Don't Let a Guy Waste Your Most Eligible Years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post reflects some fucked up notions about a woman's value. As if physical beauty is the beginning and end of what she has to offer. As if it's a good idea for her to "lock in" a life time with a guy who wouldn't want to be with her if she met him in her 30s. As if it's illegal for her to propose.

Date someone who is kind to you. If you love them, marry them. If they don't want to get married & you do, move on to someone else who is kind to you. Repeat as necessary.

x 1000

A lot of women don't even want to get married anymore (Google the millennials take on it). You don't need a husband to have a baby anymore either.

Anyone who thinks it would be fine for a woman to have a baby on her own, and not try hard to be able to do it with a partner instead, cannot possibly be a parent. Do you have any idea of the sleepless nights, the trying to hang on for a few minutes more for your partner to get home so you can hand off the baby because you are at your wit's end? Do you know how many diapers need to be changed (around 8 per day), the teeth that will need to brushed twice a day, the meals prepared, drop offs, pickups, paperwork, doctor visits. Do you know that day care usually costs around $1,500 per month, and that two-parent families struggle with the schedule, and one may go into work at 5:00 a.m. and leave work at 3:00 p.m., so the other parent can drop off at 9:00, and work until 7:30 p.m., so the child isn't warehoused in day care 12 hours per day and develop behavioral problems? Do you know you will not be able to make one move without bringing the baby or child along or making advance arrangements for a sitter at probably $15 per hour? Even what would have been a quick stop at the grocery store will involve getting the child in and out of a car seat, wrestling him or her into the shopping cart (if cooperative), saying no to a dozen pleadings and possibly dealing with a melt-down while everyone stares and you and is probably thinking what a terrible parent you are, leaving the grocery cart in the aisle while you make an unexpected terrifying dash for the restroom with a child who stubbornly insisted that he or she did not have to go (or you are unexpectedly changing a poopy diaper at Safeway or your preferred grocery store). Nothing will be quick, easy, or simple again for YEARS. Don't do this on your own unless you have absolutely no other option. I think it may be better not to do it at all than to do it alone.

Plenty of single parents out there. Wouldn't be my first choice, but again, life is not perfect. Not for everybody anyway. Besides, some families are actually close, and mothers get the support they need. Saying that an unmarried woman cannot be a parent is wrong and ill-spirited.

No, it's in the best interest of the child. But of course no one thinks about that.

Widow here. Are my kids screwed?

I am sorry for your loss. No your kids are not screwed. However can you share how different it is parenting by yourself vs when your spouse was around. Also if you can share how the loss of their father has had an impact on your children. Good luck and all the best with the journey ahead.

[Anonymous]

I was widowed too. My kids are grown now but they were 1 and 6 when their dad died. What is invisible is when they lost their dad, they lost me, because I ended up working two jobs, then ended up going to medical school, which meant I was absent for seven years. My mom helped a lot and his mom helped some in the summers. Then I traded a place to live for child care with another mom who wanted to be a more stay at home mom. Both my kids are very proud of me, but even they will say they didn't see their mom for seven years.....even though nights and weekends I was home, but I was studying a lot.

On the other side, my sons and I are very close now. They both moved to live close to me, and we routinely do things together. They were kind of crappy teens, but they grew out of it. Neither are very academic, I think if I had been home and did homework with them more I could have nurtured that, but they're both good people.

I think they will end up wanting therapy at some point in their life because of all the loss. I don't think they are very well adjusted, and I don't think they are very resilient. People think you go through hard times that it makes you stronger. Maybe. But sometimes I see that you are so worn out, when the next crisis comes, there's nothing left to draw on as resources to cope. It's like those walls are worn out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's an interesting scenario. I've actually been in a relationship with a woman who was 37 when I was 32. Clearly I had the time advantage on my side (no biological clock, etc.). However, at one point in the relationship she did some really unfair stuff to me (including us going sexless for 1 year). Rather than break up with her, I stuck around for 2 extra years just to make sure she lost something (time) too. Seemed fair to me. I was in no rush to move on and we got along as friends, just our sex life had gone to crap. So I basically waited her out. She realized I wouldn't propose when the sex life didn't come back. And she also realized she was about to turn 39. I feel like it was fair.

Did you not have a sex for that year or were you cheating on her?

[Anonymous]

I think the OP says it all.

Gals, if you're young.. Or not young, get the hell out early,

I've wasted 11 years. No children, no ring, and the only career that has thrived is his as I've allowed myself to be the "trailer" during a relocation.

