Throwing husband a bone?

[Anonymous]

This thread is depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nor it is a weapon or a reward...

I feel if DWs are not willing to seriously look at how and whether they are meeting the emotional and sexual needs of their husbands and vice versa, they really have no cause for complaint if the denied spouse is stepping out on the side. You've really left them with no other choice to have those needs met.

F here. Sex as a weapon or reward is cruel.

M here, and I agree. But you can see how this dynamic starts: DH wants to have sex, DW doesn't want to for whatever reason (or no reason at all--sometimes she's just not in the mood), and when DH asks her about why not, she says "you don't do enough around the house" or "you don't do X," or "you did Y and it upset me and now I don't feel like it."

Sex has been put out there as a weapon--DH didn't earn his fuck, and DW withholds what he wants.

So, DH does what she asks, and expects his reward, and the downward spiral begins.

You do realize this works both ways, right? DW isn't having her needs met outside the bedroom so her level of desire and attraction is low. She complains and DH says he would be better if he got more sex. She complies but still doesn't get what she wants and the downward spiral begins.

NP here: I don't think the dynamic is this symmetrical. Many men have experienced the contrary, because what the DW *says* will make her want more sex does not, in many cases, actually make her want more sex. OTOH, I have seen many posts on female-oriented message boards talking about how much nicer their DH is to deal with when he gets more sex.

Oh, no question he's in a much better mood. That doesn't mean he's doing what I've asked him to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP here: I don't think the dynamic is this symmetrical. Many men have experienced the contrary, because what the DW *says* will make her want more sex does not, in many cases, actually make her want more sex. OTOH, I have seen many posts on female-oriented message boards talking about how much nicer their DH is to deal with when he gets more sex.

Oh, no question he's in a much better mood. That doesn't mean he's doing what I've asked him to do.


Well, at least you got laid. *high five*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Typically (not always), a man's sex drive is a lot more straight forward. That means he understands it better and when asked can give his spouse more reliable information.

A woman's sex drive is (often) more complicated. What makes it even more complicated is that, sometimes, it works in ways that are not entirely compatible with how she would like the overall dynamic of the relationship. What if - for example - the dynamic that would really get the woman revved up is where she gives some token resistance which her spouse overcomes to show her how hot and desirable he thinks she is and then he picks her up, hauls her into the bedroom, and throws her on the bed?

But, maybe it's tough to let him know this. First, maybe it's embarrassing. Second, maybe by *telling* him, it doesn't work -- part of what makes it hot is that he finds her so desirable, he just has to have her in spite of her resistance. Third, maybe this fantasy is at odds with her desire to have the overall relationship be entirely equal and of course have him understand that "no means no."

It's all very complicated. So, instead of telling her husband that, she says, "Oh, I'm always so tired. Maybe if you did the dishes more, I'd be more likely to want sex." But, somehow, no matter how diligently he scrubs, she's always just so tired.

[Anonymous]

15:25 makes a really good point. I wish I was more attracted to my husband (really I do) but I'm not and I just don't know why. He wants me to be more into sex and I just can't fake it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:25 makes a really good point. I wish I was more attracted to my husband (really I do) but I'm not and I just don't know why. He wants me to be more into sex and I just can't fake it.

15:25 gets a "really good point" and an image of someone banging their head on the computer. I guess mileage varies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:25 makes a really good point. I wish I was more attracted to my husband (really I do) but I'm not and I just don't know why. He wants me to be more into sex and I just can't fake it.

15:25 gets a "really good point" and an image of someone banging their head on the computer. I guess mileage varies.

Yeah, based on whether or not you're an adult who can actually communicate with their spouse.

Jesus, 15:25, I love the kind of sex you're talking about - a little resistance from me, lots of enthusiasm from him, being aggressively taken - but DH didn't know that... so we talked about it. I shared some fantasies with him, he shared some with me, we experimented and we found what works for us. Being "embarrassed" about sex or your sexual preferences is a surefire way to have a TERRIBLE sex life, and not communicating what turns you on (a little, a lot, not at all) is going to doom your sex life inevitably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:25 makes a really good point. I wish I was more attracted to my husband (really I do) but I'm not and I just don't know why. He wants me to be more into sex and I just can't fake it.

