Why do so many men feel entitled to sex within a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here: When I married my wife I went in with the mindset that I was committed to meeting her needs over the long term. We've talked openly about our needs and some of hers include:
- Me talking to her every day without being distracted
- Being fiscally responsible and earning a good living
- Helping around the house: I pick up, do dishes, clean the kitchen, make the bed, put away laundry, do the grocery shopping, etc
- Being a good parent: I do homework every night, participate in cubscouts, do stuff with the kid every day.

I'm 45 and stay very fit (avid cyclist, gym guy) when I started having ED issuses I went and saw my doc and went through a series of embarassing conversations plus tests.

I'm naturally disinterested in doing most of the items above and I wouldn't do them if it wasn't something she needed. If she were to get to a point where she was unwilling to meet my needs just because some article on Jezebel resonated with her that wouldn't work for me. That's not a mature or realistic or sustainable view of a relationship.

How about exhaustion, depression, anxiety, cancer, ..... really... you think people are not having sex because of a Jezebel article?

I doubt you talk EVERY DAY without distraction or if you only had time for 3 time a week now that you have kids I doubt you wife would emotionally abuse you.

Of course a serious medical condition changes things.

Your last sentence was incoherent and I couldn't understand your point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a woman and I feel entitled to a certain level of sex and physical affection within my marriage. On demand, whether he is in the mood or not? No, but I would be pretty hurt if he withheld sexual and other physical affection.

I guess that makes me a monster, too.

If your H has cancer and is fighting for his life and puking in a bucket and can't get enough energy to care for his children and all you want is for him to put out a couple times a week... I guess you are.

Perhaps you can point out for me where in my post I said that I expect sex a couple of times per week under all circumstances, even when he is going through a possibly terminal health issue.

Projecting much?

Bolded it for you.

You bolded a statement, but not one that said I would expect it if my husband was dying. You are projecting beyond belief. Anyone with even a shred of common sense knows that there are many exceptions.

and anybody with a shred of common sense knows that many people have issues... exhaustion, a baby was just born, anxiety, depression, disabilities, etc. There are many issues that get in the way of sex. Cancer is one.

You did not say, I expect sex... except when you have a good reason to not have sex. that is a normal marriage. It's the entitled spouses that are the issue. That is what this thread is about. Why do people feel entitled to sex when their spouses have good reason why they don't want to or can't have sex as much as the spouse wants, why do they feel entitled to sex as often as they want and the other spouse can't be entitled to have sex as little as they want.

You are not entitled to as little sex as you want if it is below the minimum level that your spouse wants, because you are not entitled to be married to your spouse. Your spouse is entitled to divorce you if you refuse to have whatever level of sex he or she wants. And the simple fact is your spouse most likely will divorce you if you continue to refuse this minimum level of sex over an extended period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here: When I married my wife I went in with the mindset that I was committed to meeting her needs over the long term. We've talked openly about our needs and some of hers include:
- Me talking to her every day without being distracted
- Being fiscally responsible and earning a good living
- Helping around the house: I pick up, do dishes, clean the kitchen, make the bed, put away laundry, do the grocery shopping, etc
- Being a good parent: I do homework every night, participate in cubscouts, do stuff with the kid every day.

I'm 45 and stay very fit (avid cyclist, gym guy) when I started having ED issuses I went and saw my doc and went through a series of embarassing conversations plus tests.

I'm naturally disinterested in doing most of the items above and I wouldn't do them if it wasn't something she needed. If she were to get to a point where she was unwilling to meet my needs just because some article on Jezebel resonated with her that wouldn't work for me. That's not a mature or realistic or sustainable view of a relationship.

How about exhaustion, depression, anxiety, cancer, ..... really... you think people are not having sex because of a Jezebel article?

I doubt you talk EVERY DAY without distraction or if you only had time for 3 time a week now that you have kids I doubt you wife would emotionally abuse you.

Of course a serious medical condition changes things.

Your last sentence was incoherent and I couldn't understand your point.

Define "serious" ...

You said, "Me talking to her every day without being distracted".... if this does not happen, she can just withdraw love... because you did not meet some random expectation she created in her head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If marriage doesn't entitle a man to sex, remind me why any man would agree to it?

If I gotta work for it anyway, might as well sleep around and avoid any chance of getting screwed in a divorce.

Enjoy dying alone.

Because a man's value is all about his ability to get laid and/or find a partner, amirite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm a woman and I feel entitled to a certain level of sex and physical affection within my marriage. On demand, whether he is in the mood or not? No, but I would be pretty hurt if he withheld sexual and other physical affection.

I guess that makes me a monster, too.

