Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am noticing a trend that spouses are a balanced blend of very good and very bad traits. I suppose when the balance tips to the bad, the relationship goes in the sh*tter pretty quick.

Thanks, Einstein.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at how many men seem to have anger issues.

I haven’t posted on this thread, but my DH certainly does. Short fuse, can be nasty and insulting when angry, definitely yells when angry, and maybe the worst, a trait a PP mentioned, will make odd, negative assumptions about my motivation for doing something and get angry or hurt about the fictional motivation. It’s very much a Jekyll and Hyde situation because he’s kind, thoughtful and supportive the rest of the time. A lot of my friends’ husbands are similar, and I know a few women like this as well. Not sure exactly what it stems from other than an excess of aggression and inability to handle stress well, but DH has gotten much better through the years after many serious talks about it.

How do you tolerate this?

[Anonymous]

I find this thread interesting. If I were to do a list like this about myself, I think I'd be harsher on myself than my husband and wonder what he was doing with me! That doesn't mean he's perfect, but he cheers me on and believes in me and loves me and accepts me despite my flaws. In return, I do the same for him. If anyone is perfect or has found the perfect spouse, then you're a unicorn or partnered with a unicorn, truly. I think the way to have a happy marriage is to avoid overthinking the more minor annoying details, ie out of date clothes or habit of always being a little late. That said, I would have a problem with someone who was verbally or physically abusive and treated me or our children and others with contempt, and I would have a problem with substance abuse if they're not willing to get treatment for it. I guess the answer is to really know yourself and your nonnegotiables so that you choose a person with the "right" annoying qualities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hair
Tallish
Will not share salary amount, so don’t know
Insists I pay for most things but brings home many interesting finds
Responsible citizen
Sings to others
Loves animals, children, plants
Trustworthy but suspicious
Suffers from Onychomycosis but blames others
Makes own furniture
Makes own clothes
Handy with some repairs
Good with math
Enjoys mopping, polishing and other cleaning duties
Expressive painter and poet
Pays most taxes
Respectful of other cultures within reason
Opposes repression
Supports empowerment
Not afraid to dance including alone
Understands science
Enjoys television
Rides adult trike as main mode of transportation for short distances
Good at organizing household items
Frugal with perishables
Experimental eater
Moderate drinker in week
Loves maps

H to the NO! I need to know the salary by the fourth date. There is no way I would ever build a life with someone who did not share information about and the salary itself with me. Even if I were wealthy, I would insist on knowing this.

This is the poster who is trying to make “my husband rides an adult trike” happen on multiple DCUM threads for reasons that are entirely unclear to me. Also very likely the “saliva like glue” poster from a couple pages back. Not someone to take seriously.

Adult trikes are fine. Not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Does DCUM actually think there is a slew of perfect people in the world to marry? This is a good thread to show characteristics of married people but maybe it's worth doing this a different way where you list both your pros and cons and theirs. That would be more realistic. Sure anyone can seem terrible from one or two poor qualities till you match them up with your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at how many men seem to have anger issues.

I haven’t posted on this thread, but my DH certainly does. Short fuse, can be nasty and insulting when angry, definitely yells when angry, and maybe the worst, a trait a PP mentioned, will make odd, negative assumptions about my motivation for doing something and get angry or hurt about the fictional motivation. It’s very much a Jekyll and Hyde situation because he’s kind, thoughtful and supportive the rest of the time. A lot of my friends’ husbands are similar, and I know a few women like this as well. Not sure exactly what it stems from other than an excess of aggression and inability to handle stress well, but DH has gotten much better through the years after many serious talks about it.

How do you tolerate this?

My DH has anger issues and can be very negative. BUT, he can't handle it when (rarely) I get angry, PMSy, irritable! He literally can't handle it to the point where he will hide from me and complain how unjust it is that I am taking my mood out on him!! What a baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at how many men seem to have anger issues.