I did it for love, but truth is, he gives a flying fuck. From the gals perspective: Don't do it. Now, extracting myself means paying the dues I've lost, without realizing all (or any) of dreams I had.

Don't be an idiot. He doesn't put a ring on it? Give yourself 2 years. Then get the fuck out. It will hurt less, and you will have less invested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP says it all.

Gals, if you're young.. Or not young, get the hell out early,

I've wasted 11 years. No children, no ring, and the only career that has thrived is his as I've allowed myself to be the "trailer" during a relocation.

I did it for love, but truth is, he gives a flying fuck. From the gals perspective: Don't do it. Now, extracting myself means paying the dues I've lost, without realizing all (or any) of dreams I had.

Don't be an idiot. He doesn't put a ring on it? Give yourself 2 years. Then get the fuck out. It will hurt less, and you will have less invested.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly did not realize women waited for men to propose. This is so odd to me.

How old are you and what is your gender?

45yo female

When I met my H at 23 I told him I was not looking to be serious, we dated on and off, not monogamous.
3 years later when I realized he might be the guy and I was 26 I told him that I wanted to get married evnetually and I was going to look for a monogamous relationship, I asked if he was interested. He said, I am not ready for a commitment. So I said, "Awesome, love you, hope you have a great life". No big awful break-up, I was sad, he was sad.... but life goes on.
8 months later he asked me on a a date and I told him I was not interested unless he was thinking of a monogamous relationship. He said he was.
We were monogamous for 2 years and moved in together, ate mac and cheese and jug wine for the next 2 years and bought a house... got married somewhere in between.

I was never just waiting to be proposed to, I had an idea of what I wanted out of life, I communicated that consistently for years and he had the same goals. When he didn't we were not together.

So neither of you proposed? And you moved in before you got married? Huh. I'm a 48 year old female and wouldn't have done it your way. By chance, do you have children?

neither proposed but my H wanted to get me a ring because he though people would think he was a cheapskate.
Yes. We moved in before we got married, actually bought a house before too.
We have 2 children. 12 and 15

I can not tell you how many people assumed that I was the one waiting on him. It was a little pathetic. He actually wanted to get married before we bought the house but I really wanted to make sure we could get into a house first, our apartment was pathetic and we did go away to get married, so I could not commit the funds to a vacation over the house. I know... you wouldn't have done it that way.

Great. You're not traditional or conformist. But you seriously don't have any girlfriends who expected proposals, to the extent you didn't realize men actually proposed?

My friends who had proposals knew it was coming just didn't know the day, they did not date guys wondering if they would ever get the proposal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP says it all.

Gals, if you're young.. Or not young, get the hell out early,

I've wasted 11 years. No children, no ring, and the only career that has thrived is his as I've allowed myself to be the "trailer" during a relocation.

I did it for love, but truth is, he gives a flying fuck. From the gals perspective: Don't do it. Now, extracting myself means paying the dues I've lost, without realizing all (or any) of dreams I had.

Don't be an idiot. He doesn't put a ring on it? Give yourself 2 years. Then get the fuck out. It will hurt less, and you will have less invested.

So he marries you and leaves 11 years in... That is better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My friends who had proposals knew it was coming just didn't know the day, they did not date guys wondering if they would ever get the proposal.

THIS. And the proposal and marriage was not delayed indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP says it all.

Gals, if you're young.. Or not young, get the hell out early,

I've wasted 11 years. No children, no ring, and the only career that has thrived is his as I've allowed myself to be the "trailer" during a relocation.

I did it for love, but truth is, he gives a flying fuck. From the gals perspective: Don't do it. Now, extracting myself means paying the dues I've lost, without realizing all (or any) of dreams I had.

Don't be an idiot. He doesn't put a ring on it? Give yourself 2 years. Then get the fuck out. It will hurt less, and you will have less invested.

So he marries you and leaves 11 years in... That is better?

+1 Funny how some tend to use their experiences to come up with spurious explanations and advice.

Don't fault the guy, fault yourself for not settling expectations early on. You could even come away like many DCUMers...got the ring, the kids, and whatever, but don't love the guy anymore and in a sexless, stressful prison of a marriage.

Life is short. Be happy with what you've chosen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In our early 20's we dated guys who treated us like shit. They weren't alphas, just horribly mismatched and they didn't have the balls to break up with us, so they treated us badly.

Well, also girls like to date popular guys so they can gain social status and brag to their friends. The popular guys at those ages are assholes, so it kind of comes with the territory.

