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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This has been a real eye-opening thread.  I’ve been with DH for 25 years.  Lots of conflict over:

Took risks with the kids when they were young
Inability to stick to routines or actually parent them
Zero help with social life mgt for us or kids
Zero help with anything related to the kids like extracurriculars unless related to his personal interest
Rudeness in restaurants/public
Inappropriate comments in social settings, actually everywhere
Zero executive functioning ability
Hates change, refused to move for years despite kids being in poor schools
Zero ability to connect with kids beyond teasing or his one sport of interest
Never shows empathy to me and any situation I’m in that could be painful
Drinks daily to handle high anxiety 
Was insanely hyperactive and hyper sexual until his early 50s (no affairs, but expected sex daily)
Cannot engage in anything but superficial convos
Never remembers bdays, special occasions etc.
In arguments with me, appears to only hear 20% of what I say, nitpicks that 20%, never affirms my experiences
Can be incredibly bossy/overbearing, never picks up on social cues

I thought all of these traits were ADHD (one of our children is diagnosed ADHD) although he was never diagnosed as a child.   He has never been emotionally abusive, does not have tantrums as described in this thread. But, I’ve felt like a single parent since day 1 and the loneliness of not being with someone who can emotionally connect with me is breaking me apart.  [/quote]

Are you planning to leave? My H sounds a LOT like yours, except that he doesn't drink and is the opposite of hypersexual. In fact, he's extremely repressed. We haven't had sex in 8 or 10 years, because I got tired of initiating what I knew would be mediocre (at best), one-sided sex.

I guess I should be glad that he rarely loses his temper, unlike many others on here. But that's because he shuts down at the first sign of conflict, which means that I have to escalate my own behavior to get any type of response. Usually he just continues to ignore me. Nothing is EVER his fault and he never apologizes or even admits a mistake. (The broken glass stories above really resonated.) It's a terrible example for our kids.

I feel like I've been in an emotional and physical deprivation chamber for years. I need to get out. 
[/quote]

Wow, that list above hits hard. Same $hit happening here weekly. It’s so sad our kids basically don’t have a second parent parenting, it’s like a big belligerent child who cannot learn or connect the dots and lashes out insanely.

Good luck to us all. [/quote]

So this pretty much sums up my husband as well.  And I have wondered if he has ASD, but I think I am now realizing that it is just that generally speaking, the majority of men are like this.  They are just wired very differently.  I say this in a post because I felt pretty hopeless before because I didn't think he could change and I would always be unhappy.  But it doesn't have to be that way.  I got therapy and learned better communication skills, and to not take some of his behaviors so personally and accept the differences, some of his weak areas, and also appreciate the strong areas.

I am not saying you should put up with being mistreated.  But if there are problems, there are strategies you can use to communicate better so that he hears what you are saying and it actually sinks in and makes a difference.

I mean there is an element of neuro-diversity here, and I can't deny that.  But also, EVERY person has their thing, and this "thing" is not particularly worse than other "things".  The neuro-diverse element makes life in general pretty stressful and exhausting on a daily basis, especially with everyone expecting them to just understand a certain language of speaking and unspoken expectations that is quite challenging for someone with these traits - and this sometimes comes out in stress and anxiety responses like anger, or shutting down, or shutting people out. [/quote]

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