If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are married to a child. WTF, OP? Fair Play cards? What the heck are those? Zero chance I’d survive my marriage if I had to negotiate with my DH to act like an adult. Just Wow.

Actually it’s a great structure for couples/families to figure out how to divide up tasks. Judging by this entire website, it’s something that MANY struggle with. It takes more than just being a good partner. Sometimes you need some support in navigating that process of figuring out who does what.

https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Game-Changing-Solution-When-ebook/dp/B07NTX84PY

This is ridiculous. I cannot see how this could possibly work unless you are already in a very good relationship and are literally just looking for a way to split household tasks.

It actually is about splitting tasks.

[Anonymous]

So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

You don’t make any sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

She's too busy covering for his share of the bills.

Daily takeout easily costs more that a maid service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

I pay for most of our bills and all of our food. I can’t spend any more money on outsourcing. I already pay for childcare, I’ve started paying for dog daycare. I would love to hire a cleaner but there is just no way I can make it work.

If H cut back on his takeout, he could likely pay for it, but he won’t. He is incapable of putting together a breakfast or lunch, and so gets fast food on the way to work and while at work. And if I can’t cook dinner for any reason, he gets fast food.

I went over his spending with him a few weeks ago to see where his money is going and it’s literally all food charges

[Anonymous]

She has a problem if she thinks asserting herself re: household tasks if more important than asserting herself re: handling the overall budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are married to a child. WTF, OP? Fair Play cards? What the heck are those? Zero chance I’d survive my marriage if I had to negotiate with my DH to act like an adult. Just Wow.

Actually it’s a great structure for couples/families to figure out how to divide up tasks. Judging by this entire website, it’s something that MANY struggle with. It takes more than just being a good partner. Sometimes you need some support in navigating that process of figuring out who does what.

https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Game-Changing-Solution-When-ebook/dp/B07NTX84PY

This is ridiculous. I cannot see how this could possibly work unless you are already in a very good relationship and are literally just looking for a way to split household tasks.

It actually is about splitting tasks.

No it isn’t. Is this your first day as a married woman?
This is about getting your husband to realize that you do so much more for the household than he realizes, and he needs to take on additional chores because what he’s doing isn’t close to half.

My marriage has had ups and downs like any other. At the times it is going well, we wouldn’t need anything like this because we both wanted to serve the other person and make each other happy. So, if either of us needed help, we would just ask, and the other one would happily help.

At the times things weren’t going well, and anger and resentment were building, and we both felt like we were doing more than our fair share. Neither of us were willing to help the other, and it didn’t matter anyway because neither of us were willing to be vulnerable enough to admit that we were overwhelmed or afraid and that we needed the other person’s help. When we were there, I can imagine this conversation being mostly about how I am such a martyr and he is such a loser. He would promptly throw his cards in the trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H and I have struggled with the division of domestic work for a LONG time. We’ve tried therapy, we’ve tried Fair Play, we’ve tried charts and boards and to-do lists, none of it helps. He just does not care and won’t do it.

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy, and I can’t support him taking this job because it will mean I have even more responsibility at home. I said if he could step it up and prove he’s capable, then I can support him, but right now he sleeps in every day, takes naps in the afternoon/evening while I’m caring for the kids, and stays up playing on his phone most of the night. He got angry and said THIS job is what will finally help him get his sh!t together.

I thought maybe he would try to prove himself, but no. I came down this morning, he did not complete any of his Fair Play cards (dishes, tidying, feeding the pets, putting his work stuff away). I know for a fact he was playing on his phone. I pointed out to him that when he has his dirty containers from lunch sitting on the counter for days, we are out of toilet paper and toothpaste because he doesn’t complete his assigned task of tracking and restocking, when I can’t make the kids breakfast because the kitchen is a disaster - it does not suggest to me that he is capable of handling this job, and that if he were serious, he should have stepped it up THAT night rather than playing on his phone and sleeping in.

He blew up and me and started screaming about how horrible his life is because he has to deal with a nag, I should be grateful for what he does do, and he’s not going to take the job anyway. He then ripped up a love note I had left on the wall thanking him for making dinner (he has made it exactly twice in the last month, and I was trying to positively reinforce it) and told me to never thank him for anything again.

Am I the jerk here? Because I cannot take on anymore. If this job came with a pay raise and we could outsource, I would be supportive, but right now we can’t afford that.

You're not a jerk. You're living with someone who fundamentally doesn't really care about you.

I know it's knee jerk to say "divorce," but honestly what are you getting out of this marriage? Your husband has demonstrated that he won't change. You can end up hating his guts 10 years down the line or have the chance at a new life of your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

I pay for most of our bills and all of our food. I can’t spend any more money on outsourcing. I already pay for childcare, I’ve started paying for dog daycare. I would love to hire a cleaner but there is just no way I can make it work.

