Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the comments but as a man with a SAHM wife in a neighborhood where many if not most women are SAH or work from home part time, I find it's usually the women who choose this. My male friends don't talk about it much but when they do it's rarely that they insisted on this but rather it wad their wife's suggest or insist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think that was normal at all in the DC area or most other major metro areas. The norm is that both parents continue to work and pay for daycare. I don't know a single couple where the woman became a SAHM after having a child.

How old are you? I’m 50 and I know a lot of SAHM’s in the DC area. Many had good careers before kids, but knew that when they had children, they wanted to be home with them. DH and I talked about it while dating and it was important to me to find someone who was ok with me taking time out of the workforce to raise a family. We planned for it from the very beginning.

Before starting a family, we both worked hard, lived frugally, and saved as much as we could. I envy friends with nicer houses, cars, and vacations, but I’m happy with my choice.

NP, but I'm 43 and I only know one family where the mom decided to stay at home, and that family moved to Minnesota. I don't know any other family with a SAHM, including all my friends from high school and college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think that was normal at all in the DC area or most other major metro areas. The norm is that both parents continue to work and pay for daycare. I don't know a single couple where the woman became a SAHM after having a child.

How old are you? I’m 50 and I know a lot of SAHM’s in the DC area. Many had good careers before kids, but knew that when they had children, they wanted to be home with them. DH and I talked about it while dating and it was important to me to find someone who was ok with me taking time out of the workforce to raise a family. We planned for it from the very beginning.

Before starting a family, we both worked hard, lived frugally, and saved as much as we could. I envy friends with nicer houses, cars, and vacations, but I’m happy with my choice.

NP, but I'm 43 and I only know one family where the mom decided to stay at home, and that family moved to Minnesota. I don't know any other family with a SAHM, including all my friends from high school and college.

+1. Also early 40s and am pretty active in my school's PTA in DC, with a 4th and 1st grader, and I also don't know any SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male biglaw partner here. My wife is SAHM, it's fairly common for the male partners at the firm to have SAHMs. Female partners are more likely to be divorced.

Women lose respect for their husbands when they stay home. They may not say it out loud, they may not even want to feel that way. Seems to be some type of jealousy/envy that the male partners have SAHM and can focus solely on work while women have to do a second shift at home. That dynamic, more than any other I have seen, accounts for the wage and advancement gap and probably the divorce gap too.

Until women are willing to accept (and men can truly accomplish) the male SAH role, the gap will persist when kids come along.

Who cares what your job is? Perhaps things would change if men like yourself put more effort into staying home with their kids, demanded things like paternity leave.

I was a little snippy with you , but to the bold

I am not surprised more female partners are divorced, because as you said they do the same job as you at work, but then come home and do all the work there. Is it envy or is it frustration? I don't disagree that Americans ( men and women) still have antiquated ideas about men staying at home, but why is it all on the women to change that? Why is it women's responsibility to do all the work at home and take on societal change?

Why can't you or other men take can active role, in advocating for men to stay home if they want? Would that advocacy be more effective with men at the helm, with men supporting them?

I understand your frustrations but they are misdirected.

My firm like all forms are fine if men what to daddy track. As long as they bring value to the firm, we will retain them and pay them their worth, just as we would any other person who is scaling back. We have done this but it's obviously more rare. I do not find any animosity from full time equity partners towards men who scale back. If anything, there may be a bit of jealousy since many of us are like me, sole breadwinners who don't have an option of scaling back and relying on a spouse's income.

To me, it's women that have the problem with this, at least romantically. Proof is in the multiple message boards here from women who won't date men without certain income requirements, etc. Or the SAHMs groups that exclude SAHDs.

I 'm not sure that's proof. I will agree there's more SAHM groups, but coed is becoming more common. I think the exlusion has less to do with being against SAHDs, but mybe worried about being accuded of wanting to steal someone's husband, and some people just want to socialize with friends of the same sex. I do know of some SAHD groups as well.

As for income, I'm not sure if it;s them wanting to stay at home or wanting to make sure that together they can provide for children, education , certain lifestyle etc. I know this is why I consider income when it comes to men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male biglaw partner here. My wife is SAHM, it's fairly common for the male partners at the firm to have SAHMs. Female partners are more likely to be divorced.

Women lose respect for their husbands when they stay home. They may not say it out loud, they may not even want to feel that way. Seems to be some type of jealousy/envy that the male partners have SAHM and can focus solely on work while women have to do a second shift at home. That dynamic, more than any other I have seen, accounts for the wage and advancement gap and probably the divorce gap too.

Until women are willing to accept (and men can truly accomplish) the male SAH role, the gap will persist when kids come along.

Who cares what your job is? Perhaps things would change if men like yourself put more effort into staying home with their kids, demanded things like paternity leave.