15:25 gets a "really good point" and an image of someone banging their head on the computer. I guess mileage varies.

Yeah, based on whether or not you're an adult who can actually communicate with their spouse.

Jesus, 15:25, I love the kind of sex you're talking about - a little resistance from me, lots of enthusiasm from him, being aggressively taken - but DH didn't know that... so we talked about it. I shared some fantasies with him, he shared some with me, we experimented and we found what works for us. Being "embarrassed" about sex or your sexual preferences is a surefire way to have a TERRIBLE sex life, and not communicating what turns you on (a little, a lot, not at all) is going to doom your sex life inevitably.

Your post assumes that people always know exactly what they want. They often don't.

[Anonymous]

Why do women play so many games? A man doing the dishes does not mke me horny, but it might make me willing to undergo "reward" sex, which does not imply passion (back to throwing DH a bone). Why did these women marry? A one-night stand can give you a kid and the want ads can give you a roommate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do women play so many games? A man doing the dishes does not mke me horny, but it might make me willing to undergo "reward" sex, which does not imply passion (back to throwing DH a bone). Why did these women marry? A one-night stand can give you a kid and the want ads can give you a roommate.

Are you really that stupid, or just deliberately obtuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women play so many games? A man doing the dishes does not mke me horny, but it might make me willing to undergo "reward" sex, which does not imply passion (back to throwing DH a bone). Why did these women marry? A one-night stand can give you a kid and the want ads can give you a roommate.

Are you really that stupid, or just deliberately obtuse?

Seriously. You need financial support for the kid. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do women play so many games? A man doing the dishes does not mke me horny, but it might make me willing to undergo "reward" sex, which does not imply passion (back to throwing DH a bone). Why did these women marry? A one-night stand can give you a kid and the want ads can give you a roommate.

Are you really that stupid, or just deliberately obtuse?

Seriously. You need financial support for the kid. Duh.

Oh, I get it. Just stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You do realize this works both ways, right? DW isn't having her needs met outside the bedroom so her level of desire and attraction is low. She complains and DH says he would be better if he got more sex. She complies but still doesn't get what she wants and the downward spiral begins.

This is bullshit.

It's possible that some guy somewhere some time has promised his wife he'd clean the garage if she gave him a BJ, and then she gave him a BJ, and then he didn't clean the garage. Maybe that has happened some time, although probably not more than once in any given relationship.

On the other hand, it is clear from this thread and others that lots of women have told their husbands they're not in the mood for sex because a lengthy set of conditions haven't been met. Those poor saps then meet the conditions, only to find that the fine print still reads, "I'm tired."

Stop acting like the high-desire man and the low-desire woman are playing the same game.

[Anonymous]

What ethical choices are there for a high drive spouse whose partner can't or on't meet his/her sexual needs? If you believe that sexual fidelity means sexual exclusivity, it is incumbent on you as a loving partner to meet your spouses need. If you don't believe this, then an open marriage is in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You do realize this works both ways, right? DW isn't having her needs met outside the bedroom so her level of desire and attraction is low. She complains and DH says he would be better if he got more sex. She complies but still doesn't get what she wants and the downward spiral begins.

This is bullshit.

It's possible that some guy somewhere some time has promised his wife he'd clean the garage if she gave him a BJ, and then she gave him a BJ, and then he didn't clean the garage. Maybe that has happened some time, although probably not more than once in any given relationship.

On the other hand, it is clear from this thread and others that lots of women have told their husbands they're not in the mood for sex because a lengthy set of conditions haven't been met. Those poor saps then meet the conditions, only to find that the fine print still reads, "I'm tired."

Stop acting like the high-desire man and the low-desire woman are playing the same game.

Wow. This post is so full of sexist stereotypes I don't even know where to begin. I get that you're pissed off about your personal situation but here's a clue--not every marriage in the world is just like yours. And as much as you'd like to make the issue black and white, it's not always about poor, long-suffering men and bitchy, withholding women.