I wish society didn't encourage people to put off having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]I hope you support paid family leave and universal affordable childcare, and candidates that push for those policies.[/b]

I do, but in the past, everyone started having kids in their early 20's and none of these things existed.

Because most jobs, including those that didn’t require a college degree, paid a livable wage and included good benefits so one spouse could support a family.

For what it’s worth OP, my parents had me in their 20s and I lost all 4 grandparents by the time I was 23. There are no guarantees in life.

In contrast, my parents had me in their late 30s and I still have one living grandparent (I’m 35 now). In fact 3/4 grandparents lived to their early/mid-90s. Just echo-omg PP that it’s a crapshoot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM until I was 30, went to college at 35, graduated at 40, worked full time ever since then, one child got married at 20, my first grandchild was born when I was 42, got divorced at 43 (25 year marriage!), great-grandchildren in my 60s.

It was all my choices, society had nothing to do with it. My own parents married late (ages 31 and 40).

I don't regret one single minute of any of it. Happy life!

It's totally possible to do these things. People don't want to give up the avacado toast and delayed adolescence.

Agreed. I went back to work at 42, took off a full 12 years to raise my kids, and ITS GREAT! My kids don’t need me as much, I’m in a career with lots of potential, and I can have a full and meaningful career without worrying about being on a mommy track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

I dated two men seriously, one I am married to. I was open with every guy I ever went out with that I wanted to have kids and was dating with that in mind. I met my future husband at 22. Started dating at 24, married at 27. And +4 for him (so he was 31).

I consider myself a case study in focused dating. And I consider myself lucky, because I'm the only one of my friends married, two kids in and financially and relationship stable at 33. Some have some of those things, but I have all. Mostly it was luck and I still didn't have my first until 31.

Wow you sound smug. But I find that life works in cycles so I’m sure before too long you’ll find yourself taken down a peg or two.

[Anonymous]

I am not caught up on this thread, so apologies of advanced degrees have already been discussed.

I had a baby at 35. First, I earned a PhD and then was able to gain a foothold in a rewarding career. Until academia (and American culture, more broadly) can support young families with material resources such as affordable childcare and flexible fellowships, then having a child at a young age forecloses the possibility of higher degrees in many fields. I don't regret any of my own decisions, but would love to see more opportunities for other women.

[Anonymous]

The problem with having a baby too young is that you often pick a crappy father because most of us just aren't making wise mate choices at that age.

Hence the skyhigh divorce rates of those marrying young.

Seriously OP -- that's what you want? Kids with Dads who don't GAF about them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]I hope you support paid family leave and universal affordable childcare, and candidates that push for those policies.[/b]

I do, but in the past, everyone started having kids in their early 20's and none of these things existed.

But then a family could live on one salary and women weren't suppose to have careers outside their homes. We can't live on one salary anymore.

You could, you just don’t want to.

Sure, we could. Buy an inexpensive house in a neighborhood with poorly rated schools, pinch pennies, have all the basic needs met (food, shelter) but not be able to save for things like trips and college. And then our kids would be at a disadvantage when trying to find their way in this increasingly competitive society. Everyone wants to give their family the best possible start in life and for most, it's not possible on one income.

Well, really all you have to do for college is to live in a state with a good flagship university and your kids would be fine. But nowadays we don’t want to do that, these are our new ways. We want flashy private colleges for our kids and that costs big bucks.

Have you priced in state tuition lately?

UMCP’s Tuition, at $9996. is much much less than any private school in this whole area, even most preschools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM until I was 30, went to college at 35, graduated at 40, worked full time ever since then, one child got married at 20, my first grandchild was born when I was 42, got divorced at 43 (25 year marriage!), great-grandchildren in my 60s.

It was all my choices, society had nothing to do with it. My own parents married late (ages 31 and 40).

I don't regret one single minute of any of it. Happy life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM until I was 30, went to college at 35, graduated at 40, worked full time ever since then, one child got married at 20, my first grandchild was born when I was 42, got divorced at 43 (25 year marriage!), great-grandchildren in my 60s.

It was all my choices, society had nothing to do with it. My own parents married late (ages 31 and 40).

I don't regret one single minute of any of it. Happy life!

You are divorced. That's hardly great, and likely tied to getting married at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

I dated two men seriously, one I am married to. I was open with every guy I ever went out with that I wanted to have kids and was dating with that in mind. I met my future husband at 22. Started dating at 24, married at 27. And +4 for him (so he was 31).

