How can I request cleaning help wear something more... modest?

[Anonymous]

Just ask? I worked as a cleaning lady in a religious Jewish household and was asked to dress appropriately. We compromised - I could still wear pants and oversize t shirts, but no shorts or sleeveless tops. I did not wear anything super tight to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is describing clothes that are, in her words, revealing.

You know what else those clothes are, though? They are CHEAP. Those are the clothes sold at stores in low-income neighborhoods. Cheap polyester shirts. Cheap pleather pants.

As a domestic worker, OP's cleaning lady can't afford to have a separate wardrobe just for cleaning the house of one client, and the clothes available in her community are the ones she's wearing.

OP - there are cultural and class issues in play here, and you need to take a step back and look at what you are really asking. It's not pretty.

Oh, please.
Here are CHEAP clothes from Walmart that aren't revealing
https://www.walmart.com/ip/Lucky-Brand-Womens-Button-Dowon-Plaid-Casual-Top/382162569

That costs $61. That's not cheap. How much do you think a housekeeper earns?

Why is XS $6 and S is $61? That is weird.

But in urban areas there are no Walmarts in low income communities. Plus no one where's new clothes to scrub toilets. Even if she's wearing a $5 shirt she bought a few years ago, asking her to go spend another $5 on a new shirt and then immediately wear it to scrub toilets is not OK.

[Anonymous]

You realize, of course, that before Craigslist put these off-limits, there were lots of ads for cleaning services where the cleaning ladies did their work in their underwear, or less.?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the perfect cleaning lady

[Anonymous]

Many years ago we had two Latina sisters who cleaned our house who were incredibly hot! I was initially concerned but they did such an amazing job cleaning our house I didn't care. When we moved I wanted them to come with us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sexism.

You would never ask a man to change his clothes. If a plumber came to unclog your toilet you would not ask him to wear a non-offensive t-shirt.

Actually, the guy who came to fix our kitchen sink was not expecting our family when he put on his All Lives Matter t-shirt that morning. DH is a 6 foot 4 dark-skinned black man. The guy asked to use the bathroom and when he came out, his shirt was on inside out. No words exchanged about it.

Right? And if he was coming every week for hours, it would be fine to ask him to wear a non-offensive shirt.

The sexism is coming from the women on this thread who believe that OP should be quiet and demure and not dare to offend someone by expressing her thoughts. Not to mention those who believe that she should be cleaning her own home.

Then there’s the sexism, possibly classism, and maybe even a few other isms associated with feeling privileged enough to tell someone else what clothes they should wear because they’re working in your home for a couple of hours — because of your personal religious beliefs.
I think it’s unfortunate that someone who feels the need to control what other people wear didn’t realize this about herself. Had she hired someone who shared her standards about modest dress or simply shared her expectations PRIOR to hiring someone, none of this would be an issue.

How is this classist. It’s not The Handmaids Tale where only wives wear a certain color and Op wants the cleaning lady to wear that instead of the sad grey that “poor women” wear. No one is asking her to come in wearing a business suit. I’m sure whatever store she shops at also sells clothes with sleeves and without low cut tops.

NP here. OP, I have seen a lot of this in my experience. It is perfectly reasonable to ask nannies, cleaners, help (who may or may not be pushing the envelope) to wear a not too small polo shirt and khakis. I did see one family, where it was important to "show caste" (which of course, we do not have in the U.S., where this happened) to have the help wear what I would describe as something Hazel would wear: https://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/53158/hazel-the-complete-second-season/

Definitely insulting and kind of "ick" when you think of the statement being made, especially given that they were being paid about $10. per hour. Who can live on that?? But a polo and khakis should be fine, and you could easily supply them. I would feel strongly, and you have a right, if you think that the poor taste in clothes was being rude or offensive to you - ie: too small clothing, etc. As you can see by this type of post, sometimes people see what they can get away with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't. If you want people to respect you and your beliefs, then you need to respect yours, even if they're different. Respect is a two ways street and it's very hypocritical to expect her to respect you when you clearly don't respect her different beliefs about modesty.