I was a little snippy with you , but to the bold

I am not surprised more female partners are divorced, because as you said they do the same job as you at work, but then come home and do all the work there. Is it envy or is it frustration? I don't disagree that Americans ( men and women) still have antiquated ideas about men staying at home, but why is it all on the women to change that? Why is it women's responsibility to do all the work at home and take on societal change?

Why can't you or other men take can active role, in advocating for men to stay home if they want? Would that advocacy be more effective with men at the helm, with men supporting them?

I understand your frustrations but they are misdirected.

My firm like all forms are fine if men what to daddy track. As long as they bring value to the firm, we will retain them and pay them their worth, just as we would any other person who is scaling back. We have done this but it's obviously more rare. I do not find any animosity from full time equity partners towards men who scale back. If anything, there may be a bit of jealousy since many of us are like me, sole breadwinners who don't have an option of scaling back and relying on a spouse's income.

To me, it's women that have the problem with this, at least romantically. Proof is in the multiple message boards here from women who won't date men without certain income requirements, etc. Or the SAHMs groups that exclude SAHDs.

As a whole I think it would be better if men alongside women advocated for better parental leave amd pay for women. I don't just mean your firm, but actively selecting politicians who push for these things, preferring jobs that advocated for these things. It may not be fair, and we've come along way, but this is still very much a patriaarchal society, and having men as vocal allies would be a huge help.

I do think this changes will become more common over the next 15-20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is the real issue. You don't want to hear that some women are happier staying home and appreciate having the option. You don't want to hear it is best for some families. I'm sorry you have a difficult marriage situation but its up to you to fix it or get out of it.

DP. Not OP, but I don't get that from OP at all. Are you sure you aren't just projecting? I am honestly confused by your response. It seems kind of bizarre. I have done both SAHM and WOHM (and student mom, and WAHM), so maybe I am just not as defensive, but I really don't.get your response here.

Read the subject and many of the other comments. They are very negative to men and women and it gets old.

No, you are projecting your own bs. Lots of thoughtful pps on here. This is a societal problem in the US. Just because some women are happy being SAHMs doesn’t change the fact that there are societal problems and expectations that unfairly and preferentially impact women. And the ripple effect is that they affect everyone whether you want to be a parent or not. The bulk of the negative effects are on women but these inequities also affect men who might want to be primary caregivers or suffer under the stress of being the sole breadwinner.

It is sad that we cannot try to talk about these problems without some SAHMs taking it personally (You needn’t)or some people even trying to deny them outright.

OP again all of this. It's just sad that people would rather put energy into mommy wars than discussing things, that might initiate change and benefit all of our lives, and the lives of our families.

You’re an idiot

DP. You really aren't very good at making your case. You seem invested in perpetuating mommy wars, but whatever. That's sad but people just pity you.

[Anonymous]

Many women want to SAH. I for example can't manage pregnancy and working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

+1 million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is the real issue. You don't want to hear that some women are happier staying home and appreciate having the option. You don't want to hear it is best for some families. I'm sorry you have a difficult marriage situation but its up to you to fix it or get out of it.

DP. Not OP, but I don't get that from OP at all. Are you sure you aren't just projecting? I am honestly confused by your response. It seems kind of bizarre. I have done both SAHM and WOHM (and student mom, and WAHM), so maybe I am just not as defensive, but I really don't.get your response here.

Read the subject and many of the other comments. They are very negative to men and women and it gets old.

No, you are projecting your own bs. Lots of thoughtful pps on here. This is a societal problem in the US. Just because some women are happy being SAHMs doesn’t change the fact that there are societal problems and expectations that unfairly and preferentially impact women. And the ripple effect is that they affect everyone whether you want to be a parent or not. The bulk of the negative effects are on women but these inequities also affect men who might want to be primary caregivers or suffer under the stress of being the sole breadwinner.

It is sad that we cannot try to talk about these problems without some SAHMs taking it personally (You needn’t)or some people even trying to deny them outright.

OP again all of this. It's just sad that people would rather put energy into mommy wars than discussing things, that might initiate change and benefit all of our lives, and the lives of our families.

You’re an idiot

NP. You sound like the idiot. OP has clearly stated that this discussion isn't about staying at home of working decision and so why start this mommy war? OP has asked a good question and there are some good thoughts (at least earlier on before it degenerated in mommy war).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male biglaw partner here. My wife is SAHM, it's fairly common for the male partners at the firm to have SAHMs. Female partners are more likely to be divorced.

Women lose respect for their husbands when they stay home. They may not say it out loud, they may not even want to feel that way. Seems to be some type of jealousy/envy that the male partners have SAHM and can focus solely on work while women have to do a second shift at home. That dynamic, more than any other I have seen, accounts for the wage and advancement gap and probably the divorce gap too.

