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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Adults do.  Similar to alcoholics.  They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating. [/quote]

Unfortuately, all the therapy that helps many with austism appear "normal" in order to get through school, college, find a partner, etc. is just masking. It becomes harder and harder to basically live a lie. After 20 years or more, they at least stop hiding it in the comfort of their homes and the fallout harms primarily the spouse. I had no idea of the kind of person my husband really was into about 4 years into the marriage and it got progessively worse. 20 years in, I am under constant verbal and emotional abuse. I woud never have married him had I know. Outside the house, he acts like a normal, functioning member of society, then at home, he stops all the acting and it's a nightmare.[/quote]

To this poster - I'm just wondering, has your DH been officially diagnosed?  Did he actually go through therapy as a child?  Not coming from a place of judgement... just wondering... have a child going through therapy and DH who I suspect is HFA but not diagnosed, so obviously did not have therapy as a child but has issues now... I have this idea that by putting my son in therapy now, I can set him up for a happier life and avoid the scenario you're describing (which I am living also), but sometimes I wonder if what you're describing is going to be my son's fate anyway.  Maybe it's inevitable.  [/quote]

I was in a psychologically abusive marriage with a man who presented with narcissistic personality disorder. My therapist saved my relationship when she suggested my husband was on the spectrum. My husband was willing to seek an evaluation. After he was identified as being on the spectrum, his special interest began learning about theory of mind and he felt freed to be who he is. When he feels emotionally disregulated due to my doing something that is contradictory to his expectation, he now takes a beat to tell me he knows his feelings are his issue and not mine. Does he become sulky and retreat to the basement to play online tabletop games? Yes he does. But I know he will figure it out and I know it is not my fault. He know that our marriage used to abusive, however unintentional. He has made it clear how sorry he is that he caused me all that pain. We also worked out the social bit. He encourages me to do the things I like to do and goes as far as to text my friends when I am down, because he know he doesn't know the best way to help me. Simon Baron-Cohen, the preeminent expert on neurodiversity, which underlines why my marriage was able to heal. The difference between anti-social personality disorder and autism is that Autistic people have bottomless emotional empathy but lack cognitive empathy (theory of mind), while anti-social personalities have zero emotional empathy and are frequently master manipulators due to their significant cognitive empathy. That being said, not every unidentified person on the spectrum is willing to work towards understanding theory of mind. I was fortunate that my husband did.

As for your son...With a husband and three children all on the spectrum, I went back to school to learn as much as I can. The key to avoiding the excruciating statistics of self-harm and suicide for adults on the spectrum is for children and adults learn to use their gifts, see why the autistic mind is extraordinary (and why they need to learn theory of mind and cognitive flexibility), find their tribe and only mask when necessary. My children and husband are "Proud Aspies." When my third child was identified as on the spectrum, she actually celebrated.

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This post was very helpful. Thank you[/quote]

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