I haven’t posted on this thread, but my DH certainly does. Short fuse, can be nasty and insulting when angry, definitely yells when angry, and maybe the worst, a trait a PP mentioned, will make odd, negative assumptions about my motivation for doing something and get angry or hurt about the fictional motivation. It’s very much a Jekyll and Hyde situation because he’s kind, thoughtful and supportive the rest of the time. A lot of my friends’ husbands are similar, and I know a few women like this as well. Not sure exactly what it stems from other than an excess of aggression and inability to handle stress well, but DH has gotten much better through the years after many serious talks about it.

How do you tolerate this?

I talked about this on an other thread re spouses fighting, but don’t really tolerate it any more. In the early days of our marriage I was extremely hurt and often reacted with anger. Sometimes the fights were awful enough I thought we might divorce. I eventually realized though that these fits of his had almost nothing to do with me, even though I felt very personally attacked at the time. They were just pent up negative feelings about a variety of things that reached the boiling/explosion point. Ever since then I just tell him I won’t engage until he has himself under control, and then I leave the room or he does. Usually he’s mostly back to normal within an hour or so, but I still won’t have a discussion with him about whatever he’d raised in anger for at least a couple days to ensure there is no risk of volatility. He would never admit it, but I think he respects the fact that I draw this line and don’t give in to his effort at domination.

These episodes are down to one every year or two at this point, and while I wish he would would do the mental work necessary to ensure this never happened again, it’s not a big issue in a very strong marriage. He has a huge number of offsetting positives.

[Anonymous]

Lots of energy in bed - a giver
Chubby chaser
Adventurous
Open mined
enough said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am noticing a trend that spouses are a balanced blend of very good and very bad traits. I suppose when the balance tips to the bad, the relationship goes in the sh*tter pretty quick.

Agreed. So many posts saying “gorgeous, tall, great in bed, best dad, loving, caring……but screams in my face, bad temper, occasionally violent (but not too often), etc” it’s like WTF???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does DCUM actually think there is a slew of perfect people in the world to marry? This is a good thread to show characteristics of married people but maybe it's worth doing this a different way where you list both your pros and cons and theirs. That would be more realistic. Sure anyone can seem terrible from one or two poor qualities till you match them up with your own.

Also adding, does everyone's outside job or parenting day also have complete happiness? Is this why people switch jobs so often these days hoping for the next best thing? I'm just curious why we expect our spouses to be so perfect. Is there something that is overridingly negative that is hurting us? Most of these posts don't talk about abuse or extreme negligence or betrayal. The criticisms seem over the top for what these spouses are actually doing. Makes me think there is more negative energy from the posting of the person than the spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am noticing a trend that spouses are a balanced blend of very good and very bad traits. I suppose when the balance tips to the bad, the relationship goes in the sh*tter pretty quick.

Agreed. So many posts saying “gorgeous, tall, great in bed, best dad, loving, caring……but screams in my face, bad temper, occasionally violent (but not too often), etc” it’s like WTF???

It's called people are human

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at how many men seem to have anger issues.

I haven’t posted on this thread, but my DH certainly does. Short fuse, can be nasty and insulting when angry, definitely yells when angry, and maybe the worst, a trait a PP mentioned, will make odd, negative assumptions about my motivation for doing something and get angry or hurt about the fictional motivation. It’s very much a Jekyll and Hyde situation because he’s kind, thoughtful and supportive the rest of the time. A lot of my friends’ husbands are similar, and I know a few women like this as well. Not sure exactly what it stems from other than an excess of aggression and inability to handle stress well, but DH has gotten much better through the years after many serious talks about it.

How do you tolerate this?