I consider myself a case study in focused dating. And I consider myself lucky, because I'm the only one of my friends married, two kids in and financially and relationship stable at 33. Some have some of those things, but I have all. Mostly it was luck and I still didn't have my first until 31.

Wow you sound smug. But I find that life works in cycles so I’m sure before too long you’ll find yourself taken down a peg or two.

But please don’t wish that on anyone. Everyone does in fact experience grave misfortune but we don’t wish that on others!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

I dated two men seriously, one I am married to. I was open with every guy I ever went out with that I wanted to have kids and was dating with that in mind. I met my future husband at 22. Started dating at 24, married at 27. And +4 for him (so he was 31).

I consider myself a case study in focused dating. And I consider myself lucky, because I'm the only one of my friends married, two kids in and financially and relationship stable at 33. Some have some of those things, but I have all. Mostly it was luck and I still didn't have my first until 31.

Wow you sound smug. But I find that life works in cycles so I’m sure before too long you’ll find yourself taken down a peg or two.

How evil hearted of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM until I was 30, went to college at 35, graduated at 40, worked full time ever since then, one child got married at 20, my first grandchild was born when I was 42, got divorced at 43 (25 year marriage!), great-grandchildren in my 60s.

It was all my choices, society had nothing to do with it. My own parents married late (ages 31 and 40).

I don't regret one single minute of any of it. Happy life!

You are divorced. That's hardly great, and likely tied to getting married at 18.

Omg - judgey judgey!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^^ Did it occur to you that you did not attract men who wanted to settle down because you were not interested in settling down?

I dated two men seriously, one I am married to. I was open with every guy I ever went out with that I wanted to have kids and was dating with that in mind. I met my future husband at 22. Started dating at 24, married at 27. And +4 for him (so he was 31).

I consider myself a case study in focused dating. And I consider myself lucky, because I'm the only one of my friends married, two kids in and financially and relationship stable at 33. Some have some of those things, but I have all. Mostly it was luck and I still didn't have my first until 31.

Wow you sound smug. But I find that life works in cycles so I’m sure before too long you’ll find yourself taken down a peg or two.

How evil hearted of you.

Exactly. We all need less of this.

[Anonymous]

Nothing good is going to happen in a thread like this. Why, OP?

[Anonymous]

Well, I didn't meet my spouse until we were in our early 30s, so, what can you do? "Society" had nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I had my kids at 23 and 25. I spent nights or weekends working as a PA. DH worked in tech and we were stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, had no support and just got by. I thought I was going to fall apart regularly until my youngest hit K and things seemed to get easier. So, I just think the combo of working, parenting, and lack of community/family support is a shitty one.

I do think it's strange being done with kids now. I'm 43 and my good friend just had her first at 41. I look at her life and am like whew...glad it's not me.

I do have to say we are still in the thick of supporting college kids and building our retirement, so it's not like we are chilling in the old folks home. We work the same as we always have before. DH travels more now, I join him when I can if it's a decent city he's working in, but I still work in the same ER I worked in when I was 24 and out of PA school.

Yeah I think this is pretty standard. I first met my now-DH when we were 22 and 23 respectively. Had we hit it off then and dated/married/had a kid in quick succession, that kid wouldn't have seen DH much during its first 3-5 years thanks to back-to-back deployments. I would've had to work whatever job I could find in the areas where DH was stationed, so probably not building either a stable career trajectory or a decent saving/retirement account (and obviously not likely to be near family support). Instead, we started dating at 26/27, married at 29/30, first kid at 31/32, and we're stable and comfortable. Our parents are all roughly the same age, but health-wise, only one set is likely to see our kid grow up beyond elementary school.

What's standard? When I posted, I made the point that having children is hard, particularly when you are lacking in family/community support.

I made nearly 100K when I first was working as a PA. DH made a similar amount. So, we had money to support ourselves and weirdly were able to purchase a home and pay down loans, etc.

Oddly, my salary has sort of stagnated (I make around 150k), but DH now makes three times what I make in a good year -- he's in sales. In a bad one, he probably lands around where I am, though he's had blips of unemployment as well.

I was agreeing/sympathizing with you - that couples who have kids early face not-insignificant challenges to keeping their heads above water. Not that it's not doable, or that they don't come out the other side satisfied with their choices, just that there are likely to be fewer resources and therefore greater instability.