Reply to Feel like the walls are closing in quickly

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[quote=Anonymous]I apologize in advance for this post. I guess I feel like I have to apologize for even breathing these days because everywhere I turn, no matter how hard I try to be a kind, honest, caring, compassionate human being, I get one slap in the face after another. I feel like I must have a huge sticker on my forehead that says "please throw me under the bus, and make it the biggest one you can find!"

Almost everyone in my life that I trusted has betrayed me in one form or another. Despite it all, and also having a special-needs child, I've managed until now (at age 54) to keep my chin up and plow through all the adversities and betrayals that have come my way. I've managed to keep a smile on my face and wake up almost every morning saying "today is a new day."

But now I simply have no more strength left to do that anymore. I live with a husband who had a 5 year affair and strip club addiction that I can't divorce or separate from because of finances; my estranged father committed suicide last February leaving almost a million dollars to his nephew and the nephew's wife and nothing to my 2 siblings and I; my teenage son has special needs that are extremely taxing and his ability to be an independent adult in the future is questionable; and the one refuge from all of this—my part-time retail job where I've worked for the past 4 years and where I thought my co-workers were my friends—has no turned sour.

I have no one to blame but myself for being so stupid as to continue to trust people despite repeatedly being betrayed and stepped on in one form or another. The pain has become so overwhelming from all of this I simply don't want to deal with it anymore. I am and have been in therapy for quite a while, but there's not really much that a therapist can do for someone in my situation. Medication is not an option for me because I have severe side effects from everything I've tried in the past.

Before the job situation came up I felt like the walls were closing in on me everywhere I turned, but the job was the one remaining opening where I felt I could be free of the tremendous stress I deal with in every other part of my life.

I have really only one friend to speak of and now she's not available much because she's moved in with her boyfriend, so I feel very alone and trapped with nowhere or no one to turn to. You have all been so kind and helpful to me with other posts, so even though I don't know anyone I'm talking to on here I feel like you are all really my only friends.

Thanks for being there and thanks for listening.
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