Stay-At-Home-Mother but not Housekeeper

[Anonymous]

So a big thing for me, as a SAHM, is the [i]expectation[/] that I am "the housekeeper". I don't mind cleaning up when I have the time and feel like it but I don't want my DH or my kids to think that role falls solely - or even primarily - on me. We outsource a lot and I expect everyone in the family to help out. Sometimes I do more, sometimes I do less, but it's never just my job.

[Anonymous]

I used to open up the tupperware cabinet and let my kids pull out and play with whatever they wanted to play with while I cooked or did dishes.

I tried giving them wooden spoons and pots to beat on...they weren't too impressed. But stacking tupperware, rolling it across the floor, fitting the small pieces into the big pieces....they loved that. I would run it through the dishwasher afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who have cleaners once or three times a week, how much does this cost?? I am toying with having cleaners once a month and even this feels like it will be a squeeze on our budget.

We have a cleaning company come in, five people, one hour for a five room house. $100.

Five rooms total, or 5 bedrooms?

Total five rooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want a million dollars but I don't want to work. See how ridiculous that sounds? Your plan won't work and you sound lazy. "I want to do all of the fun Mom things, but none of the hard work mom things!"

I don't think narration, reading, singing and engaging a baby all day is necessarily the "fun Mom things". I am not even sure I am going to like nursing. I am staying home for our child not to take care of our house.

I understand I could be very naive and dead wrong about how this is going to work out. Thanks for the responses.

You shouldn't be "engaging" your baby all day. Babies need down time, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who does this but she is very wealthy. She has a full time housekeeper who also acts as house manager as well as a personal chef who comes in once a week and makes five dinners for the couple and a few dishes for their now toddler. The woman says she does less "housework" than she did when she was single.

I think if you can't afford this scenario, then you're not going to be happy.

Having a weekly cleaning service with a baby and you expecting all extraneous messes to be cleaned by your husband is unrealistic. And trust me, there will be messes! Like when you are changing your kid's diaper and you and everything around you gets covered in projectile diarrhea. Are you going to just let that mess stay until your husband is home? Or when your kid is a toddler and learning to feed their self and every other bite is thrown around the room.

Even if you are the one getting up each night with a fussy baby, your husband, assuming he doesn't sleep like a rock, will still wake and take time to fall back asleep, which will mean he's not functioning at 100% the next day at work. That makes him tired, which makes him just want to come home and crash at the end of the day, not do laundry and clean messes from hours before.

I think it sounds realistic and good in your heads now, but at first time parents, you have no idea. I think this scenario will lead to tension and resentment. If he's always cleaning and doing chores, when is he bonding with the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, remember that a working couple who employ a nanny (like my husband and me) have to split the remaining household chores after work, or hire them out.

You are still the parent, just as your DH is, even if your "job" is nanny during the day. You can't just say because you WAH, you have fulfilled your part of the after work domestic burden!

This. You and your husband will have different jobs during the day, but household stuff has to get done: adult laundry, making and cleaning up after dinner, tidying stuff up, paying bills, repairs, etc. It's fine if you want a weekly housecleaning service, but unless you are paying them to do all those things, there will be tasks that need to be done in the evenings and on weekends. Do you really think it's fair for your husband to do all of those things?

[Anonymous]

Most Stay-At-Home-Dads get a pass on the housework.

[Anonymous]

I think that Op said that she expects to take care of the little messes throughout the day but that a weekly cleaning person would do the normal housekeeping (scrubbing floors, showers, etc). That seems reasonable.

I agree that saving all the poopy laundry, mashed in baby food, spit up stains, potty accidents, etc for your husband to deal with after a long day at work would be pretty bad..

[Anonymous]

I'll never forget the time that my potty training son was sitting on the potty pooping. I was right there with him but ran out to the kitchen to stir something on the stove. Next thing I know he's running past the kitchen....done that fast.