Adding to that--she's working HARD and working up a sweat. Let the woman where whatever she needs to in order to avoid overheating. Do you exercise in turtlenecks and jeans?

You would be body shaming her and that is NEVER okay.

Signed--
Someone who grew up in a religiously conservative and modest/shaming household but got tired of other people micromanaging my body and left the religion and gained my independence. It was the most freeing moment of my life.

Wait, if the cleaning lady is coming into a uber religious home and is wearing tight, low cut things that's not respecting the OP. I'm all about body positivity but when I go to dinner at my very religious Muslim neighbor's house, or going to my Hasidic friend's gathering I'm not going to wear a short skirt or show cleavage. That's not body shaming... it's common sense.

You’re also describing a social relationship with friends, where you, yourself, are making a decision about what you feel is appropriate to wear. That’s less “common sense” and more familiarity with the religious and cultural practices of your personal friends. That doesn’t really parallel hiring someone to do a job, staring at their clothes— which have apparently been fine in other households — and demanding that they change. Since there’s no reason to expect someone coming into your household to do a job to even know your religious beliefs, let alone comply with them, I wonder why the OP didn’t discuss this as part of the initial work agreement.

[Anonymous]

So sad, people have not respect for themselves never mind for their employers. People dress like slobs these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can either accept her as she is, or fire her and hire someone else who will dress like a nun and possibly do as good a job or possibly not.

If YOU want to dress modestly, then YOU do that. You can NOT control other people.

+1. This is kind of it. Get a new cleaning person. Interview first so you can judge how they dress if that is your thing. Be explicit in the interview about your dress code in your house.

You might want a cleaning man. Religious people never seem to have dress codes for them (Hassids excepted) so you will likely be safe there.

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

I had a cleaning lady who was a conservative catholic. She went to mass everyday. She wore those dark blue baggy maid dresses every time she came to clean. The thing is she was a horrible cleaner, but we became friends so I couldn’t let her go.

My friends used to make fun of me, because my cleaning lady had me wrapped around her finger. My weekly payments were a donation.

Sounds like she’d be a good fit for you, but warning she loves to talk and she’s a really, really bad cleaner.

[Anonymous]

Op here again.

1. She came to interview wearing slacks and a button down shirt.

2. I'm not asking her to buy anything expensive to wear to work. A t shirt and jeans would suffice.

3. You guys make it seem like she is paid pennies and that's not true. I pay her 5x-6x as much as she would make minimum wage so.. please quit it with the comments about how I don't pay her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago we had two Latina sisters who cleaned our house who were incredibly hot! I was initially concerned but they did such an amazing job cleaning our house I didn't care. When we moved I wanted them to come with us!

Nothing wrong with being hot! I know a lot of guys who would hire them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This was an episode of a TV show. I can’t remember which but I remember watching it.

There was an episode of Friends in which Monica thought their cleaning lady was stealing her clothes.

This was something I saw recently...I’m sure it will come to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again.

1. She came to interview wearing slacks and a button down shirt.

2. I'm not asking her to buy anything expensive to wear to work. A t shirt and jeans would suffice.

3. You guys make it seem like she is paid pennies and that's not true. I pay her 5x-6x as much as she would make minimum wage so.. please quit it with the comments about how I don't pay her.

Your original question was whether there was a way to ask an adult who is providing a service for you to change the way that she dresses to accommodate your personal religious beliefs which she, apparently, does not share. You’ve received a lot of feedback on that. While it’s great that you pay her well ( $75 - $90 an hour if you’re using the minimum wage in DC), and that your expectations seem reasonably easy to meet, that doesn’t really change the inappropriateness and, yes, rudeness, of what you want to do. Since it seems to be very important to you, perhaps you should just accept your rudeness. Explain your wishes and see how she responds.

One takeaway that you might get from this is to discuss your requirements during future interviews, when it would be appropriate to discuss your wishes in a way that is completely unrelated to whatever the person being interviewed happens to be wearing.