BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the “4 weeks to go to Australia is crazy” mentality. If you already have a passport and money isn’t an issue, what’s hard about that?

I suppose if you have the kind of job where you can tale a week+ off on short notice, with little ability to work while you're out, that's the case. Many of us don't.

And "it's very difficult logistically" is only half the issue. After a multi-year engagement, scheduling a wedding on the other side of the world (literally) for 4 weeks later, and then getting pissy when people can't (or decide not to) come is a special kind of narcissism. One that, quite frankly, shouldn't be encouraged, or accommodated.

+1

Most people cannot just take a week off with short notice. Also, even if you could, you might not have that time, as it's likely allocated for your vacations for the next year because most people plan those well in advance and I'm not cancelling a family vacation for a last minute wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Exactly, I would not dream that other people would drop everything to come to my wedding. It is not that important - personally I don't give a shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

Why not?

Cost
Time off work (being able to schedule and even having the vacation time--people plan their vacation time in advance )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

And which people expect multiple bday celebrations costing $$.

She didn't expect her BIL to come, did she? How she spent her time and $$ is none of other people's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

NP here. Grown adult women should not be planning weeklong celebrations around their birthday. Sure, it's lovely that your kids want to come have a nice dinner. The "lavish" party should never have been planned in the first place. Who in their right mind forces people to celebrate their birthdays with them? I find it so offputting.

Her one kid who lives overseas couldn't make the original party so they pLANNED a family gathering (months in advance) and everyone arranged time off, paid for flights, etc. it will cost a lot to change (sounds like one kid likely couldn't easily). Normal people plan events in advance. The OP did, and does not need to change for a 50 yo who decides to plan a wedding on a whim that's 24 hr+ flight away. Op can just Ravi no and is good. It's the brother who has issues. If you want everyone to attend you give notice--for a destination like that you give 9-12 months notice. Or you plan that many won't be able to attend and be happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

This is all.

Don't give it another thought.

I wouldn't book a trip on such short notice even if I didn't have your plans in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

NP here. Grown adult women should not be planning weeklong celebrations around their birthday. Sure, it's lovely that your kids want to come have a nice dinner. The "lavish" party should never have been planned in the first place. Who in their right mind forces people to celebrate their birthdays with them? I find it so offputting.

See, when your kids don’t like you this is what happens.

What happens when you're the person who obviously demands people celebrate her birthday with her, but never learned how to read? I said, kids coming to celebrate--great! The lavish party with "friends?" Annoying and self-centered. Nobody in the history of the world over the age of about 25--30 if you're really immature--is dying to go to "lavish" parties for friends' birthdays.

For key birthdays, most adults I know have a party. It's planned months in advance and everyone is excited to attend. The op kids are coming a week later, via flights so lots of planning. I would not skip getting all of my kids together for a celebration (that involved travel and major planning) because someone else cannot plan well

[Anonymous]

"And "it's very difficult logistically" is only half the issue. After a multi-year engagement, scheduling a wedding on the other side of the world (literally) for 4 weeks later, and then getting pissy when people can't (or decide not to) come is a special kind of narcissism. One that, quite frankly, shouldn't be encouraged, or accommodated."

This, 100%.

The birthday celebration is irrelevant and distracting to the decision to be made.

OP doesn't need to justify why she can't go. "Sorry, we'll be unable to attend, we wish you the best!" is all that needs to be said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Bridezillas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

And which people expect multiple bday celebrations costing $$.

She’s not demanding that BIL and the entire extended family drop their plans and fly across the world to attend her birthday, dimwit. Thanks for proving my point.

Did I say she was? She is throwing herself a “lavish” party and the special dinner.

Nice name-calling, btw.

DH should go if he wants to. OP should not go if she doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t seem keen, but to listen to some of you one would think OP had him locked in cage to prevent him from going. And OP can throw herself whatever kind of party she wants. What’s wrong with that? Her nuclear family seems happy to attend and how is that any of other people’s business? Name calling is certainly justified here.

Really? When is name-calling justified?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Or their birthdays(which happen annually, vs. Even the twice, in a lifetime)

The op planned these events with tons of notice and arrangements were made for family (her nuclear family) to be together. I'm not skipping a vacation with my nuclear family (once kids are grown) to attend a 50 yo wedding that was planned with a months notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the BIL was that concerned about having family present at the wedding then he could have arranged a date that would suitably accommodate everyone. It’s not like he’s shipping out to war the day after. In the words of Elaine Benes this is an unvitation.

Absolutely this. There is no extenuating circumstance like deployment or a family medical diagnosis or something compelling this wedding to suddenly happen. People who value others being able to attend provide notice, especially for travel. If the BIL wants to randomly do this, he is entitled to do so but no one else needs to bend their life around it.

BIL picked the date suddenly to coordinate with the other brother’s previously-planned trip.

People complaining about the big birthday party for OP sound jealous. Some people celebrate milestones in this way, and she also said her husband was the driver behind it. I agree with the PP who said we need more reasons to celebrate!

If it wasn’t her birthday and instead she had already planned a weekend for all her kids to get together, and the kids bought plane tickets and arranged things, would people be answering differently?

BIL sounds like he has main character syndrome. Adults plan in advance. Adults who expect people to travel around the world for a wedding plan in advance.

+1000

[Anonymous]

The second marriage might not last anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can easily tell from this thread which posters believed that the sun, moon and stars rotated around their weddings.

Right? A 2nd wedding for a 50+ sibling. I’ll choose my nuclear family 100% of the time over traveling halfway around the world at the drop of a hat.

And which people expect multiple bday celebrations costing $$.

She’s not demanding that BIL and the entire extended family drop their plans and fly across the world to attend her birthday, dimwit. Thanks for proving my point.

Did I say she was? She is throwing herself a “lavish” party and the special dinner.

Nice name-calling, btw.

DH should go if he wants to. OP should not go if she doesn’t want to.

DH doesn’t seem keen, but to listen to some of you one would think OP had him locked in cage to prevent him from going. And OP can throw herself whatever kind of party she wants. What’s wrong with that? Her nuclear family seems happy to attend and how is that any of other people’s business? Name calling is certainly justified here.

Really? When is name-calling justified?

When someone is as deliberately obtuse as you.

[Anonymous]

Someone above posted about having a family viewing party. That sounds really lovely, especially since FIL can’t attend. That’s where I’d put my energy.