Until women are willing to accept (and men can truly accomplish) the male SAH role, the gap will persist when kids come along.

So if the women partners who are jealous because they work at the firm and then also have to get thing done at home, why can't men help at home? Why is it mainly her responsibility to take care of this? Your idea sets women up for failure: it's your fault as a woman because you don't like men who help around the house and so the best solution is you women stay at home. Why not find a middle ground where both of you can achieve to the best of your abilities and share EQUALLY the responsibilities at home? This means compromises on both ends, not just the wife. BTW, my husband has been amazing this way and so can speak from experience that it is possible to find the middle ground.

This type of attitude that's most responsible for why women are expected to become SAHM (women don't like men who compromise, women suffer when they are ambitious and have to take care of home/work). If there is a divorce in the future, these same men will. be complaining about a SAHM who doesn't work and can't make a good salary and how she's a drain on their income.

[Anonymous]

Women should not have kids if their husbands are such jerks.

[Anonymous]

I hope things are changing for the younger generation. I take a great hope with the fact that now these losers are InCels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male biglaw partner here. My wife is SAHM, it's fairly common for the male partners at the firm to have SAHMs. Female partners are more likely to be divorced.

Women lose respect for their husbands when they stay home. They may not say it out loud, they may not even want to feel that way. Seems to be some type of jealousy/envy that the male partners have SAHM and can focus solely on work while women have to do a second shift at home. That dynamic, more than any other I have seen, accounts for the wage and advancement gap and probably the divorce gap too.

Until women are willing to accept (and men can truly accomplish) the male SAH role, the gap will persist when kids come along.

Who cares what your job is? Perhaps things would change if men like yourself put more effort into staying home with their kids, demanded things like paternity leave.

I was a little snippy with you , but to the bold

I am not surprised more female partners are divorced, because as you said they do the same job as you at work, but then come home and do all the work there. Is it envy or is it frustration? I don't disagree that Americans ( men and women) still have antiquated ideas about men staying at home, but why is it all on the women to change that? Why is it women's responsibility to do all the work at home and take on societal change?

Why can't you or other men take can active role, in advocating for men to stay home if they want? Would that advocacy be more effective with men at the helm, with men supporting them?

I understand your frustrations but they are misdirected.

My firm like all forms are fine if men what to daddy track. As long as they bring value to the firm, we will retain them and pay them their worth, just as we would any other person who is scaling back. We have done this but it's obviously more rare. I do not find any animosity from full time equity partners towards men who scale back. If anything, there may be a bit of jealousy since many of us are like me, sole breadwinners who don't have an option of scaling back and relying on a spouse's income.

To me, it's women that have the problem with this, at least romantically. Proof is in the multiple message boards here from women who won't date men without certain income requirements, etc. Or the SAHMs groups that exclude SAHDs.

As a whole I think it would be better if men alongside women advocated for better parental leave amd pay for women. I don't just mean your firm, but actively selecting politicians who push for these things, preferring jobs that advocated for these things. It may not be fair, and we've come along way, but this is still very much a patriaarchal society, and having men as vocal allies would be a huge help.

I do think this changes will become more common over the next 15-20 years.

We get parental leave but its often unpaid or you use your sick/annual leave. Employers and the government should not have to pay for maternity leave when being a parent is not a choice. Just admit you hate men. Stop putting it on men to fix your marital problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women should not have kids if their husbands are such jerks.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male biglaw partner here. My wife is SAHM, it's fairly common for the male partners at the firm to have SAHMs. Female partners are more likely to be divorced.

Women lose respect for their husbands when they stay home. They may not say it out loud, they may not even want to feel that way. Seems to be some type of jealousy/envy that the male partners have SAHM and can focus solely on work while women have to do a second shift at home. That dynamic, more than any other I have seen, accounts for the wage and advancement gap and probably the divorce gap too.

Until women are willing to accept (and men can truly accomplish) the male SAH role, the gap will persist when kids come along.

So if the women partners who are jealous because they work at the firm and then also have to get thing done at home, why can't men help at home? Why is it mainly her responsibility to take care of this? Your idea sets women up for failure: it's your fault as a woman because you don't like men who help around the house and so the best solution is you women stay at home. Why not find a middle ground where both of you can achieve to the best of your abilities and share EQUALLY the responsibilities at home? This means compromises on both ends, not just the wife. BTW, my husband has been amazing this way and so can speak from experience that it is possible to find the middle ground.

This type of attitude that's most responsible for why women are expected to become SAHM (women don't like men who compromise, women suffer when they are ambitious and have to take care of home/work). If there is a divorce in the future, these same men will. be complaining about a SAHM who doesn't work and can't make a good salary and how she's a drain on their income.

I don't know any women who were expected to be a SAHM.