I see nothing wrong with that and if people are so “adults only” that offends them, then we are probably not friends and that’s okay.

[Anonymous]

I would only have them over when the daughter is with her mother
On the other hand I am pretty sure the girl enjoyed the evening. She is probably a little too weird for the other kids so she doesn’t get a lot of friends time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would only have them over when the daughter is with her mother
On the other hand I am pretty sure the girl enjoyed the evening. She is probably a little too weird for the other kids so she doesn’t get a lot of friends time.

Just curious, how would you make sure you’re only inviting this family over when teen dd isn’t there? Would you specifically ask when she won’t be with them? How do you do that politely? Would you feign concern for her feelings and claim you’re asking because you’d hate for her to be bored, even though it would probably be painfully obvious what you’re doing? Or would you flat out admit you don’t want her around?

Also, your insult (bolded) was unjustified and unnecessarily mean. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s abnormal and my best friends son has always done this. He’s now 20 tabs still does it. And I have the same issue at times, I can’t have some conversations I want to have with her because he’s there listening.

+1
A friend of mine does this with her daughter who is 18. My friend will not get together without her daughter so for many coffee meet ups there are the three of us. And while my friend's daughter is lovely, having her there completely changes the dynamic. I miss my friend and am growing tired of the threesome every single time.

[Anonymous]

Normal ish, a 15 yo doesn’t want to hang with an 11 yo. A bit odd they brought her. Next time make it clear it’s an adult event and hopefully she stays home.

That said I’d not censor anything I said either just bc a teenager was there. If the parents are offended at that, they shouldn’t bring her or maybe step in a little when your offered movie or game didn’t entice her from the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal ish, a 15 yo doesn’t want to hang with an 11 yo. A bit odd they brought her. Next time make it clear it’s an adult event and hopefully she stays home.

That said I’d not censor anything I said either just bc a teenager was there. If the parents are offended at that, they shouldn’t bring her or maybe step in a little when your offered movie or game didn’t entice her from the table.

But for adults only, the other kids will stay home too. Including the ones entertaining OP’s kid. And you don’t need to sensor for a 15 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal ish, a 15 yo doesn’t want to hang with an 11 yo. A bit odd they brought her. Next time make it clear it’s an adult event and hopefully she stays home.

That said I’d not censor anything I said either just bc a teenager was there. If the parents are offended at that, they shouldn’t bring her or maybe step in a little when your offered movie or game didn’t entice her from the table.

What adult event? OP's own 3 kids were present (just on screens). It's not like they brought the DD to an adult party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s abnormal and my best friends son has always done this. He’s now 20 tabs still does it. And I have the same issue at times, I can’t have some conversations I want to have with her because he’s there listening.

+1
A friend of mine does this with her daughter who is 18. My friend will not get together without her daughter so for many coffee meet ups there are the three of us. And while my friend's daughter is lovely, having her there completely changes the dynamic. I miss my friend and am growing tired of the threesome every single time.

it seems you are third wheel. your friend obviously prioritizes time with her dd at this point in her dd's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal ish, a 15 yo doesn’t want to hang with an 11 yo. A bit odd they brought her. Next time make it clear it’s an adult event and hopefully she stays home.

That said I’d not censor anything I said either just bc a teenager was there. If the parents are offended at that, they shouldn’t bring her or maybe step in a little when your offered movie or game didn’t entice her from the table.

Terrible advice because OP would make an exception for (a) her own kids and (b) other kids who would play with OP's kids. An invite cannot be "kids ok only if they will hangout with my kids." Geez louise.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to add - is this girl an only child? Only children are often annoying like this. My kids have had only children friends who would always come try to talk to adults instead of their own same age friends. Their parents usually think it’s bc they are more mature, personally I think it’s bc they lack some social skills relating to peers and are used to being catered to by adults they can talk at without negative reactions bc adults are more polite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal ish, a 15 yo doesn’t want to hang with an 11 yo. A bit odd they brought her. Next time make it clear it’s an adult event and hopefully she stays home.

That said I’d not censor anything I said either just bc a teenager was there. If the parents are offended at that, they shouldn’t bring her or maybe step in a little when your offered movie or game didn’t entice her from the table.

What adult event? OP's own 3 kids were present (just on screens). It's not like they brought the DD to an adult party.

I mean make it clear it’s adults only, invite a neighbor teen to babysit the kids on another floor.

Or even better offer to pay the 15 yo to entertain the younger kids. She prob would do a good job of it as a “job”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine. My almost 14 year old is really smart and mature and she enjoys talking to adults (at least, to the ones who enjoy talking to her). She's the favorite student of multiple teachers.

I was also that teenager who loved getting to know adults . . . I had, I'm not kidding, four adult women who all mentored me through church and youth group. I think our society is kind of sad and boring for not being more inter-generational; some cultures do that really well. When DH and I were in our 20s, we made friends with neighbors of all ages, all the way up to their 70s . . .

One of my college professors turned out to be our neighbor and she became one of our closest friends. Her kids were 8 and 11 when we met them, and we got to watch them grow up and offer advice and transition into being friends with them as adults. (I remember doing the math that I was 20 years younger than my professor and 15 years older than her daughter, so technically closer in age to her daughter . . . ) None of this has to be weird unless you make it weird. We're all people.

I'm definitely not saying you needed to talk about Taylor Swift or whatever all night, but if the teen was happy to sit with you and engage rather than staring at her phone, it sounds like she's going to be OK in life!

You think she is the favorite student of multiple teachers but you can't really know this. Guaranteed at least one teacher finds your child annoying because you don't realize that your thinking is backward. Your focus is if the teen is happy to sit there and engage instead of being on her phone then all is great. What about if the adult doesn't want her there. The point is you can't have many adult conversations with a 14 year old present. It is rude to let your teen hang out for hours with adults when there are ONLY two couples there.

[Anonymous]

There’s a very wide of normal. So OP, I wouldn’t necessarily expect this from all or even most 15 year olds, but I wouldn’t find it shocking, or annoying when a teen prefers or at least enjoys adult company. Maybe at their own home they would eventually make themselves scarce, but as a guest in someone else’s home, it makes sense that they would hang around. I doubt they were aware that you were merely tolerating their company, especially if their parents obviously value their presence and have a close relationship with them. They might also be an “old soul” who simply enjoys the company of adults. I happen to really enjoy kids like this; I was one myself.

But again, your irritation is palpable so perhaps you should not invite them over again.