Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“You need to do a)comparative analysis on public bs private school, b) a calculation of cost value analysis of your wife’s potential income and its implications on tax, expenses, your career, children’s upbringing and household ,c) you need to attend couple’s therapy to learn to communicate and negotiate.”

+ a million

Yes this is the course OP should take. I hope he sees this and does it and doesn't get too into the weeds with all the other comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

No. Many many many people who can afford private school do not think it is a worthwhile expense. If OP's wife thinks its "worth" it, she get a job and pay. However, I'm guessing she will suddenly no longer think its "worth" it if she has to earn the money herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Newsflash, kids over 4 or 5 simply don’t need that much. Most working couples I know just handle it. Trade off drop offs and pick ups. DH cooks and DW does the laundry. It’s not the huge deal that people are making it out to be! How would anyone function if you HAVE to have a SAHP at home? Come on now. Weekends and after hours — unless you both work all the time, that’s not different for working and SAHPs.

There are simple things to outsource, you outsource those. And when you’re not at work you spend time with your kids and trade off a bit. This is not brain science. We live in an age of grocery delivery, automated orders for house supplies, and myriad accommodations at work and at school for working parents. Sure, it could be better. But it is not undoable. With extra income comes extra flexibility. I say this as a working woman who toughed it out in the early years and has more flexibility now.

I don’t agree with the extent to what the pp above is saying about kids over five not needing that much work. But I do think sahms sometimes make their families lives more complicated and due more than needs to be done in order to justify their existence. They are often at their kids beck and call. Sometimes this helps the kids and sometimes it means the kids can be kind of bratty and entitled and not do enough for themselves.

Like my friends who will sign their kids up for every activity that involves driving all over the place or driving their kid anywhere they want. It’s just not necessary. A friend posted complaining that her teenage kid didn’t want to take lunch to her activity that summer day, that she wanted her mom to pick her up and take her somewhere. So mom did. First problem - just tell the kid to take a lunch. Then mom complained kid did not order enough food and would be hungry later. Then mom complained kid texted her at three saying, mom please bring more food. And mom did. Mom then complains on Facebook about all this. I mean Jesus just tell your kid to take a lunch and if your kid refuses, let your kid go hungry that day and learn a lesson. Your don’t have to cater to your kids every whim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

This is a really good point.

Where I live, the private schools got to remain open. As it is, the public schools send all students home for 10 days to quarantine if anyone in the class tests positive, so most kids have spent at least 20 days this year distance learning from home. And the distance learning is always a disaster. Private schools here don't have those rules.

Plus, there's always a chance schools will shut down again.

OP, are you prepared to stay home with your kids if they need to quarantine for 2 weeks? Or if the school shuts down and they need to do distance learning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

+1

Hit quote too soon, because some public schools did an excellent job this past year. But the point is that the wife isn’t asking for something for herself, but for the kids, and depending on their district and what exactly the issue is that she has with the schools her children are zoned for, it is something worth exploring in a rational and fair way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

+1

+2

Truly I'm not sure that anybody who didn't watch over their kids do virtual learning can really understand just how bad it was. I think it turned many of us die-hard public school proponents the other way. Mine go public because I don't want to spend the money but I would never again call private school a luxury good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

Where are you getting that she demanded it? The only thing I can find referencing three years is "Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure."

I don't see anything about wife demanding he work.

She is insisting on a course of action that requires at least three more years of his work. So, demanding he work. What else would you call it?

I do not understand why people are minimizing this. It is abjectly terrible behavior from the wife.

It's because I do not think that asking for somebody that would require more work is "abjectly terrible behavior."

I am a SAHM to a high earner and I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of somebody in my position pressuring their husbands to work more for actual luxuries. I never wanted to do it. But then we wound up living in a 900 sq ft 2 bed one bath apartment for years when the kids were little. When the kids were 6 and 9 I decided that yes, I needed to pressure my husband to spend a lot of money that would require a lot of work so that I could have something I wanted. It wasn't comfortable asking for that, but we are in a house now and I have no regrets, and I certainly don't think it was abjectly terrible behavior. And looking back DH agrees that it was definitely the right decision.

Private school might be a luxury, but it might not. It really depends on the experience of the child. Maybe it's about wanting to impress friends, or it could be helicopter parenting, thinking your kids need the fanciest of everything fancy. But sometimes even at "good" schools, the experience is horrible for kids. If you read the special needs forum, you will see a lot of parents (all mothers) who basically had no other option to switch their kids to private. For them, it's not a luxury like a skiing holiday. Getting them private when they can, with sacrifice, afford it is basic good parenting and it's a shame that other kids who need it but are less fortunate can't get it too.

Basically we do not have enough information to know if OP's wife is entitled or is just a good parent who is in tune with her kids' needs.

Well, yes, it makes sense you would think the behavior of OPs wife is fine, because you did something similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

I send my kids to private school and I think OPs wife is absolutely being ridiculous. It is unquestionably a luxury good. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

No. Many many many people who can afford private school do not think it is a worthwhile expense. If OP's wife thinks its "worth" it, she get a job and pay. However, I'm guessing she will suddenly no longer think its "worth" it if she has to earn the money herself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

LOL did she point a gun at his head and make him hand over a check?

That's your standard for bad behavior?

It is insane to me the contortions that women on this thread are going into to justify the behavior of OPs wife. No wonder there are so many broken marriages and affairs. I'm a woman who has both stayed home and worked, in a great marriage, and I cannot imagine treating my husband the way OPs wife has.