If your H has cancer and is fighting for his life and puking in a bucket and can't get enough energy to care for his children and all you want is for him to put out a couple times a week... I guess you are.

Perhaps you can point out for me where in my post I said that I expect sex a couple of times per week under all circumstances, even when he is going through a possibly terminal health issue.

Projecting much?

Bolded it for you.

You bolded a statement, but not one that said I would expect it if my husband was dying. You are projecting beyond belief. Anyone with even a shred of common sense knows that there are many exceptions.

and anybody with a shred of common sense knows that many people have issues... exhaustion, a baby was just born, anxiety, depression, disabilities, etc. There are many issues that get in the way of sex. Cancer is one.

You did not say, I expect sex... except when you have a good reason to not have sex. that is a normal marriage. It's the entitled spouses that are the issue. That is what this thread is about. Why do people feel entitled to sex when their spouses have good reason why they don't want to or can't have sex as much as the spouse wants, why do they feel entitled to sex as often as they want and the other spouse can't be entitled to have sex as little as they want.

You are not entitled to as little sex as you want if it is below the minimum level that your spouse wants, because you are not entitled to be married to your spouse. Your spouse is entitled to divorce you if you refuse to have whatever level of sex he or she wants. And the simple fact is your spouse most likely will divorce you if you continue to refuse this minimum level of sex over an extended period.

Not really. I am entitled to NOT have sex when I decide. YOU are NOT entitled to have sex with my body when I choose to not have sex... that would be rape.

You can divorce your spouse for any reason. You can divorce because they don't put the top on the toothpaste. It would be unreasonable, but you sound unreasonable.

There are tons of things my spouse does or does not do, that is life, nothing in life is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here: When I married my wife I went in with the mindset that I was committed to meeting her needs over the long term. We've talked openly about our needs and some of hers include:
- Me talking to her every day without being distracted
- Being fiscally responsible and earning a good living
- Helping around the house: I pick up, do dishes, clean the kitchen, make the bed, put away laundry, do the grocery shopping, etc
- Being a good parent: I do homework every night, participate in cubscouts, do stuff with the kid every day.

I'm 45 and stay very fit (avid cyclist, gym guy) when I started having ED issuses I went and saw my doc and went through a series of embarassing conversations plus tests.

I'm naturally disinterested in doing most of the items above and I wouldn't do them if it wasn't something she needed. If she were to get to a point where she was unwilling to meet my needs just because some article on Jezebel resonated with her that wouldn't work for me. That's not a mature or realistic or sustainable view of a relationship.

How about exhaustion, depression, anxiety, cancer, ..... really... you think people are not having sex because of a Jezebel article?

I doubt you talk EVERY DAY without distraction or if you only had time for 3 time a week now that you have kids I doubt you wife would emotionally abuse you.

Of course a serious medical condition changes things.

Your last sentence was incoherent and I couldn't understand your point.

Define "serious" ...

You said, "Me talking to her every day without being distracted".... if this does not happen, she can just withdraw love... because you did not meet some random expectation she created in her head.

Thankfully, she's not that binary. We're both reasonable people and try to create an environment thats a great place to be for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here: When I married my wife I went in with the mindset that I was committed to meeting her needs over the long term. We've talked openly about our needs and some of hers include:
- Me talking to her every day without being distracted
- Being fiscally responsible and earning a good living
- Helping around the house: I pick up, do dishes, clean the kitchen, make the bed, put away laundry, do the grocery shopping, etc
- Being a good parent: I do homework every night, participate in cubscouts, do stuff with the kid every day.

I'm 45 and stay very fit (avid cyclist, gym guy) when I started having ED issuses I went and saw my doc and went through a series of embarassing conversations plus tests.

I'm naturally disinterested in doing most of the items above and I wouldn't do them if it wasn't something she needed. If she were to get to a point where she was unwilling to meet my needs just because some article on Jezebel resonated with her that wouldn't work for me. That's not a mature or realistic or sustainable view of a relationship.

Stop doing the traditionally female household chores. That invariably kills a woman's desire for her husband. Trading household chores for sex never works. Do the manly stuff like change the oil on your car or something.

Stop doing your childrens' homework. They should do their own homework. Only women/moms think they are helping kids learn by "helping them with their homework." You are emulating what your wife wants you to do, not what is best for the child. If your child can't do the homework on his or her own, have a meeting with the teacher and find out why. The kid needs to learn how to gain self reliance and be responsible for their own work. The other stuff you mention I assume you would want to do regardless of what your wife did or didn't want.