Turns out, he must have stood up to wipe himself and a big piece of poo fell on the floor. He pulled up his pants, stepping in the poop in the process and proceeded to track the poop down the hallway. I had poop to scrub out of the carpet, poop to get out of the treads of his shoe and poop to clean up in the bathroom. I can not imagine waiting for my husband to get home to take care of that!

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have a good starting point, but once the child is here, you may find that your priorities change.

For example, we hire out A LOT. I only work PT, but we have a full time nanny (4 kids) and a PT housekeeper, plus a weekly deep-cleaning service and a lawn service. Even so, there are a lot of things only I or DH can do. Most of my kids are in at least part day school now, but one reason we have a full time nanny was so that I would be available for things like today's Mother's Day Tea at preschool without having to bring YDS. So I get wanting to have that focus on your child.

But, if I didn't do some of the other stuff during the week, like plan menus, or reorganize closets, or buy kid shoes, we'd have to do them in the evenings or on weekends. And what we really want to do during those times is be a family and go places together, or just relax.

I hear that you don't want to have 100% of the domestic responsibilities b/c you SAH. But don't erect such a rigid wall between you and those responsibilities that you lose sight of other goals. Be flexible; continue to have open communication with your DH. It will be tragic if you guys end up fighting over whose turn it is to plan dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most Stay-At-Home-Dads get a pass on the housework.

They all hire housekeepers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most Stay-At-Home-Dads get a pass on the housework.

So true. And the SAHMs who are attacking mothers like Op and I smile at the Dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you have a good starting point, but once the child is here, you may find that your priorities change.

For example, we hire out A LOT. I only work PT, but we have a full time nanny (4 kids) and a PT housekeeper, plus a weekly deep-cleaning service and a lawn service. Even so, there are a lot of things only I or DH can do. Most of my kids are in at least part day school now, but one reason we have a full time nanny was so that I would be available for things like today's Mother's Day Tea at preschool without having to bring YDS. So I get wanting to have that focus on your child.

But, if I didn't do some of the other stuff during the week, like plan menus, or reorganize closets, or buy kid shoes, we'd have to do them in the evenings or on weekends. And what we really want to do during those times is be a family and go places together, or just relax.

I hear that you don't want to have 100% of the domestic responsibilities b/c you SAH. But don't erect such a rigid wall between you and those responsibilities that you lose sight of other goals. Be flexible; continue to have open communication with your DH. It will be tragic if you guys end up fighting over whose turn it is to plan dinner.

O.k. you pretty much have a domestic staff at your house. You are a butler, cook and chauffer away from living like Lady Di, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you have a good starting point, but once the child is here, you may find that your priorities change.

For example, we hire out A LOT. I only work PT, but we have a full time nanny (4 kids) and a PT housekeeper, plus a weekly deep-cleaning service and a lawn service. Even so, there are a lot of things only I or DH can do. Most of my kids are in at least part day school now, but one reason we have a full time nanny was so that I would be available for things like today's Mother's Day Tea at preschool without having to bring YDS. So I get wanting to have that focus on your child.

But, if I didn't do some of the other stuff during the week, like plan menus, or reorganize closets, or buy kid shoes, we'd have to do them in the evenings or on weekends. And what we really want to do during those times is be a family and go places together, or just relax.

I hear that you don't want to have 100% of the domestic responsibilities b/c you SAH. But don't erect such a rigid wall between you and those responsibilities that you lose sight of other goals. Be flexible; continue to have open communication with your DH. It will be tragic if you guys end up fighting over whose turn it is to plan dinner.

O.k. you pretty much have a domestic staff at your house. You are a butler, cook and chauffer away from living like Lady Di, lol.

Yeah ... Not so much!

[Anonymous]

When you cook and clean, you ARE caring for your baby. It shouldn't be just the SAHP's responsibility, but it's not like parenting = only playing with and engaging your baby. When you are making a meal while your toddler is watching a show, you are parenting!