Are you kidding me? You're the one who said she demanded he work for three more years against his will. I cannot see one sentence that justifies that kind of hyperbolic characterization of the situation. Sounds like she really wants her kids to go to public school and is asking her husband for it. Maybe you can call that "bad behavior" (I wouldn't) but how on earth is that demanding he do something against his will?

Where do you think the money will come from? Magic money fairies? OPs wife wants something that will require him to work at least three more years. He doesn't want to work the extra time. How is that not demanding he work against his will?

I feel like this thread has given me insight into why so many men have affairs. The entitlement of the women on this thread is something else. You don't just get to demand someone else works years more for a luxury good that you aren't willing to work for. It is insane behavior.

I have worked outside of the home most of my adult like and my kids go to public, we could not afford private.
The thing is, the wife has likely also really worked (unpaid) for years. In part I assume b/c the OP could never get to 500k/year without her at home and i imagine he couldn't maintain his life style without her home or if he really picked up the at-home slack.
so if she has given up all this, thinks private school is important, and her husband makes so much (in part part of her), and her going back to work is unlikely to make a huge impact on the total salary (even if it's 100k/year- assuming she ca get a job)... why wouldn't they go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

No. Many many many people who can afford private school do not think it is a worthwhile expense. If OP's wife thinks its "worth" it, she get a job and pay. However, I'm guessing she will suddenly no longer think its "worth" it if she has to earn the money herself.

No, if OP thinks it’s “worth it”, then she and her husband should sit down together and look at the pros and cons and agree if they think this is a justified family expense. And it’s not just financial - sounds like OP has issues with it on philosophically not just financially.

Once they determine the merit (or not) of private schools, then they can decide whether it comes out of the existing family income (which can afford it) or she should go back to work.

It’s a discussion, a process. It’s not about OP’s wife unilaterally going back to work to pay for it, regardless of OP’s feelings, and it’s not about OP unilaterally shutting down the debate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

Where are you getting that she demanded it? The only thing I can find referencing three years is "Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure."

I don't see anything about wife demanding he work.

She is insisting on a course of action that requires at least three more years of his work. So, demanding he work. What else would you call it?

I do not understand why people are minimizing this. It is abjectly terrible behavior from the wife.

It's because I do not think that asking for somebody that would require more work is "abjectly terrible behavior."

I am a SAHM to a high earner and I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of somebody in my position pressuring their husbands to work more for actual luxuries. I never wanted to do it. But then we wound up living in a 900 sq ft 2 bed one bath apartment for years when the kids were little. When the kids were 6 and 9 I decided that yes, I needed to pressure my husband to spend a lot of money that would require a lot of work so that I could have something I wanted. It wasn't comfortable asking for that, but we are in a house now and I have no regrets, and I certainly don't think it was abjectly terrible behavior. And looking back DH agrees that it was definitely the right decision.

Private school might be a luxury, but it might not. It really depends on the experience of the child. Maybe it's about wanting to impress friends, or it could be helicopter parenting, thinking your kids need the fanciest of everything fancy. But sometimes even at "good" schools, the experience is horrible for kids. If you read the special needs forum, you will see a lot of parents (all mothers) who basically had no other option to switch their kids to private. For them, it's not a luxury like a skiing holiday. Getting them private when they can, with sacrifice, afford it is basic good parenting and it's a shame that other kids who need it but are less fortunate can't get it too.

Basically we do not have enough information to know if OP's wife is entitled or is just a good parent who is in tune with her kids' needs.

Well, yes, it makes sense you would think the behavior of OPs wife is fine, because you did something similar.

Yes, if her kids actually need private school, I think it is fine. Just like I think it's completely fair for my husband to not expect me to live in a apartment with one bathroom when he is making over 500K a year (his choice!), as we would be if I hadn't pushed. This is what happens when you marry somebody. You give and take and sometimes that means doing things you don't want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

I send my kids to private school and I think OPs wife is absolutely being ridiculous. It is unquestionably a luxury good. Come on.

Nope. There is something in between a necessity and a luxury, and private school can actually run the gamut. I know people who send their kids to private because they think it will let their kids climb the social ladder, and then I know of people like my MIL who sent her kid to private school when she wasn't even middle class because this kid was having panic attacks at school and the school had no support in place for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ‘luxury good’ is an excellent education for OP’s children. He’s not working more so he can pau for his wife to get a diamond jewelry, mcmansion, or Tesla to drive. He’s paying for his children’s education!

Especially after the sh—-show that our public schools were the past year and a half, I think it’s a worthwhile expense for the kids, don’t you?

No. Many many many people who can afford private school do not think it is a worthwhile expense. If OP's wife thinks its "worth" it, she get a job and pay. However, I'm guessing she will suddenly no longer think its "worth" it if she has to earn the money herself.

No, if OP thinks it’s “worth it”, then she and her husband should sit down together and look at the pros and cons and agree if they think this is a justified family expense. And it’s not just financial - sounds like OP has issues with it on philosophically not just financially.

Once they determine the merit (or not) of private schools, then they can decide whether it comes out of the existing family income (which can afford it) or she should go back to work.

It’s a discussion, a process. It’s not about OP’s wife unilaterally going back to work to pay for it, regardless of OP’s feelings, and it’s not about OP unilaterally shutting down the debate.

And it is also not about OPs wife unilaterally deciding he needs to work for at least three years more, yet here we are.