Nope, not me and my friends. None of us were particularly popular. And I have a thing for geeks and nerds. And by your statement, you make it seem like daing in your 20's is like dating in HS. Everyone I know left the popularity ranking back in HS. By the time we were in college, we were happy in our (what would be unpopular in HS) tribes. Even the Geekiest guys could get dates. And even 'fat girls' who had confidence were dating (meaning, the girls who thought that being fat kept them from the dating game, just had really bad self-esteem and *that* is what was turning guys off).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My friends who had proposals knew it was coming just didn't know the day, they did not date guys wondering if they would ever get the proposal.

THIS. And the proposal and marriage was not delayed indefinitely.

Agree with this this too.

BTW, I agree the DC metro mindset is warped. I know two women (and can probably think of others) who are gorgeous and smart and, though they had occasional BFs, they just always put their career far ahead of all else in priority, all through their 20s and well into (or all the way through) their 30s. One travels usually @2 weeks a month for work and is constantly working the other weeks when she's here. Pretty tough for a courtship to work out with that schedule (not to mention the future that's suggested to guys -- kids? dinner at home? companionship?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In our early 20's we dated guys who treated us like shit. They weren't alphas, just horribly mismatched and they didn't have the balls to break up with us, so they treated us badly.

Well, also girls like to date popular guys so they can gain social status and brag to their friends. The popular guys at those ages are assholes, so it kind of comes with the territory.

Nope, not me and my friends. None of us were particularly popular. And I have a thing for geeks and nerds. And by your statement, you make it seem like daing in your 20's is like dating in HS. Everyone I know left the popularity ranking back in HS. By the time we were in college, we were happy in our (what would be unpopular in HS) tribes. Even the Geekiest guys could get dates. And even 'fat girls' who had confidence were dating (meaning, the girls who thought that being fat kept them from the dating game, just had really bad self-esteem and *that* is what was turning guys off).

So, you were happy dating in your tribes and yet, as the other PP says, you dated guys who treated you like shit? Not sure how to reconcile those two propositions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In our early 20's we dated guys who treated us like shit. They weren't alphas, just horribly mismatched and they didn't have the balls to break up with us, so they treated us badly.

Well, also girls like to date popular guys so they can gain social status and brag to their friends. The popular guys at those ages are assholes, so it kind of comes with the territory.

Nope, not me and my friends. None of us were particularly popular. And I have a thing for geeks and nerds. And by your statement, you make it seem like daing in your 20's is like dating in HS. Everyone I know left the popularity ranking back in HS. By the time we were in college, we were happy in our (what would be unpopular in HS) tribes. Even the Geekiest guys could get dates. And even 'fat girls' who had confidence were dating (meaning, the girls who thought that being fat kept them from the dating game, just had really bad self-esteem and *that* is what was turning guys off).

I find this thread obnoxious. But I want to say [phone] to this. Can we start a thread on that?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
In our early 20's we dated guys who treated us like shit. They weren't alphas, just horribly mismatched and they didn't have the balls to break up with us, so they treated us badly.

Well, also girls like to date popular guys so they can gain social status and brag to their friends. The popular guys at those ages are assholes, so it kind of comes with the territory.

Nope, not me and my friends. None of us were particularly popular. And I have a thing for geeks and nerds. And by your statement, you make it seem like daing in your 20's is like dating in HS. Everyone I know left the popularity ranking back in HS. By the time we were in college, we were happy in our (what would be unpopular in HS) tribes. Even the Geekiest guys could get dates. And even 'fat girls' who had confidence were dating (meaning, the girls who thought that being fat kept them from the dating game, just had really bad self-esteem and *that* is what was turning guys off).

So, you were happy dating in your tribes and yet, as the other PP says, you dated guys who treated you like shit? Not sure how to reconcile those two propositions.

Guys in our tribe can't also treat us like shit? Women only date popular, alpha guys? Only popular, alpha guys can treat women like shit? WOW...

We were happy in our tribes. We found people we had lots in common with. We left the need to be 'popular' in HS. But we did date guys, from our tribe, who we weren't good fits with. The relationships just weren't working out and the guys treated us like shit. They didn't have the balls to break up with us and we were told we had to 'work hard' to make a relationship work, so we stayed with them for too long. I'm FB friends with many of them and they now are good guys. But in our early 20's, they just didn't know how to act in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I take issue with this post. Your 20s are for getting to know yourself, establish your career.

I think love and romance are just as important as "establishing a career." Sometimes I think the DC mindset is seriously f*cked. There's more to life than your resume!

I think you should establish yourself careerwise and financially before deciding you've found the right person to marry and procreate with. Love and romance can wait. I met my husband at 27; it's not like I put it off forever.