I talked about this on an other thread re spouses fighting, but don’t really tolerate it any more. In the early days of our marriage I was extremely hurt and often reacted with anger. Sometimes the fights were awful enough I thought we might divorce. I eventually realized though that these fits of his had almost nothing to do with me, even though I felt very personally attacked at the time. They were just pent up negative feelings about a variety of things that reached the boiling/explosion point. Ever since then I just tell him I won’t engage until he has himself under control, and then I leave the room or he does. Usually he’s mostly back to normal within an hour or so, but I still won’t have a discussion with him about whatever he’d raised in anger for at least a couple days to ensure there is no risk of volatility. He would never admit it, but I think he respects the fact that I draw this line and don’t give in to his effort at domination.

These episodes are down to one every year or two at this point, and while I wish he would would do the mental work necessary to ensure this never happened again, it’s not a big issue in a very strong marriage. He has a huge number of offsetting positives.

These people are usually people with high energy. People with low energy have equally negative and positive qualities.

[Anonymous]

-average looking when we met, aging fantastically and now very handsome.
-high earner and prestigious job
-financial genius that allowed us to save a lot of money
-good dad but not a natural one, like my dad was
-great body
-shares fitness goals with me
-shares political ideology with me
-we relax the same way - watching a show, boating
-same retirement goals
-tidy and helps around the house a lot

on the other hand
-horrible at household maintenance and instinctively knowing how to fix things.
-tightwad but getting better
-secretive
-late and always blames other people or traffic (leave earlier for God's sake)
-has never made a meal but that's ok, I love to cook
-refuses to eat onions - very hard to cook without them
-noisy, especially in the morning when I need complete silence.
-when he sneezes it sounds like his head just exploded
-horrible gift giver

already keeping him.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised at how many men seem to have anger issues.

I haven’t posted on this thread, but my DH certainly does. Short fuse, can be nasty and insulting when angry, definitely yells when angry, and maybe the worst, a trait a PP mentioned, will make odd, negative assumptions about my motivation for doing something and get angry or hurt about the fictional motivation. It’s very much a Jekyll and Hyde situation because he’s kind, thoughtful and supportive the rest of the time. A lot of my friends’ husbands are similar, and I know a few women like this as well. Not sure exactly what it stems from other than an excess of aggression and inability to handle stress well, but DH has gotten much better through the years after many serious talks about

it.


How do you tolerate this?

I talked about this on an other thread re spouses fighting, but don’t really tolerate it any more. In the early days of our marriage I was extremely hurt and often reacted with anger. Sometimes the fights were awful enough I thought we might divorce. I eventually realized though that these fits of his had almost nothing to do with me, even though I felt very personally attacked at the time. They were just pent up negative feelings about a variety of things that reached the boiling/explosion point. Ever since then I just tell him I won’t engage until he has himself under control, and then I leave the room or he does. Usually he’s mostly back to normal within an hour or so, but I still won’t have a discussion with him about whatever he’d raised in anger for at least a couple days to ensure there is no risk of volatility. He would never admit it, but I think he respects the fact that I draw this line and don’t give in to his effort at domination.

These episodes are down to one every year or two at this point, and while I wish he would would do the mental work necessary to ensure this never happened again, it’s not a big issue in a very strong marriage. He has a huge number of offsetting positives.

I am in a position similar to yours, and completely agree with you. I posted upthread that once or twice a year my otherwise wonderful DH loses control of his temper and raises his voice at me or our young adult kids, and he tends to lean into us when using an angry voice. I don’t like it, have told him so and will walk away when it happens. He always apologizes, usually very quickly, and recognizes that it’s a problem. He reins it in more quickly now than when we were younger, and recognizes he is usually emotionally stressed by other things but may break at something minor (for example, his parent died and a week later he gets unnecessarily upset about something unrelated). He is so great in so many other ways - constantly shows me love, tells me I look great, reaches out to our kids, checks on my mom, suggests doing activities together, we are on the same page about parenting and life goals, everyone likes him, and as a bonus he makes more money than we ever dreamed - I don’t “tolerate” his behavior, I accept that he has flaws just like me and I love him and realize that in a very long marriage I have it pretty good if the extremely infrequent anger is my only real complaint.

[Anonymous]

^ ugh my response was embedded