Stop doing what you are disinterested in, or indeed, you will end up in a Jezebel inspired marital trainwreck, sooner or later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here: When I married my wife I went in with the mindset that I was committed to meeting her needs over the long term. We've talked openly about our needs and some of hers include:
- Me talking to her every day without being distracted
- Being fiscally responsible and earning a good living
- Helping around the house: I pick up, do dishes, clean the kitchen, make the bed, put away laundry, do the grocery shopping, etc
- Being a good parent: I do homework every night, participate in cubscouts, do stuff with the kid every day.

I'm 45 and stay very fit (avid cyclist, gym guy) when I started having ED issuses I went and saw my doc and went through a series of embarassing conversations plus tests.

I'm naturally disinterested in doing most of the items above and I wouldn't do them if it wasn't something she needed. If she were to get to a point where she was unwilling to meet my needs just because some article on Jezebel resonated with her that wouldn't work for me. That's not a mature or realistic or sustainable view of a relationship.

How about exhaustion, depression, anxiety, cancer, ..... really... you think people are not having sex because of a Jezebel article?

I doubt you talk EVERY DAY without distraction or if you only had time for 3 time a week now that you have kids I doubt you wife would emotionally abuse you.

Of course a serious medical condition changes things.

Your last sentence was incoherent and I couldn't understand your point.

Define "serious" ...

You said, "Me talking to her every day without being distracted".... if this does not happen, she can just withdraw love... because you did not meet some random expectation she created in her head.

Thankfully, she's not that binary. We're both reasonable people and try to create an environment thats a great place to be for both of us.

... for now.... nobody knows what the future holds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here: When I married my wife I went in with the mindset that I was committed to meeting her needs over the long term. We've talked openly about our needs and some of hers include:
- Me talking to her every day without being distracted
- Being fiscally responsible and earning a good living
- Helping around the house: I pick up, do dishes, clean the kitchen, make the bed, put away laundry, do the grocery shopping, etc
- Being a good parent: I do homework every night, participate in cubscouts, do stuff with the kid every day.

I'm 45 and stay very fit (avid cyclist, gym guy) when I started having ED issuses I went and saw my doc and went through a series of embarassing conversations plus tests.

I'm naturally disinterested in doing most of the items above and I wouldn't do them if it wasn't something she needed. If she were to get to a point where she was unwilling to meet my needs just because some article on Jezebel resonated with her that wouldn't work for me. That's not a mature or realistic or sustainable view of a relationship.

Stop doing the traditionally female household chores. That invariably kills a woman's desire for her husband. Trading household chores for sex never works. Do the manly stuff like change the oil on your car or something.

Stop doing your childrens' homework. They should do their own homework. Only women/moms think they are helping kids learn by "helping them with their homework." You are emulating what your wife wants you to do, not what is best for the child. If your child can't do the homework on his or her own, have a meeting with the teacher and find out why. The kid needs to learn how to gain self reliance and be responsible for their own work. The other stuff you mention I assume you would want to do regardless of what your wife did or didn't want.

Stop doing what you are disinterested in, or indeed, you will end up in a Jezebel inspired marital trainwreck, sooner or later.

I'm more than happy with my sex life.

Go try to sort out your own life. Mine is working just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread really misses the mark. It talks of spouses wanting to have sex all the time, no matter what the circumstances, and feeling that they are entitled to it. In those situations I agree that is not cool to feel that you are owed that whenever you want.

That said, in marriages I feel that is a very small minority of the cases. The majority of situations are marriages where sex has slowed to a trickle or died off completely. As a husband who has had sex three times in the past two years, am I unreasonable to feel rejected, hurt and generally disappointed with my wife for this? I married my wife because I loved her, found her to be beautiful inside and out and never wanted to look at another woman again. I also expected that she would value me, respect me and take into consideration my feelings, including me desire for her and desire to have sex with her. What spouses not having sex feel is not blue balls, or "why is she not putting out as much as I want her to"; but rather "she just doesn't care enough about me to do something with me that she knows is important to me".

Let's say a woman had a really hard day, comes home to her husband for support and he says "I had a great day today, I'm sorry you did not but I don't really want to ruin my day by listening to what happened to you, maybe go call a friend for support." Now play that scenario over the course of weeks, months and or years. I would love to hear a woman on here say that she would be ok with that situation and that the wife should not feel "entitled" to that support from her husband. Counter how that is different than sex in the context of a long term committed relationship? It's not that men (or women in some cases) are super horny people that only care about their sexual satisfaction, but rather hurt, rejected and generally deflated by their spouse not wanting to participate in the one thing that only that spouse can provide. If you feel that is an ok way to go through a relationship with someone for the rest of your life that is fine, but I don't think that most people do.