If H cut back on his takeout, he could likely pay for it, but he won’t. He is incapable of putting together a breakfast or lunch, and so gets fast food on the way to work and while at work. And if I can’t cook dinner for any reason, he gets fast food.

I went over his spending with him a few weeks ago to see where his money is going and it’s literally all food charges

If you pay for all food-- you mean all groceries purchased and then used at home, right? Does he pay for all this fast food himself or do you give him money for food for himself? Because if you're somehow paying for his fast food breakfasts, lunches and dinners I'd cut off his money for that starting immediately. But I'm betting he's thinking he pays for it all himself so he can eat whatever he pleases. He must be horrifically unhealthy too, with al that fast food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

I pay for most of our bills and all of our food. I can’t spend any more money on outsourcing. I already pay for childcare, I’ve started paying for dog daycare. I would love to hire a cleaner but there is just no way I can make it work.

If H cut back on his takeout, he could likely pay for it, but he won’t. He is incapable of putting together a breakfast or lunch, and so gets fast food on the way to work and while at work. And if I can’t cook dinner for any reason, he gets fast food.

I went over his spending with him a few weeks ago to see where his money is going and it’s literally all food charges

If you pay for all food-- you mean all groceries purchased and then used at home, right? Does he pay for all this fast food himself or do you give him money for food for himself? Because if you're somehow paying for his fast food breakfasts, lunches and dinners I'd cut off his money for that starting immediately. But I'm betting he's thinking he pays for it all himself so he can eat whatever he pleases. He must be horrifically unhealthy too, with al that fast food.

I pay for groceries. Even to the point where if he has to go to the grocery store, he takes my card out of my wallet to purchase them. I found that out when I went to go run errands and my card was missing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

I pay for most of our bills and all of our food. I can’t spend any more money on outsourcing. I already pay for childcare, I’ve started paying for dog daycare. I would love to hire a cleaner but there is just no way I can make it work.

If H cut back on his takeout, he could likely pay for it, but he won’t. He is incapable of putting together a breakfast or lunch, and so gets fast food on the way to work and while at work. And if I can’t cook dinner for any reason, he gets fast food.

I went over his spending with him a few weeks ago to see where his money is going and it’s literally all food charges

If you want to try another approach, you might consider being less reasonable and try being uncooperative for a while.

Its possible he will snap out of this. But you cant work 6am-9pm and maintain your health.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a lawyer on Monday and separate asap. I’d be open to seeing if separation spurs him to make changes. If he got an ADD diagnosis, medication, apologized, and started doing more, how would you feel? What would he have to do to win you back, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

I pay for most of our bills and all of our food. I can’t spend any more money on outsourcing. I already pay for childcare, I’ve started paying for dog daycare. I would love to hire a cleaner but there is just no way I can make it work.

If H cut back on his takeout, he could likely pay for it, but he won’t. He is incapable of putting together a breakfast or lunch, and so gets fast food on the way to work and while at work. And if I can’t cook dinner for any reason, he gets fast food.

I went over his spending with him a few weeks ago to see where his money is going and it’s literally all food charges

Wow, OP. Kick him to the curb. Get child support and get it garnished if you need to. The way he treats you is intolerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So Op, you make more money than he does and yet you can't budget for the outside help you need? You clearly spend more than your husband thinks is necessary on other things.

I pay for most of our bills and all of our food. I can’t spend any more money on outsourcing. I already pay for childcare, I’ve started paying for dog daycare. I would love to hire a cleaner but there is just no way I can make it work.

If H cut back on his takeout, he could likely pay for it, but he won’t. He is incapable of putting together a breakfast or lunch, and so gets fast food on the way to work and while at work. And if I can’t cook dinner for any reason, he gets fast food.

I went over his spending with him a few weeks ago to see where his money is going and it’s literally all food charges

If you pay for all food-- you mean all groceries purchased and then used at home, right? Does he pay for all this fast food himself or do you give him money for food for himself? Because if you're somehow paying for his fast food breakfasts, lunches and dinners I'd cut off his money for that starting immediately. But I'm betting he's thinking he pays for it all himself so he can eat whatever he pleases. He must be horrifically unhealthy too, with al that fast food.

I pay for groceries. Even to the point where if he has to go to the grocery store, he takes my card out of my wallet to purchase them. I found that out when I went to go run errands and my card was missing.

So you pay for everything and when he's ask to cover anything for the family he justbsteals.from you? Yikes.

This is a rare situation where I think you'll end up in a better financial position post divorce. He's supposed to pay for childcare, he's a parent. Have a judge make him.

[Anonymous]

This must be a troll. The weird financial split, the cartoonishly lazy and selfish husband, the "am I the bad guy" OP. I just can't believe there is any real debate here. Tell the guy you are leaving if there is no attempt to make it work, and then if there is no attempt, leave.