The choice faced by spouses not having sex is to either give up on sex completely and live an unfulfilled life, break their marriage vows by cheating or blow up their lives and their children's lives completely by getting a divorce. The person denying sex is making the selfish choice to say "I understand you are not satisfied with how things are, but what I want is just more important and if you want to be in a sexual relationship you can alter your entire life to get it or just suck it up and deal." I don't think that expecting sex with your spouse is being entitled. It is expecting that they will care for you, value you and take your needs and desires into consideration. By not having sex the spouse is essentially saying "I care more about me than you, deal with it or leave". I have chosen to deal with it becuase I don't want my children to go through a divorce and multiple families, but I am unhappy and unfulfilled in my life. Yes I have the power to alter it by leaving, but there are other lives at stake and I will not hurt them for my own personal happiness. That is what spouses face, not feeling that they are "entitled" to sex because we are married.

You seem to be equating asking for emotional support after a hard day at work with asking for sex. Your analogy implies that men are expected to provide emotional support, so why shouldn't women be expected to provide sex.

First, I disagree with your premise that men are expected to provide emotional support against their will.

But, even accepting that they are, do you really think being asked to provide emotional support when one isn't in the mood and being asked to provide sex when one isn't in the mood are the same thing?

Sex is a very intimate act. The emotional aside, you are sticking your body parts inside of me. You are touching me in traditionally private areas. You are, likely, seeing me naked. You are potentially exposing me to some pretty serious consequences -- getting pregnant or getting an STD -- although you may think those two unlikely in particular circumstances.

Can you really not see a difference between responding to "I had a shitty day, can you listen to me" and "have sex with me"?

PP here. I think that you are missing the point. It is about the relationship, not the actual act. So in terms of is listening to a spouse the same as having sex with them, no because the acts and the energy required is different. What I am trying to say, and what I think a lot of spouses who are not having sex because they don't feel up to it for whatever reason don't really understand, is that sex is not just getting off. It is bonding, it is a connection, it is a validation of love for one another.

So in that regard I would say it is the same as the man not listening to his wife. Because in the scenario I listed about the hard day, the husband is saying I know this is important to you, as your husband I know that you need me to and value me listening and being supportive for you, but I am choosing not to. The reason sexless marriages hurt is not that I am not physically getting off, but I am sharing with you something that is important to me and you are saying that you don't value me enough to do it. The same as if the husband does not choose to provide emotional support. Or pick a grander event for the comparison if needed. For example picking up an in law at the hospital 3 hours away at 4:00 in the morning after someone passed away becuase your wife or anyone else in the family simply could not manage doing it. I sure as hell did not want to do that but I love my wife and respect her so I did. Does that make her "entitled" to expect that I will stand up and take care of her when she needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here: When I married my wife I went in with the mindset that I was committed to meeting her needs over the long term. We've talked openly about our needs and some of hers include:
- Me talking to her every day without being distracted
- Being fiscally responsible and earning a good living
- Helping around the house: I pick up, do dishes, clean the kitchen, make the bed, put away laundry, do the grocery shopping, etc
- Being a good parent: I do homework every night, participate in cubscouts, do stuff with the kid every day.

I'm 45 and stay very fit (avid cyclist, gym guy) when I started having ED issuses I went and saw my doc and went through a series of embarassing conversations plus tests.

I'm naturally disinterested in doing most of the items above and I wouldn't do them if it wasn't something she needed. If she were to get to a point where she was unwilling to meet my needs just because some article on Jezebel resonated with her that wouldn't work for me. That's not a mature or realistic or sustainable view of a relationship.

Stop doing the traditionally female household chores. That invariably kills a woman's desire for her husband. Trading household chores for sex never works. Do the manly stuff like change the oil on your car or something.

Stop doing your childrens' homework. They should do their own homework. Only women/moms think they are helping kids learn by "helping them with their homework." You are emulating what your wife wants you to do, not what is best for the child. If your child can't do the homework on his or her own, have a meeting with the teacher and find out why. The kid needs to learn how to gain self reliance and be responsible for their own work. The other stuff you mention I assume you would want to do regardless of what your wife did or didn't want.

Stop doing what you are disinterested in, or indeed, you will end up in a Jezebel inspired marital trainwreck, sooner or later.

I'm more than happy with my sex life.

Go try to sort out your own life. Mine is working just fine.

Says the false bravado of the guy who wears an apron and has ED problems.

And sees no connection between the two.

[Anonymous]

I lve it when my DH throws me up agains the wall and f**ks my brains out!

[Anonymous]

After skimming through 13 pages, the only lesson here is simply this: you can be right or you can be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I lve it when my DH throws me up agains the wall and f**ks my brains out!

You're a normal woman.

You don't belong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After skimming through 13 pages, the only lesson here is simply this: you can be right or you can be happy.

+1
Do we want to be right or get it right is the question